Always, Sometimes

I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go.

It is awful to want to go away and to want to go nowhere.

And just like that he picked her up and dusted her off. Without even trying. That’s how their love was. When she was at her worst, he saw her at her best.

Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but ‘Mom’s’ probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.

I’m literally so tired of being nice to people and going out of my way to make sure they’re okay and happy just to get treated like shit. Fuck everyone who I’ve been there for and haven’t been there for me.

Someday someone won’t be afraid of how much you love. They won’t stay on the shore; they’ll meet you in the depths.