Dear Diary, 일기장에게

Since I have reached character limit on the other post, time for a new one!

8 June

As always, I have been meaning to talk to him all day but I've been very shy, it's been nearly a month since we last talked kasi 🤣 I was over at GG's desk for a really long time at around 3pm and I really wanted to talk to him then but he was talking to his colleagues so I didn't want to interrupt.

Then at 4.30pm ish, I walked over to his area and saw he wasn't there so I went to the kitchen instead and saw GG. I told him about my dilemma (me wanting to talk to him but he wasn't there) then he told me how he was shocked at how old he was. He thought he was only 22 🤣 (like Vanessa 🤣 does he really give off young kid vibe? It's defo the youngest child syndrome 🤣). He said that BCB wants to move out, at least by the time he is 30. Which is fair. Let's go imma move out with you, live in CHAR.

Then GG saw that he returned to his desk and I should go over now. 🤣 Thanks for the support 🤣 but... I didn't end up going though but I ran into the IG QA and we walked to the lockers, she asked me how I was and I told her how I'm mustering the courage to talk to someone THEN OUT OF NOWHERE I SAW HIM EMERGE FROM THE SHADOWS AND GO TO THE BINS. I was shook, we locked eyes and said hello to each other and I walked up to him. Told him "you want cookies?" "What are they? Chocolate chip" then he was a bit hesitant to take them and asked "baka yan ung nung isang araw?" I told him "no! I baked them last night" 😂 so he took one and we started talking further. He asked me how "ate mary" was. I told him he's really sick, found swelling in her stomach and had sonogram, sabi nya "buntis?" Sabi ko "baka" and we laughed haahah he was so fidgety when we were talking tho, like shaking his legs, i don't wanna overthink but ya know 😂 then I told him how I've only been gone for 2 weeks because I had a panic attack but feels like a year with all the changes. He thought I was out of Ireland, he saw my stuff (but you didn't like them hmmmpp) then he told me about his Italy trip, how he was annoyed because the main reason he went to Italy was for F1 but it was cancelled because of the flooding, then he said how it was raining all the time and he was jealous how everyone in Ireland was sunbathing. But it was sunny on their last day. Then I told him "narinig mo na lilipat daw tayo 1st of September?" He said he has and I told him official comms next week and that we all have to be in Sandyford by 4th September. I also told him that I don't know how they're going to move our PCs and all. He said, he wouldn't mind it because he'll get paid to do nothing 🤣 But he said he wants to leave this shithole in the next 3 months because the last 3 months have been very difficult with him. I agreed with him and said "kaya nga nag mental health leave ako" 🤣 but yeah the pressure has been real in work. I hope his mental health is okay tbh. We just parted ways then. He thanked me for the cookies "thanks te!" STOP ATE ZONING ME 😂

Then at around 5:30, I went back to GG, talked a bit and he said he had a case for Chad's product and he needed help. BCB used to work for Chad's product so I told GG "why don't you ask BCB?" so he did and I stayed while he helped GG. He seems so knowledgeable though and really knew what he was talking about. Love that 🤣 then GG told me "you know he did 40 cases yesterday??" I was shook. GG went back to his desk and I asked him how the cookies were, he gave me "👌🏻" hand gesture and said they're good. I told him I am the cookie queen 😂 (GG agreed my cookies were good while walking back) I told him he should have tried my mystery cookie, he said I should bring it the next time. He's not a sweet person daw kasi cos his mom has diabetes and his Dad died of diabetes, I said "aww. Diabetes really runs in the Filipino genes." He said it's all the rice etc. Then he showed me American Guy alien and how it looks like Filipinos- with all the beer and rice. I told him I was reading this book and how rice has arsenic and could kill you. He just laughed. Then I asked him how he was still alive after doing 40 cases. I joked and said "baka passes lang yang cases mo" Then He said it was the WSIs in their product and how he was part of s group that was in charge of merging to the task, in total, they probably did 200 cases among them. Work has truly been crazy. Then I said my farewell "I'm going to study".

That's the end of our interaction today 😂 But I'm very happy. I didn't think he would share about his dad tbh. I've always wondered what happened to him but kudos to him for sharing. It's probably not easy to. I told my seastar how I want to ask him if he has any guys for my seastar but I didn't get a chance to, let's build rapport muna ulit. Then I also imagined that maybe I can ask him if he has anyone for me too and maybe he'll be like "ako na lang kaya?" HAHAHAHAHA bro please let's date 🥹Oh GG showed me his roster and I saw that BCB will be off next week for a long weekend. His sister mentioned a family trip for their mom's 60th so idk if that was it. 😂 Anyways, I still need to discern how to ask him out. But I hope we can still be friends even if he rejects me. I think we can get along tlga huhu 😭 I told my seastar what happened with the cookies and she was like "wow progress" 😂 but aaahhhhh

.....

