In Creative Bursts

Basically, we canned last week. So the cans have to have a fan on them overnight, and someone turned that fan off. So we tried drying each individual can, and it fell down to just throwing wet cans in packaging. Which felt weird. And felt like it was destroying the packaging.

I really haven’t had time to study, unfortunately. I’m going to be working on an appendix (basically a test) in my Powershell book today and see if I can get part of a chapter down in my Windows 10 book.

I still do believe in my dream of working in IT for a brewery but I always second-guess myself regarding it.

Julie and I are looking into moving in together. It’s weird, about a month ago (or two), Matt told me he was moving to California and I was about ready to pack up and leave Jersey for a while. I’d still love to live out west for a little, but I think living with Julie would be nice.

On that topic, I don’t know. I feel weird in our current relationship. The past two weeks, I feel like I’ve had to initiate sex. We used to do it twice or so when I’d come over, and now when I want to go at it a second time, it’s always a flimsy excuse and a “maybe later”. And, to be fair, we did have sex twice yesterday, and she seemed to enjoy the second time, it’s just something nagging me that maybe she’s not as into me. Maybe I’ve become boring or the sex is boring. And I’ve asked on multiple occasions, but she says everything is fine.

She got blackout drunk with her friends on Friday and, while I know she obviously didn’t mean to, she was telling me about a few guys who were clearly hitting on her. One guy she took a Snapchat with and exchanged usernames with and... it just made me super uncomfortable. The bullriding (mechanical) also makes me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable, but she plays it off like it’s nothing. Which bothers and annoys me. I obviously don’t want to limit her freedoms in doing that, but I know the reason that’s there is because they want to get girls on it.

I’ve been working on Neshaminy Falls a little the past few weeks. Here’s what I have written so far:

How did it ever come to this? // Was I... ever the optimist? // No // I’m a burden at worst and a stranger at best. // Hear me floating through the air // A fickle melody whose notes you can’t quite connect. // A dirge not for the dead // A hymn to the gun pressed to my head.

When I die, what will become of me? // Will these notes become my legacy? // Or will I just die here in regret // Left to dig myself an early grave // If I go the way that I’m planning // Will your heaven have a place for me? // Or will I just rot here in the dirt // Left alone here in Neshaminy... Falls.

[...]

I feel like my drinking is starting to spiral out of control. Case in point, I lost my last job (though unrelated to drinking, mostly via a stupid email), and am now working at a brewery. And while the people there seem a lot... I feel like “worse” is too mean a word, but it gets the point across... fine, worse than me, it still doesn’t help the fact that in the last few months, I’ve made a slew of bad decisions when it comes to drinking and operating an automobile. It’s been one-and-a-half in the last month alone. 

Three weeks ago, I got in my car after a party, and I don’t really remember the ride home (it’s really fuzzy, I have a general idea). I remember getting home and freaking out, then the shame the next day.

This past weekend, I went to a beer hall with a few friends and, while I remember parts of the ride (such as the fact that I got lost and my friend was unconscious in the backseat), it’s not super clear. This one, I’m not sure if I should be worried by, because I do have a general idea of the ride, but I’m not 100% certain. It has been two days, so maybe it’s just part of that has eroded.

I feel myself being more depressed as of late. I can’t really remember if I was more depressed at my old job or my new one. This one, I feel like I’m not being utilized properly. In the last month, it’s been very slow and I feel like crap having to constantly ask for work to do. 

I’ve also severely injured myself twice and I feel like a lot of my coworkers dislike me for it, and also probably just for being me.

I’m trying to control it, but I don’t think it’s helping. I’m curious whether it’s related to my depression (since I generally feel very happy while drunk), or if I’m just starting to develop a dependency.

I’ve been going to the library after work as much as I can, and I do feel genuinely good when I go there and study. I want to find a new job, but the one industry I want to stay in is the craft beer industry, since I feel like it’s a great industry to be in right now (they’re going to need IT people in five years, guarantee).

CTB hasn’t played together in about a year, though drummer and I have played two shows so far as a bass-and-drum punk band.

