MAR

Time to liberate, meditate, find assertiveness.

Be grateful for the air that I’m breathing, the words that I’m speaking, the souls that I’m meeting. I lose myself in the concepts that I find. I float with my dreams in the middle of the night. I appreciate a green leaf and the blueness of the sky, sometimes dark, sometimes bright.

Life, was once black and white.

I was a fish in an aquarium with limited space – now? Now I face a limitless ocean of experience and grace. I embrace the unknown and I gently run, or actually walk, my race. With no competition or sense of restriction.

I see magic in the very tiny little things, or better in miracles – nothing particularly has changed, besides my insides, those after grief and pain have never been the same. I see it as some sort of destruction so a building with bricks of goodness could take place.

Had a cosmic conversation with the moon last Wednesday, she passed the phone to her maker. I told Him I was confused but okay… “okay” in my terms, I should say. I cried and I bet she did too, I believe she’s got the fullness and the empathy to not leave me alone in that conversation of two.

The moon is a good third party.

I constantly wonder what to do, what to do, what is right, what is wrong, but ethics never allows me to be that plain and narrow. I’ve got to go deeper, deeper – put the universe in the midst of all my sorrow and decisions.

The sun’s in Virgo, I’ve lit the candle, asking my soul where her mate is? She doesn’t know. My intuition says “no”. Moving on and walking away are synonyms to burning bridges and I’m not quite sure I have enough fire for that.

Nature engages with my being. The sand on my feet have existed before I was living.

Poetry, sweet art of design, words were created for creation. Words were created to resuscitate my imagination.  

If I say 3 wishes oh sun, will you tell your maker? He knows love is top 1 in the agenda. If  say 3 wishes oh moon, will you tell your maker? He knows stability is the craving of my bones. If I say 3 wishes oh stars will you multiply the last one into hundreds so all the voices in my head get to pick one?

Is that too much to ask?

Can a girl not want everything? When a wave crashes we don’t blame her for her intensity – we expect it. When she’s calm and feels like a hug we just smile. When she comes strong with a sense of hurricane we just dive right in, head in, the legs will follow. Throw ourselves against the high tide, life is happening, not worth to hide.

Time to liberate, meditate, find assertiveness.

And hopefully love on the way…

by Imara Cruz 

It’s not even been two weeks since I reached that two-one; handed in the biggest academic piece of my life yet – all midst a pandemic and the initial social justice movement for black lives. Despite being locked inside for what feels like eternity, in this short lifetime of mine, I saw protests happening all around the world for the sake of freedom, liberation – equality: for my people, in the name of those who we can’t name – but unfortunately we can’t detach the pain.

“Uncertain” feels like an unfair word to describe life in this very moment. I have been thinking about the future, what type of woman do I want to be, but more than anything, I have been thinking about the present… what type of woman am I today. Outside of all the labels that have been attached to me or the choices that I once made that still determine people’s outlook on me. I came to the understanding that I have a lot to face when I see my face. My blackness, my uniqueness, my purpose. At the end of the day what really are my passions? I question if I have even encountered them or if they’re hidden somewhere that I cannot yet grasp.

Long ago were the days that I just wrote what I thought or described how I felt. Picking the words now seems challenging. My excuse is clearly that I’m actually still coming to terms with this new phase in my life. The door to loss opened properly for the first time to me this year, since that happened my point of view on life and on death has changed consequently. I have constant flashbacks – time fades but memories surely remain.

The ground I now firm my feet is not so stable. For most of my teenage years I could look at the sky and ask for the exact same thing, countless times. When it hit 11:11 I knew my wish just right, I could probably say it in all the languages I happen to know. These days I’m still figuring out the things I want or the things that want me. I deal with pain very differently, my activities are no longer only based on divinity. 

In this run towards wherever I’m going, I’m gathering precious bits… the magic, the knowledge, the experiences.

Scared, I’ve always been scared – to say the truth: of doing the wrong thing, of not being good enough, of not being all there, of not being a helping hand. Scared… of love actually happening, then stopping. People coming, with promises to stay and then leaving. Heating up the water for who only serves me cold coffee. I guess I always wanted to be loud and the first one to show up, not necessarily because of my confidence, but because I wanted to prove a point. I wanted to be that chick, and I believe I was, for everyone else but myself.

