Cellar Door

Davies is absolutely amazing and I’m pretty sure I’m in a coma or dead and this is all an illusion. 

I’ve felt this strongly for people before but never so quickly. I’ve never been so sure before so soon. I feel 110% comfortable around him no matter what we’re doing, when, or where. Straight from work, freshly showered, in public, behind closed doors, around his friends and brother.....

He’s showed me nothing but consistent affection and thoughtfulness. He’s woken up before my alarms to make me breakfast, tea, and pack my lunch for work in the morning almost every day since I’ve been staying with him. (I insisted he sleep in 2 days so far even though he fought it)

He brings me snacks, and has bought me things that I mention in passing. He comes along with me to run errands, I can talk about my full day and go on about my kids and stupid little things and he actually listens and is involved in the conversation. There’s so many things....

Little things he does make me so happy. There’s so much we do similarly that are important things and I just honestly feel so right about this whole thing.

We’ve joked about a Vegas wedding or something but honestly...honestly...if I had to marry someone right now or if he actually asked me for real I would say yes. Without hesitation. And I know it sounds really stupid because we’ve only known each other for 3 months but this is so different from anything I’ve experienced before. 

I’ve been with people who make me happy and I can see a future with but this is a different kind of assurance. It’s not just about imagining a cute family and house with someone. I can actually feel that this is different. That this has real promise and there’s no doubts, no “haha jk” kind of thoughts after joking about going to a courthouse. And I’ve been around the block enough times and have been hurt in almost every way possible so I’d like to think I’d know if this was the real thing. 

I’ve talked to other people about how they knew they met the person they were going to marry...how they knew, what they felt...I’ve heard the usual response mostly: I just knew! Which isn’t really helpful...but I can also kinda get it? But like...what do they meeean?? I’ve also heard things like: They leave things around the house/do other annoying thing, but you just have to learn what you want to deal with. Which I’ve always felt sounded weird.....you want to marry this person because they’re annoying things aren’t THAT annoying so I guess you’ll deal with it? Eh. I want to marry someone who’s “annoying” things I don’t even see as “annoying”. Example...Davies has apologized a million times for his ADD ticks (wiggling, toe movements, tapping, bouncing, humming etc) because other people have found it annoying and told him to stop. I absolutely love them. To me they’re the most natural sign from him that he’s happy and expressing himself and I’ve begged him to never stop and always feel free to do whatever he feel like he needs to do and never hold back or think that I’m going to judge him or like him any less for doing so. 

I was bringing one of the insiders home the night before last from Dominos and she started rambling and part of it was about Davies. She was talking about how she likes the idea of us and stuff but then she said there was something that happened that she shouldn’t tell me but did anyway.

So, what happened was that before I started working regularly at the store again (after my haitus) Davies had a “thing” with another employee. Apparently (I brought it up to him) it was one night, they “hung out” and he attempted to contact her afterwards and she never responded. So there’s nothing there now and hasn’t been for about 4 months now. They still work together from time to time but I see no weirdness or anything to worry about. 

I was kind of shaken up about it when talking to him at first and he took notice and said many reassuring words and also said that at the end of the day he knows words can be meaningless so he will show me with his actions as well that I have absolutely nothing to worry about. 

A lot has happened in the past couple months...all at once.

I realized I was unhappy in my relationship with Andrew...met a man named Davies...I’m moving to my own apartment again in a few weeks. 

I’m excited to live on my own again. 

And it happened fast, but Davies is this weird light in my life right now. And I’m honestly not sure about everything. I know I’m the stupid romantic person who wears rose colored glasses all the time so I’m suspicious about this whole situation. 

Davies seems wonderful. He’s sweet, thoughtful, selfless, funny, smart, clean, caring, weird...the one and only red flag so far is that his sense of humor, which is similar to mine, can get a little offensive to people with some derogatory words he uses. He says he only says them around other people who wouldn't get their feelings hurt because that’s the last thing he wants to do is hurt anyone. He just wants to make people happy and laugh. I believe him and he’s proven his claims so far. 

Other things about Davies...

