Imperfect Polyamorous Princess

1. Make eye contact. Throw small glances and catch the eye of the person you’re interested in. Hold their gaze briefly, then smile and look away.

2. Smile at the person. To be most effective, smile slowly (rather than grinning widely), and crinkle your eyes. That kind of smile is more genuine and appealing.

3. Talk to them. You don’t have to commit to a full conversation but at least say “hello” and acknowledge their existence!

4. Initiate a conversation with them (one step on from point 3). Think of easy ways to get a conversation going. In many ways the topic isn’t so significant. You just want to talk to them, and try and pique their interest. General guidelines are … ask a neutral question; try and find some areas of common interest; gauge their response before showing more interest; and keep things light and impersonal.

5. Make use of body language. Non-verbal cues can say a lot more than the actual words you speak. Some pointers to remember include: maintain an open stance (don’t cross your arms or legs); turn your body toward them; casually touch them (for example, hold their hand to help you balance when you’re getting up from your seat.)

6. Compliment them (but don’t get too personal yet).

So this past Wednesday night felt like my first true test with D (my current long term partner) with jealousy after a ‘date’ of mine with my friend and love interest whom I’ll call Piglet. I use air quotes around 'date’ because it always has that feel to me but we haven’t talked about it yet. She is new to understanding polyamory/nonmonogamy after I came out to her. She’s kind of relationship avoidant too, so that combined with my own fear of making things awkward and giving her space to grieve a family loss… It’s all moving slowly. Either we are and could remain emotionally close friends with great chemistry even if we don’t talk often… Or maybe it can develop into something more.

Anyhow, D gave her seal of approval to an impromptu night of drinks with Piglet, especially knowing how rarely I get to see her. I was beaming with excitement even though I did feel bad to ask to be excused from some plans we had that night (not a date or anything major but still, time together). Sharing what didn’t use to be shared like that is new for us. As the night progressed (ultimately about 3 hours with Piglet at the brewery, though only one drink each), D told me she was filled was thoughts of what we were doing together (kissing, going back to her place, etc).

I should say, Piglet is an excellent communicator who would be an amazingly respectful metamour to D. They know and like each other. It could work really well. Just hasn’t gone there yet. I now realize that with Piglet’s relationship avoidance, it crystallized for me just how I’ll have to be the one to initiate and invite her to something more. That’s scary but at least that’s now clear. Timing and courage are the two biggest factors.

My largest challenge last night was facing D’s upset upon my return. Started as simmering quiet anger but dropped quickly to vulnerability as she shared her fears. It was tempting, in my good ol codependent way that I learned growing up, to take whatever blame, feel guilty, apologize, accommodate and appease her emotion. Instead, I quietly listened while maintaining physical contact to support and kept my head about me. I wasn’t to blame in this. I didn’t need to fall on my sword. It was 'just’ the growing pains of polyamory and facing NRE. This isn’t exactly a 'new’ relationship but new in that it was my first alone time with Piglet since coming out, so the potential is felt differently now.

Moving forward, I’m not sure how much to be that support to D after a date because that is hard on me. I want to be able to enjoy that time and not have to immediately help D recover. At some point, yes, but right after is hard. I’m not sure what the guidance is on that. For her part, D owned her shit. For my part, I didn’t succumb to codependency and let her own it while supporting her emotionally. That was a big step for me actually.

I will say, I loved Piglet calling me Pooh. Hearing it felt special. Having pet names for each other (the meaning of which came out of a post she made and my response) seems like another little step closer. It’s strange to not want to force this onto some kind of relationship escalator that has to get to a certain level yet I do acknowledge wanting more. Her love languages are physical touch and quality time. My primary is quality time and we absolutely have that when we’re together. And lately I’ve been wanting that physical closeness, more nonsexual like longer hugs, cuddling together, and yes, maybe sex at some stage but that’s not the main desire right now.

I’m very proud of D and grateful for her as we journey together and open up our relationship to seeing others as well. Particularly at a time of great need for security with me, she is still willing to put in the hard work in facing her insecurities. I can only hope to be similarly courageous and ethical when it comes time for her to go on a date.

In regards to your post above, I can so relate to D's upset feelings when you returned. I deal with this with my husband and it can be really difficult, especially when you just want to enjoy the highs of this wonderful, new relationship. I guess I can’t truly understand what is going through his head because the shoe has never been on the opposite foot. I want him to enjoy other people and other pursuits, but he doesn’t feel comfortable doing that yet.

Mark Twain, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (via minuty)