closed. thank you for the memories. feel free to dm for contact. iโll keep this blog up for archiving.
Three Goblin Art
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@imnotsiho
closed. thank you for the memories. feel free to dm for contact. iโll keep this blog up for archiving.

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a little food for thought. maybe some self reflections.
maybe i'm more scared of what to do if i survive my attempt on killing myself. after all, it brings a lot of unwanted mess in life whether we admit it or not. I think I'm more scared of being annoyed on surviving and having to deal with the aftermath of my failed suicide attempt, which is why i just don't attempt it anymore. does this even make any sense?
ใใฏใฏใใพใใกใใผใใใฃใใไธญโฆ
I'm now so relaxed...
something i have to write about:
siho finding out her brother (who had decided to estrange himself from their bloodline just to prove something) is actually a competitor of some sort and is now either:
a.) bored and wants to try killing siho OR
b.) a loving brother that found out about siho officially being alone after their dad passed
sweet home.
april 20th, 2024. the clock showed 4:10am on siho's phone. as if it had been just any normal day, she finds herself crawling towards her family home instead of her condominium in cheongdam. the difference between the last time she was here (read: at least four months ago) and now was her expectation of who would answer the door for her. then, it was her father, glasses always rested on his nose while he gave the girl a look of disapproval. "you can't keep wasting your time like this." pertaining to her drunken state. on the other end of the timeline, the now, she was surprisingly sober, not a sip of alcohol in her system the last 48 hours.
she sighed as she fixed her hair before pushing her key in to open the wooden doors. before her revealed simply her family home. the last glass of whiskey her father had still on his office desk, with papers stacked neatly on the other end. "what the hell am i even doing in here?" she thought to herself out loud as she picked up a few of the papers, skimming through them one by one, not a single paper seeming to give her interest. it nearly surprised her that nobody ever came to their house with the intention of trashing it now that the news has caused wider reach. somehow, she was expecting her life to be on the edge with her family gone. yet, she was living the most peace she has ever had since she was 14.
she moved from her father's office to her old room, checking her closet if she had anything she wanted to bring along. there was an incredible amount of dust everywhere and it was starting to nearly suffocate her with the amount of times she had to sneeze.
ever since her father had passed, she contacted nobody that dealt business with their family. she was extremely sure she would've died in november, thus reaching out to exchange sympathies with them just felt like a bother to her. it was pointless. you can imagine the disappointment she felt when she had awoken from her deep, deep slumber. with a sigh once more, she ran her fingers through her hair and started looking for somebody in her contacts list.
sweet โ homes
the contact read. i seriously can't believe i'm doing this again. it felt like she was about to do a bungee jump. the explosion nearly happening. her head felt heavy and she could sense a migraine incoming, but she knew she needed their help, and not anyone else's. whether they were trustworthy after the fact was really nothing she cares about anymore. she finally pressed call contact.
one ring... and there blared a thin never ending beep.
"hey. it's.. it's ha siho. i need help cleaning up."
ten seconds passed by and yet siho had heard nothing on the other end. despite being so hesitant in doing this, siho felt herself disappointed when she was met with silence. she heaved a sigh and was about to end the call when a familiar, deep voice spoke through the line.
"it will be our pleasure, miss ha. please expect our personnel to arrive shortly. welcome home."
the call drops.

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am i overbearing? i used to think i was the "chillest" person there could ever be in a room but specific reactions and expressions from specific people had made me think about this.. at 2 a.m. sober. i should just get some sleep instead.
Helen Oyeyemi, from โWhite Is for Witchingโ ย
i think i am slowly accepting it. that my dad is probably taking care of onigiri and they're both being assholes in heaven (or hell...?) tormenting me with the little things. there's nothing more i want to say that i miss my dad and my cat. i say to myself sometimes, "you could always get another cat. maybe someone that looks like oni-chan too." but that feels selfish. and weird. and it won't work. oni-chan would also probably scratch and bite me in my dreams if i did that. i can't possibly betray him. my dad? there's no way you can buy another dad so that's obvious...
if there is really a phenomenon of reincarnation taking place and onigiri and dad decide to still come to me in their reincarnated selves, i hope i don't miss the signs that it's them waving to my soul.