9 June

Our interaction was a bit late today because I had so much meetings and everytime I wanted to talk to him, he was always talking to someone else.

So at around 1pm ish, I went to grab water at our water cooler. Then I saw him go to the meeting room beside it for a team meeting. He said hi and asked how I was etc. Very casual all talk.

Then I went over at his again at nearly 5. I usually just stand when I am talking to him but this time I decided to sit beside him. I had 2 cans of Mango Aloe Vera with me. Firstly I asked him "kamusta" etc and he was like "balita". I asked him if he's tried the mango, he said he has 2 at home but he prefers the green one, i said same hahaha. I told him my brother wanted me to get some.

Then i told him about the Filipino weirdo in his team. "narinig mo ung nangyari dyan kanina?" Backstory, I was over at GG's desk and this weirdo just randomly came over and was all up my face, asking me weird questions. He said like he's like that but just don't mind him etc i spoke to him in tagalog hahaah he said even my ex bff's hubby don't like him. Then he kept getting called for help so it was so annoying hahaha. Then i heard he was working on IF today and I asked him why, I heard their backlog is done. He said they had a bug where the case statuses were being changed by the bot so he was asked to work on it for the day.

Then i asked him if he's working weekend, he said no, and asked about me, i said no i asked him what his plans were but he said "oh wait you're a QA" we got interrupted for help then when he came back, he was like "I'd be a great QA won't I?" Sabi ko I'll help you 😂

Then we talked about Br*hian being QA. He said he's happy for him. But I said I really wanted Mary to get it. He asked me how Br*hian is as a TL. He thought "the really tall lady" was the QA lead. Then how they wont backfill Al*nnah's role. He asked me when her last day is etc. He's worried about who his qa will be.

Then he saw his colleague had cetrine and he asked for one. I told him my eyes have been itchy cos of hayfever 😂

I wanted to ask him for lunch yeah so I asked him if he's still on lates next week, he said yeah so I'll wait til he is on the earlies 😂

Then our convo just died and i told him to enjoy his weekend and he said "enjoy your weekend too"

I had dinner with my seaster and Vane and I told them I'll give him my mystery cookie flavor. Vane said I should step back after giving him cookies and see if he does something in return and if there's nothing, I should explore my options. But I really do want to take the risk. If not now, when? I don't want us to end up like Chad where I felt if I did something sooner, we could've explored our connection but maybe I was just delusional 😂

....

10 June

I had a dream that he replied to my story (about me hurting my feet) on IG (for the first time) with the following:

"Where did you hurt your feet?

Oh I went to the shop today (inside Rise on The Cove) and enjoyed it!

Thank you for the recommendation!"

Hahhaah ok xD

.....

13 June

Another day, another landi moments with BCB.

So I baked miso and almond butter cookies to give to him. I've been busy today so I specifically planned when to go to his desk.

At around 4.30, I went over to him and was like "uy parang seryoso ka dyan ha" i think he laughed, asked me how I was and I said I was having an existential crisis, he asked why and I said I just didn't want to be here anymore ahahah

Then I plopped the cookies on his desk. I didn't tell him what the flavour is but I told him it's not too sweet. He was guessing if it was ginger cookies because of the color but I told him it's obscure and only 1 person has been able to guess what it is so I'll be really surprised if he gets it 😂 - he was laughing when I said "obscure" 😂 - I gave him 3 para "i like you" charrrrrr

Then I asked him if he's seen the lunch for Thursday. He didn't know there was a group where they post menu for the whole week. So I told him to search for thr group and when he saw the menu, he was surprised. It was a Filipino themed lunch and he was laughing at pancit canton. He asked me "okay lang ba videohan toh?" I said yeah since it's not sensitive info. He said he wanted to send it to his "ate" but it looks like he sent it to his family GC. One of the menu item is Picadillo and I asked him if he knows what it is - he didn't and I explained it to him.

He started looking up the desserts - silvanas and I told him it's like sans rival. He also looked up buko pandan (like you dont know? 😂) And said that people might not like them because kf how it looks. He also questioned what kind of Mango they'll use on the Mango Tomato salad and whether it is the sour one hahaah

So I was gonna ask him to have lunch together eventually but I told him we were thinking of having lunch with the Filos and he was like "we should have a table dedicated to us" ahahha I was gonna ask him if he's down to have lunch when he's on the early shift but it's so hard to bring it up.

He asked me about M*ry and how she is. He still has not sent her a message and asked if we have been talking. I told her she's online shopping and asking me my opinion on what to get in Michael Kors 😂 He said "typical but as long as she is okay"

He then told me he doesn't want to work anymore "tangina" ako din, ako din 😂

Then i asked him if he's seen the timeline of when we're moving, he said he hasn't so i told him to look for it on our workplace and he did.