The one with exclamation marks after anyone’s question marks: A subtle way to describe me, before 21 slapped me “Wake up”. Beyond the dreams and the fantasies, beyond my extreme need for peace and solution in any circumstance: I had to accept the bitter reality that I cannot fix everything, or be there for everybody. I had to accept that it’s just fine to be quiet sometimes, to do nothing sometimes… to be less, all the time.

I wonder how I’m going to be like when I read this again, will I see myself win? Will I be proud of my current decisions? Of the words that are here written? Of the people I’m meeting? Will I be sharing my life with someone a lot cooler than me or will being alone not sound so terrifying...

I come from a big family, a pretty loyal one, five of us in one place is the bare minimum. I can’t imagine not having someone near, for me to un-puzzle my day with and to break into point A and point B the theories in my brain.

Nevertheless, more important than who I’ll share a bed with, is who I’ll share a table. My friends that know that I like my wine red and let me be in the living room by myself when they see my yoga mat. My friends that live overseas but don’t seem to let distance come between. May I always share these connections, from 21 to 81.

Despite being locked inside for what feels like eternity, when this is all over and we embrace new normality - we’ll walk towards better land, how and where? the destination is still to be revealed and uncertainty for now, continues to be – the cup of tea.

Put the kettle on.

The journey... what is there to say about the journey, the middle, the process, the waiting for the fulfillment of the promise - the everlasting ticks before a memorable BOOM! 

The journey... it comes with routine, prayer as a lifestyle and not just as a life saver, it’s an “amen, Thy will be done” as soon as dark meets light and day. 

The journey... it has ups and downs which no one sees. It receives no applause. It has tears and sorrow yet it still hopes for a rainbow. 

The journey is grey weather though the soul longs for sunshine. Keep fighting.

The journey walks side to side with doubt - because going against all odds is something we all question how. But it’s possible. It’s okay to be scared of your dreams; don’t scare them away.

The journey is not celebrated, it remains in the shadows as another occupies the stage. 

The journey is unpredictable, with no written lines, not all characters are known and the show has never been rehearsed. 

Don’t give up on your journey;

Mar

(written on the way to church) 

Why?

Because everything can change tomorrow… even if it feels like that tomorrow is still far away from the present. The sun is going to rise with a different shine, the rain may be heavier, or maybe all roofs will be covered with pure white dust.

The future is breathing fresh air and hope over us at all times, though we can’t feel it, see it or truly sense it. There is something stronger, either you want to personally call it God or not – an energy/ one thing which is superior – is holding all things together.  

Living one day at a time has never made more sense. It is all so unpredictable. Uncertainty is what makes life life – the moment we try to put to thoughts that which is unthinkable, we are trying to box the supernatural to our natural condition.

Every day I question “what now?” “what can happen?” “who am I going to meet?” “what am I doing today that will help me shape a better life for me and mine?” The possibilities are endless if we are willing to transform our perspective and challenge our vision.

I say yes, dream without borders – imagine yourself going against all odds and fighting them with both your strengths and your weaknesses. As cliché as I may sound, failing is not what destroys you, giving up is. Encourage yourself through the ups and the downs, the gain and the loss. It’s not impossible if other people did it, and if you’re willing to do something that’s not been done before, or managed before – believe that you are the one. You are your biggest competition. Dare to not lose against yourself.

The struggle right now, will only be a memory: One more step that you are taking on this long journey working towards your heavenly given dream.

This week one of the things that has been planted in my heart is how comparison takes us absolutely nowhere. I, myself don’t want to look like someone else (yes be inspired) or create what someone else is creating. The gift inside of me, inside of you as an individual is far too special to be compared – don’t lose its essence. I don’t want to look like somebody else, I want to look like Jesus.

Because everything will be different tomorrow.