๐ฏ๐ข๐จ๐ฅ๐๐ง๐ญ
[ ๐ฏ๐ข๐จ๐ฅ๐๐ง๐ญ ] : sender has harmed someone who threatened the receiver.
"sen, sen... whydyouhavetodothat?" siho slurs as she fixes her slouched self on the couch, but ends up in a state much worse than prior, her cheeks red and voice already thin from all the drinking both of them have done from 6pm to the current time of 2:47 a.m. he was in front of her, also undoubtedly intoxicated, but remained a stoic image, looking at her with a slight frown on his face. "do you have no self respect? he almost got you inside of his car if i wasn't there to intervene. what the fuck is wrong with you?" and siho let out an exaggerated sigh again while she sat herself properly, then giggling, grabbing the half empty mug of beer and offering it to sen. "yeah but youuu were there and we are hereeee. so now what?" she waited for a few seconds to see if he would bite, then decided to gulp the rest of the mug for herself. "that was really fun." it was sen's turn to break to a chuckle, probably thinking the girl had officially lost her mind which was honestly, probably true anyways.
( @uninvitedawn ) <3
spoiled milk.
what have i done? for the first time in my twenty six years of existence, i've accidentally let fresh, cold milk, gone spoiled. i always end up needing to buy cold milk for myself as i like drinking it down when i can't sleep. i don't know why i still think it would help me feel sleepy despite it being only 5% successful per attempt. thing is though, that's how much i enjoy drinking it. even without a chocolate chip cookie to go along with it. so how did i end up getting a single 1L carton of milk get spoiled? how did that happen? how did i let time pass by me that i couldn't ever remember when i bought the carton of milk to understand how it got spoiled? well, there really isn't much i can do about it now.
today, i bought another carton of 1L milk.
i also added to my calendar: "march 15th 2024. bought 1L milk."
hopefully i don't reach a stage in which I have to set an alarm on when it would be unsafe to consume anymore.

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๐๐จ๐ซ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ข ๐ฐ๐จ๐ฎ๐ฅ๐: a little assortment of prompts revolving around painful, bottled up affection and endless yearning, as well as the possible result of finally taking action. remember to tag your dark themes. add +reverse to swap the roles.
[ ๐ฅ๐จ๐ง๐ ๐ข๐ง๐ ] : receiver notices sender looking at them longingly. [ ๐๐ซ๐๐๐ฆ ] : receiver hears sender calling their name while asleep. [ ๐ฐ๐๐ซ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ก ] : sender drapes a coat / cape / etc. around receiver's shoulders. [ ๐ฌ๐๐๐ง๐ญ ] : receiver is hugging a coat / cape / etc. that belongs to the sender. [ ๐๐๐ฅ๐ฆ ] : sender is helping the receiver through a panic attack / severe anxiety. [ ๐ก๐๐ง๐ ] : sender takes a hold of receiver's both hands. [ ๐ซ๐๐ฌ๐ญ ] : sender and receiver are spooning for comfort and warmth. [ ๐๐ฅ๐ฆ๐จ๐ฌ๐ญ ] : sender and receiver are finally about to kiss, but are interrupted. [ ๐ญ๐๐ฌ๐ญ๐ ] : sender and receiver are finally sharing a passionate kiss. [ ๐๐จ๐ฎ๐ง๐ ] : sender has just found the receiver who's been missing for weeks. [ ๐ฅ๐จ๐ฌ๐ฌ ] : after being misinformed that the sender has died, receiver is grieving. [ ๐ฅ๐จ๐ฎ๐ ] : sender is expressing anger over receiver's constant recklessness. [ ๐ฃ๐๐๐ฅ๐จ๐ฎ๐ฌ ] : sender is voicing their negative opinion about a person who appears to be close with the receiver. [ ๐ฆ๐ข๐ง๐ ] : sender has just told receiver "you belong to me". [ ๐ฐ๐ก๐ฒ ] : sender has just asked receiver "why don't you love me". [ ๐ฏ๐ข๐จ๐ฅ๐๐ง๐ญ ] : sender has harmed someone who threatened the receiver. [ ๐ ๐ซ๐ข๐ฆ ] : sender has killed someone who threatened the receiver. [ ๐ก๐ฎ๐ซ๐ญ ] : sender has gotten injured protecting the receiver. [ ๐๐ฅ๐จ๐ง๐ ] : sender is getting frustrated with their repressed affection and asks receiver to leave them alone. [ ๐๐ซ๐ฎ๐๐ฅ ] : unable to handle their fondness towards receiver, the sender lashes out and they end up in a heated argument. [ ๐๐ฉ๐จ๐ฅ๐จ๐ ๐ฒ ] : sender is apologising for appearing cold. [ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐จ๐ฉ ] : sender is telling receiver they "deserve better than whatever this is".