I just left him then, he said thanks for the cookies and he'll let me know. KELAN FAM? Through IG? In person? He better do because I'm curious if he will get it 😂

Cute nya today though, wearing a white striped shirt yieeeee, i wish i could compliment him like that but I'm shy 😂 so let's just joke around ng konti 😂

Mag papamiss ako bukas and we'll see if maalala nya 😂

...

14 June

So nag pa miss muna ako today, para hindi nya na din mahalata na xa lang kinakausap ko etc

But anyways, couple outfits kami 😂 black and white ensemble. Cute pa din nya nakakainis.

I saw him in our MK at around 2pm. We were like 15 ft apart but idk if he saw me so we didn't really get to talk today. Which is g, can't show him that I'm always/too available 😂

But I wonder if he remembers the cookies? I'm off on Friday so I might just talk to him on Monday 😂 but i really wanna have lunch with him 😭

....

15 June

So it was Filo food today in work. I wasn't going to talk to him but I was in his area talking to GG so I just did.

I asked him if he ate and what he thought. He said "oh that's definitely not Filipino food" 😂 We talked about the buko pandan not being good and he even had his cup to show me he's only eaten 1/4 of it. I told him how I had lunch with the Filos and how one of them said there's a lot of chewing involved when there shouldn't be 😂 Intold him silvanas was good tho, he asked "the meringue cookie?" he agreed.

Also his outfit was good today again, black button down, opened and he had a white tshirt inside. HE'S BEEN LOOKING GOOD THIS WEEK AND IT'S TUGGING ON MY HEARTSTRINGS 🥹🥹🥹 I wish I could compliment him.

Then i asked him if he figured out my cookie flavor, he said he didn't so he asked and I told him it was miso and almond butter. He was like "miso? As in the soup? No that's not miso" then I said well miso soup has a lot of components 😂 but he said "i enjoyed it tho, thanks!" Then I told him I'm glad he did. I'm so annoyed tho, I should have told him i like experimenting because of my future cafe plans ahhaha

He told me he is off for 4 days and that he's looking forward to it. I asked him PTO or normal day off, he said PTO, he was supposed to go back to Italy but said it wasnt worth it to spend €1,000 in 2 days. I heard him say "8 thousand" so I was like "8k?? What kind of vacation do you go to 😂" Turns out he said "a thousand" 😂 I think there's something weird going on at home cos it's his mom's birthday weekend and he chose not to go. Also the fact that his mom didn't greet him on his birthday. My intuition is always right I'm telling you 😂

Then we parted ways there since I had nothing else to say, so told him "enjoy your day" and he said the same to me 😂 I was gonna go back but I didn't. 😂 But I did see he is off first 2 weekends in July and those are the weekends I wanna ask him out. I hope his schedule doesn't change. I kinda also wish we could try Escape Room again so we can spend more time outside work kinda thing before I ask him out.

I wish he's on earlies next week so I can ask him to have lunch or something 🥹🥹🥹 Anyways, need to start Novena next week and discern if I really wanna ask him out for coffee.

....

19 June

So today was an interesting one. We were on the bus together and when he got on, we locked eyes and I was sitting at the back 😂

Then we got off the bus together, I said hey and so did he.

After breakfast, he was at his QA's desk just as I was walking back to mine. We said hey again hanggang dun na lang kami. Pa-introvert kasi ate nyo today 😂

We didn't really interact much today. I haven't started my Novena yet but I have decided to not ask him out for coffee just yet. I think I'll end up in Congress still discerning about this. I told Mary about my plan and she told me not to do it because we don't talk privately. She said I should build that connection first, otherwise, things may get awkward between us. She said I should send him memes and all but how? I think once we talk more about what we're into, I guess these things will come naturally. I do want to get to know him more as a person, even if it is just friendship. I think he's a really good guy and I've always wanted a guy best friend. Vanessa agrees that I should let this connection grow, to be more present around him and all. Wait a month to see if there's something there and then maybe ask him out. I'll let the winds blow our sails and see where it takes us. At this point, he probably only sees me as a colleague and nothing more so I should make an effort to change that.

I gave people ube crinkles today and Mary offered him some but he said he doesn't like ube 😂 and that's shocking. He said he likes basic flavours because he's a basic bitch. 😂 Okay fam 😂 Then Mary said how I'm such a great baker that he should hire me for his future cafe, but he said he already has someone else in mind. BADUM TSSS 😂

Then after his lunch, I bumped into him going to the bathroom, we exchanged hellos, he asked me "you good" and also asked him the same 😂 I thought keeping my distance would be the way to go but I will hit the reset button on our connection and try to be more playful. I might start calling him kuya 😂 and if he does dress up nicely this week, I'll joke around "aba parang effort ng suot ngayon ha, sino pinopormahan natin dyan?" Or something like that 😂

Oh and he got recognised as an Escalation Champion in work today 😂 i wanted to tease him about it but I'll do it tomorrow like "wow, ginalingan mo ha 😂" or something

We're still gonna go ahead with our escape room and I'll ask him etc 😂

Also I hope I can ask him for lunch this week or something.

