Indelibleflames

SMALL STEPS, BIG PLACES. 

Have you ever had something you least expect to get but you got it and you don’t know what to do next? You feel like you don’t deserve it and instead of being thankful,you end up pressuring yourself because you feel like you need to do more —that is what I exactly felt when I received this award last year. 

Growing up as an achiever isn’t as fun as what it seems on the outside. Yes, you’ll make your parents proud and the people around you will be amazed on how you were able to achieve those awards but, a lot aren’t just clapping their hands...they are also waiting for your downfall. When I was younger, I didn’t really care. My parents never pressured me on my studies so I’m just doing what I should do as a responsible student —medals and certificate are just bonus. Everything’s okay until the people around me noticed that every end of the school year, I’m bringing home a medal. They were happy but when they learned that I am no longer the top 1, they began talking at my back telling the neighborhood that maybe I was rebelling and I am in a wrong group of friends. The words I hear —even not directly said to me —scarred my being. That was seven years ago and I can still hear them. Up until now I am still wondering, what is wrong in being the top 5? My parents never get mad so why they are making me feel that I did something embarrassing  where in fact, I still get an award? 

That was the start where I no longer want to share my achievements because the same people who clap their hand and shout for you when you are on top can be the same people who boo you and talk behind your back when you fall. 

The funny thing that people around me didn’t realize is that as we grow older, the world becomes bigger. There will always be that someone who is smarter, prettier, and braver than you. I’ve realized that when I was in senior high but really understand that when I was in college. 

Being in a school where almost everyone of you is an achiever isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I thought I can fit with them but it feels like I’m a David in a room full of Goliath. I’ve never felt so insecure about my intelligence until I become an accounting student in PUP. From there on, I told myself that I will never expect to get an award. I also warned my parents that the award I got from Senior High might be the last award I’ll give to them. But faith has it’s own plans, expecting nothing, I actually get something. 

I was in awe when I received a message that I’ll be receiving an excellence award for my academic performance in our first year. I am more than thankful to this but I didn’t post anything up until now. 

Instead of congratulating myself, I resort on pressuring myself —I keep on telling my mind that I should do better next year and this words I keep on shouting on my head didn’t help me. It was more of pressure than an encouragement. Did pressuring myself do something good to me? No. Instead of being better, I got weaker. The pressure in my head just gave me an anxiety that caused my performance to gradually fall. 

I didn’t commend myself with what I got. I go on thinking that I shouldn’t share it because there’s a chance that I’ll end up disappointing the people around me. I choose to take the award as a challenge that I need to win and not a ticket for another journey to enjoy. I focused on the bigger things that I forgot my principle when I was younger... small steps, no matter how small they are, can still take you to bigger and beautiful places. 

Today, I am congratulating my 19-year-old self for being one of the top 10 accounting student of the freshmen batch —something I didn’t do because I focused more on pressuring myself. 

Today, I am acknowledging all the hard work I gave last semester even though I wasn’t able to reach the ceiling grade to become a lister. I am giving myself a big clap for facing my anxieties and pushing forward. 

Today, I am applauding myself because I realized all the wrong turns I commit and all the unsound decisions I make that lead me to insecurities and uncertainties. 

Lastly, today, I am giving myself an honor because finally, I will take another small step into a new beginning...

I am not sure where it will lead me but along the journey, I will always remind myself to never forget to acknowledge all the efforts I am giving just to continue. I will keep in mind that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself because at the end of the day, it is me who should be the first person who’ll believe that I can and I hope to you —who is reading this —may find in your heart that small soft spot for yourself and may you always remember to congratulate the small steps you keep on taking. 

Goodnight :) 

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Take a sad song and make it better

Remember to let her into your heart

Behind her colorful laughter—

There is no permanent thing in this world - a fact that I can say is inevitable.

I always imagine things to never stay the same except for one thing - love. Funny how I believe in true love, how I believe that the happiness I felt before is the same happiness I’ll feel now but no —things will never go back to the way it used to be. Not today, not tomorrow, not the other day.

What happened yesterday will remain as a memory, as a thing that I can only remember but will never experience again. Changes eaten us, without inhibitions— it swallowed us and we became in the system of forgetting, of never looking back, of finding new and leaving the old behind.

Life is like riding a rollercoaster, you’ll feel different emotions with different intensity every time you try it. You’ll never feel the same feeling — it’s either it get less or more.

I hoped for more but I always got the less. Maybe that’s one thing that will never change — I’ll always be the less important, less valuable, less in every aspect.