( trigger warning: suicide and description of the attempt. sorry x )
โhave yourself, a merry meeerry christmaaaas~โ the young ladyโs voice echoed in the hotel bathroomโs walls as she waltzed across the tub, filling the warm water with all sorts of glittery bath bombs, flowers, and soaps. siho was set this time, she had finally made her decision, and she was happier than ever. she looked out the window once all the rose petals she had in her hands had fallen in the tub; a big sleazy smile appeared on her lips as she admired the winter snow. โitโs the most wonderful time of the year~โ she sang once more, on her way to take her fourth glass of champagne that night. (well, sheโs had much more than just champagne that night, as expected)
off her silk night gown went as she slid down the white tub. of course, not without her last bottle of champagne, deciding to sip right through the neck this time. โahh~โ she exhaled as she leaned back, the once iridescent, glittering water now turning red as her wrists lowered beneath. the prickling caused by the soap made siho wince, arguing with the champagne bottle at how painful it stung. she decides to keep drinking to numb it away.
at last. at peace. the words kept bubbling in sihoโs mind as she stared at the beautiful paintings decorated on her hotel roomโs ceiling. it was as if she checked in on a museum hotel instead.
what an elegant way to die.
she closed her eyes, for the last time now, and went to sleep.
05:24 am, siho was declared under a coma caused by intoxication.
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ- โค๏ธโ๐ฉน
i | insanity
they say a little too much thinking and letting your brain's screws work overtime could turn it into a good old fried brain. insanity, as others would call it, and one of the adjectives most people would describe siho, past and present. as a young girl, siho was known to be this quiet little kid who hadn't want anything to do with anyone unless it involved desserts or pretty dresses, to ha juho's relief. I won't have to worry about her when she grows up. he once thought to himself, thinking that if she grows up normal, he won't have to bring siho into the world of petty crimes and the organization. he and his wife both, had high hopes that one day, their family can be at peace, away from the ugly world they're currently involved in- until the day 13 year old siho came home with a bleeding nose. worry and concern laced the faces of both her parents as they examined her for any further marks; her right hand knuckles were boasting a splatter of red and purple, siho's expression dull. "what happened, dear?" her mother asked as both her and her husband knelt down holding siho's hands, as if further examining it would heal it in real time.
"i wanted to see how many punches it would take before my nose started bleeding. it took only nine."
sihwan gave a quick nod towards the bodyguards that were standing across the room, to which juho raised his brow against. "we have done our investigations ma'am. she did it in the open field restroom five minutes before the bell rung. the principal of the school doesn't know just yet. a couple of students saw her bleeding on the way to the car, but no one saw the process." the taller man quickly informed, his head bowed down as he wasn't sure if it was right for him to say all those details, or if he lacked further of any.
with a short sigh, siho's father waved the two bodyguards away, massaging his temples with one hand immediately after. "very well."
after her father's death, siho didn't really know what to do with herself. there were appointments with their personal attorney regarding what ha juho had left behind, but siho could not find it in herself to attend to his calls. the attorney was an old man, beard as white as can be and telling of how long he has been serving the ha family. eventually he became a family friend, the level of loyalty and trust he had exchanged within the ha family was more than enough reason for it to be so. the attorney was relentless, trying his best to contact siho- even going as far as personally knocking on her condominium apartment (he is a very busy old man- this is a big deal) and yet, he was met with silence, short of a text message reading: i'm sorry. not today. with it, he leaves, a heavy sigh leaving his lips.
losing both of your parents at the age of twenty six wasn't really something siho had imagine happening to her. regardless of how intense of an upbringing she had and lifestyle she maintained, at the end of the day, unfortunately for her, she was still an average human being, capable of grieving, feeling lost, and feeling hurt. for the first few weeks of her father's death, she was barely alive, a mere zombie in the eyes of people that didn't really know her. Anytime she visited their house, the assistants and staffs that met her only saw dead eyes placed on her face.