But Lord, I leave this all up to you. Please remind that Your plans are greater than mine.

....

22 June

So it's been a while since we properly spoke to each other because I'm a chicken 😭 so today, I did my usual, go to GG and then to him.

So I go to him "musta?" Then I teased him about his recognition sabi ko "wow ginalingan nya" tumawa lang xa 😂 but he said thanks naman 😂

Our convo was very dry today honestly, i asked him how he was and he said nothing new etc. Then i asked him if he's on lates or earlies next week, he said he's back on lates for 2 weeks. I asked him if he fought for it and he said he's not bothered WFM is shit. And i hate myself kasi I wanted to have lunch with him sometime. I should have said "ay sayang, lunch sana tayo." Always missed opportunities 😭 He asked me if we (QAs) are busy, I said kinda lol na miss mo ako noh? Di kita nakakausap ng mabuti noh 😂

Then i asked him how he feels about the new monthly schedules. He said they gave them a feedback form but they're not going to read it anyway. He said gusto na nya umuwi, I feel you 😂 He asked me ano ginagawa ng QAs nila cos he hasn't gotten an audit in a while. I told him I am not sure who he's assigned to cos I don't have access to our file. He asked if the assignment changes every month but I said if really depends. He said he doesn't care about his quality anymore cos quantity na lang sinasabi sakanila. Then I expressed feelings of quitting sabi ko mag ddole na lang ako and he said last resort nya daw un. bsta our convo was so dry so I asked him "baka iniistorbo na kta dyan ha", he said hindi daw 😂 pero I said bye na din cos I had a meeting to go to.

We'll see if kausapin ko xa bukas cos GG is off. I'll think about it. 😂

.....

23 June

So we didn't really talk today because I was dressed like Bianca and she's an introvert 😂

Buttttt I have an embarrassing story to tell. I was at the trainer's area cos of Vanessa, it was empty and there I was dancing to Black Eyed Peas' My Humps. Then I look up and sees him walking to the QA area for his QA. SO EMBARRASSING 😂

But he was dressed really nicely today 😭 Pano ko ba xa aasarin? Huhuhu

I am still contemplating whether I should ask him out... 😭

...

26 June

I am surrendering everything to God and going with the flow. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I'm sick of being the only one putting in the effort. Like I said, he probably only thinks of me as a colleague/a QA and that's okay.

I'll let Jesus take the wheel. Maybe it is also a calling for me to refocus my energy in work in making sure that I truly deserve to be the next Senior QA.

Lord, kayo na po bahala. I trust You and your plans for me.

......

28 June

So I actually planned to ask him out today but I postponed that.

But I think it's time I let go. I was speaking to him and we were talking about his schedule and I slipped in "lunch tayo paminsan" and he was like "ha?" Or "what" I cannot remember so I repeated myself and he was just silent. It was so awkward so I just said bye and he said "sige bye ingat".

So Jesus, take the wheel 😂 honestly I don't care at this point, I'm up for promotion again and maybe that's where I'm called for. Que sera sera, baka sa congress ko pa makilala ang para sakin. 😂

...

29 June

So I practically ignored him today but I did see him very briefly.

I posted Ben&Ben's new song on my story at around 00:08 (it is 00:39 right now) and he's already viewed it, he's at the top too. It's a parinig song to him actually 😂 LIKE HOY ANO BA 🥹🥹🥹

Yoko na

.....

30 June

I have been thinking lately, I think there's been a major shift in our conversations for a while now. Like before, we would be talking really well but it seems he hasn't been telling me things. It is so hard to get to know him BAKIT BA. I wonder if nakutuban na xa if I like him or what. Like....??? Did anyone tell you? 😂

I mean over na ako let's move on bye. Di ko na tlga xa kakausapin, I will not go near his area anymore 😂

....

6 Jul

So today, for the first time in 1 week we were in close vincinity(?). Like during lunch, I passed by him but I ignored him 😂 I mean he could have said hey if he wanted to. Bakit ako na lang lagi nag iinitiate ng conversation dba?

We were both wearing beige tho 😂

We'll see if we talk to each other again. I mean sabi ko if he says hi then I'll also say hi pero kung ayaw nya edi wag 😂

.....

7 Jul

So he hasn't viewed any of my stories today, baka may iba na xang pinopormahan 😂 it's whatever 😂

UPDATE: 00:36 - HE VIEWED MY FIRST STORY AND THEN EXITED THE REST 😂

....

