merlin certified

Eggsy: Things aren’t working out. [pause] I don’t want to talk about it.

Merlin: I regret the words we’ve already spoken… Listen, I know I probably shouldn’t get involved, but Harry is my close friend, and I hope you’ll let him down gently.

Eggsy: Don’t worry. I don’t want things to be awkward. I’m gonna send him a text while he’s sleeping that says, “We’re done.”

Merlin: Clear. Accurate. But do you feel like it’s enough?

Eggsy: “We’re done… Good-bye?”

Merling: Yes. That should do it, *but* you might need to do more than simply text.

Eggsy: A long, drawn-out breakup is just gonna end in a big scene and Harry crying. He has so many emotions.

Merlin: Yes, it is daunting. Apparently, it’s less painful if you acknowledge the dumpee’s feelings.

Eggsy: …Ew.

Merlin: Don’t worry. We’ll practice. I’ll be Harry. Go.

Eggsy: [clears throat] Good afternoon, Harry. I think we should break up.

Merlin: [as Harry] “That makes me feel sad. I am sad.”

Eggsy: Your sadness is noted.

Roxy: The cheese is amazing! It melts in my mouth and in my hands!

Percival: [begins looking over the basket] Hmm, French chocolates, French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did neither of you intelligence agents consider this might be a gift for Merlin from someone in France? Like his husband, par exemple?

Eggsy: What? [laughs] No way. This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative V-Day abductee we rescued… right?

Percival: Hmm, what’s this, then? “Dear Agent Gahalad, thinking of you. My best, Merlin." He even used their pet names for each other!

Roxy: Oh, no, I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry! That’s the most intimate snack of them all!

Eggsy: Merlin will be here to brief us in a half hour!

Roxy: What do we do?!

Eggsy: Let’s eat the note!

Percival: No! No. It’s okay. Calm down. We can fix this.

[thirty minutes later]

Roxy: Good day, sir!

Merlin: At ease, agents… What’s this?

Roxy: A lovely gift basket that Harry sent you all the way from his mission in Paris.

Eggsy: Yep! Straight from Paris!

Eggsy: Oh, come on Where is the trust? What could be so secret she wired it up with twelve pounds of C-4? Ugh, I don't think I even wanna know what...

[Sends photo of bomb to Merlin] Here, take a look at this. Okay, which one of these wires-

Merlin: Blue and yellow.

Eggsy: Ya wanna look at it for more than half a second?

Merlin: I wired the damn thing, ass!

Eggsy: Well I didn't know that, ass! [Takes picture of documents, slams desk drawer shut. Something starts buzzing.] Wait - What is that?

Merlin: Ohhhh no....

Eggsy: Oh, no no no no no. Merlin what do I do?!

Merlin: Well if you don't shut if off, she'll know somebody was in here! So you could wait for the batteries to die, but sounds like there's about four big ol' D-cells in it.

Eggsy: Aww, maaan [opens drawer.] Yeah, it's it's pretty big.

Merlin: Is it black?

Eggsy: Wh-? No, it's -

Merlin: Slightly darker black?

Eggsy: No! It's not any kind of black! Shut up!

Merlin: Still pretty hot.

Eggsy: Will you shut up?

Merlin: Take a picture.

Eggsy: Shut up! Okay, I'm going in. Aww man, can't believe I'm doing this

Merlin: Try to think about something else. Like how there's no sink in there.

Harry: You’re only saying that because you love me - and love has made you dumb.

Eggsy: No. I disagree. If anything, love has made me smarter. Remember last week? When I boiled that egg?

Merlin: THREE MONTHS!!! Eggsy’s been missing for three months and you lot have found NOTHING!

Percival: Merlin! We’ve checked every safe house, we’ve run down every lead. He cannot be found - if he even WANTS to be found! That’s if he’s even still, um -

Merlin: Still what?

Roxy: Um, alive?

Merlin: What? What the hell is wrong with you?!

Roxy: Brilliant! How’d it go?

Harry: We chased him through a subway tunnel, back up through the storm drain, Eggsy and I got engaged, and then we busted him with the launch codes in his sock.

Merlin: Wait, wait, wait. What’d you just say?