as if God himself wanted to punish the girl with her sins as early as now, he took away onigiri, her life companion, as well. oni-chan, as she like to call him, was brought to siho as a gift from her father right when she turned 21. "they are feisty, but they teach you patience, respect, and loyalty. they also teach you how to be a better person." she recalls him telling her, as he held the small carrier that contained the orange kitten, smiling as he played with him through the little holes, baiting his finger in between as they play bite. perhaps it really was God punishing siho after all. there's nothing to lose anymore.
there's nothing to lose anymore.
the first thing she wants to do, very honestly, is to kill herself. but, memorizing her history and will, she knows she'll fail, so she doesn't even bother. now, it's been three months since her father's passing, and a little over six weeks since her cat's passing; she was still alive. she spends majority of her days wasting the hours away drunk, in her flat, in their house, in a club. all she wanted to feel was nothingness, yet when it came, it still hurt her. how does nothingness hurt? how does that make sense? she would always ask herself. the second thing she wants to do, is to feel something. anything, other than hurt. the cycle has been going on for too long- numb, hurt, numb, hurt.
"I think I am ready. please confirm the date and time before I change my mind." she sends to attorney kim, before letting her conscious get snatched away with whisky again. it was a nightmare happening all over again for her. she wakes up in her dream, greeted by her mom, walking slowly towards siho with open arms, and siho feels warm, happy, and content. split second later, her mother falls to the ground, head shot point blank by an unknown figure. the white space containing them was then stained with her mother's blood, siho just staring in shock and fear. except, this time, its both of her parents, simultaneously, and over and over and over again. then she would wake up in real life in cold sweat, frustrated and tired. perhaps its time to go and actually check up with the family therapist? she rolled her eyes at the tiredness.
and with it, she got to work and attended all the hearings, meetings, discussions, with a bubbled brain. nothing really mattered to her anymore, she will just let nature run it's course now. at the very least, all she has to do here is to simply follow.
in relation to the previous post, let me establish a few things before i fall asleep and forget the lore:
onigiri, sihoโs most beloved cat, has passed away. not of natural causes, details will have to be revealed through a separate post
she has spent most of her days staring at him and pretending heโs just sleeping but itโs only a matter of days where this canโt really be ignored much
after a week of his passing, siho still kept refilling his bowl, mindlessly taking it out to clean at night and then refilling it the next morning, letting the cycle reset at night
siho wants to die basically ๐ซถ
more details soon.

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selfish goodbye. the point of view of a bystander; merging their observations with sihoโs own.
tw: mentions of animal death, necromancy(?), depression, slight implications of self harm.
ever since siho has been a teen, she knew right away that the state of her living has been a reflection of her mental. sheโs a hundred percent sure that someone with the expertise of psychology had said this to her long ago, but their words always made itโs way to sihoโs conscious whenever she realized how much of a mess her place has been getting. she picks up the sweater that had been sitting on her furry carpet the last three months, dusting it off with a gentle grimace. it has become a point wherein she measures the time of her demise through the amount of time her place is left unorganized and filthy. likewise, she treats the whole cleaning and re-organizing of it all as if she is re-healing and fixing her mental state, although she hasnโt quite consulted this yet with her psychiatrist on whether it really is a good idea to have such mindset. nonetheless, it is worth noting that the sweater has been sitting on the furry carpet for at least three months, and it was time that siho had put it on the wash (just on its own, in order not to affect the other garments). unfortunately, this was the only re-healing she could do for herself for this month. after her fatherโs death, she thought the rage inside of her would force her to live in spite, and for revengeโฆ but she just doesnโt have the strength to do anything, anymore. so now, she is merely existing. she can at least bathe herself once a day, doom scroll until her neck hurts and itโs time to fix up a meal, then back to her bed, pushing away anything that wasnโt meant to be on the bed. she ignored the state of her home, and decided that perhaps tomorrow will be the day she would properly bury the remains of her beloved cat, and give it the farewell ceremony it most definitely deserved.
time has gone pretty quickly this year. a lot has changed, a lot has stayed flat. once again i find myself forming contradicting words that still, make just the right amount of sense which would prevent me from being labeled as insane even though, i probably am, if not on the brink of it. life update? i don't like cigarettes anymore. i haven't been drinking enough beer on a weekly basis which is quite terrible. time to fix that.