12 July

I handed in my notice on Monday with no job prospects. I was just done. But anyways, I think I will slowly talk to him again and eventually ask him out on my last day, 1st of September, that is if he's still around 😂 whatever happens, bahala na. Missed opportunities hurt more than rejection. I want to close my Accenture chapter with no regrets and what ifs.

....

14 July

So I talked to him today after 2 weeks. I offered him cookies but he declined saying na he's stomach is not in good shape 😂 okurrr, then I asked him how are things but we've really just been talking about work lately. He said they're not busy daw etc and then I asked him if he's gonna do overtime cos the Philippine team got food poisoning and need coverage for 4 days. He said he'll do it on Monday and I asked him "why??" He said he needs the money cos he's going to the Philippines next year. i think fair enough 😂 but I told him about the conspiracy na they're gonna introduce those shifts eventually. I can't remember na but I asked him again if he wants cookie but he still didn't want so I just said bye to him 😂

But idk, should I let go? I think I'll just continue to discern about this and see. I told a close colleague about this and she's like he's a good man by not accepting the cookies etc etc as to not lead me on but honestly, idk. Then I told my seastar about how our convo was dry etc. She asked me how I feel and I told her i feel good that i was able to talk to him etc. She asked if I should continue with it or not but it's a reflection that I have to make for myself. I'll pray for this because at the end of the day, how can I end something that has not even started?

Lord, please show me the way. 🥹

....

17 July

Okay, so today was a rollercoaster of emotions. The usual, IG QA and I would walk to the MK together via his section. While we were walking, I asked her: Should I give up? THEN I KID YOU NOT HE EMERGES FROM THE SHADOWS AGAIN LIKE BEFORE. I said hey as we were walking past him but I couldn't hear an audible "hey" back from him. But idk, IS THIS A SIGN GOD? Huhuhu please don't play with me 😭😭😭

I bumped into him during lunch but we didn't exhange pleasantries.

Then he usually don't view my stories quick lately but today, he viewed my story within 30 mins. Idk I'm always overthinking this.

IG QA also tells me that I seem bougie and maybe I'm scaring him off. See, I may love my brands and all but I'm really not as high maintenance as people perceive me to be. I am high maintenance for myself but I do not expect anyone to buy this and that for me because I am contented with doing that for myself.

I told Vane of what happened in fhe morning and she told me I should really let go. I told her of my plan to ask him out on my last day but she was really against that. At the moment, he doesn't seem like the type to want a relationship and knowing me, I wouldn't date just for fun. She told me, when men wants a relationship, it will show. Vane also really wants the best for me. I'm not saying that he's out of my league but it would be nice to not have all the what ifs.

That being said, this area of my life will be one of things I will pray for during Congress and I hope that God will give me clear signs and intervention. I am ready to let go if it is the Lord's will. I just hope thay BCB would make the effort sometimes too.

Hay Lord, I know when the time is right, You will make it happen.

I'm off until the 27th of July and hopefully by then I'll be more at peace.

.....

30 July

So last weekend, I was in Vienna for the EYSC and I really prayed for this connection, whether I should keep on chasing or let it go.

I feel God really told me to let it go and that it's not time for me yet. Final na tlga toh. I am not going to force it if it's not God's will tlga. It's sad to let go of something that hasn't even started but I know God has plans for me and for him na din. I wish him happiness because he seems like a good guy.

I also went to Salzburg to meet up with my INFJ sister and she affirmed to me that I should "attract and not chase". God really does speak to us through other people sometimes and it's wonderful.

Lord, I leave everything up to you. This may not be my time yet for a love life but I know breakthrough is coming if I put my trust in you. Amen.

...

10 August

I didn't really want to update this anymore but...

Yesterday, I was over at GG's desk and it was someone's last day on their team and there was a card going around, BCB had it and he came around to ask if everyone has signed it. He went over to GG but didn't say hi to me, but I also did not look at him. At first, this really made me feel bad for myself but one of my colleagues, reassured me that it's a 2 way street, he should have also said hey. And I hate overthinking but he definitely knows I like him/has a crush on him. I mean I am not bothered anymore but I think it just sucks.

I think it's hard not to think about these things when he still views my stories. Like skip me na lang please.

**update -- I found out from GG that he's leaving. He got a job as an IT Support for a Law Firm in the Docks. Bro, get me a trainee solicitor job will you 😂 jk

.....

22 August

I turned 28 yesterday. But he didn't greet me or acknowledged any of my posts.. haaayy.

Anyways... so IG QA and I would always walk his area going to the Micro kitchen. Then IG QA was looking over at him and apparently, as I was walking, his gaze was following me. I hate it so much, like you haven't been paying attention to me and now you are? Then it happened again during the afternoon. Lord, why are you doing this to me?

