Imagines

TRIGGER WARNING- drug abuse, alcohol, self harm, suicide, just a bunch of really sad shit.

Inspired by : https://youtu.be/3Qz1Cmj63AE

“Just come home, please.” Dean rasped on the phone. You knew Sam wasn't around, he wouldn't have let Sam hear him like that. You weren't going to lie to him or anyone else. You knew this was your fault.

“I can't, Dean. You can't see me like this.” You told him. You loved him with all of your heart, with everything you had. It had been two months since he saw you. You couldn't let him see how bad you were.

“I don't care how bad it is, please…. please I need you.” It was like he knew what you were thinking, he always had.

Hearing him beg like that broke you, it pulled something in your throat until you felt like you were going to throw up. “I gotta go, Dean.” You knew you were hurting him worse than anything ever had. But you knew how much more it would kill him to see you the way you were, so thin and tired, scabs from where you picked at ghost touches on your arm. You heard him sob on the other end of the phone. “Hold on, I still love you.” He pleaded. “Just come back home.” He sniffled. “Please.”

You hung up, instantly throwing the pillows off the bed, ripping the hotel phone off the table and throwing it across the room. You pulled a vase off the dresser and smashed the glass on the floor. You screamed and cried louder and harder than ever. You'd never felt so low and dirty.

“Hold on, I still love you.” His voice played over and over like a broken record in your head. You wanted to stop. You pleaded to the God who had never given you anything to give you this, to give you a healthy mind again. To take you home to Dean. To take you back to your boys. To give you your life back. “Just come back home.”

You stood in front of the mirror on the wall, dressed in just your shirt and some underwear. You lifted your shirt, watched your ribs slide under your skin with each quick and shallow breath. You’d never been so small, you’d never been small at all. You ran your fingers over them, down your stomach to the bones at your hips. You were sobbing. It had seemed like nothing at first, just fun, a relief, but now you knew. You’d wasted away in the blink of an eye. You used to be strong and proud and just then, looking at yourself in the mirror… you were nothing. A skeleton. A ghost. Everything you used to hate.

You destroyed everything you could touch in the hotel room, just like you did in your own life. You ripped the sheets off the bed, ripped the travel brochures on the table, tore the shower curtain down. You couldn't take it anymore. You ripped the drawer open to the bedside table and grabbed the little baggy inside the phone book. You hid it there. That happy powder, that saving grace, that white light in the darkness.

You couldn't see yourself getting better. Nothing would ever get better. You didn't see any point. You took the pills out of the bag and downed them all, chasing them with the kind of whiskey that Dean drank.

You picked up the shards from the broken vase and sling it across your wrist, your chest, the top of your arm, carelessly cutting any skin you could hit.

You laid down in the bathtub. The linoleum was cool on your skin, it felt so good. You felt like you were floating. No, not floating. Flying. You found yourself thinking of Castiels light, then of Sam’s warm brown eyes. You imagined yourself dancing in Dean’s eyes, in the fields of green. It was so warm there.

God, it was so warm…

“I need you.” You heard Deans’s voice in your head. It echoed around, your dancing feet and swirled up your body. You suddenly felt cold. “Hold onto me.” Those words killed the flowers, the trees were losing their leaves. “I still love you.” His voice was cleared now, more desperate than the echoes. “Please don't leave me.” It sounded like he gargled his own voice. You walked into the darkness and found a curtain, pulling the rope to open them.

Dean was there. He screamed your name. You saw his mouth moving and what seemed like 10 years later his words reached you. “Please don't leave me.” He begged. His words started catching up with his mouth. “Everything is going to be okay, y/n.”

You gasped for air, it felt like you were taking the ocean into your lungs. “Dean,” you meant to scream his name, make a chorus like you used to, but your voice was gone.

You felt the curtain closing again, moving on its own this time. You weren't flying anymore. Sam walked into the bathroom. You felt rain on your skin. “No, no, no!” Dean was screaming, holding onto your face.

