pushing it down and praying {chris sturniolo}
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pairing(s): ex bf!chris x fem!reader
summary: even in a new relationship — you just can’t seem to forget about chris.
warning(s): smut!! (p in v, creampie, spanking), cheating, language, drinking
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i’m in bed layin down, naked
i love him, kiss his mouth, prayin
soft puffs of air slip past your lips as he hovers above you, holding himself up with one of his hands as the other tucks hair behind your ear gently. he ruts his hips into yours, your sweaty skin sticking together every time it meets. he leans down to connect his mouth to your jaw, peppering kisses all the way to your lips — a breathy moan escaping you in reply.
the kiss was tender and had you gripping at his shoulders for support, eyes fluttering shut as you didn’t dare to open them. “i l-love you.” he whispered out against the kiss, his voice breaking as he continued his slow, deep thrusts. a soft hum reverberated through your chest as you connected his lips to yours again — a wave crashing over you as his words pushed you over the edge. the words you never returned back to him.
the sheets were fully tossed to the side as your back sank down into the mattress, a soft sheen glistening over your naked body. with an expressionless stare you looked towards the ceiling, arms down by your side as you laid completely still. soft footsteps echoed through the room as he shuffled around, cleaning himself up after being satisfied with helping you do the same. your thoughts are interrupted by his lips pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead as he climbed back into bed, snuggling into your side as he drifted off to sleep. “goodnight beautiful..” he murmurs sleepily into your hair.
it was wrong — you knew that it was. but how could you tell your mind to stop doing something that was out of your control? all it took was closing your eyes and then, and only then, were you exactly where you wanted to be. where you needed to be. if you thought about it hard enough — focused on it deep enough— then really he wasn’t actually gone, you hadn’t truly broken up.
at least that’s what you told yourself. it was where you drifted to as you walked side by side, fingers interlocked as you strolled through a park. or where you were when he kissed you deeply everyday once he returned home from work. and when it worked the most was when things were intimate — as long as you kept your eyes shut.
because how could you explain to him that his eyes were the same shade of blue as the ones of the person you loved before?
i wanna feel that it’s wrong
wanna sing a different song
he had been gone all day. out for a business trip that he said would only last the day. midnight was his estimated arrival. you had been doing better, the thoughts less frequent and the spiraling was becoming more manageable.
you planned to spend the day doing some of your favorite things — reading your book, walking in the park, listening to some of your favorite vinyls, and so on and so forth. and you truly were going to do just that, waiting patiently on vince’s return. that is until you received an unexpected message…
after months of radio silence — chris had sent you a text.
it was simple and straight to the point, just a quick “i miss you” which he probably typed out and meant to delete but his finger slipped and hit the send button. as soon as it pinged your phone your heart nearly stopped beating. an instant wave of nausea settling over you as your fingers tremble over the keyboard. surely he knew that you were happily in a new relationship… every reply you typed out you quickly deleted, nothing sounded good enough to send back. finally, you settled on something rather snarky, letting him know that you were not interested and hadn’t been thinking of him at all.
but when there was that knock rasping at your front door, you found yourself rushing over in an instant. with nimble fingers, you unlocked the deadbolt, slowly pulling the door open. and when your eyes instantly found each other’s you knew that this disaster was only just beginning. “hey ma,” his voice filled the air, raspy and low, his hands tucked in the front pockets of his jeans. his hair had grown longer since the last time you’d seen him, dark, wavy tufts tucked beneath the brim of a black baseball cap. he wore his favorite baggy, black jeans — held up by his prized balenciaga belt. and to complete his outfit, a black chrome hearts t-shirt that was cut at the hem just enough to almost rest as slightly cropped.
