I'm Not That Brite.

“I’m not in love with you anymore”

7 words that literally turned my whole life around.

For the past five years I have been in love with, married to, and in a deep relationship with my spouse. She’s someone I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. That is until this week. 

I never cheated, I never faltered, I didn’t spend money we didn’t have, I wasn’t addicted to anything but this family I had built. 

However I was told I was weak, lazy, and didn’t challenge her.

As I write this, I am alone in a single apartment in downtown next to the interstate. Still in my bed at 4pm. I haven’t eaten anything or even taken anything to drink. I don’t even have the energy to get up and go to the bathroom. I have to embrace where I am now. Which is far away from the home I was asked to leave. Far away from the life that I have built for myself. All the while my “family” is 5 minutes away posting pictures of their perfect day.

A family that I had shed my own for. I had spent more time with then my mother and grandmother. Only to be here. By myself and alone.  I feel as though I’ve never existed. All those times being alone with her cousin while she was out doing her art or work. All the bonding with her brother. Being told how much I am loved and valued. Now? Now I’m no one. I’m someone who has just another chapter in their family’s life and now it doesn’t matter where I am.

This separation has just been snowballing and snowballing. Constantly gaining speed. In 22 days I have separated, had my one year wedding anniversary, been told that I don’t fit with my spouse, and now staring at pictures of my family in law on Facebook.

Every single article I’ve read about this subject has been from a female perspective. The perspective of someone who has been in 15 plus year relationships with kids and hiring lawyer and divorce.

I don’t want any of that. I just want to go home. I want to hug and kiss my wife again. I want to wake up from this horrible thing.

Instead I was asked to leave. That it would be good for our marriage and make my wife realize that she’d miss me. My hesitancy coming from a deep rooted issue of being abandoned. But as time progressed she realized how negative I made her. How unhappy I had made her. That when we had dinner on our wedding anniversary she told me how she felt so relieved and how she was walking around naked in the house free. I remember my first night in my apartment. It was cold, I had a fitted sheet and I was on a bare bed in a bare room. Trying to go to sleep so I didn’t have to wake up in the house that I had to leave the next day.

That the last time she brought moving out onto to the table that it was either move out or get married, I chose married. Finding out later that she was gearing to break up with me. I was told that was in the past and that it’s different because we were married.  

However, it wasn’t different and it doesn’t matter that we’re married. Despite her telling me that she went in with the best intentions it turned into exactly what she originally wanted. I married her because I was given an ultimatum of either “making an honest woman out of her” or leaving and breaking up, I chose to marry her. This time around I left because I was given the ultimatum of leave or we’re getting a divorce.

Either way what’s happening? I’m alone and getting divorced only I didn’t get arrested like I was threatened to be.

This is the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. I haven’t been through anything else like this. I keep being told that she has to think because she doesn’t want to make a mistake. That she’s done worrying about what other people are going to think of her. She’s taking my family more into consideration than I am. We can’t go back from this. I can’t come back home at any point and pretend none of this happened. Or come home learning a very valuable lesson.

The lesson is:

I put myself in this mess and despite effort and warning signs it just turned into shit.