+bonus:

“Oh, angel…” Crowley sighed and rubbed his aching head. “I’ll help you use the internet to find real recipes another time, okay? For now, let me tempt you to lunch.” It wasn’t a question.

“It would seem a table has just opened up. The couple who reserved it got caught in heavy traffic. Which, you’re welcome.” In reference to the M25.

“Who’s telling you all this nonsense anyway?”

“The internet, yes! That’s what I said, wasn’t it? I’m fairly certain there’s one of those computational devices here. I used it once upon a time to file taxes for the bookshop. I think it broke, somehow,” it got unplugged and he never noticed, “so I’m not really sure if that’d work. I’m sure it has the internet on it though. That is where you find the internet; on a computational device, right?”

His eyes lit up. “Oh, really? That’s terribly convenient. It would be rather rude of us to not take that opening.” If what Crowley was saying wasn’t offered as a question, the angel clearly took it as one either way. Subtext wasn’t his strongest attribute. “Let me go get my coat, I’d hung it up in the back room – Oh! And we should bring some biscuits, in case we get peckish along the way. How chilly do you think it might get? It is rather late. Should I bring a scarf? Will you need a scarf? I wouldn’t want you getting cold, my dear.”

“You should bring a scarf and keep warm, angel. I’ll be fine without one.” The demon followed him to his back room. “Y’know, the next time someone tells you something like that, maybe run it by me first. I can’t have you getting discorporated because someone convinced you to eat something dangerous.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now. Angel, I’ll take you out to the Ritz every day for the remainer of that restaurant’s existence if you just…don’t eat table legs. It might not be able to hurt you since you’re an angel, but honestly why bother, when you can eat good food instead?” Crowley was so concerned for Aziraphale.

“Besides, table legs are definitely not edible. Someone is trying to have a bit of fun with you.”

“It would seem a table has just opened up. The couple who reserved it got caught in heavy traffic. Which, you’re welcome.” In reference to the M25.

“Who’s telling you all this nonsense anyway?”

A furrow in his brows, and a pout on his lips. “Well, I wasn’t going to.” Oh, but now he’s curious. You know what they say about curiosity. “I am an angel; It’s not like it would do anything too terribly awful. You know, I’m sure there’s a recipe somewhere. It might depend on the type of wood! Humans have been known to eat the bark off of trees, after all. Quite a great many of things in nature are edible.” 

“Besides, table legs are definitely not edible. Someone is trying to have a bit of fun with you.”

“Oh! Oh sorrrry, Mr. King-of-anti-giraffe-nobility! If you wanna, y’know, be eaten by a super tall deer or or or have your kingdom overtaken by the smartest, deadliest of all creatures I’ve ever encountered, then by all means go ahead and don’t get on the giraffes good side. But while you’re down here thinking ‘Oh! Oh look at me! I’m a-a-a trusting individual who thinks that giraffes can be satisfied by only leaves! There’s no way giraffes will organize and realize that they can swallow a whole tree with their long necks and then, y’know, swallow all the oxygen and then swallow the ocean!’ And then where will the sharks live, Lucifer? Have you even considered where the sharks will live? Are you gonna invite them to stay here, because that’s a lot of sharks and I know you were considering remodeling but where would you even get enough salt water for them? You gonna cut open a giraffe to drain the ocean out of its stomach? They’d never let you get close enough!! Not after you refused to make them princes. So…just consider your actions. That’s all I’m saying here.”

“I’m not weaponizing, befriending or making a giraffe a Prince of Hell because you’re worried about them attacking us.” Lucifer mumbles, rolling his eyes. 

“I doubt their brains are that big for them to even think about getting together and eat the fucking trees, Crowley. Have you seen them fight? They look dumb as fuck, swinging their necks and smacking each other with their heads and the horns on their heads. C’mon now you can’t be very smart if you go to fight and risk breaking your long ass neck. And another thing, trust worthy i am not.” 

Lucifer sits on his throne, perched in the middle of the seat. “How are they going to swallow the ocean if they’re dead from lack of oxygen? Think about it Noodle. Besides the sharks would eat the giraffe’s.” He leans over the side of his throne. “If i consider my actions, we wouldn’t have been casted out of Heaven in the first place.”

“Lucifer? Do you ever think that uh maybe you could be one of those things where they say things to people? One of those er...they stand in front and the people take notes? Teacher! That’s the word! You’re pretty smart about giraffe necks and I think that you should tell everyone else and they can learn. Because I think you just sort of saved the world right now with your knowledge.”

at least demons dance, but not what you’d call good dancing though