Mar

Time is driving me insane as I seek for the sanity of your love. I’m counting down for a day that to me is unknown, all the other days are adding up and slapping me on the face, calling me names. It’s not for granted, it’s uncertain - Your arrival; Maybe I’ll have you if I’m lucky enough, maybe when the angels take my side and cry in my favor to God. Maybe He’ll then decide to pay attention. Maybe I’ll give up, maybe one day I’ll stop putting my heart on the line - I’ll understand that it takes so much more to be your... wife? How many more Octobers until my soul meets her limit, will it be on a bumpy road? on a rare sunny day? down the hill? I wonder... when don’t I wonder? I have infinite doubts I can be drunk, I can be sober. My brain is screaming question marks, my heart is beating fast, smoke on my lungs, I fear the future and I want to forget the past. Dreams? I want wine and ice cream - something that fills me up before going to bed. I always want you but you’re exactly all I don’t have. There’s this void and emptiness I avoid during the day but at night, I have not been taught how to escape. I’m missing out. I’m crying out. (...) Hopelessly I hope, I throw my hands in the air in confusion - after understanding this is all an illusion. Time is driving me insane...

Adrenaline. 

Fire within my soul. 

I aspire to be different (yet insecurities come over when I realise that I’m not like any of them)

_______________________________________

That was nothing like what I wanted to write but the phrase “fire within my soul” would not escape my brain, yet sadly creativity seems to run away from my bones a little bit every single day. 

I remember writing never ending words and struggling to pick the best ones to have them combined in one to make a piece, now, I struggle to simply make sense. Maybe it’s the world at the moment, with so much disgrace I can’t grace my art. 

The earth is for sure going through a hard phase... or maybe it’s because we haven’t been under good signs, blame the zodiac, OOOORRR maybe it’s the moon probably being influenced by some type of wicked force. 

Too many maybes, we all certainly know the guilt is mine. Can’t run from it, can’t run from myself and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing - avoiding how I truly feel about life itself and the way it affects the way I carry myself around. Guess that’s what happens when dealing with: 

DISAPPOINTMENT - which is as easy as it gets, an appointment that you make that does not go quite as you wanted it to. Did I say quite? I most probably meant “nothing as you wanted it to”. Not less than a year ago I had this firm assumption that my life would look the absolute opposite of what it does this very second! Would I want things to look the way they do in my head? Would I rather be moving to Sydney Oztraiaaah in months time? My answer is positive. Dealing with disappointment was Hard with a capital H for me, not that I had never dealt with disappointment before (my whole life ha, sorry let’s continue) but I had THIS FIRE WITHIN MY SOUL that burst every time I thought otherwise. Problem here was... I just wasn’t aligned with His time. 

Hope was definitely my middle name. I had hope for the future and suddenly fear knocked on my door - that annoying knock knock everyone wants to ignore. Plan B was built after weeks of intense stress, tears, sweat and smoke, ew. I felt like a failure. Let’s repeat - I was looking all around me and I was trapped in my own imagination, my own goals and plans had given up on me and threw me into reality. I didn’t have a clue on how to fix my life, my mental state was a roller coaster, I was up and down, side to side, having thoughts that were destroying me every second. I had to stop listening to my mind and order my mind to listen to me. 

I was aware for seconds that I couldn’t kill myself no matter what circumstance I could ever face in my life, from the smallest thing that can break my heart, walking the wrong path on a journey, the loss of loved ones or my ever possible biggest dream sailing a boat in the opposite direction. My mind was battling my spirit, spitting lies every time I took a deep breath. Still then... in the midst of darkness there was a FIRE WITHIN MY SOUL that strengthened me and gave me once again, hope. I stopped looking around and I started looking inside of me - it is all in my hands. I am important, doing everything or not doing anything at all. Though I can disappoint myself, God will always be proud of the tiniest things I achieve... 

He is the fire within my soul, that never leads me wrong... He simply says I can do it, I can do it all, doesn’t mean it’s tomorrow, maybe tomorrow’s tomorrow. There is a process. There is a magnitude in time, every moment we’re blessed to breathe, we’re blessed to learn. 

Mar

Face masks, cigarette smoke. Trying to fix the outside as poisoning the inside. Oh darling. Tossing, turning - waiting for love to arrive from the airport, waiting for a breakthrough... I'm tired I'm waiting It's crazy I’m losing. It’s bruising… it’s showing. I’m lost in confusion, dying for some type of possible solution. Life keeps slapping me on the face, time is not healing any of my wounds, none of these places feel like home. My house is my skin and my bones.