He’s a 6 ft tall, red head who is working to become a Middle School teacher. He’s subbed in the past and wants to pursue it. He’s currently working at Domino’s (how we met) driving to save up money as a cushion for when he goes back to school. He’s got an associates degree in business so far. He has ADD, he’s very clean and has routines. We watch a lot of the same shows, and have some similarities with music, but he also likes to listen to death metal. He currently lives with his brother and 2 other room mates. His brother Leo is nice, and so is his friend James from what I’ve experienced. His other room mate Burger lives in the basement and seldom comes out so I haven’t gotten to know him too well yet. Davies is 30 years old, birthday December 23rd. He loves physical affection, but feel bad about receiving gifts because he usually doesn’t remember to get things for other people. He’s gotten me a few gifts though so maybe it depends on the situation and person? He plays either DND or WOW weekly but I honestly don’t remember which...he has a medical marijuana card so he smokes pretty regularly but he’s never seemed high to me. He’s always very coherent and lively. He wants to adopt and foster kids like I do which is nice...and has told me he looks forward to us both going back to school so we can support and help each other. 

It just ended up being a lot to handle. 

I broke up with Andrew on January 4th. 

Moved out on January 29th.

At the end of the day, with all things considered, good and bad....I just didn’t see a viable future with him where I was truly happy. Now...not to say I’ll be any happier alone or if I try with someone else but I knew I wouldn’t be happy in that situation either. 

It was hard. As much as I thought I gave hints and brought things up to him he still didn’t see it coming. The weeks in the house after were a roller coaster. Thankfully we worked similar shifts so we didn’t see much of each other. But when we did he would either glare, snap at me, or we’d actually be able to talk to one another for a few minutes about our days. 

Saying goodbye yesterday was the hardest. It all kind of hit me at once.

The days are the same....some good but I’m noticing that they are outnumbered by the bad. He snaps, gets offensive, glares....he accused me of lying today. I also found out that he’s been talking to both Nick and Harrison about possibly leaving me. I’m still unsure exactly why. But I’m sure it has something to do with my polar opposite personality. Always cheerful, seeking out the best in people and situations. 

He’s gotten much darker lately. It’s been a slow progression. He gets nasty sometimes when he drinks...not really bad but he snapped at neighbors who had only lived next door for 2 days because they parked in front of their own house. He yelled about them being hispanic and then yelled at me for avoiding the conflict that I didn’t want to begin with. 

Since I gave any updates about things...and it’s about that time...

Some days are great, laughing, and cuddles, and smiling...

and some days are almost the exact opposite...and I’m unsure which one occurs more often sometimes...maybe I’m just feeling this way because today was one of those days...

Today is Monday...on Friday I mentioned that it was the last day of school for the kids but I still had to go in today, Monday. This morning my alarm goes off and I start getting ready for the day...since we’re both sharing a car we have to leave at a certain time for me to drop him off at work and then for me to also get to work on time. No matter what time I wake up, no matter how nicely, and gently I wake him, he snaps at me almost every morning. As if I’m the awful being who is waking him for no reason at all. 

Today, I wake up and after about 15 mins of getting ready I quietly see if he’s awake, saying something like “Honey...?” and he just grumbles and turns over. I figure I’ll give him a few extra minutes and then instead of talking to him again, I let him know that I’m turning on the light to finish getting ready and he covers his face. 5-10 minutes go by and I come back up stairs and turn off the air conditioner as another gentle way to wake him. He immediately grumbles and snaps at me, saying how he sees no reason for to get up when he doesn't have to be there until 9am. He then demands that I turn the AC back on, so I do, I also turn off the light and go straight downstairs. I figure, fine. If he wants to wait till the last possible second to leave then fine. So, I wait. And I go back up when I have to leave and tell him I’m leaving so I’m not late for work. He immediately snapped again saying he didn’t know I had work, and then “fine”. So I left.

Around noon he messages me saying simply that he’ll be getting an Uber home today. So I leave it at that. I finish work and then go out for drinks with a co worker and I visited Goodwill after and I get a call form him. He asks if I’m still at work and I say no (It’s 6:30 by this point), and I ask what’s up and he says “What do you mean what’s up?! I’m locked out of the house!” to which I ask how I was supposed to know that and said I’d be home soon. We hang up then, I arrive home and he’s on the porch drinking and doesn’t say a word, and neither do I. Once I’m inside he avoids me until he takes a shower and goes into the bedroom and closes the door. 

Here I am at 10pm, still alone in the living room. and I haven’t decided if I’m going to sleep upstairs or not.....I’d rather sleep alone on the couch then get the cold shoulder all night and morning and get snapped at. 

The point of me writing this is that I have been having thoughts lately, in the past month or so....doubts....I’m not as sure of any of this as I once was. Is this my future? He gets upset over simple things and then when everything's fine he acts like I’m upset at him for something...it’s unpredictable too...I don’t know what will set him off, how or when....

