I still remember I have this occasionally (I do find it funny that the last three of my posts have started with “I should update this more.”)
I feel like my drinking is starting to spiral out of control. Case in point, I lost my last job (though unrelated to drinking, mostly via a stupid email), and am now working at a brewery. And while the people there seem a lot... I feel like “worse” is too mean a word, but it gets the point across... fine, worse than me, it still doesn’t help the fact that in the last few months, I’ve made a slew of bad decisions when it comes to drinking and operating an automobile. It’s been one-and-a-half in the last month alone.Â
Three weeks ago, I got in my car after a party, and I don’t really remember the ride home (it’s really fuzzy, I have a general idea). I remember getting home and freaking out, then the shame the next day.
This past weekend, I went to a beer hall with a few friends and, while I remember parts of the ride (such as the fact that I got lost and my friend was unconscious in the backseat), it’s not super clear. This one, I’m not sure if I should be worried by, because I do have a general idea of the ride, but I’m not 100% certain. It has been two days, so maybe it’s just part of that has eroded.
I feel myself being more depressed as of late. I can’t really remember if I was more depressed at my old job or my new one. This one, I feel like I’m not being utilized properly. In the last month, it’s been very slow and I feel like crap having to constantly ask for work to do.Â
I’ve also severely injured myself twice and I feel like a lot of my coworkers dislike me for it, and also probably just for being me.
I’m trying to control it, but I don’t think it’s helping. I’m curious whether it’s related to my depression (since I generally feel very happy while drunk), or if I’m just starting to develop a dependency.
I’ve been going to the library after work as much as I can, and I do feel genuinely good when I go there and study. I want to find a new job, but the one industry I want to stay in is the craft beer industry, since I feel like it’s a great industry to be in right now (they’re going to need IT people in five years, guarantee).
CTB hasn’t played together in about a year, though drummer and I have played two shows so far as a bass-and-drum punk band.
I don’t know where I’d go at this point, work wise. I just feel so technically unsavvy in whatever I do, that I feel like I’d be a drain at any company that I’d work at. I’m trying to make myself better, but today I feel like I didn’t accomplish much. I knew at the library that I was leaving early, but I kind of didn’t stop myself.
I remember the music that played while I was driving home Saturday... Surely I couldn’t have been that bad?
I think I’ll buy a breathalyzer.