most of this is canon.

aquarius: revolution.

scorpio: surprise me

aquarius: i don’t know, do they normally just lie on the floor like that without moving?

libra: i thought the puppies might be lonely.

virgo, narrating: he said, with surprise in his voice, for some reason.

leo: thank you.

cancer: i was gonna say "cray-cray."

aries: so is life, yet you don't hear us complain about it.

taurus: so you can look up ‘fun.’ i’m not sure you know what it means.

aquarius: no.

sagittarius: objectively, i’d say that i’m very smart, although it has nothing to do with my ass.

libra: oh! last time my friends were over we were all sitting here watching a movie, you came downstairs half nude, covered head to toe in salsa and screamed "who wants huevos rancheros now, bitches" THAT'S WHY

virgo: you'll have to kill me for it

leo: because i'm a gift to this world? duh!

virgo: i’m bisexual.

capricorn: if you’re still alive when you’re 80 i’ll demand a medical explanation.