I’d understand if I was manipulative or unkind...but I know that I’m a really good partner. The night before this he asked me to drive into Baltimore at 10:30 at night to bring him stuff to work and I did it without hesitation. If he’s sick I drop everything and take care of him, if he’s overwhelmed I help out around the house with dishes or mowing the lawn, his family is wonderful and loves me, his friends are great and like me too, His daughter and I get along famously, and I even keep things civil with Lyla’s mother. I take care of his cat, and clean up after him around the house. I hold him when he cries, talk to him about his feelings and about stresses....

It took 10 days. We were using measuring spoons as utensils...

And he’s finally begun washing the dishes. 

In other news, he’s been more sensitive and irritable lately. Whenever I gently remind him of something he forgot to do he snaps at me, and says things like he doesn’t want to date a “mother’. Some things I can see how he could perceive it that way even though I’m just trying to help..but lately it’s every other time I speak...so I’m backing off. In a lot of ways. 

I’m not going to ask him to do anything anymore. No favors, no reminders,...I’m even limiting small talk, because lately that kind of thing annoys him too. I’m going to make myself busy and stay out of his way. 

He never sleeps next to me anymore....last night I asked him to please come sleep with me tonight, and even explained that I needed the extra love right now and he said he would and of course, never showed. 

For the first time in 2 1/2 years, I am truly, deeply upset with Andrew. 

So I calmly, talked to him. And now I’m more upset about it than before. 

Let’s start from the beginning. Andrew isn’t the cleanest person ever, and that’s okay. That’s to be expected because no one is super clean all the time. That’s unreasonable to expect from anyone. What isn’t unreasonable to expect from someone is that they at the very least clean up after themselves. 

I got a ride home from a co-worker yesterday since I’ve been letting Andrew share my car after his car died...2 months ago? Anyway, She hadn’t seen the house yet and wanted to come in. Assuming it was at least in a similar state that I left it in that morning, I obliged. What initially upset me was the fact that there was trash on the floor in the living room, dirty dishes covering the kitchen counter along with food that was left out, and not one but two pairs of dirty underwear was left in the basement and bathroom. So, needless to say, it was an embarrassing tour full of apologies. 

I clean up the mess after she leaves and I didn’t bring it up until this morning because Andrew had to work late last night and he seemed off when we spoke on the phone...being surrounded by death and all at a hospice center. I brought it up gently, and merely requested a favor of him...to please clean up after himself because of what happened the day before. 

And as I expected from every other time I have brought something up to him, he got defensive. It continued for a bit and ended with him saying it wasn’t his fault that I was embarrassed. He was sorry that I was but it wasn’t his fault because: “I didn’t know you were going to bring someone in here”. It wasn’t his fault because this is his house. His underwear were in 2 rooms no one should ever go into.(Forgetting apparently that every time he’s given a tour he’s always excited to showcase the basement because of all the grand plans he has for it this spring.) Also, he stated that our house isn’t as bad as other peoples houses. But, he cleared stuff off of the bathroom sink yesterday, so he DID do SOMETHING. He was late for work, and that’s why. That’s why this is the...I’ve lost count...10th? 20th time he’s left the house a mess for me to come home to? But of course, he doesn’t do it because he expects me to clean it up. Which I know. 

He does it because he knows I’m going to clean it up. Eventually. Eventually I will clean it up. 

As I expected, he got defensive and projected it onto me. I shouldn’t have brought her in here. I shouldn’t have talked to him about it in the way that I did. I should have said something in passing. It would have been better if I told him last night, on the phone, after he told me he had to work late, after he found out that I wouldn’t be able to work my second job because he had my car, after I figured he was having a rough day and had a long night ahead of him working hospice and having 2 people already die that night. That’s when I was supposed to “in passing” let him know that my co-worker saw trash, dirty dishes, left out food, and 2 pairs of his dirty underwear in our home. 

......

So...my response? Besides small comments and answers to his rhetorical questions is to do nothing. I toyed with the idea of doing the same as him...start leaving my trash on the floor, leave out food and all the dishes I’ve used to cook on the stove and counters like he does. Leave clean (not actually dirty) underwear around the house for him friends, and co-workers to see when they will inevitably come by for a surprise visit. Hell, sometimes Logan visits without warning multiple times a week because he’s in the area. 

