Incorrect Boston Gang Quotes

Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr: Bought my family customized t-shirts with my face on them. They loved it.

“Birth is a curse and existence is a prison...”

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. at literally any point between 1864 and 1935.

Rest in fucking pieces, Spam Howe.

Julia: I just slept for 15 hours what did I miss?

Sam: This dick.

Julia: Oh thank god I thought I missed something big.

Theodore: Officer I would like to report a murder.

Charles Sumner: Jesus Christ, you know?You do your best. You try to serve the people and then they just fuck you over. And you know why? Because they’re ignorant and they’re dumb as shit.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.

William Lloyd Garrison, deeply distressed: LEAPING LIZARDS!

Samuel Gridley Howe: I know you’re under a lot of stress right now, but watch your fucking language.

Honestly, this particular meme was a long time coming, no justification needed.

Sam Howe: ... would you fuck a clone of yourself? Henry Longfellow: I would not have sex with my clone because what if my clone was evil? Charles Sumner: I don’t want to fuck my clone because my self-loathing is THAT strong. Julia Ward Howe: To be honest, fucking my clone has always been my fantasy. Charley Longfellow: It’s basically the same as masturbating, right? So no big deal. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr: It’s not the same as masturbating; it’d be like having sex with your twin. Wrong and bad! Wendy Holmes: Not only would I have sex with my clone, I’d probably make a bunch of clones and just get it on with all of them at once because that’s how pro-clone fucking I am. Theodore Parker: You guys are nasty and I’m, frankly, a little concerned.

John Quincy Adams: Why are you squeezing me with your body?

Holmes Sr. and Jr. don’t mean to antagonize one another. It just happens. On a daily basis. Intentionally.

One of Sam Howe’s worst habits was making fun of Cornelius Felton’s weight (i.e. that time he said Felton should be the subject of a butter sculpture).  Sure, Felton had some seriously bad politics, but that’s still a very low blow.

Charles Sumner: Do I stutter?

Stephen Douglas: Oh, okay, fair enough. Oh, you know what? [takes his handkerchief out of his pocket and tosses it to Sumner] You might want to borrow this.

William Seward: Ew, no one wants your dirty underwear, Douglas.

Stephen Douglas: It's not dirty underwear, it's a white flag. And you may as well start waving it right now, Sumner.

Charles Sumner: THE ONLY THING I WILL BE WAVING IS YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD ON A STICK IN FRONT OF YOUR WEEPING MOTHER.

Henry Wilson: [disturbed/disgusted face]

“Coleslaw, Wendell, get it???”

“I literally hate you right now.”

-Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr and Jr, most definitely.

Part of the reason Reverend Parker probably chose Unitarianism as his faith was because he wouldn’t have to sit through confessions like these.

Nathaniel Hawthorne, a concise history:

Look, no more talking, okay? I don’t like talking. I don’t like chatter and questions. And, “How are you? Oh I’m fine!” “How are you? I’m fine too.”

NEWS FLASH. Nobody’s fine.

Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. and Amelia Holmes- you cannot convince me that their relationship wasn’t like this.

Holmes: Aww, babe... you had a crush on me... that’s embarrassing.

Amelia: We’re married...

Holmes: Still...