Eggsy: They were in his sock! These dummies; they never think we’re gonna check their socks!

Roxy: No, before that, weirdo. The getting engaged part?

Eggsy: Oh, yeah. We got engaged.

Merlin: “Engaged” engaged?

Harry: Of course.

Roxy: As in, to be wed?

Eggsy: Yeah.

Merlin: Seriously?!

Together: Yeah.

Roxy: Amazing! We need more intel. Tell us everything!

Eggsy: Well, I don’t want to gloat or anything, but it was super romantic. [cut to exciting chase scene] Agent Galahad! You follow. I’ll cut him off in the alley.

Harry: Confirmed! Wait. [Eggsy stops] You want to get married?

Merlin: Eggsy says he doesn’t know what happened, but he wants you back.

Harry: You can tell him that ship has sailed.

Merlin: He also told me to say…(sigh) he wants you on top of him… holding his hair and riding him like a bucking bronco while he… sucks your thumb and says, “Daddy likey."

(Merlin returns to Eggsy)

Merlin: He said he’ll always love you and he’s so happy that you’re reconciling. He also says… that he wants you to stare into each other’s eyes without blinking while you do it…

Eggsy: I love when we do that, Merlin.

Merlin: …and then afterward… I don’t want to do this. You say things that are too personal.

Eggsy: OK, but just one more thing…

Merlin: [Returning to Harry] He says he loves you, and wants to hold your hand, and have afternoon tea with you.

Harry: Come on, Merlin, that’s not all he said.

Merlin: No. He says other things. But I don’t want…

Harry: Please, please, please. You don’t realize, I may be killed tomorrow.

Merlin: OK. He says she wants to unplug all the clocks… and the phones… and have a three-day sex marathon.

Harry: That’s more like it, yeah.

Merlin: He wants to walk wrong for a week… because you guys did it so hard.

Harry: That’s just lovely. Can you get a message to him? For me?

(Returns to Eggsy)

Harry: Sounds risky. It could be an ambush.

Merlin: I find that unlikely.

Harry: I understand, but I disagree.

Merlin: Well then… we are in disagreement. (Pauses.) You’ll have to excuse me. (Walks away.)

Harry: My goodness, I’m sorry you had to witness such a vicious fight.

Eggsy: Oh, was that a fight?

Tequila: Uh, hi. Uh, my name is Tequila, and uh… I like to party.

Eggsy: Uh, no, Tequila. I just said that I party, so maybe you could do something different from me.

Tequila: My name is Tequila, and I… am a Cowboy.

Eggsy: You know what? Let’s move on. Harry, you’re up.

Harry: Uh, hello! I’m Harry, and I like to party.

Eggsy: Yeah, uh, Harry, what did I just say to Tequila?

Harry: Who?

Eggsy: Tequila!

Merlin: I’m Merlin and I party.

Eggsy: No. No, you don’t. Okay, nobody parties but me.

Tequila: Yes, and we party.

Eggsy: No!

Harry: Yes, just Eggsy…

Eggsy: Yes!

Harry: …and me.

Eggsy: No! I’m the only one who parties!

Merlin: I’m pretty sure I’ve partied before.

Eggsy: No, Merlin, I know for a fact you don’t party. Okay? You do not party!

Merlin: You’re right. Tequila’s the party guy.

Tequila: Haha, sweet!

Merlin: What were you expecting?

Eggsy: I don’t know, rock walls, weapons everywhere, a waterfall for a door. I guess I was just picturing the Batcave…and why do you need a vase filled with lemons?

Merlin: The room needed a pop of color.

Harry: Yes, Eggsy, I’d love to discuss your hairbrush for even more time, but I have some pressing Kingsman matters to attend to.

Eggsy: Look at you. Always working. What happened to my fun Harry?

Harry: Fun? I was never fun. You take that back.

Merlin: I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it, Agent Galahad.

Eggsy: Right? When we first met, we would just hang out in the jet - and he would build us a fort with the cushions. We would stay there all day! And Harry would sing these silly little made-up songs….

Tequila: Oh, so much. I’m talking fishing. I’m talking poker. I’m talking drinking. Agent Galahad, what else am I talking?

Eggsy: Wildflower picking so we can make our own cologne!