He had never cried so hard so much in front of so many people. He didn't care anymore. He rode beside you in the ambulance, you were delirious. The EMS workers in the ambulance were working frantically to save your life, they didn't say anything but Dean could tell. They didn't try to reassure him because they could tell he knew how bad it was. He held your hand cradled in his, noticing the tracks on top of the veins in your hand. The sirens sounded so far away to him, everything was so far away.

“You can't see me like this.” You had said to him. Your voice twirled around between his ears. How could you not know how much he loved you? He should've told you more often. He should have held your hand like that every day. He should've never let you leave. You looked so pale… You looked like a ghost. You looked…

Dean lost his breath when he heard to little monitor on the shelf screaming monotone pitch at him, singing the most pitiful song he'd ever heard. The ambulance halted and they rolled you out before Dean could even think to stand. He shook his head and sprinted after you, stumbling in the door just as you went out of sight.

He screamed your name, tried to follow you down the hall, wherever you were going. Two, three, four nurses tried to hold him back as he fought against them all, screaming your name, reaching for you until Sam showed up and held him back. Leading him to a seat in the waiting room.

It felt like days before a doctor came out and walked over to them. Sam's eyes lit up, looking hopefully at the doctor Dean knew could only have bad news. It’s all sounded like gibberish, he couldn’t hear a word that was said, he couldn’t understand. All he could hear was your voice, your laugh, the softness in the way you told him you loved him every single time.

“Can I see her?” Dean asked, broken, knowing he had interrupted and not caring at all. The doctor seemed annoyed until he saw Dean’s face, pale and fallen, everything drooping.

“Sir, I need you to understand the severity of her condition. We’re not so sure she is going to make it out of this. She seems stable but it appears her drug abuse has taken its toll on her body. She’s extremely underweight and dehydrated, she’s very weak right now.”

“She’s never been weak.” Dean snapped.

“Sir, drug abuse can change a person for the worse.”

“She’s stronger than that.” Dean hoped.

“Only time will tell if she will pull through.” The doctor folded his hands in front of himself, bowing away from them.

He sat by your bed, never sleeping, never eating, never speaking, never moving. Things moved around him but it was like everything but you was in his peripheral. He scanned your body day and night, searching for movement, searching for some sign you were going to come home to him.

Images of the two of you danced around his head, your laughter echoed inside him, he could feel your words rattling in his bones, the way you always tapped a pen on your head when you were confused or focused, your eyes.

Your eyes.

They were opening.

You saw him sitting there staring at your hand, wrapped up in his.

“Come back, I still need you.” He pressed his forehead to the top of your hand, you could feel his hot tears on your skin. “I can’t see this world without you in it, y/n. I don’t want to. All this pain, all the evil, the darkness… you’re the reason I get out of bed in the morning, to make this world a better place for you.”

You tried to say his name but the words wouldn’t come out.

“I’m sorry that I-“ his voice broke and he let out of a soft sob. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do it, baby.” He cried. “Please come back. Please just give me another chance.”

You pulled your chapped lips apart and drew a breath of the cold, crisp air. “Dean.” You sounded so pleading. “I’m sorry, Dean. I’m so sorry.”

He shot ip out of his seat, his face falling. “No, no, no, baby. Don’t say you’re sorry, it’s okay. We’re going to fix this.” He assured you, placing his hand on your forehead, brushing hair back out of your face.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” There was a lump in your throat that your words struggled past, tears that fell over your pale, dry face.

He kissed your face countless times, making his way to your lips eventually. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He choked. “We all have our demons.” He hugged you tight.

It made you feel sick with yourself to feel him on you. You didn’t know what it was but you almost felt guilty he was even touching you. You stiffened and he leaned back.

“What’s wrong?” His eyebrows knitted together as he searched you for anything that could be wrong.

Suddenly the sick feeling turned to a tightening in your throat. “Please don’t act like it’s okay. I wrecked you, Dean. I wrecked myself. And you’re still here-“

“Just because you think you don’t deserve to live doesn’t mean I do. Look at yourself, hell, look at me. You worried me sick to death for months and I knew-“ his voice cracked and he took a deep breath. “Look, I don’t care what you did. All that matters is that you’re back and you’re alive.” Dean sighed.

“Dean,” you started.

He cut you off with a deepened, pleading glare, “Please, just let me be happy to have you home.”