“hi,” you whispered breathlessly.
i need to want somethin more
but now i don’t know what he’s givin for
your conscience was heavier than usual when vince returned home from work. it wasn’t like you and chris had even done anything. all you did was talk to him. vince wouldn’t know he was over, there was no way he could figure it out. so you weren’t sure why you were pacing the living room and twiddling with your thumbs. maybe it was stupid to have invited chris in, especially when you could’ve held up the lie that you hadn’t missed him like he claimed to miss you.
but it was when his eyes met yours — when they truly connected for the first time since that tear filled night when things ended — you caved. you allowed him into your apartment, the one you shared with vince, your current boyfriend.
and when vince came in through the front door and found you baking in the kitchen, he raised an eyebrow, “woah, what’s with all the mess?” his lips spread to a curious smile. flour coated the counters and some parts of the floor. your hands covered in dough as you rolled out some cookies onto a pan. you only ever baked when you were stressed out — he knew that.
his arms wrapped lovingly around you waist from behind, his chin resting on your shoulder as he pressed a kiss to your cheek, “wanna talk about it? is it work?” he asked in a soft whisper.
and after a bunch of made up excuses, and rambling on about work, you had made the perfect batch of remorseful cookies. vince glued to your side the whole time, his touch and gentle gestures only a constant reminder of who had been over just before he got home.
i'm in bed, layin down, naked
i love him, kiss his mouth, sayin
"oh yeah, baby, touch and touch and touch and touch me"
in the weeks that followed you found yourself lying and sneaking around with chris. vince knew you had dated somebody before him, he knew that you had been in the relationship for awhile before the break up. he was unaware however, of the extent of the breakup and any and all details about the guy you dated. he was unaware that the late night texts you sent were to the person you swore was blocked on your phone. and he had no idea that when you were ‘just meeting with some friends’ that you were at his house — clothes discarded on the floor.
“fuckin shit, squeezin me so tight..” chris panted in your hair, his chest hovering over your back as he drove your hips into the mattress. helpless whimpers left your mouth, head moved to the side as your fingers gripped below at his bedsheets. chris nipped at your ear, rutting his hips deep inside of you, pressing against that spot that made you see stars. “does he fuck ya like this baby?” chris mumbled, his lips moving to dance down your shoulder, leaving a quick bite. you shook your head vigorously, “n-no chris… j-just you..” the words stumbling out between gasps.
he groans at your reply, gripping tightly at your ass before delivering a sharp smack. his body leaned back as he watched your pussy hungrily take him in, fluttering around his dick with each thrust. “nobody but me yeah?” he asked cockily, head reeling with a sense of pride and power. you cooed as his hands tightly locked over your hips, pulling them up off the bed as he lifted your ass into the air, driving himself impossibly deeper into you. his arm snaked around your waist as his fingers pressed firmly onto your sensitive clit, rubbing rough circles as your body began to tremble. “c-chris i can’t-“ you began to stammer, hands vigorously readjusting their grip on his sheets as you fought back pleasured tears.
“y’ got it..” he encouraged, his movements not halting for even a split second, milking you to your release. you buried your face into his pillow, coming undone around him as he flicked your clit. his hand tangled into your hair, pulling at it as he lifted your head from the pillow, “let me hear it ma.” he grunted lowly, chasing his own release as he worked you through your own. “don’t hide from me.”
“oh fuck- fuckkk, where do you want me?” chris groaned, his movements becoming sloppy as his own orgasm quickly began to flood through his body. “inside me.” you whined desperately, your walls clenching tightly against his dick. he grunted, lazily fucking into you a few more times before filling you up with his release. his eyes stayed trained on the way your pussy seemed to hungrily take him in, even now with your mix of fluids beginning to trickle down to your thighs. he dropped your hips, making you fall back onto your stomach as he slipped out of you.
chris collapsed at your side, his arm lazily slung over your waist, pulling you close to him. his lips ghosted over the skin on your shoulder as he spoke, “missed you… missed this.” he admitted, and it hurt you more than you liked to admit. a soft hum of agreement fell from your lips, your head turning on the mattress so you could face him. his bright, blue eyes locked onto yours, his breath delicately fanning over your face as you laid only inches apart. his fingers traced mindless patterns on your arm as he admired you. his voice filled the air again, only a soft whisper — just for you to hear, “y’ know, sometimes, i wish the whole break up-“
you groaned loudly, slipping out of chris’ arms to grab your phone off the nightstand. your heart ached as you saw the caller id, quickly sliding your finger to answer the call. “hello?” you said, holding the speaker up to your ear, trying to swallow down the sudden urge to vomit. “hey baby, i got done with work early so i’m headin’ back home. are you there? i was thinking maybe we could watch a movie or somethin’ tonight.” vince’s voice said into the speaker. you instantly swung your feet off the side of chris’ bed, beginning to shuffle around the room and grab all your discarded clothes. “uhh- i ran out to the store super quick but i’ll be back before you get there.” you quickly explained, trying to think of something believable. you could hear vince hum through the speaker, “oh what did you go out to get?” he asked curiously.
