Bringing you shit that Coldplay has actually said

I can't adult today.

Does anyone actually know we released an album last year?

I don't do drugs. I am drugs.

Our movie was crap. Why was I in it?

So... when am I getting a vocal solo?

We're going to release Live 2017 any minute now!

Jonny: Will, what’s in the jar?

I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair.

Phil: Has anybody seen Chris?

Chris: Why are you naked and covered in baby oil?

What? Who's Dakota Johnson?

Finally figured out the reason why I look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

Jonny: Have a nice day!

I'm leaving the band to become a geography teacher.

Chris: And this next song goes out to you Jonny:

Who are Apparatjik and what have they done with our bassist?