You nodded and gave him as much of a smile as you could.

“Y/N, can I speak to you privately please?” His arms were crossed tightly over his chest. You knew it was about earlier. You didn’t understand why he was so angry with you, you did it for him.

“You almost died out there, and for what?” Harrison slammed his fists down on the desk.

You walked through the house you and Sommy were trying to make a home. It was hard to make a home when he was never at home. He worked a lot but he loved his job and sometimes you got to work with him. You were technically ‘a friend of the NYPD’ but the Special Victims Unit consulted you on cases where they needed psychological assistance or input from a professional on behavior.

You and Sonny didn’t get to spend much time together, not as much as you would’ve liked anyway, but he made sure every moment was special. He brought flowers and Chinese takeout home at three in the morning and you would watch a movie. You danced on the balcony at your old apartment. Every few months, he’d request a few days off and you’d would spend the weekend in a cabin upstate,the two of you.

You picked the mug out of the sink that Sonny must have used when he left for work that morning and poured yourself some coffee, looking around at the boxes in towering columns around your house.

Your house. You smiled, suddenly losing you bitterness towards your surroundings. You pictured a toddler, a little girl with Sonny’s eyes and your hair, your nose, his smile, slapping her bare feet against the hardwood. Your little fantasy was over when Ace came running down the hall, pounding down the hall, his giant paws making a sound similar to a herd of elephants. His tail was wagging furiously and he was showing all of his teeth. Sonny always called it Ace’s smile and he’d learned to do it on command. Sonny brought Ace home a year before, he found him on a bust and the dog was going to be taken to the pound otherwise.

You spent most of that morning the same way you had the past four mornings, unpacking boxes and signing for new deliveries.

Around 3 that afternoon, Sonny’s mother stopped by to drop off a dish full of leftovers from the dinner she had made for the two of you the night before. You hoped it was your lucky day and Sonny would call, wanting you to bring him lunch.

“Y/N,” she started in as she followed you to the kitchen. “The two of you have been here for four days and you haven’t unpacked yet?”

“Uhm...no.” Your voice was squeaky and cheerful, as it always had to be with her. “We’ve both been working.”

“Working? You’re home all day.”

“I have a job Mrs. Carisi.” You turned around with a huge smile on your face, trying not to react so she’d get bored and go home.

“You don’t have a real job. You went to school 12 years and for what?”

“My doctorate, Mrs. Carisi.” You gritted your teeth. She sighed.

“Don’t you have any clothes of your own? Everytime I show up, You’ve got on some lounge pants and a t-shirt of his, they don’t fit you,Y/N! He’s a skinny boy. He wasn’t skinny like that when he lived with me, you know.”

“Yes, well-“ you were interrupted by your phone ringing. It was Sonny. You snatched it up and answered it quickly.

“It’s Sonny.” You mouthed to his mother. “Hi, honey.”

“Hey, I’m going to take a break soon, think you could bring me lunch?”

“Yea sure, I’ll bring you some lunch.” Yoh answered in the same overly cheerful voice.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, honey I’m fine. It’s so funny you asked to bring lunch because your mother just dropped in to give us the leftovers from last night, isn’t that so nice?” You were hoping he would understand.

“Oh, I see.” He chuckled. “I’ll see you in a few babe. I love you. Tell Ma I love her.”

“I will. I love you too.” You looked at the background on your phone, you and Sommy acting like goofballs in an art museum.

“Well?” Mrs. Carisi demanded.

“Oh! Um- he told me to tell you thank you and that he loves you.” She smiled. “He asked me to bring him some lunch so, I have to go. Thank you Mrs. Carisi.” You grabbed your keys and headed for the door but she scoffed. “Is everything alright?”

“Aren’t you going to walk me out?” Her eyebrows raised in a power play. She knew her hold over her son and so indirectly, you .

“Of course, how could I forget?” You turned back, linking your arm with hers as you walked her back to her car and closed her door for her. You threw up both middle fingers as she drove around the corner.

You walked to the precinct, taking in the sun and the cool breeze.

You never knew what you would walk into when you went to spend Sonny’s break with him. But you always went when he asked.