Then just before home time, I went to the bathroom and as I was exiting the women's, he was entering the men's and he audibly said "hello" to me. Ngl, I was smiling the entire time I was walking back to my desk.

Lord, naman, if there's still something there, please give me a clear sign because I really hate this overthinking. I just want peace of mind and happiness. 🥹 Ready na talaga ako mag let go eh, pero if may chance pa talaga, I want to know 🥹

....

23 August

Is the Lord testing me again? Honestly, if may crush xa sakin then sabihin nya na before it's too late, we can give it a try.

....

25 August

So he said "morning" to me today, as in with matching eye contact. He went to the QA lift and he turned around to me And he is still watching me as I walk past his area, or at least glancing at me.

Maybe I am attracting na? 😂 But Lord, please allow him to do something if there's something there.

He only has 3 more working days left in the office. I mean maybe he'll reach out on IG? 😂

But honestly, who knows when or if we'll ever cross paths again. Unless his sister plans a get together at her house or something but idt I'll ever bump into him in town or the likes.

Hay Lord, are you testing me again?

.....

29 August

So nakapag usap kami today after nearly 3 months. I mean kasalan ko naman un kasi nilayuan ko xa.

But not the point, he still keeps on staring at me everytime i walk past his area and this started after birthday ko. Srsly, am I atttacting and type mo na ba ako? 🥹

Tapos todayyyy, he was doing shadowing dun sa room malapit sa area namin, IG QA needed it for a certain hour but in the end she had to cancel so tinawag nya si BCB to come out of the room and nandun ako sa gilid so I could hear some of their convo. Tagal nila nag usap and IG QA was shook at how talkative he is. Then she goes to me "did you hear?? He was asking for you! He said "Is Bianca leaving?" with matching pointing to my area daw". Then IG QA said yes and my last day is Friday. I really thought IG QA brought it up out of nowhere but she said it was him who brought it up.

Then like 1.5 hours later? He came over to my desk and said "you're leaving?" I said yes and he asked me where I was going. I told him "Department of Social Welfare" then all of the QAs started laughing and IF (Tul*o) QA turns around to him "AKA the Dole". By this time, I thought he got the joke but it looks like he didn't because he asked me if I would be handling money, I joked and said yeah. He told me he needs €1000 a month so I said "sure". He asked me when I'll start sabi ko I haven't applied yet and I need to go to the GP to tell them I left because of the toxicity so I can get the money, he asked me for my role, sabi ko "tambay", then he was like "wait, that's an actual role??" I told him, "wala tlga akong trabaho beh" TINAWAG KO TLGA XANG BEH?? MORTOOOO!!! 😂😂 I did drop the "bruh" bomb at one point too. I told him how this place really affected my mental health kaya I decided to quit. He was probably judging me deep down for not having a job lined up 😂

I asked him about his last day, sabi nya bukas. (I mean I already knew this 😂) I asked him where he was going and he said "Beauchamps, across the river" and I asked, "that's a law firm right?" He goes "yeah it is!" I congratulated him for leaving this place and he said he's getting out of prison or dungeon ba un? 😂 He said he's starting next Monday. He asked me what my plans were and I said "I have exams." He told me "oh exams? What exams?" I said I was completing exams to train as a solicitor. He was surprised "Oh you wanna be a solicitor? Did you do law in college?" I said "yes and I wasted 5 years here 😂". He told me I should apply sa new company nila YIE GUSTO MO MAG KA WORK ULIT TAYO? 😏 then I told him how I probably have since I've applied to so many law firms and all 😂Then I invited him to my leaving party on Friday but he said they already have one kasi there's 5 of them leaving AWWW but, I hope we can keep in touch and maybe lumabas din kami? 😂

He said he is going to make friends with the solicitors there and ask if what they're doing here is illegal and sue them. Sabi ko sama ako dyan haahah then he left and our convo died.

But all throughout our interaction, HE WAS REALLLLYYYY FIDGETY. As in he would swing his lanyard around, putting on his neck here and there, using it like nunchucks. Like are you nervous? 🥹 sige na, ask me out let's give this a try 😂 but also, I was really taken aback when I saw him come at me. I was standing up cos I think I was talking to Wal*ce and when I turned around, I saw him and he wanted to talk to me. I swear, I was so nervous and nabubulol, we haven't spoken in nearly 2 months and first time nyang mag initiate ng proper conversation.

Then i stayed back an extra hour and when I left the building, I saw him walking back to the building, probs bought dinner and he smiled at me, said something (see you later ata?) and I said "see you tomorrow"

Idk what is going through his head but Lord, I pray you give him the courage to act on it before it's too late. I will say goodbye to him tomorrow and I'll probably say "keep in touch ha" or "we should grab coffee sometime" or awkward ba un? Ewan bahala na si Batman. Another chapter closed na nga ba?