But...I won’t do that. I am an adult. And as an adult I will continue to clean up after myself. But besides that I will do nothing. I will no longer clean up after him. I’ve done this once before...I think it lasted a week before I broke. But not this time. I’m back at work so I’m not home all the time to look at it, so it won’t bother me as much. I will never invite anyone over for the foreseeable future, and I will say it is because I don’t know what the house looks like since I haven’t been home all day and it’s probably a mess because the person I live with doesn’t see a reason to clean up after himself in his own home. But man....I can’t wait for his buddies, Rachel, or better yet the attractive neighbor across the street-Valerie to pop in unannounced....because she does that sometimes. I can’t. Fucking. Wait. 

I meant to jot this moment down a few weeks ago, when it happened but forgot. 

So, Andrew and I went to Harrison/Laura’s for dinner one night about a month ago. At some point during the night when the guys were outside and Laura and I were inside, she pulled me aside and excitedly asked “Can I tell you a secret?!”. Assuming it was something about her and Harrison she was excited to tell me about, I said sure. She then proceeded to inform me that at the end of the summer, while I was in NY this past year, Andrew had come over to their house for dinner. That evening they apparently discussed him proposing to me. Seriously. That’s what Laura claims. That they were talking about rings and he had one picked out and his plan was to wait till I came home at the end of August and present me with the keys to our townhome and a ring. 

I’m still not sure if I believe it. For a couple reasons.

Mostly because there’s been to signs or signals that he’s been in that mindset at all in the past year. He’s said in the past a couple cute/flirty lines like “what kind of ring do you want?” and fake proposing while we walked through the city one night...but again that was 1 1/2 years ago, and nothing related has been brought up since. Like he dropped the idea completely. 

And then now...to think that this was apparently talked about in great detail and certainty in, say June/July and for August to come and go, and now here we are almost 7 months later and there be nothing? 

...?

...I can’t help but feel like something happened. Like, I did something that summer, not even being in MD, that made him change his mind. Or while I was gone he decided for some other reason that he no longer wanted to go through with it. 

I honestly wish she hadn’t told me. I have cried so much because if this information. I am so confused and conflicted within myself. And then nights like last night and many nights lately, he’s been sleeping on the couch (”accidently” while watching tv) but makes no real, true attempts to come be with me at night. 

I don’t know....like I said...I’m conflicted, Because there’s also the less emotional side of me that’s trying to rationalize and make sense of it all. I mean, he did go into a depressive episode (BP) around September, so maybe he felt that about to happen and didn’t want to ruin things...or he decided his job wasn’t good enough at the time and he wanted to make sure If he proposed that he had something worth while to offer (as traditional as he is sometimes, it makes sense). 

But I can’t ever bring it up to him..........he won’t trust Harrison/Laura anymore, and then he might rethink the whole thing if he hasn’t completely decided against it yet...

...sad...

It’s kind of hard to explain in words why that is...

Part of my thinks, and knows it’s directly linked to my depression and my current hormone levels...

But it’s been, for a lack of better words...”triggered” by recent events.

I’m trying to think when it started....soon after I came back from a trip I took with my family. A trip that was more of a headache than relaxing unfortunately. 

I came back about a week before Christmas. A holiday that I know isn’t held to high regard to Andrew, which we’ve past discussed. (We’ve also already talked about this while event...kind of...) Long story short, I personally care about Christmas...not in a crazy way but as a general holiday that ahs been celebrated to one extent or another throughout my life. Anyway, my expressions of interest for a tree and for us to have a nice first Christmas living together seemed to fall by the wayside. I finally broke and we ended up getting a fake tree off the floor at Walmart (they were out of boxed ones) 2 days before Christmas. As grateful as I was to have a tree at all at that point, it seemed more like it was there out of guilt and reluctance. I was in tears all up until we got in the car to go find one. 

We decorated it the night following and that was that. I placed the gifts I had already wrapped under the tree, and filled Andrew and Lyla’s stockings with small dollar store finds the next day. At this point, early in the month, Lyla expressed interest in a simple gift. A heated blanket. Which made Christmas that much easier on us because we didn’t have to go hunting and guessing for a gift for her. In an attempt to make things even easier, I added that I too would enjoy receiving one when Andrew asked what to get Lyla. He seemed relieved. Fast forward to Christmas Eve. Nearly a month has passed and all has been put on a back burner once again. Not to mention that the gifts were brought up by him in the weeks prior and would even be wrapped! It’s the thought and effort of the thing that counts. I looked forward to it. Knowing what it was didn’t make it any less special. I ended up having to purchase Lyla’s blanket the evening of Christmas Eve with his card while he was at work that night. I let it go.

