Identity Cannot Save You

1. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, does things wrongs, and has moments of regret. There are no perfect people out there. In that sense, you are just the same as everybody else.

2. Remind yourself that “that was then, and this is now”. You can’t turn back the clocks and change what you did, but you can be a different person in the future.

3. Allow yourself to experience and name the feelings you are struggling with (regret, guilt, shame, disappointment, embarrassment, sadness, etc.) – then make the decision to let those feelings go. In the end, it’s unhealthy to become attached to them.

4. Ask yourself what you can learn from the situation. What would you do differently if you found yourself in that situation again? How can it change the person you are now (so that you feel better about yourself)?

5. Recognise that failings and mistakes are part of the growth process. It’s inevitable that you’ll encounter obstacles, challenges and failures throughout life. Don’t let that stop you from really living life.

6. Remind yourself that “it was what you did, it’s not who you are.” Don’t allow any single event or experience to define you. You are more than – so don’t let that become your identity. Don’t let it determine your destiny.  

Anxiety: You should definitely do something to fix it right now.

Depression: No energy. No get-up-and-go.

Anxiety: Gotta do it.

Depression: Nope. Too tired.

Anxiety: Gotta do it.

Depression: Can barely do it. Can’t do it right and proper and up to your standards, so no, don’t do it.

Anxiety: You should definitely do something to fix it right now.

Depression: Even if we fix this thing, you’ll just get equally scared about something else.

Anxiety: You should definitely do something to fix it right now.

Depression: … No.

For the last eight years, I’ve been 100% sure for most of the year that I would somehow die before Christmas came, so to me, it wasn’t real. It didn’t exist. So I didn’t decorate, didn’t buy any gifts (or if I did buy them, I didn’t wrap them), didn’t decorate my tree, didn’t watch any cheesy holiday movies. Absolutely nothing. And it was extra weird because at work, I was surrounded by customers who were buying decorations and gifts starting at the end of October, talking excitedly to me about their holiday plans. And I was excited for them, I was happy for them, because I knew they would live to see Christmas. It was real for them, but not for me.

And then it got to be like, December 22nd, and it suddenly hit me that I’m probably not going to die just yet and I should maybe, you know, get a couple of gifts and throw some lights up here and there so that my family could at least have some semblance of a nice cozy Christmas. So there I am doing all my shopping and decorating on Christmas Eve even though my thoughts have already turned to “well, I’m going to die before next Christmas, so I shouldn’t bother buying new lights or wrapping paper.”

Same shit with every other holiday I celebrate, with going on trips, going to cons, even with preparing for seasonal changes like buying sweaters when they’re on sale in summer because I’m going to die before winter so what’s the point? And even after this happens eight, nine, ten times, it doesn’t change. Even though I survived the last eight Christmases, I’m not going to make it to this one, so why bother?

- respect their need to prioritize themselves first and give them space when they need it; if they need to sleep or go to work, that’s a bad time to bring up needing help if your needing help is chronic and ongoing rather than urgent and sudden

- thank them for their help more often than you apologize to them for needing it. If you thank them they’ll feel good and appreciated, but if you apologize for needing help constantly that will become just one more thing they’ll feel responsible for comforting you over