hands all over

Yellow

being an older sibling is like. you've never known a life without me. mom yelled at me and it taught her she never wanted to yell at you. I painted my room purple and grey and then you did too. we live in the same house but I haven't spoken to you in months. I don't know your favorite color. I saw it was going to rain so I picked you up from school on my way home so your books wouldn't get wet. i was so worried when you woke up sick when you were three. you don't remember being sick. mom and dad made their worst mistakes with me and I'm glad they didn't make them with you. I'm doing everything for the first time so you won't be in the dark. I don't know any of your friend's names anymore. I used to know them all. if something happens to mom and dad you won't have to worry because everything will fall to me. you don't like to be home alone but even if you don't see me just knowing I'm there makes you feel better. at least that's what mom told me. you still give me jars to open for you because you can't quite get them. I only see you during dinner. i'd never even think about missing one of your concerts. I stand at the counter when I eat and now you do, too. when offered a selection of books you picked the same one I did when i was your age. I'm terrified you compare yourself to me. I love you. I don't know if you like me. I want you to. mom says dinner's ready

being the first born is like you've never known a life before you. you are your parents first experience. you were taught the way your parents were taught. you eventually learned to normalise it because this is your first experience living too, and you thought what they did was normal. just like the number, youre expected to be no. 1 in everything. you are like a trophy: your mother is proud of you because this is her first time being a mother, and you being no. 1 felt like an award to her. and then your siblings arrived. youre expected to be a role model despite being only 7. you have to share your toys even though youre not done with it yet because they think youre bigger and old enough to play with it. you cannot show negative emotions because your siblings would copy it and the house would end up in chaos. youre watching your siblings getting taken care of with tenderness while remembering getting scolded for the same mistake. it feels like you're witnessing two different worlds. youve learned to endure pain and hold everything together silently because youre afraid your mother would be mad at you and your dad didnt care enough. you learned unfairness. you tried to justify it. you learned how to live by copying other people. when you turned 20, your parents slowly making you the chief in taking care of the house because theyre getting old and tired. youre expected to be the light for your siblings when youre still searching for lights at the end of the dark tunnel. you cannot complain because they had it harder. and then you and your siblings have separated lives. theyre still seeking for your advices because youre your parents' long hand. youre a leader, a protector, and a provider. you learned how to take a breath in the tunnel.