I Never Did That! Steven, are you telling lies?

Jamie: Well, everything is more dramatic in the rain. Is it not?

Lapis: How are you going to do that?

Peridot: The same way I write a story.

Lapis: Not showering for days while you hoover gummy bears in your pajamas and swear at your laptop?

Peridot: No. I'm plotting Steven's murder.

-Opal

Yellow Diamond: Destroying human civilization isn't a hobby?

-Pearl

Amethyst: I hate to update you on current events, but they got bad a while ago.

-Alexandrite, probably.

Peridot: Oh, don't be that way! We're old friends, Lazuli. We have history.

Lapis: And it's this history that makes me want to destroy you where you stand.

Amethyst: Well, you're not much of a... Wait, wait, honestly, I had something really good for this yesterday...

- Rose Quartz

Amethyst: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Steven: Let me rephrase. Did you inhale the last slice of pizza without even chewing?

Amethyst: Oh that! Yes.

Priyanka: Do you think I'm an idiot?

Connie: Huh?

Priyanka: Do you think I don't know where you've been?

Connie: What do you mean?

Priyanka: You think I wouldn't recognize the signs? Clean fingernails, good posture, cookie crumbs in your pockets. You're never hungry at dinnertime. You're seeing another mom.

Connie: I don't know what you're talking about.

Priyanka: Don't lie to me!

Connie: It's not what you think.

Priyanka: Who is she?

Connie: Why does that matter?

Priyanka: Who is she!?

Connie: ...Pearl. It doesn't mean anything. A couple weeks ago, I stopped by her house, and she had her iron out. She was just so nice, and there was cake.

Priyanka: Gonna be a long time before you get any cake around here.

Connie: I wasn't expecting any.

Priyanka: After everything I've sacrificed for you, all I've done- you come waltzing in here day after day, reeking of her fabric softener.

Connie: Yes! I like fabric softener! Pearl doesn't mind taking a little time to stop the rinse cycle. And maybe it's nice to have someone who's got more to say to me than just, "Clean your room, comb your hair," uh-da-da, uh-da-da, uh-da-da.

Priyanka: Do you love her?

Connie: Of course not. It's just snacks.

Priyanka: Oh, you like her snacks. You like filling up on her cookies. You know they're store bought.

Connie: That's beneath you, mom.

Steven: Or what?

Amethyst: Or I shall make silly faces at you. As I alone can.

Steven: They aren't silly.

Amethyst: They're hilarious.

Steven: Last time you made a tentacle come out of your forehead.

Amethyst: Highbrow comedy.

Steven: Then it slapped me.

Amethyst: Punch line. Obviously.

Pearl: Garnet, I'm traveling light! I've left ninety percent of my clothing.

Garnet: And brought all of your swords.

Pearl: I need them.

-Pearl

Amethyst: We get arrested.

Garnet: We die.

Pearl: We fail.

Steven: Oh, you know. I'm just bottling it up so when I get a therapist someday, I'll have enough trauma to get my money's worth out of it.