knives out, beaks bloody

i am a complex organism brutally engineered by uncaring forces of nature

i am a product of billions of years and trillions of deaths

i am building a machine greater than myself

Shane meets Ilya in the hotel room they’d booked- because they are in Boston- and he’s all what the fuck? Are you ok? When he walks in and Ilya bares his teeth at him at the best smile he can show and just says “kept all my teeth” and wiggles his brows at Shane and Shane is all - look we don’t have to (and he doesn’t really mean it- he’s been thinking about it for weeks, the match circled in his mind in bright red marker- purely from the release it is, to have Ilya fuck him- that’s why he’s been counting down to it. And this this really will be one of the last times he tells himself too- a lie he will buy into until the next time and he still needs it this badly) and Ilya shrugs and says “if it puts you off- fine, but” and waves his hand, shrugs like he doesn’t care if Shane does (and he doesn’t really mean it either- he cares, he wants Shane here he wants the closeness he wants to fuck him. He has been thinking about being inside Shane since the last time and it’s just because he’s a good fuck and he just need it a few more times and then we can stop this for once and for all)

And so Shane shakes his head and tells Ilya his loss puts him off more and Ilya scoffs, a little surprised sound like at Shane’s chirp and he rolls his eyes and says “Hollander be a good little nurse look after me, make me feel better” as he strips himself down, and Shane hates that that works, that somehow Ilya makes it sound sexy- and so Shane does the same, climbs into Ilya’s lap in his boxers and then their hands are on each other and it’s familiar and hot and good and Shane on instinct goes to lean into Ilya’s face and he sees the sutures and dried blood and remembers. He tucks his face into Ilya’s neck and kisses there instead, grinding their bodies together and Ilya opens him up like that, sat in Ilya’s lap, Shane’s arms wrapped around Ilya’s shoulders, his mouth panting into Ilya’s collarbone as his fingers push into Shane and open open open him.

Theres this ache opening in Shane’s chest that he can’t place, a weird empty mess and he presses his forehead to Ilya’s cheek as Ilya pulls the condom on himself, closes his eyes and presses his nose into Ilya’s skin and chews at his own mouth as Ilya pushes in. He sucks on his bottom lip and ignores the thrum in his stomach as he realises Ilya always kisses him when he first pushes into him- no matter the position, the rush of time- how long or short he’s had Shane on his fingers he’ll lean into his space, turn his head, pull his mouth to Ilya’s and lick into Shane’s mouth as his cock presses in in in. Shane only really realises it in the absence of it now.

Shane is pulling at his own lip with his teeth when Ilya is al the way inside, and then Ilya’s fingers are pulling his bottom lip free, two fingers pressing into his mouth onto his tongue, down and Shane takes them hungrily and Ilya moves his fingers gently in Shane’s mouth as Shane sucks and drags his tongue around them. And Ilya is all soft under his voice like “there you go” and Shane’s face is hot and without his face pressed to Ilya’s he can see each of Ilya’s expressions, the frowny concentrated way he stares at where his body is pressed to Shane’s, where his cock drives into him. And it makes Shane feel dizzy, their eye contact becomes too much, Ilya’s eyes on his face become too much and Shane presses his face back into Ilya’s neck, lets Ilya’s fingers slip out of his mouth and feels him grasp his hips with both hands. Shane is rubbing and nuzzling his mouth against Ilya’s neck and throat and collarbones and it’s making goosebumps break out across the skin and Ilya’s arms are trembling a little, where he grips Shane and his face it turned into Shane’s hair and he’s whispering low and in Russian and Shane wants to kiss him so badly- feel this weird heavy disconnect of not breathing into Ilya’s mouth, sucking on his tongue as he rushes closer to orgasm. He feels lonely and it feels like Vegas and Shane pushes that out of his head because it’s not the same- they can’t kiss, he can’t kiss Ilya.

Shane whines unhappily into Ilya’s throat, he’s so close but he wants Ilya’s mouth, wants to taste him and this sucks and it’s stupid and he’s so hard, and he is worried about Ilya’s stitches getting fucked up and Ilya’s hands are bringing Shane’s head up, pressing their foreheads together and noses pressed and the lightest barely there touch of the corner of Ilya’s mouth, unmarred by sutures, to the center of Shane’s mouth, sharing warm air. Not even a kiss. And then Ilya’s muttering “come on, make me feel good Hollander, fuck me all better, feels so good” and Shane is whimpering against Ilya’s lips, smudging his own against that little corner of ilyas mouth he can take- up over his cheek when the force of Ilya’s thrusts make him sway and bend forward.

And Ilyas hand is on his cheek, holding his face, thumb rubbing over Shane’s mouth, lips, pushing and pulling against the soft skin of them and Shane comes like that, a rock in his throat because he feels weird- it feels weird, this gap between them of not being able to kiss. And Ilya comes a few thrusts after Shane, shivery and grunting with his forehead pressed to Shane’s shoulder. And Ilya’s stitches are throbbing throbbing throbbing in his face and it’s giving him a horrible headache and his whole face still hurts from the impact and he’s exhausted and his head is kinda a little fuzzy from the painkillers and he can’t even really properly feel some of his face because of the numbing agent they’d pushed into his skin before they sowed it back together. His stomach hurts a little, churning and he wants to pin Hollander to the bed and kiss him till he’s all soft and lax and warm- he can feel him thinking and spinning in his head still even after an orgasm.

He wants to give Shane the hot overwhelming pleasure that makes him all pliant and lovely and blissed under Ilya and he wants to tell watch hollander chase his mouth as he pulls back and he wants to be in control. He feels stunted and unable instead. Then Shane is pulling off Ilya and kissing his way down Ilya’s body, kisses and kisses until he’s at his dick, pulling off the condom and kissing and licking there too, cleaning Ilya with his mouth, holding Ilya’s softening dick on his tongue and his eyes are settling, he can see the tension in Hollanders spine relaxing a little and Ilya’s uses his fingers to touch and play with Shane’s mouth as he does it, light in his chest when Shane pushes his fingers away a few times. They aren’t talking about what Shane needs about what he’s seeking out because it wasn’t enough- It’s too much and not enough and Ilya is thinking of Vegas, when he didn’t realise till the next day that he hadn’t kissed Hollander the whole time somehow- and how’d he’d made sure that never happened again. He’s heavy fingered and frustrated and unsure.

stay

no but you can FORCE it away. use ublock origin and copy paste the blacklist i made into the filters to be able to remove the bullshit AI overview that google forces. it also removes youtube's forced ads (at least until they fix it)

you can also use the ublacklist extension and use this blacklist of AI image generation websites to curate your google image results

Sex is not essential. You can live without it. Full stop.

Not having sex isn't shameful or a sign of failure. It also doesn't make anyone boring.

You are not entitled to having sex with anybody and nobody is entitled to having sex with you.

Sex is not what makes someone an adult.

Nobody's worth is defined by how much sex they have or don't have.

Sex is not equally important to everyone.

You can have fulfilling and happy relationships without sex.

You should only have sex on your own terms, not because you feel like you owe it to someone, or because you feel like you'd be incomplete without it.

Know your boundaries around sex and be firm about them. Know how to respect other people's boundaries.

The previous point also applies when it comes to discussing sex. If someone doesn't wanna talk about it or hear about it you have to back down.

fanfic that I like