Oh yeah minessage din ako ng sissy nya, if I find jobs daw sa T*kT*k, tell her and she'll refer me 😂 SIS PWEDE BA REFER MO NA LANG AKO SA KAPATID MO? 🥹🥹🥹😂😂😂

Realisation: what if I wasn't at my desk when he came over? He really took a chance with that ha 😂 at dumaan ako sa isip nya na "punta nga ako kay Bianca" ahahah delulu and IG QA made a reaaallly good point, he could have asked her where I was going but he didn't. Maybe he really is interested? And now he found out I'm leaving, the awkward work dynamic wouldn't be there anymore?

....

30 August

So it was his last day today. He came over the QA area a few times, to say bye to people and all but as always, stupid me kept on ignoring him.

But IG QA and I made sure we walked towards his area a couple of times for the last time. There was one time our timing was perfect, he had just turned around and was standing and IG QA said he was looking at me. Huhu

IG QA and I went on lunch together and he went on lunch like 15 mins after us. Literally, there were soooo many free tables but he chose to sit in the one in front of us, like he positioned himself in the way he can see me and I swear in my peripherals, I could see him looking. Thennnn we went up at the same time but IG QA and I waited for the next lift. But I could see he fixed himself 😂 So when we got to our floor, we walked to his area again, he had just arrived and IG QA looked over, he was blushing and apparently was smiling and looking down like kilig smile. Huhuhu is it me?? 🥹🥹🥹

Then around 4 ish, he came over with a cap and asked his QAs to sign it. He kinda saved me for last yiieee. I only managed to sign Bianca C. Cos I couldn't find any more space. He said it was his favourite hat and he is going to frame it. As usual, hiya nanaman ate nyo. Missed opportunities tlga.

So diba I had a plan to say goodbye to him in person? I specifically stayed back 40 minutes just for him, only to find out that he was not on his desk. I swear he was probably on the 5th floor playing foosball 😡😂 so there, my plan didn't happen. I messaged him on IG instead but he has not yet replied. But it's g, it's not meant to be 😂

Sa susunod na habang buhay na lang 😂

Thank you for following my BCB shenanigans since April. This is the end of my chapter. Even though nothing happened, I'm still grateful because it taught me yet another lesson. I need to "attract and not chase". I truly wish him happiness. He's a great guy and I hope he finds the girl he's meant to be with.

Update: he replied like 14 hours later: thank you so much! Best of luck to you too! I hope you find your dream job. 😁

.....

31 August/1 September

Swear, he keeps watching my stories still. Sometimes even quickly as I post them. Is he really curious? Kelan mo ba ako tatanongin? Or just shoot your shot please let's do it 😂

Also since we're both gone from Accenture, it'll be easier for us to start anew 😂

....

9 September

Dear BCB,

I know you'll never see this letter but these are words I want to tell you.

Maybe I forced myself on too you too much. I let myself get to the best of me, yet again.

I know that God has plans for me, even if it means that I'm really forever alone in this lifetime. I want you to know that I prayed for you. When Vanessa told me you were having a hard time, I prayed to God to grant your hearts' desires. A few days later, I heard from the grapevine that you got a new job.

Yesterday, I prayed for you again and I was crying. I prayed for God to allow me to let you go if there is truly nothing. I also prayed for the woman you're supposed to be with, may she exceed all your expectations because you are a good man and you deserve someone who will treat you right.

Maybe we are just two strangers destined to meet but never fated to end up with each other. I don't know if our paths will ever cross again but I'll be cheering you on. I think what pains me is all the what ifs. What if we had the chance to give us a try? All I know is that one day, I'll see your sister's post or someone's that you got engaged or even your wedding day.

For now, I'll focus on myself and continue praying for your success.

Thank you for making my heart flutter even just for a short time.

Never yours,

B.

.....

25 Feb 2024

It's been a while. I'm not going to lie when I say he has not crossed my mind because he does.

I made the decision that should the universe allow us to meet again, Ireland is small so it's still likely, then I will probably shoot my shot.

He's in Japan right now and he posted a series of IG stories yesterday, I replied how I'm jealous and I hope enjoys. He replied with "thank youu!" As in may extra uu and a 😊 😂😂😂

Is this a start of another chapter in my life/love life?

Basically, I need to stop crushing on work guys! I recently started liking this guy, who is the brother of one of my old colleagues turned friend. It just happened 😂

I heard he is not available-ish, he is in a situationship. He seems like a really decent guy. I'll try to be friend him gradually and see how it goes.

