I know no one uses this anymore, but sometimes you just need to scream into the void.
My partner, my love, the beautiful man that I was going to spend my whole life with passed away on October 7th.
I really thought that maybe things would start to feel a little better by now, but every day is so fucking hard.
I donāt know how to deal with this. I donāt know how to be okay. This is the most unfair situation and every day I wake up, I feel so angry and helpless that I canāt fix this. I canāt help him. I just wish I could switch places with him so bad. And I donāt say that in an alarming ways, itās just...he wanted to live so bad. He wanted to much out of life and he deserved it. And here I am. Never caring and up until him, never seeing much of a future for myself anyway. He was the one who, years ago, told me that one day I would want to be a mother. Of course I told him āno, neverā. Little did I know, a few years later, I wanted nothing more than for him to be the father of my children. I donāt know. I know itās selfish for me to wish things were different because I would never want him to experience the pain that I feel every day.
I think I struggle so much because Iāve never had a concept of what the afterlife means to me. My whole life, I was okay with thinking death was the end and thatās it. Then your worm food. But Iām not okay with that finality when it comes to my man. I will never be okay with thinking that heās just done and he will never experience a single thing ever again. I donāt even know if Iām okay with the idea of āseeing him again one dayā. Like, what am I supposed to do with that? Grow old, live a life, and then eventually go see and thank my 26 year old boyfriend for everything he did, knowing that he was supposed to have that life with me??? I just canāt. ļæ¼
Iām afraid Iāll never be okay