“Hey, sweetheart.” Sonny kissed your head when he greeted you.

“I brought leftovers, your mom dropped them off at the house.” You followed him to the break room, saying hello to Sonny’s coworkers as you passed through the bullpen. “How has your day been?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. Dirt, scum, shit. I made a bust, really pissed off some big guys, apparently.” He shrugged his jacket off and sat down across the table from you.

“Dominick...” his hand wrapped around yours, trying to ask you not to worry, but he knew you always would.

“How’s your day been?” He was chewing already, covering his mouth as he spoke.

“Dirt, scum, shit.” You smirked.

“I’m sorry baby, what happened?”

“Nothing, I feel like just as I’m making any kind of dent in the boxes, more just show up. And your mom, god.”

“What, Ace isn’t helping you unpack?” He grinned back at me.

“No, he definitely helped me make a bigger mess than what there already was.”

“Sounds about right.”

“Mom giving you a hard time again?”

“Again? It never stopped.” You laughed.

“I’ll talk to her about it. She’s only like that ‘cause I’m her only son. You know? She doesn’t want me-“

“I want my lawyer!!!” There was a loud yelling coming from the office, so Sonny jumped to his feet, you following after him. “I want my fucking law- YOU! Carisi!” The man screamed, beginning to kick and bump against the two cops bringing him to the interrogation rooms right past the break room. “Is that your little bitch Carisi?” The man spat at you on his way past the doorway.

“That’s enough!” One of the cops warned.

“I’ll make sure the same thing happens to her that happened to those other girls!” He kept yelling until he was locked in a room himself. You didn’t think anything of it, when they brought in suspects, obviously most of them were usually very upset, cussing, throwing insults, making threats, and saying disgusting things like that.

“You okay baby?” Sonny turned around, grabbing your face in his hands, checking you, even though you’d never been touched.

“I’m fine.” You answered statically. “That’s the guy you pissed off, I’m assuming.”

“You’d be correct.” He sighed.

“Please just be careful, baby.” Begging for his own sake. Sonny was the type of man to run into a burning building to save a kitten, which meant he got himself into all kinds of predicaments. Sonny’s eyes glossed over, looking at you apologetically. “Sometimes I wish you were a librarian or something.” You joked just to hear him laugh.

“I gotta get back to work, doll. I love you.” Sonny placed a kiss on your forehead. “Be safe on your way home, okay? Text me.” He threw his trash away and gave you one last look before he left the break room.

Your house was several blocks from the precinct but you didn’t mind the walk. It’s easy to feel like you’re being followed on the sidewalk in New York, but you had a feeling in your gut that told you that you truly were being followed. You weaved through larger crowds and took a couple wrong turns, trying to shake the feeling but you ended up hailing a cab. The ride home calmed you down, and Ace’s presence when you got home was enough to put the whole thing completely out of your mind. You texted Sonny, plopping down on your bed, which was just a mattress on the floor, Just got home, hope you have a nice rest of your day. Be safe out there baby. I love you.

It was around 8 when you woke up from the nap you were taking to 9 missed calls from Sonny, one from Olivia, and one from Fin. You opened a voicemail from Sonny.

“Hey. The guy you saw at the precinct today, his name is Emmanuel Cost, he uh- he made bail. It’s probably nothing, just make sure you lock the doors okay? I love you.”

And then the next, “Hey sweetheart, just call me when you get this honey, okay? I’m just worried about you is all.”

“Y/N, you need to get out of the house now. Take Ace and go to my moms, alright? Nothing happened, no news, just want you to be safe, babe, I love you so much. Please call me back when you get this.”

You jumped when you heard a crash downstairs. You tried calling Sonny back with no answer so you left him a short message, trying to be as quiet as possible, you covered your mouth and the speaker with your hand. “Sonny, I think someone is in the house, I just heard a crash downstairs, don’t call me back, just get here, please.”

