Oz: Why are you like this?
Jack: I used too much No More Tears shampoo in 1973 and haven't felt a single emotion since.
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@incorrectpandoraheartsquotes
Oz: Why are you like this?
Jack: I used too much No More Tears shampoo in 1973 and haven't felt a single emotion since.

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Gilbert: You have an unhealthy obsession with food.
Alice: Oh you mean the stuff that keeps us alive? Yes. Yes, I do.
Alice: Hello, my name is Alice and I am a food eater.
Oz *on the phone*: Hey Dad, I know it's been a couple of years but-
Pizza Guy: Hey, this is Jeff's Pizza.
Oz: He gave me the wrong number...
Pizza Guy: I'm sorry dude.
Oz: ...Lemme get a large pizza.
Alice: I refuse to go back to school after what my principal just said to me.
Oz: What did he say?
Alice: "You're expelled". Like, how dare he?
Oz: You said that if you were ever going to do same sex experimentation, it was going to be with me.
Elliot: I have never said that to you.
Oz: It's been implied.
Elliot: By you.

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Everyone knows my role here is to look hot.
Lottie Baskerville
Jack: Guess who!?
Oswald: It's either Jack or the cold, clammy hands of death.
Jack: It's Jack!
Oswald: Damn it.
Gilbert: What you’re doing is wrong.
Alice: I’m not taking advice from you. You pronounce the ‘g’ in ‘lasagna.’
Oz: You saved us, Elliot. I owe you my life.
Elliot: No thanks. I've seen it and I'm not impressed.
Xerxes: Oh please, you wouldn't hurt a fly!
Sharon: You're right! Because a fly is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anybody. You, however, I would maim.

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Vincent: I know, I'm a real asset.
Lottie: You're only off by two letters.
Elliot, even for you, this is a whole new mountain of stupid.
Leo, probably
Zai: Look, Ada, in the end only you can decide what's right for you, and whatever decision it is, I'll stand by it.
Ada: Thanks, Dad.
Zai: Just remember, make the wrong decision, we'll never speak to you again and you'll burn in hell forever.
Elliot: What's wrong with you?
Oz: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.
Xerxes: I consider myself a good judge of people and that’s why I don’t like none of ‘em.

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Oz: Guys, we need a plan.
Elliot: Punch everyone.
Oz: One that goes further than punching everyone.
Gilbert: Is Oz around?
Alice: Yeah, he's upstairs.
Gilbert: Could you tell him I'm here?
Alice: Yeah, no problem. Be right back. *shouting upstairs* OZ! SEAWEED HAIR'S HERE!
Gilbert: Well, I could've done that.
Alice: Then what did you ask me for?