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@imnotasecretsecondblog
even though i really want to try to be a good person just because i genuinely want to make things easier for the people around me and be a good influence however i can, the bitterness i feel when time and time again the goodwill doesn’t get returned makes me feel so manipulative. like thats really not what im doing it for. but its tiring
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i dream of meeting someone who genuinely wants to be around me.
this is me venting, welcome to my vent my #myvent never thought i would actually post something on here my self but i just need to throw this out somewhere.
i had a realization, a moment of clarity or whatever. i don't matter to my friends as much as they do to me. i recognized a pattern with how several of my friends treat me, that being that i get thrown to the side the moment someone better shows up.
just to give an example i was in a vc with my friend a few weeks back, we were just talking when suddenly she left, no word no nothing, well what happened as it turns out was that her other friend had joined another vc on a different server that she then immediately joined as well. just like that i did not matter anymore, i had served my purpose.
it kept bugging me, but i pushed it to the side and kept going, as i should, but then something similar happened, but not with her, a different friend. and it made me realize that this keeps happening, a lot.
like i get that everyone around me has people who they prefer to be around over me, but the fact that the moment someone else is available its like i was never there? that really fucking sucks. i feel like i'm the piece of ductape that gets slapped on the damaged pipe until the real fix arrives.
one time a friend of mine suddenly started to hang out with me more than usual, not just that they actually asked me to hang! (no one ever asks me to hang out) at the time i was happy ofc "my friend wants to hang out with me!? yippee!" but looking back… i now know why, they didn't suddenly realize that i'm really cool or awesome or worth their time, they were pissed at their preferred friends and i was really just a backup. and the moment they had the choice again, it was back to the usual. knowing that im not ever asked to hang out, that im seemingly not worth seeking out the presence of hurts already... but knowing that when people do, its not because they wanted me for well... me, but because they wanted something to fill the void, hurts even more.
i try to be consistent, i do my best to show that i care about my friends, and i keep asking them to hang out. but no one cares about me until there is a hole that needs filling. (and i dont mean in the fun way) yes some of my friends care, but at the end of the day if you put any of them in a room full of their friends im not someone they would go to.
i try not to think about that, that im not anyone's #1... or even in a top 5... but realizing how people treat me really makes it hard to not think about. maybe one day though.
