Whirlpool of Emotions

But in reality I’m like a duck (looks calm and collected on the surface, but going like mad underneather)

Everything starting to get harder again and it’s just like a roller coaster and to be honest I want off the ride of life. I want this all to end, I haven’t my depression, anxiety, paranoia, constant fear, mood swing and anorexic thoughts to just fucking stop. I want it all to stop. I feel like since being discharged I’ve just been on self destruct, doing stuff to hurt myself and make myself feel even worse.

Everyday I feel like I’m gaining weight second by second inch by inch and it’s fucking scary, I’m struggling so much and don’t want to admit it because I don’t want to let my family down. And I’m still eating what I should be and I don’t want too but then part of me wants too and that makes me feel even moe guilty than hurting myself, hurting my family and nearly dying from being under weight with bradycardia to the point my heart is on the verge of stopping.

But I miss being under weight, I miss people being scared for my life . I miss people thinking I’m going to die from being so tiny. And I miss being is Hospital and I hate admitting that

So I would to know why it is so hard to eat food without feeling guilty. I make sure I don’t eat over 400 calories a day whilst I’m waiting for therapy and dietian. Everyone just seems to think its easy to recover when my brain is telling me I’ve eaten too much and I shouldn’t eat anymore. 

It’s hard being exhausted all the time and pushing my body to extreme limits like low calories and high exercise. I’m struggling but to everyone anorexia is easier to get over by just eating.

I don’t know what to eat I have no cravings and I would genuinely rather be hunger than full because if I’m full that means I’m fat and greedy.

It's a kinda win but the anxiety about it has me so freaked out!