person on the internet

i feel like everything’s collapsing around me all of a sudden and all i can do is watch and know its my fault

almost three months clean and i havent thought about seriously harming myself in that time

decided to deactivate my shedtwt account #gettingbetter

im not happy just distracted

i dont have an identity i dont think i really exist and i dont think im perceivable i dont perceive myself and nobody perceives me

im this way because ive conditioned myself to believe that wanting friends who treat me well is extremely selfish of me

i feel like its all my fault and i really hate that it is because im the reason she left school and the reason why school is so boring now, and as soon as people find out she doesn’t like me they stop hanging out with her as much and i just feel awful because of it. especially M because as soon as i find out about it he essentially completely abandons her to be with ME and im just realising how fucking awful that mustve been because they were literally attached by the hip and all of a sudden the girl YOU were both shittalking is your best friend and youre barely talking to L AND said girl just confronted her about the whole thing. am i the only one who sees that as weird???? you abandon your best friend to be with a person she thought you both hated, and that mustve sucked and its all my fault. not just M, but E did it too and its all for me like???? what the hell???? i feel so bad because it mustve been so confusing and so awful for her and im glad she moved away from allat but also im so upset that im the reason why she moved.

me when my mother sees my reluctance to stop drinking energy drinks despite her insistence as a personality flaw of mine and not something that should be concerning

all of a sudden a shit ton of responsibility has been placed on my shoulders and i have to do this and i dont want to but its whats right but i cant