“oh- i um… i needed some more tampons..” you stammered, your heart pounding in your chest as you lied straight through your teeth. “i thought your period wasn’t for another week or so?” he questioned, making your face heat up with guilt — cheeks burning. you mentally cursed yourself as you spoke up again, “yeah you’re right but i don’t know… my stomach felt kinda weird today and i was almost out of tampons so i was just- making sure i had some in case it came early..”
“yeah, that makes sense. alright well, i’ll see you soon babe?” he said sweetly, the sound of his car unlocking echoing through the phone. you hummed in response, eager for the phone call to end. “i love you so much.” vince said.
“yeah, see you soon. bye.” you said quickly before hanging up the line. chris watched you carefully as you rushed to put on the rest of your clothes, shoving your phone into your bag before slinging it over your shoulder. his arms were rested behind his head, his legs crossed at the ankles as he observed. “so, i’m assuming you’re dipping?” he questioned, his voice making you jump slightly as he pulled you out of your thoughts. you quickly nodded your head, slipping on your shoes. “vince just called and said he got off work early.. he’ll be home in like twenty minutes so i gotta hurry.” you informed him. chris hummed, “ah- i see.” he said, the disinterest dripping off his tongue.
“i’ll text you?” you offered as you made your way to his bedroom door — hand already wrapped around the doorknob. chris nodded his head slightly, his demeanor completely different than it was just before you got the call. you couldn’t tell however, your mind too occupied with the intention of getting home before your boyfriend. with a curt wave you rushed out the door, leaving chris all alone as you rushed back to the person you claimed you didn’t want.
i wanna feel that it's wrong
wanna sing a different song
vince was out at work again, chris knew his schedule by now — had it memorized down to the millisecond. he knew the exact moment vince would slip on his shoes to leave, all the way to the moment his key would jingle in the door as he returned home. that was the exact reason he had decided to call you, needing to hear your voice but too preoccupied to stop by your house.
“hey ma,” his voice rasped through the phone speaker. a small smile pulled on your lips as you held the phone to your ear, “chris.” you greeted back, your voice a whisper purely out of instinct to not get caught.
“you alone?” he wondered, hearing your hushed voice come through his phone. he walked around his room for a moment before settling at his desk, propping his feet up as he swayed slightly in his chair, his free hand absentmindedly fiddling with a lighter. his eyes trained on the flame as he flicked it on and off, watching it glow. “i’m alone.” you confirmed, sitting down in your living room, a picture of you and vince staring back at you as it sat neatly in its frame on the bookshelf. chris flicked the lighter again, a deep humming emitting from his throat.
“where’s your boyfriend?” he asked, his tone dripping with faux curiosity. the question made your heart ache as the picture continued to stare you down. “he’s at…”
“work. yeah, i know. jus’ wanted to hear y’ say it.” he finished your sentence for you, tossing the lighter onto his desk with a clatter before standing up from his desk chair. he sighed heavily, the phone rustling in your ear as he began to move. “when can i see you again?” he suddenly asked, the sound of him grabbing his keys echoing through the speaker. it was your turn to sigh as you shifted on the sofa, “i don’t know chris….”
“what do y’ mean?” he was quick to question, his movements momentarily pausing as he listened carefully to your next words.
“i mean… we probably shouldn’t… see each other anymore.” you whispered, the words harder to admit than you would like them to be. his tongue prodded at the side of his cheek as his eyebrows furrowed, “… and why not?” his free hand shoved its way into the front of his jean pocket, his fingers still tightly gripping on his car keys. a small pout formed on your lips as you shut your eyes, trying to keep yourself firm on your decision.
