"Happiness is two kinds of ice cream"

I saw his post and thought he was probably going through something tough So when he said he was coming over, I started making plans, hoping that maybe, in some small way, I could help him feel a little better.

I didn't want to ask what was wrong. The last time I asked why he had suddenly abandoned my text, he told me he felt annoyed by how much I texted. Deep down, I knew it’s becaude he’d reconnected with someone who could offer him the kind of happiness I couldn’t…

I cried coz it hurts. But I forces myself to make peace with it.

So today when he told me he’d come but he didn’t I am left feeling dissapointed. More than that, I was sad.

I miss everything about him. The random conversations, the books we'd talk about, our chess games, coffee runs, late night netflix movies, and even his good taste in perfumes.

Sometimes I wish I could tell my friends about all this confusion and sadness I am experiencing and how do I get over it... But I know that if I did, they would judge him, and that's not what I want. I don't want them to see him differently just because I'm hurting.

To this day, I still don't understand why I can't stop loving him in silence. If it had been anyone else, I would have let them go and stop caring a long time ago. But with him, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much he hurts me, I am still holding on, still hoping that he would see me the way I see him. Still hoping that this feelings can be reciprocated.

Soon, we'll be living in two different states, and the thought of being completely on my own hits a little harder than I'd like to admit…

Atta gurl. ✨ ma Boo lily is lillying heh. 🩷

So weird that my brain keep reasoning why he lied. People who construct versions of themselves through lies usually learned somewhere along the way the truth of who they are, was probably not safe to show, I guess? That does not make it okay for him to lie. But then that’s human.

I was angry and confused and it took me several days to process things through. It interferes with my work and mood because my brain is trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. It keeps turning over looking for answers that makes it all make sense. And it cannot find one because all the pieces does not fit. Yeah I am stupid like that.

When my anger subsides, I felt sad because I fail to make him feel safe. I am sad because I was never his safe place. Journaling this emotion sometimes confuses me too. Am I dumb for still loving the same person? for still hoping it would work out? for still believing that there is still good in him regardless of how much he hurts me? betrayed me? insulted me?

Sometime some part of me misses the arguments. I wish we could yell at each other, said everything we were too scared to say, and then found our way back to each other after. And everything will be restored. We could probably have a good relationship. God, I really miss him.

I recently experience the ultimate betrayal from him…it hurts. Gotten the best out of me. That was 2 weeks before my orientation day at the new workplace. I had to beg for God’s mercy to help me out. And thankfully enough he did help.

I was so down I even texted his ex asking how do I forget him like she have…how have she moved on? Because I am hurting and I wanted to do the same.

Almost every night I made the same duaas, I kept asking if things could be good for the both of us. If God fould fix our situation because I had fallen for him so hard.

Yet I discovered so many lies after. So many painful truths.

And still…somehow, a part of me still wants to believe that maybe he had his reasons. Maybe that’s what love does, it makes you hold onto someone’s side of the story even when you’re no longer sure what’s true.

Maybe I loved him so deeply that even after everything, I still trust his words, even if they hurt me. Because I once promised that no matter what happened, I would always have his back.

To this day, I still haven’t stopped loving him. A part of me still hopes he’ll come back, apologize for hurting me, and tell me he misses me too.

Because despite everything… my heart still loves him.

I wish he knew with me he could have been completely transparent. He doesn’t have to put up an act.

I wish he knew I truly love him for who he is. Just him and his fascinating mind.