tired & tainted, but it's okay

There are flaws, such as when-will-be’s and where-will-we’s. However, given the short span of time we’ve been together, it’s understandable. It should be understandable. We’re starting and growing together little by little. We may not have enough for now, but we’re both striving and working to earn more and gain more... together. It’s mostly been physical right now. It’s irresistible. But i’ll try to keep them shut to experience something pure. Romance. But haven’t I experienced it when staring into his brown orbs? Staring at myself staring at him staring at me? I wonder, did he used to stare that way at previous girls he’d been with? I’m trying to remember how it physically feels when he stares at me that way while wrapped around his arms. But I don’t. They must’ve faded away. Maybe he would stop caressing my back as his vision distracted him. Or maybe he would just keep brushing his fingertips against my spine. I wouldn’t know. Everything else disintegrates during that moment. All I could see was his eyes going from my left to right eye with so much gentleness. Like he was trying to decipher something. What was he thinking? Did he have questions? Doubts? Insecurities? While staring into me? I want to know. There’s instability present, but somehow, I feel a smooth-sailing relationship. A year ago, I wasn’t expecting this. At all. It was all because of that Thursday night in New York.

“I don’t want to get used to this.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want this to be normal.”

“Because I’m worried that the feelings are gone once I get used to this.”

“Well..”

“I’ll still love you even if this becomes normal.”

mini life update:

i didn’t get accepted into my dream university, but i’m transferring to a great university this coming fall.

in about 4 hours, i’m gonna start loading some of my stuff into a uhaul van so we can move them into an apartment i’m gonna be staying at for the next 13 months with 3 other girls.

i quit my fast food job last week, and i got a job at an interior design firm about two months ago.

i found someone who’s always been there since the past year. we look at each other differently now. i have so much feelings for him.

ever since summer, 2017 has been so good to me so far.

bonus: filipino movie, love you to the stars and back, was unexpectedly so damn good. dont fight me on this.

how are things going with you??

1: he's honestly the first ever guy who stands by me even with my imperfections and embarrassing moments, who sees my worth and other things which i don't even see myself, who can just be as deep as i am sometimes. but then i remember how i'm not attracted to him at all and it all fades away. am i shallow? even sees right through me. my insecurities and shit i don't dare tell anyone, he fuckin sees it, i don't know how and i hate him for it. he kinda knows me so well it's kinda trippy.

i don’t know my worth. i don’t know how significant or insignificant i am in this lifetime. but i know for sure i don’t deserve someone who still doesn’t have the courage to act on his spoken feelings when i’ve done and said everything i could to get rid of his insecurities.

2017 started out pretty interesting for me, to say the least. a certain boy let me experience a lot of firsts, and while everything felt comfortable and light with him, i knew that my heart was still capable of beating when the time came. and i couldn’t let it beat for a wrong person, for someone who couldn’t even meet me halfway. so i decided to end things before i was in too deep.

at the same time, i still wonder to this day, what would’ve happened if i waited? if i didn’t “talk” to him? if i just let us do the shallow things we’d been doing? if i didn’t get too serious with him? if i just kept being “chill?”

also, how can someone be willing to be a hoe for a hoe when he can not be a hoe for someone who’s not a hoe?

i don’t think i’ll ever know the answers anymore.

when something doesn’t go along with your plan that drastically changes the course of your life, it’s so easy to blame it all to outside forces. to some mystical villain that’s trying to fuck with your life. especially if you have that que sera sera mentality. that everything happens for a reason. that your life’s sequence of events are already pre-written, so there should be a reason why the plan has changed. and it’s basically like we’re depending the consequences going on in our lives to something or someone else so grand we can’t wrap our minds around, so we just absentmindedly let it take in charge of our lives.

but there’s really no one else who’s in charge of our lives. those consequences aren’t really because of that “grand” writer’s choices. when you realize no one else writes your life but you, that there is no outside force but an inner one which is you, that your mentality should be “make that shit happen” rather than everything happens for a reason, that certain passion begins to ignite again. when you’ve come into terms with the fact that you and your decisions alone can fuck with your life, no one and nothing else, for some reason, it’s a bit easier to breathe. it’s a bit easier to resurface from your internal drowning when you’ve accepted that there’s no outside villain to defeat. that it’s just you and your own limitations in this battlefield. until you humble down to this fact and, at the same time, believe in yourself that you can overcome your own self, life, and your shoulders, start to weigh a little bit lighter. it’s like the camera starts rolling again, and life goes on.

hello.

i met with an old friend yesterday. eight years ago, she left the philippines and continued her studies in chicago, while a year later, i left and moved to los angeles. two completely different states, thousands of miles away from each other. but yesterday, almost a decade later, nothing much has changed. we now look different, have met different kinds of strangers, have gained so many experiences, and yet, this unexpected comfort and ease gently blanketed on us. and it was unbelievably amazing as i ran through the day in my head last night while trying to fall asleep.  

i also learned that we apparently had the same struggles when we both moved here. i wish we weren’t so far from each other, then we wouldn’t have been in this lonely battle separately. we could’ve been each other’s support system as we both tried to build a new life with others who have already built theirs, overcome the fob “jokes,” and adjust to the overwhelming difference between the us and the philippines. i almost wished we didn’t have to go through these ugly experiences on our own, or at all, but at the same time, i’m grateful. they were ugly, but they definitely shaped us to who we are now - our better but still trying to improve selves. they taught us to be kinder and more understanding, especially to those who are just like us - trying to find their way and simply being part of something.