And then you called the police, creeping downstairs with your baseball bat and Sonny’s gun tucked into the back of your pants, hoping you wouldn’t have to use it. As you got closer to the bottom you heard someone rustling through the boxes and when you got to the bottom you peaked around the corner to see a tall, broad figure in the darkness going through my things. He was in the living room, which was connected to the dining room so when he turned his back you ran as silently as possible across the hall into the kitchen. you placed your bat silently on the mat in front of the stove, pulling the gun from behind yourself and snuck through to the dining room.

You held the gun up, aiming directly for his head and cocked it, obviously drawing the mans attention. “I don’t know who you are or what you want but my boyfriend is a cop and him and his friends are on their way, so I suggest you get the fuck out of my house.”

“So you’re the bitch, that detectives little old lady.” He sneered. “You gonna shoot me, puta?”

“If I have to.” you were shaking, your whole body was, but you couldn’t let him think you wouldn’t pull the trigger. You heard sirens in the distance. There was no promise they were coming to your house, not in New York, but you prayed they were. “Sounds like I won’t though. You’re going to jail.”

He took steps toward you, moving like a tiger stalking prey. “I’m not going to jail.”

“Stop, right there.”

He didn’t. He kept coming towards you until you were standing face to face, your gun inches from his forehead now. “You know what I could do with you?” You could see a sick smile in the moonlight. He squeezed your face so hard your jaw popped.

“You’re not doing shit with me.” You scoffed. Before you could blink, he had slapped the gun out of your hand and punched you in the face. You fought until he wrestled you to the floor, on top of you holding your hands down with one of his. He got out a pocket knife, obnoxiously flipping it open and dragging the blade across your cheeks.

“Qué hermosa.” His disgusting breath rolling into my face so you spit in his. “Fuck! Little bitch!” He leaned back, to wipe the spit off his face and you fought as hard as you could to get free, grabbing the gun just as he grabbed your ankle and yanked you back. You slung your arm around and banged the pistol across his face. He fell on his side and when he looked up, he saw you standing over him, a gun pointed at his face.

“Y/N!” You heard Sonny scream as he burst in the door, gun held high.

Other officers were yelling, identifying themselves as NYPD, all of them surrounding the man on the floor. But you couldn’t put the gun down, you could only stand there, frozen, tears starting to roll down my face. Sonny took the gun from your hands. “It’s okay baby. Come here.” He wrapped his arms around you, kissing my head. “Are you hurt?”

You shook your head, sobbing into his bulletproof vest. “C’mon baby let’s get you to the hospital okay?” Sonny hooked his arm under yours, around my back after he wrapped his windbreaker around your shoulders. The sirens outside screamed at you as you stepped outside with Sonny.

“Dominick,”

“I know baby. It’s okay. Let’s go, let’s just go.” He rode with you in the ambulance and sat with you in the room while the doctor stitched your forehead and checked you over.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about today, you know?” He said when the doctor left to do your paperwork.

“Sonny, please, it’s okay, really.” Yoh smiled softly at him, trying to make him feel better.

“No, J, it’s not okay. I-” his face turned red and his eyes started to water as he sat back in the chair he had pulled beside your bed. “I’ve been thinking for a while now.”

“Sonny…” You croaked. You thought he was going to tell you it was over, tell you he loved you but you couldn’t be together, he didn’t want to see you getting hurt. “Dominick, don’t do this.” He’d pushed you away before over minor incidents with suspects calling your phone, leaving threatening letters at your old apartment. You knew something like this would happen, it was bound to with your jobs, and you knew he would blame himself for it and you prayed he wasn’t pushing you away for good.

“Please, just let me finish.” he gave your hand a squeeze. “I love you baby.”

“I love you.”

“You are the most important thing to me and I want you to be safe.” he started. “I will do everything in my power to protect you for the rest of my life, so that nothing like this ever happens again.”

“Sonny-”

“Baby, I want you to marry me.”

“Dom, I- What?”

“Marry me,Y/N. I know this isn’t the most romantic thing I could’ve done.” he chuckled. “And I-I don’t have a ring, I’ll get you one, anything you want. But marry me.” he huffed it all out breathlessly.

“Y/N, Barba is here to ask a few questions.” Olivia appeared in the doorway with Rafeal. “Sorry, is now not a good time?”

“This is the best time.” You cried. “Yes!” You looked back to Sonny, tears falling quickly over your cheeks. “Of course I will, Sonny.”

