Balam Kan Has Come Alive

So so competent. I love you and respect you. Beautiful boy shining lamp living tree

Day two of dumping my random yearn reminders / urge to tell him here, on a blog he doesn’t check, instead of telling him directly.

Just put it here. Jesus, messiah, I yearn for you and want to know You and be friends with You. Please help us manage our mortal love and protect him and shield him please.

He loves You so much and when we love each other through You, it’s…increíble. Amazing. A completely different creature than loving each other without God.

You made this love possible, please continue to help us through it, even though I don’t deserve it

Yeshuaaa please please take it easy on me, Your portents are deeply sacred and so intense 😭 I’m just a girl I’m just a random girl. I love You my whole life but I need to be stronger to accept and carry the beautiful, beautiful and extremely heavy / intense weight you have blessed me with.

Please please make me stronger and grittier and more controlled with loving people, romantically or platonically or whatever. I have to stop finding a husband shaped hole in the days you bless me with so I can be … just Yours. It’s just you and me right now, boss.

Jesus Christ messiah creator love of my spiritual life: can this count as a prayer? I hope so. Te amo

Amen

^. Practicing impulse control by dumping those sentiments in a place he doesn’t check instewd of putting those words in front of his eyeballs

This blog is a resource for not showing all your cards. I also find it helpful, paradoxically, to say that I love him detachedly. If we never meet again, I still feel so much respect and love and artsy encohramenr from him.

Shamelessly vague on purpose. I love you so much and I don’t even really know what that means. Grief is just love with nowhere to go and I would rather navigate grief than go through life with no capacity to love others selflessly. To love flawed people like God loves us, flaws and all. We don’t deserve his love. It’s infinite and sparkling regardless.

I love you so much. It’s important to me that you know that there are people in the world who can love you unconditionally, non-transactionally, from a distance. I love you so fking much. I don’t need anything from you I just want you around, I want to express it, privately even when it stings and feels insane. I love you so much. It hurts to hold this much love. It’s heavy. It feels urgent but I know it’s not. I’m just…

I don’t know. My brain is scrambled. I have fully given up on trying to control things.

I’m scared for my Monday journey. I need to file an emergency order of protection because as much as it hurts my ego to admit this, I am sincerely afraid of my ex and his family. I am torn up and dealing with the onslaught that comes when you name abuse and I’m just…tired. I’m so tired.