don't let the poets lie to you

Last night, we were sitting on his bed. He played the guitar and sang, sometimes I joined in. There was something vaguely flirtatious in the air. I could sense that he was intrigued but a little anxious too and he was delaying what was about to come by playing another song, and another, and another ...

After Wonderwall (don't judge 😄), I took a chance: "Kbo, do you want to lie down next to me?"

First, this 6' 4" hulk with the build of a young rugby player rested his head on my chest as I caressed his chest. His shirt had pulled up just a little, revealing just a small bit of his belly. "Is your chest hairy too?", I asked, feeling a little cheeky. "Yeah." He pulled up his shirt

I was genuinely surprised. He's bicurious but I knew that he had next to no experience with other men because he felt some apprehension about exploring this side.

We cuddled a little with our shirts off. I know I'm a basic bottom™ but lying in his big and strong arms with my head on big and strong chest while stroking the hair on his chest and his beard felt so wonderfully sweet.

He defined some limits: no touching below the belt. We just cuddled and kissed. We left our shirts on but sometimes his hand would wander under my shirt or my hand under his shirt. I love feeling the fuzz on his chest.

I told him straight-up: "I like lying here in your arms. They are so strong." He smiled back at me with a kind look in his eyes. "Yes, they are very protective" And then with a voice that sounded a little silly he added, "But they can also be very dangerous.", as he put me in a soft headlock as a joke. I chuckled and so did he. He's a dumbass sometimes and I love that about him.

I am going to visit him again tomorrow. He finally received a mattress that is actually large enough for his big bed and in the last week he kept making odd sex jokes about it that kinda came out of the blue. "There is much space now. It's perfect for fucking." Is he trying to test the waters whether I would be open to that?

I had dropped out of college for the second time, was profoundly depressed, and not sure what I was going to do with my life. My mom took me to an exhibition of the Denver Botanical Gardens' Botanical Illustration program.

It was a color-pencil-on-acrylic drawing of a Witches Broom plant, and I remember suddenly realizing that wait. I know how to do that. I know how to make those marks, how to layer those colors. I could do this.

I could make something good enough to hang in a gallery.

-And that changed things for me. Yeah, actually, I wasn't a total failure, I COULD do that and in fact I think I will. I signed up for the program, got my accreditation as a scientific illustrator, and my fucking dignity back. I even got to take classes from the woman who drew that Witches Broom.

All this is to say: Actually, go in to galleries and see if there is something you think you could do.

Then go do it.

You might find out that the threshold to getting your work shown/published is entirely within your skill level, or (like me) it's something you will get to learn so much more about, or you will wander into a completely different art form but literally whatever happens your life will be richer for it.

Imagine how kickass if the lady in the original post decided to do what Klein actually said did, and we all got a brand new pigment and painting technique out of it. You think you can do that? Good! Go do it! It'll kick ass!!

ROLAND TOPOR

Kenojuak Ashevak