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@incorrect-spg
Jenny: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire??
Jack: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
Cliff: Why were you microwaving a lemon???
Jack: I read boiling lemons helps cover up up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots.
Billy: Did you burn an orange too? How???
Jack: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
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Mack: So... what’s goin’ on?
Billy : You want the long version or the short version?
Mack, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?
Billy : Shit’s fucked.
Mack: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.
Jenny: Hello Billy , made anyone cry today?
Billy : Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.
Mack: I couldn't do this without you, Jack.
Jack: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course.
Cliff: Hey, did you know as a kid I accidentally ate paper?
Jenny: I feel like we've all done that at least once.
Jack: I ate it too-
Jenny: See?
Jack:: -On purpose...
Cliff & Jenny: ...What?
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Jack: *watching their house burn down*
Jack:
Jack: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.
Cliff: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?
Jenny: wHat?
Cliff: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.
Jenny: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?
Jack: Time for plan G. Jenny: Don’t you mean plan B? Jack: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties. Cliff: What about plan D? Jack: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. Mack: What about plan E? Jack: I’m hoping not to use it. Billy dies in plan E. Billy: I like plan E.
Jenny: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me Cliff: Okay, but in my defense, Jack bet me 50 cents I couldn’t drink all that shampoo. Jenny: That’s not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!
Jenny: Cliff, I'm sad. Cliff: *Holds out arms for a hug* It’s going to be okay. Jack: Billy, I'm sad. Billy, nodding: mood.
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Jack: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos. Jenny: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard. Billy: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos? Cliff: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.
Mack: I think we should adopt another kid.
Bing: No.
Mack: Why?
Bing: Because by “kid” you mean “frog”, and we already have 24 of those.
Mack: [unzips his jacket] Make that 25.
Billy: What are you two eating?
Robbie: Robbie made soup
Mack: He melted down mayonnaise and added cheese
Billy: Why didn't you stop him? why are you eating it??
Mack: He was so proud of it. I didn't want to discourage him. my chest hurts but look at how happy Robbie is!
Jenny, setting down a card: Ace of spades!
Cliff, pulling an Uno card: Draw 4!
Jack, pulling out a Pokemon card: Pikachu, I choose you!
Billy: What the fuck are we even playing?!
Jack: [Calling 911]
Jack: Hey I hate to be that guy, but I glued myself to the ceiling again.
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Jack: If you had to separate your frog from 49 other identical frogs that were all equally excited to see you, how would you determine which frog was yours?
Mack: I would take my 50 frogs home and live like a king.
Chase: I drink to forget, but I always remember.
Billy: You’re drinking a capri sun.