“What’s going on here?” Barba stuttered. Sonny’s face was red and glowing.

“I’m gonna marry her!” Sonny exclaimed, his own tears drenching his face now. He stood up, looking back at them before he leaned over your bed, hugging me tightly.

“My ribs, baby, my ribs.” You grunted.

“Oh right.” He sniffled, straightening out his shirt. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Liv and Rafael both looked confused and slightly uncomfortable by Sonny’s outburst, Barba more so than Olivia.

“Well, congratulations.” She clapped her hands together.

He burst in the door, holding his chest and panting. You sprinted to him, trying to examine him, looking for blood or any sort of wound. “Doctor!”

“It’s time,” he panted, stumbling around the room, pressing buttons and pulling levers, setting a course for the TARDIS in earth's orbit. He stopped for a moment to look at you, “It’s time, Y/N. It’s time to say goodbye.”

“No.” You gasped. He had explained it to you before, what would happen. He would change, regenerate, that he would be different. He wouldn’t look the same and probably wouldn’t act the same way. He told you to expect it and it was always in the back of your mind. You thought about it sometimes. But you never thought it would be so soon. “I’m not ready, Doctor.” Your voice cracked as you put your hands on his chest, moving one to his cheek to draw his eyes to your own. “Please, don’t leave me.” You begged.

“I’m not leaving you Y/N.” He shook his head, his own tears forming. “I’ll be back.”

“But you’ll be different. You won’t be like this.” You sobbed. You tried taking all of him in at that moment. His sad brown eyes reflected yours, crazy hair and thin lips that somehow always held a smile and a grimace crookedly on his face. You rubbed your thumb over the stubble on his cheek that you always complained about when you kissed him. “You won’t be mine.” You kept your hand on his cheek as tears fell from both of you.

His body was growing warmer and began to shake. “I will.” He tried. He pulled you into a tight hug.

“You won’t be mine anymore!”

“I’ll always be yours.” He laughed through a sob. He was holding you tightly. “My Y/N.” He looked in your eyes. “My brilliant, brilliant Y/N.”

You’d been watching him on the monitors all day. You had never in your life wanted to hurt anyone in your life but you wanted to kill Harrison so bad you felt sick. You didn’t know what to say to him. You had the feelings, you just couldn’t put them into words, you couldn’t take it. You used to love that man, you trusted him, you gave him all of your secrets, your thoughts, you gave him all of you. Just to come to find that he killed your mom. He let you fall in love with him knowing damn well he was the reason you and your brother had grown up without a mother and your father in jail.

You found yourself stomping down to the metahuman jail, to the cell where he was held. The sight of him stopped you in your tracks. You’d been watching him on the screen all day but seeing him in person, just glass dividing the two of you… You had to stand still for a minute, look down at the tile and gather yourself.

“Y/N,” he started. The old, familiar, softness in his voice with which he had always greeted you and only you since the day you met.

“Don’t-” you croaked. “Don’t you dare, Harry.”

“Y/N, I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to grow to love you-”

“Please stop.” you sniffled. You were already crying.

“Y/N I can’t handle you looking at me that way.”

“You killed my mom, Harrison. How do you expect me to look at you?” you covered your mouth, taking a deep breath from your nose. “You knew this whole time what you did.”

“Y/N, I love you, I didn’t mean to but I do. I don’t know how else to explain myself. Yes, I knew what I had done to you, I knew the pain I had caused you when I met you but I-” he stopped. “I was blinded by you. I never expected to care, I only aimed to fake caring, I only wanted to get what I wanted from you and Barry, I just wanted to go home. But you showed me so much care, you believed in me, you- you made me feel something other than hatred, Y/N, I never meant to hurt you.”

“What did you think was going to happen Harry? Did you think I was going to find out that you murdered my mom and sent my dad to prison and just… not care? Because you love me? I always knew you were selfish, Harrison, I always knew, but this is a whole new level. Even for you.”

“Sorry really doesn’t cut it this time, Harry.”

“Do you still love me?” he asked as you walked away.

You stopped and looked back. “I wish I didn’t, Harry.”