I don’t know where I’d go at this point, work wise. I just feel so technically unsavvy in whatever I do, that I feel like I’d be a drain at any company that I’d work at. I’m trying to make myself better, but today I feel like I didn’t accomplish much. I knew at the library that I was leaving early, but I kind of didn’t stop myself.

I remember the music that played while I was driving home Saturday... Surely I couldn’t have been that bad?

And with the recent riots in Baltimore, it seems like both sides have valid points. Which is good, nothing is ever black and white, but if I believe that all of the looters are black (which I doubt seriously that all of them are black), I’m a member of Stormfront (and wouldn’t my Asian girlfriend find that funny). If I feel the opposite (that the media is spinning it, which I have no doubt), I feel like I’m siding with a people that hate me for who I am, and will never give me a chance to redeem myself because of who I am.

But at the same time, it seems like each side is lying to a certain extent in an effort to demonize the enemy.

Does everything have to be a racial issue today? Is that the story we’re selling?

Can I move to a different country and escape this bullshit? Or do I just have to outright kill myself?

I’m still getting used to the “job” thing. I have a phone interview with somewhere else tomorrow but it’s a matter of “Would I take it, if offered?” It means a bunch more responsibility but possibly better pay. Granted, that last part is like 40% of the reason I’d take it. But that’s another thing entirely.

I spoke with my one friend last night who’s been really trying to find himself and where he belongs. And by “really trying” I mean “super stagnant”. He’s stuck in a house where his parents expect him to be everything and more, where they simultaneously want him out and want him to stay... And this morning I woke up with the scary thought that he is going to kill himself. Like, I just can’t shake it at this point.

I was basically about to cry during work. It’s a weird feeling.

The band is kind of over, but I’m less sobby about it now. It just seems like natural progression and my drummer and I are starting a new one anyway. Or at least attempting to. Would be nice.

The record is done and sounds pretty good. I obviously nit-pick the fuck out of it, but that’s all.

I just can’t get over the fear that this is it, this is all that life amounts to. Your friends growing up (and some not) and all drifting away because of adulthood. You have your happy memories and that’s it.

Tonight on the ride home my girlfriend and I got into an argument. It was about my past, something dumb I said to her while drunk that came back to haunt me. And at the end of it, when she was crying and I was angry, I said some things that I really truly meant. It was about a two minute tirade (wrong word, but it will do) of how much I loved and cared for her.

And honestly, after saying it, I had a huge lump in my chest because, honestly, I meant every word. And it's terrifying to think that I've met someone who I connect with like that, and someone who I'm content with. Forever.

It's nice. I feel happy. And at the same time, I want to be more creative. Because I feel like if I let that creative part of me die, there's no getting it back. I want to write books, lyrics, music, anything. The train ride in sucks, but it has been great for letting me read and I've been feeling more inspired as of late.

And I'm just really upset with myself. I drive buzzed occasionally, but last night I was "my friend won't get in the car with me" drunk. And I think he's upset with me (he did have to walk home).

I'm just really pissed I made such a stupid decision. Luckily it was late enough to where there were no people on the road, but still. I shouldn't have done that. 

But I probably just have a mild case or something. Everything about my depression seems like "it's not that bad". The only thing I've been having trouble with is finding a full time job where I don't want to hold a gun to my head all day.

I think at this point, I kind of just want to run. Break up with my girlfriend, leave my personal belongings behind (except for my guitar, since that's probably how I'd make my money), take a train to a different city and just earn my living as a busker. 

But maybe I will, and include beer and video games and stuff.

Maybe Boston?

Like, I'd leave a note saying "I'll be back in a month, don't worry."

I've got no tags, and I can't remember where I stay, so it's not as easy as just pulling me out of the woods.

I'm so afraid that I'll find the path and continue the wrong way, or that I'll just never find the right path, that I've decided to stand right here, in the same spot.

Maybe forever. But I'd prefer to move.

I've been refusing most help since I see it pointless, and I don't think God can hear me out here, so I've been stuck.

I'm just confused on what my next move should be.

I know all of the moves I plan to take after, every branching pathway with each branching decision.

I just don't know which first step is the right one.