“it’s not fair to him… to vince.” you whispered, the slight waver in your voice not lost on chris. chris nodded his head, his lips pressing into a tight line as he hummed unamused, “but it’s fair t’ me?”
“chris, you know that’s not what i meant…” you sighed, shaking your head as you covered your eyes with your free hand, rubbing at your eyes. “i know baby… look i gotta go, m’ kay? text me when you decide you need a moment away from your new, little, boyfriend, yeah?”
and before you could even respond, the line went dead — just as the sound of keys began to jingle in the lock of your front door.
i need to want somethin' more
but now i don't know what he's giving for
you laid in chris’ bed, giggling at something he said as he sat across the room at his desk. every inch of his space smelled like his cologne. the room was practically untouched from the time you were together until now, everything still sat perfectly in its place. it was a little messy, some clothes scattered around and some cans of pepsi — some empty and some half full accompanying the clothes. but despite the slight mess, it strangely felt like home. a home that you missed despite choosing to move out — to move on.
chris swiveled in his gaming chair, a sly smile forming on his lips as he watched you lay across his bed. he admired you for a moment, your giggles filling the air, before he decided to speak up, “come over again tomorrow?” your giggles stopped as his voice replaced them, making you sit up slightly, propping yourself up on your elbows. his eyes met yours instantly, his tongue subconsciously slipping over his bottom lip. he noticed how your expression had completely changed, that smile you had been wearing since you arrived now gone.
“i can’t..” you whispered remorsefully. he frowned, pushing off his chair and making his way to the bed as he climbed on top of you, laying you back down against his mattress as he wrapped himself around you. “pleaseeee?” he pled, dragging out the word as he nuzzled his head into your neck, his hair tickling your cheek. you lazily wrapped your arms behind his neck, holding him close as he laid on top of you. “i can’t chris…” you restated, making him sigh. he pushed himself off you, laying down by your side as his eyes fixed on his ceiling.
“vince is dragging me to some party his friends invited him to.” you explained, glancing over at him. chris hummed, keeping his eyes up at the ceiling. you studied his face carefully, the strong definition of his jaw, the slight flutter of his eyelashes. a soft breath of air fell from your lips as you moved closer, laying your head on his chest.
“trust me, i don’t want to go-“ you started to say softly.
“-then don’t.” chris cut you off immediately, moving your bodies so that you were both laid on your sides, facing one another. he rested his forehead against yours, his eyes staring deeply into yours as a comforting silence hung in the air. “i have to.” you finally whispered, knowing that no matter how badly you wanted to be with chris, you had to go to that party. “then just shut y’ mouth and stop thinking about it right now…” he murmured before connecting his lips to yours in a slow, deep kiss — pulling a moan from your throat. his arms encircled your waist as he pulled you closer, his tongue tracing your bottom lip, begging for a taste of you. when your lips parted he wasted no time slipping his tongue in, melding it with yours as he deepened the kiss.
if only this never had to end.
softer, harder, in between
you know just how to get to me
he is stable, you are deep
i know just how to get what i need
hand in hand you and vince walked into the party. the music was loud, the floors were sticky from spilled alcohol, and there was a ton of people — some familiar faces scattered around. one of vince’s friends had invited him to be here and you joined as a plus one. he dropped your hand only a few minutes after coming in the doors, dapping up his friends as they came across each other — exchanging pleasantries.
“ah, this must be the girl we’ve heard so much about!” one of the guys said loudly over the music, sparing you a glance as you stood to the side. vince nodded his head, a hand placing on the small of your back as he guided you towards the circle of his friends, “this is her.” you sent the group a short smile, shaking their hands and introducing yourself briefly before breaking away to go grab a drink. the crowd parted as you pushed through towards the kitchen, ready to down some liquid courage. you filled a solo cup, swirling the ingredients around before taking a swig — vodka with a splash of punch. the liquid burned as it slid down your throat, making you nearly cough. it didn’t need to taste good. at least that’s what you reminded yourself as you took some more gulps, the liquor shooting warmth through your body and setting your skin ablaze.
if there was one good thing about being here with vince, it was the fact that he didn’t necessarily need to be by your side every second of the night. you however, did need a moment away and to yourself. after taking another sip of your vodka (with a hint of punch) your eyes fell on the crowd past the kitchen. a spark of electricity igniting through you as your eyes met somebody else’s. gulping down the swig you had taken your eyes widen slightly, chris was here. you muttered some curses under your breath, tucking your head down as you tried to slip out of the kitchen undetected. this was the last thing you needed right now.
