the days i cry

SONG OF ACHILLES SPOILERS (this is my first time ranting here so I’m not sure if that was necessary but it can’t hurt)

I just finished it and it was horrible. The writing and storytelling was so magnificent but the actual story hurt me so much. Horrible in that the things that occurred made me want to rip out my golden hair too, not horrible as in it was badly constructed. In that regard, it was gorgeous, brilliant, iridescent. Hats off and my deepest praise to Ms. Madeline Miller.

I don’t understand how people still love Achilles in the end. I think it’s partly because he is half of a queer couple which is so rare in stories, but he truly became a horrible person as the war went on. An Agamemnon of his own. With the same greed, the same arrogance. Patroclus died because of him, the entire Greek army died because of him. His pride killed hundreds of men.

I also was so terribly hurt by the last bit, where they reunite. It was unsatisfying. I agreed with Briseis; Patroclus deserved better. The way Achilles behaved in his grief was absolutely disgusting and horrifying. The way he treated Hector. The way he treated Briseis. The way he still had that same arrogance, just angrier and wilder. I would have preferred that he just died. I would have preferred Patroclus to hurt over his death than to hurt over his change in character.

Which brings me to my next point: Patroclus still loved him, despite it all. Which was so fitting and so real and so human. When you’ve loved someone so deeply and for so long, it’s not their actions that make you love them. You love them because you have loved them and you will love them, because it is a fact. A tangible, unconditional thing. His grieving over Achilles’ decisions did not take away from his love for him. How human. How Patroclus.

It hurt all the more to see Achilles change because we started off seeing him as a loving and excitable boy with kindness and compassion and respect for everyone. And we saw him grow up and grow in love. We saw him grow into his power, and then be changed by it. And that hurt so much. I feel like I don’t even know the Achilles at the end of the book. I feel very much how Patroclus felt. I can’t imagine how much he was hurting.

That’s all I can think of for now. This book will stay on my mind for a long time, I suspect. I’m so glad I picked it up because it had me hooked, made me feel so much, and gave me a lot to think about. It was so raw and real and sad. I want to imagine it made others feel the same way.