with you, cursed or not

Dang. Damn it. Damn it!! Language, my ass.

cas’ best qualities…

i searched so hard to find the name/real title of this on so many websites and even shazam-ed it. only found one place that listed an instrumental song (a way of life by hans zimmer from this website: https://www.tunefind.com/show/supernatural/season-15/94399 - could not find mention to this anywhere else)

i listened to the “original” song and truthfully to me, it did not sound exactly it is from the same arrangement. the fact that you transcribed makes me SO INCREDIBLY happy and give life to this somewhat unknown little beautiful ditty

 #TWO TIMES CAS NOT JUST CONFESSED HIS DEEPEST SECRETS TO DEAN #BUT IN DOING SO ALMOST PLACED HIS LIFE IN HIS HANDS #DO YOU REALIZE THE SHEER AMOUNT OF TRUST IT TAKES #FOR AN ANGEL TO CONFESS TO HAVING DOUBTS AND QUESTIONS #OR FOR A BROKEN DEPRESSED INDIVIDUAL TO ADMIT TO FEELING SUICIDAL #CASTIEL HAS ONLY EVER REACHED OUT TO ONE PERSON LIKE THIS #AND THAT’S DEAN #SO YEAH MAYBE DEAN GOT TO REALIZING AND VOCALIZING I NEED YOU BEFORE CAS DID #BUT THE FEELING IS MUTUAL AND RECIPROCAL #HAS ALWAYS BEEN #LIFE RUINERS OF THE HIGHEST CALIBER™ 

notahammer:

Love of My Life, Don’t Leave Me

(If you had not fallen, then I would not have found you, angel flying too close to the ground.)

Instead, they are sitting side by side at the table in the kitchen, having a couple beers. Dean just made a joke that Cas didn’t understand, so Dean had to explain it. Cas nods, but doesn’t say anything. He certainly doesn’t laugh.

Still Dean knows him too well to be frustrated anymore, so he shakes his head and takes a drink of his beer.

The silence is lengthy but comfortable. Cas frowns at the table, brow drawn together, like he’s still trying to piece together the joke. It’s adorable, in that Cas kind of way.

Cas’s hands are on flat on the table, framing his beer bottle. Dean reaches out and takes one in his. He doesn’t even have to think about it. And then its no big deal, just Cas’s hand in his, fingers lacing together.

Cas’s features smooth over. His frown softens. He leans forward. “I still don’t understand the joke.”

“Yeah, I know, Cas. It’s okay.”

Cas hums. Dean squeezes his hand and Cas starts to smile.

When the night wears on and they’ve finished their beers, they leave them on the table and walk down the hall together. Dean’s bedroom is closest, and they stop just outside, still holding hands.

Dean hitches his thumb towards his door. “You wanna?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah?”

Cas nods.

“Okay. Okay, good.” Dean leads Cas into his bedroom, closes the door behind them.

And why would an angel rescue me from Hell? Good things do happen, Dean. Not in my experience. You guys aren’t supposed to be there. You’re not in this story. Yeah, well… We’re making it up as we go. I’m hunted. I rebelled. And I did it, all of it, for you. What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one. Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family – that you are like a brother to me. I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you. But we were family once. I’d have died for you. I almost did a few times. Don’t make me lose you too. You used to fight together. Bestest of friends, actually. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost. Sorry, but I’d rather have you, cursed or not. I prayed to you, Cas, every night. Cas, buddy, I need you. I know you’re in there. I know you can hear me. Cas, we’re family. We need you. I need you. You gave us order, Castiel, and we gave you our trust. Don’t lose it over one man. No. I can’t. His true weakness is revealed. He’s in love with humanity. Everyone you know, everyone you love… they could be long dead. Everyone except me. But you’re always there, you know? You’re the best friend we’ve ever had. You mean too much to me. To everything. You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you. It’s a gift. You keep those. We’ve lost everything. And now you’re gonna bring him back. It’s good to have you back. Just don’t get dead again.  But I swear, if he did something to her, if she is – Then you’re dead to me. Dean, you asked, what about all of this is real? We are. You used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you can barely look at me. I know you’re sorry, Cas. I already apologized to you. You just refused to hear it. I left, but you didn’t stop me. Cas? Cas, I hope you can hear me… that wherever you are, it’s not too late. I should’ve stopped you. You’re my best friend, but I just let you go. Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. And I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry it took me till now to say it. Cas, I’m – I’m so sorry. I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me.

it never comes and, eventually, that fear fades away.

it fades with every morning he wakes to see castiel’s sleeping form beside him. it fades with every kiss to the temple with no motive other than reverance. it fades with every smile and every fight and every year.

he’s never been so comfortable, but castiel makes it easy.

he doesn’t feel guilty or hurt or empty.

he feels safe. he feels warm. he feels loved.