“sorry, s’cuse me…” you murmured, zigzagging through the sea of bodies. the lights that flashed around the house made everybody’s face blurry, tumbling over your feet as the alcohol ran its course. a couple people sent you glares as you continued to push through, not even sure where you were expecting to end up besides away from chris. your heart caught in your throat as strong hands grasped your waist from behind, halting you in your place, “chris, not now i-“ you started, turning over your shoulder to be met with another set of blue eyes.
“huh baby? what’d you say?” vince asked curiously, his fingers holding onto your hip slightly tighter as he leaned in closer — the music almost too loud to hear what you had said. you bit your tongue for a moment, realizing your mistake and hoping he hadn’t heard your slip up. “did you say chris? who’s chris?” vince asked sweetly, his tone not showing any signs of aggression or jealousy — just pure wonder. “w-what? no i- i said your name…” you stammered, unknowingly avoiding his gaze as you glanced around the room, trying to make sure chris was far, far away. vince furrowed his brows, watching you carefully as your pupils frantically looked in every direction but his. “sweetheart are you sure you’re okay-“
“i said i’m fine vince.” you interrupted, arms crossing over your chest as your eyes finally met his. you held your plastic cup out, slipping it into his hand before speaking again, “i’m using the restroom. watch my drink, yeah?” turning on your heels, you began walking into the crowd again but vince was hot on your trail. “i’ll come with you.” he spoke over the music, catching your wrist in his hand before interlocking your fingers together as you dragged him through the room. he didn’t take his eyes off you as you slipped into the tiny bathroom. the room was dimly lit, a faint scent of citrus hanging in the air — likely from it being cleaned before the party. you thrummed your fingers against the porcelain of the vanity sink, looking deep into the mirror as your heart pounded in your chest.
frantically, you began rummaging and rustling through the bathroom, trying to make it seem like you were actually doing something from an outsiders perspective. vince has his ear pressed close to the door, trying to blindly keep an eye on you just with his ears. “you okay?” he called out through the door. you paused your fumbling around, glancing back at the door through the mirror, “mhm, all good.” you said. the door hit vince slightly as you finally emerged, making him jump trying to act like he wasn’t listening through the door. his hand immediately found its way to your lower back, “you ready? my friends are waitin’ on us.” you sent him an unassuming glance, nodding your head as you dipped back towards the party — your mind still elsewhere.
as the night wore on and more alcohol was consumed you found it increasingly harder to stay at vince’s side. his chatter with his friends was wearing you out, having no interest in sports or hearing about the girls that the others were fucking. swirling the drink around in your cup became the most interesting topic. the liquid sloshed against the sides as you absentmindedly rotated it around — drowning out all the extra noise.
“y/n?” a voice questioned, your head whipping up at the sound in surprise. a hand landed on your bicep, giving it a squeeze, “i didn’t know you were gonna be here.” chris smiled, acting as though he hadn’t already seen you from across the room earlier. your eyes were wide as you stared back at him, your breath catching in your throat as you felt vince slip into the other side of your body, arm wrapping around your waist. “you know him?” vince’s voice cuts through the air, a hint of jealousy laced in his words. you glance to your side, sparing him a quick once over as his hand tightens on your waist before your eyes fell back on chris. “uh… yeah, vince this is um.. this is-” you stammered, heart pounding viciously in your chest.
“-chris. old friends.” chris quickly stated, cutting you off as he held his hand out, firmly shaking vince’s. the cup in your hand trembled as you watched the interaction, you knew the game chris was trying to play — using your boyfriends lack of knowledge on your past relationship with him to his advantage. vince clicked his tongue, “ah- old friends? well.. i hate to cut your reunion short but we were just leaving.”
