things john green never said

"Maybe 'turn down for what' will be our always."

Some dicks are bigger than other dicks.

i fell in love with the way your balls dropped first slowly then all at once

Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird urge to urinate, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until you urinate.

"That's the thing about genitals," Augustus said, and then glanced back at me. "They demand to be touched."

What a treacherous thing to believe that Cole Sprouse is more than a peasant.

What a treacherous thing to believe that a pizza is more than a pizza.

We need never be hopeless, because we can never be Mr. Rogers.

The Venn Diagram of boys who don't date smart girls and boys you don't want to date is an elephant.

I fell in love the way you eat pizza rolls: first five, then the whole fucking box.

My thoughts are grains of rice I can’t fathom into rice crispy treats.

If people were rain, I was a wet sock and she was a dry sock.

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: you close your eyes, and then snore.

If people were rain, I was a lizard and she was Lil Wayne.

If people were rain, I was Miss Frizzle and she was David Blaine.

My thoughts are poops I can’t fathom into diarrhea.