Okay, I’m going to answer this one in the hopes that it will mean that at least one racialized person will have at least one fewer exhausting interaction in their life about this kind of thing.
Generally speaking, if someone you have a casual relationship calls you out for being racist, it will be in direct response to you doing or saying something that was, in fact, racist. Individual people will phrase it differently, but you will also likely recognize a tone shift or drop in comfort/openness in the conversation from before vs. after.
Pause and rewind to what you just said or did to cause that response. Chances are, it will be relatively clear. You can apologize gracefully (a simple “my bad, won’t do that again” will suffice) and move on.
I will also say that even if it doesn’t feel/seem racist to you, that’s not your call to make. One class with systemic power over another does not get to determine what is or isn’t hurtful in to that oppressed class, within that context. For example, I am able-bodied and if a disabled person tells me something I said or did was ableist, even if I don’t exactly get why, my understanding in that moment isn’t the point.
If you want to know more, look it up. There are about a bajillion resources out there from academic historical and sociological analyses to microaggressions 101 via Instagram graphics. I promise they are not hard to find.
If the callout is coming from someone you’re closer to and you genuinely want to learn about their perspective, approach it that way. A few ways to show your openness is to 1) admit you don’t know what you don’t know, 2) share that you want to learn so as to not hurt them or others going forward, 3) limit interruptions on your end during their explanation, 4) ask thoughtful follow up questions if invited to do so, and 5) express appreciation that they’ve taken the time to share.
Trust is built over time. The first sign that someone trusts you enough to continue a relationship with you is often by letting you know that you hurt them. They are trusting you to take on what they said with humility and to do better. Your ability to take on constructive criticism about hard topics, your willingness to do the work of independent learning, and your ability to not take yourself too seriously along the way are also huge steps to earning that respect from others.
I know this kind of thing can feel weird and embarrassing because we genuinely can’t know everything and that is inherently an emotionally vulnerable position to be in. But just like with any other social or cultural barriers, I believe we are better people — and better to one another — when we try anyway.
blakekathryn
prguitarman
jacobvanloon
annaxmalina
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