“what? vince i-“ you started to say before a stifled chuckle cut you off. “nice to meet you, chris.” vince stated pointedly before dragging your through the crowd by your hand. your shoes dragged on the floor as you tried to stop him from making you leave but it was no use, his strength no match for yours. as he stormed down the sidewalk with you stumbling behind his trail he pressed the unlock button on his car over and over, the headlights lighting up the walkway. roughly, he tossed your cup into the yard, the contents of your punch spilling all over the lawn as he yanked open the passenger door for you to get inside. you looked up at him with a gleam in your eyes, frozen outside of his car, “can’t we talk about this-“
“i don’t want to fucking talk to you right now. get in the fucking car.” you blinked away tears as you swallowed the hard lump in your throat, sinking quickly into your seat and moving out of the way as he slammed it shut behind you before making his way to the drivers seat.
the ride home was silent.
i wanna feel that it's wrong
wanna be singin' a different song
“are you fucking serious?” vince asked harshly, pacing the foot of the bed as you sat directly on the edge of the mattress you both shared. you looked down at his feet, watching him pace as he let out angry huffs and sighs. “did you think i was stupid? you think i wasn’t going to find out about your little … lie?”
“what lie, vince?” you spat back, voice sharper than a knife. your eyes raised up, nearly unblinking as you stared at him dead on — as though you were challenging him, though you weren’t sure you really wanted to in this current moment. vince was never the kind of guy to get angry, or even raise his voice, but there was a light that seemingly had drained from his eyes as you watched him continue to pace.
he stopped dead in his tracks, his hand reaching out to you, “give me your phone.” a soft gasp of air escaped your lips as your eyebrows furrowed, clutching your phone tighter in your hands. he took a step forward, his hand still outstretched as you lightly shook your head. “give me your fucking phone.” shakily, you held your phone out to him, his fingers instantly wrapping around it as he yanked it away from you. he knew your password — he always had, but he never had reason to go through it (that he knew of) until after your run in with chris at the party. you watched silently as his fingers began searching through the contents of your phone, his face contorted into a scowl.
“vince i-“ your voice came out softly. he paused, glancing up to you before turning the screen to face you, “what’s this?” the screen showed texts between you and chris, vince beginning to scroll up to see the extent of all the messages you’d exchanged. you tugged your bottom lip between your teeth — an anxious habit of yours. he quirked his eyebrows at your silence, “nothing to say for yourself?” all you could do was shake your head, shrugging your shoulders slightly. you knew your voice would fail you if you tried to speak. what could you even say? he had caught you.
vince sighed deeply, locking your phone and tossing it behind you on the bed. “what the fuck- what the actual fuck..” he mumbled, beginning to pace the room again as his mind reeled. you pushed yourself off the mattress, walking over to him and attempting to catch his wrists in your hands. delicately, your fingers curled around his wrists, urging him to stop his pacing. with a scoff he yanked himself out of your grip, “nah, don’t touch me right now.. i think we need a break.”
“a break? vince are you serious?” you questioned, feeling your mouth drop open in shock. his eyes were brimmed with tears, his thumb and pointer finger pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to contain his anger. with a quick swipe of his hand across his face, rubbing away the frustration, he nodded his head, “i’m serious.” the burn in your heart and throat intensified, not because you were scared of losing him but because you knew he was too good for you anyways. pressing your lips into a tight line you shot him a half hearted smile, collecting your phone and purse and leaving your shared apartment.
so, i'm pushing it down and prayin'
he won't see it when i come
a few days was all it took until you had made up with one another. only a few days of peace and quiet before you were back in a place somewhere in between heaven and hell. you knew vince was too good for you — too forgiving, too in love…
so when you found yourself tangled in your sheets with him yet again you had no one to blame but yourself as you stared off into space. he whispered sweet nothings into your ear, pressing light kisses into your temple. “oh sweetheart… i love you s’much…” he murmured, his voice unsteady as he gently rocked his hips. “only i treat you this good.” he stated softly as you continued to stare at the white ceiling.
i'm pushing it down and prayin'
