Of course we don’t always stay up too high. Eventually, we will want to go back down, and then experience the lows before we stabilize back to a moderate level.
We will always have our ups and downs, I know that. I just can’t help but feel that sometimes I feel guilty for feeling what I am feeling about the situation.
It was as plain and obvious about what the situation was; everyone could clearly see it. I really did not need you to make jokes about how crappy I am as a player. It was already embarrassing enough as it is, so your joke made it a little worse. I didn’t know it would be that big of a deal. Well you’re right, in the grand scheme of things, it really isn’t a big deal at all, but I can’t help but feel this way after it being so fresh. It just hurts.. feels like salt is being involuntarily rubbed into the wound.
To that point, it feels really hard sometimes to feel justified for what I am feeling. Every now and then when we go through a bump in the road, I feel guilty about feeling mad or sad because of what happened only because you feel mad or sad about the situation too. Like.. the situation somehow flips, and it’s not even about me anymore.. it’s about how you feel. Then I come crawling back begging for your apology in hopes everything returns to the way it was.. and what does that leave me? Feelings of invalidation. Prime example: Escape. I had every fucking right to be mad, and you even agreed. That experience was so traumatizing and I was so fucking angry. You tried your best to calm me down even though it wasn’t your fault, but I was just not having it. Any of my actions after that SHOULD feel justified, but it wasn’t... especially by you. Because the moment you felt hopelessness in trying to cheer me up, you got mad and angry at me for not being in a good mood? excuse me? were you shoved into another person triggering a domino effect of “what the fuck get off of me” at an event? That shit was humiliating and embarrassing especially because I could not do a single damn fucking thing. I don’t think you understand how aggravating that was when all I wanted to do was get outside of the crowd. Similar situation tonight: my sadness doesn’t feel justified because you got angry over how you couldn’t cheer me up from a misunderstanding. So now I’m left feeling as if my own feelings don’t matter as much as yours.
I’m also not so much angry at the fact that it happened, but rather you half-heartedly apologized to me for the sake of apologizing (or so it seems). In this situation specifically, if you don’t mean it, don’t say it. Simple. If you are going to apologize, please take it seriously otherwise it feels pretty insulting because I’d rather have silence than a half-ass ‘sorry.’ And that’s what it felt like.. If you didn’t mean it like that, then why’d you say it like that?...
I know I’m being a baby right now, but lately that’s just how I’m feeling about certain situations like these.. where I don’t have a proper opinion or voice about my feelings because they’re too small compared to your emotions.
