Mermaid

I have a day off today. I’m beginning to really like having Thursday off, it gives me so much time to do things that I otherwise can’t during the weekend. There’s something about the weekend that make you feel like you have the fear of missing out when you're indoors. But when it’s a weekday I gladly relish home cooked meals and chilling in comfortable jeans, walking in the sunshine for a bit to get coffee then come back, listen to some new music. I love days like that. I’m behind with work related matters so music isn’t tasting as sweet cause I’ve got things I need to do, but still. 

I woke up in the middle of the night today, my brain was alert. I think I had too much coffee and chai earlier that’s why. It gives me interrupted sleep when I overdo it. 

Had to get up for work to teach the 8 am circuit class. I’m feeling good today, and excited. I feel like something exciting is going to happen tonight and i’m priming myself for it. I’m glad I was vulnerable with my friend yesterday when we had dinner together and also with this guy I like today when I was being candid about how content I am with where I am in my life at the moment. A few years ago sharing my joy would have scared me, as though as soon as it’s said it’s gone. But now I have a different mindset, and I think it’s years of growing up and being told about “El Hasad” (the evil eye) and to always keep your happiness or accomplishments super low key that has made me scared to say i’m happy for fear of being disappointed when the happiness fades away again. I was living in cycles of highs and lows.

It’s good to not boast, but it’s also good when you’re having intimate conversations with friends or family to share the good as much as we share the bad. It’s uplifting to tell someone you can see good things are happening and even better things ahead. We don't seem to have many of those conversations, it’s usually small “chin up” pep talks perhaps, but not sharing the actual uplifting joy of being alive and free. I could see in my friend’s eyes - they lit up. We both shed a tear and hugged, cause we remembered that’s why we’re friends. Our paths crossed for a reason.

Today I’m content to have mother who cares about me, a sister whose passionate about her future, a friend whose by my side, a career that helps others improve their trust in their own body and it’s dynamic capabilities. I have a roof over my head, and clothes and food. 

I’m content that i’m an adult now. It’s a strange realization that has been brewing over the last few days. I’m no longer angry at all the things I have to do like cook dinner and prep lunch for work, take the garbage out, clean the house, buy groceries, do paperwork when I apply for jobs. All these things used to give me agony the past two and a half years i’ve been living here. I used to internally resist it all and want a vacation or to crawl into a cave and never come out. I used to write about dreaming I lived in a far away cabin with just tea and books, but I don’t know what exactly has happened over the last few weeks i’ve started to take responsibility over my life. I started to cook and clean without whinging. I now enjoy buying groceries and thinking of new recipes. I will gladly take the garbage out if it means a clean house. I just feel like now I want to live a good life where the simple pleasures like cooking dinner is not taken for granted or considered a burden. It’s a beautiful thing to make something for yourself rather than get chips on your way back and binge watch tv shows. There will be days for that, but providing for myself has just never tasted this sweet. 

Today is one of those days where the weather is strangely reminiscent of seasons in passing. It’s winter but it feels like I came across an autumn or a spring day I once experienced a few years ago. There’s warmness to the breeze and peace in the faint haze of the clouds - diluting the sun’s sharpness and saying it’s okay to not be this hard and strong all the time. It’s okay to not be the giver of warmth to all. It’s okay to take a step back allow for a shift to happen, and in doing so you give us space to recreate and reset dear sun. Even in your diluted presence you manage to give so much back. How can I ever repay nature for such abundance. All around me. Passing through me. Evolving in me.