Christmas has come and gone now, I won’t be receiving anything, which again, the physical item itself isn’t what’s important. It’s the feeling of being pushed aside...forgotten...unimportant....those feelings are what hurts. 

I’m writing this today because it’s still hurting. Days after. We went to use a gift card Lyla received from Andrew from her birthday. While in the store he saw an item, that he decided he would get her in addition. It is not about the item. It is not about Lyla. I appreciate that he showers her with gifts and love. 

What hurts is that he claims to not know what to get me for gifts, or another excuse is brought up...the effort is never put in towards me, or anyone else for that matter. Again...again....I am truly happy the effort is put into his daughter. 

I would also appreciate some effort put towards me as well. And I feel less than because of it. Underappreciated. Looked over. 

I’m going to talk to him about it...maybe talking in the past could have helped me avoid some bullshit I went through...

I’m really trying here. 

I’m so tired, but every time I close my eyes I cry. 

Come to think of it...I don’t even know if he has his phone on him...

If her boyfriend is out there with them I’ll feel better about it. 

Back again.

I got through my other weird anxiety episode. Andrew and I have been living together for 2 months now. Everything’s fine....

Except I’m not sure if my brain is trying to sabotage things for me or if these are real, logical worries that I’m having. 

Andrew and I have completely different schedules. He comes home between 12:30-1am every night after work. Tonight was the same. But instead of settling down, saying hi to me, grabbing a beer and relaxing on the couch till he gets tired, he left. 

He came home around 12:30am, came upstairs where I was laying down (not yet asleep), and started changing his clothes, saying that Valerie from next door invited him over. This isn’t the part that I’m upset over. They’ve already bonded over being night owls together and knowing a lot of the same people in bands and sharing musical interests....which is all well and good...but...It’s currently 4am. He got dressed, grabbed a bottle of liquor and barely said hello to me. He came back in once around 2:30 to grab another bottle of liquor; assumedly because they finished the last. It’s 3:52am. 

I told myself not to make any moves until 4am on the dot. That seems like a reasonable time for someone to be home with their loved ones, right? And it’s not a jealousy thing...honest it’s not...I trust Andrew. Now, I don’t know if I trust Valerie yet....and I’ve been through very eerily similar situations and I let it go and never addressed it and it ended with me being cheated on. 

I don’t think anything is happening tonight between them. My worries stem from their connection with music, which can be a very intimate thing to bond with another person over, and something I have no real connection with him. And that as my past experiences have shown me, it always starts innocent. It’s always just hanging out, until it becomes more often, every night, till the wee hours of the morning...and as they say...

and I’m a little inebriated.

It’s been a few months since I wrote on here. Not much has happened...I worked at Stewart’s for a little bit and have been watching Melanie’s daughter, Emily a couple days a week.

Other than that, Andrew knows a guy, who knows a guy who was renting a town home in Arbutus and he decided to go for it. It seems nice enough so I also agreed.  And it honestly does seem nice enough...but I’m freaking out. I have been for about 2 weeks now, slowly, and it’s starting to build up. I haven’t been sleeping, and when I can sleep I have nightmares about break ins or my car tires popping....

I figured I’d have some anxiety about the whole thing because this is the 3rd. 3rd time I’ve decided to move in with someone else. It failed the other 2 times...

But this time is different. I don’t ahve the same anxieties...theres no red flags, and theres not a voice telling me that this isn’t the wrong person...

Instead half of me is wondering if I’m good enough for Andrew...to handle his Bipolar episodes, and if I can be enough for him. Being with me alone has proven to be hard enough on many people in the past...but now I don’t know if I am the right person to make Andrew truly happy, like he deserves

And the other side of me is freaking out because I have absolutely no control over this situation. I can’t help move, I haven’t seen the place in person...I can’t even suggest which direction the couch should face, or which bedroom will be for what....I feel useless and powerless in a situation that involves a home that should be mine and Andrews. He keeps telling me not to worry about everything, and that everything will be done hen I get home but I hate this feeling. I’m helpless....both in the meaning that I can’t be there to help them with this stuff and I’m also without the ability to help myself

Andrews phones dead and I can’t call him to talk about this

I did some stuff for work this morning and now I’m getting ready for Stewarts later today...