We've been having small moments here and there with the help of my two friends who are much closer to him. When I was first properly introduced to him, I was shook at how <i>malutong</i> he curses in Tagalog because I have NEVER heard his sister curse in our nearly 4 years of friendship. So I go to one of my friends that I thought he was a church boi, to which my friend went and told him. As his response, "ate ko lang un." 😂

But last week, I was over at his desk with one of my friend and she got called into a meeting, so awkward Bianca ran away from him and said "bye". 😂 Then today, we talked about the Filipino new joiners to our project. He looked them up on our workplace chat and was like "fuckboiis". So I go "it takes one to know one huh?" He didn't reply, was he offended or did I speak too low? 😂 Then last week, my seastar had an idea for me to ask him about his contract (since a lot of people's contracts hasn't been renewed). So I asked him if he was on a permanent contract. He said no, it was gonna expire on the 14th of May and they need to give him 3 weeks notice so he thinks he is safe.

But idk if I should continue this if he is not available. I would like to get to know him as a friend and go with the flow. I'm actually meeting up with his sister and Jacqui on the 18th of May so we'll see 🙈

bye for now 😂

---------

28 April 2023

Mustered up the courage to talk to him today, yieeeeee

So basically, this week, I have been wanting to talk to him but I was so busy that I had meetings after meetings etc.

Basically, today is payday and I also wanted to get boba as a treat.

We have a group chat on Whatsapp and I asked the filo gang if they wanted one. No one replied so after lunch I went around his product group to ask them in person. Initially, he wanted coffee but the place we ordered didn't have one, so he was like 'I'll take chocolate with less sugar'. (ngl was kinda judging his choice but interesting) then he said 'what's your revolut *ate* (older sister in Filipino)?' I replied 'ate???' then he goes 'oh wait I think I may be older than you.' so I asked him 'how old are you? (as if I didn't already know ahahahah), '27 but turning 28 in like 3 weeks' (i already knew this too HAHAHAH) I replied 'ohhhh I'm August so you really are older' YIEEEEE hahhaah

So I go order the boba and when it arrived, the other filo girl on his team gave it to him and he turned to me to say 'thank you' in a really cute way, kilig naman lola nyo. then he was talking to this QA on my team (looks like about f1) and I was waiting for him to go away so I can go talk to him again. So I went up to his desk, I firstly asked him about the update on his contract. He said he got renewed for only 3 months and I asked him if he knows what's gonna happen after 3 months, they said it could be extended for another 3 months but he is really worried about job security cos they can let you go any time, to which I said it's really shitty. He thinks they are doing it to see how many people are leaving before we move to the other building. But I feel so bad for him, hopefully he gets another renewal. (or I will shoot my shot in 3 months ahahah)

Then we started talking about how expensive boba has gotten (we paid 6euro each) and he was so shocked hahaah (jacqui did warn me that he is very thrifty lmao). He thinks Kakilang and Charap are overrated. I told him I think we are quite biased with Charap because one of my sister's boyfriend works there. He was surprised because he thought only family of the owners worked there, I told him he was a distant relative, he said he went there when they were still new, he ordered coffee (who orders coffee at a bubble tea place?!?!? but he seems to like coffee a lot cos I remember his sister's IG stories of him making coffee) and he was skeptical as to why he was not hearing any coffee machines, THEY USED KOPIKO INSTANT COFFEE ahahahah. He said he paid 3 something for it and I told him oh that's robbery. He said the staff looked unhappy and that if it was him, he wouldn't work for the family business. Then he asked me if I have tried their cheesedog, I said 'oh their waffle dog?' haahah then he said White Rabbit's one is really good and I agreed but it is very overpriced, he said because they've gotten really popular. I asked him if he's tried the Korean restaurant before it was White Rabbit, Brothers Dosirak and he said no. He said he only knows 2 Korean restaurant, Arisu and White Rabbit, but he did see a new one recently, he said near Smithfield, so I asked if it was the Korean Table. I said it was good but very expensive, 20euro for a Bibimbap like. Then I told him there is another new one, Space Jaru in the Liberties to which I told him I was having dinner with his sister and Jacqui. Then he goes 'oh she told me about that! we hardly talk nowadays but when we do we talk for like 2 hours.' (sya na nag bibigay ng extra details na I don't need 😂) Then I told him he should join us but he declined 'it's okay, you guys enjoy'. He asked me if it was fusion and all, I said it kinda is but they have great Korean Fried Chicken. Then asked me if I have tried Bites with Kwanghi to which I said, they aren't that good cos they use frozen stuff as per my friend who was being mentored by Kwanghi. He said there were a lot of Filipinos there etc

He asked me how Jacqui was etc then I asked him if his sister has dropped any hints on what she wants for her birthday. He was like 'oh shit it's her birthday?' then I said 'how could you forget your sister's birthday??' HAHAHAHAH then he had to think about it, he said we should just get something for her dog, Louis. But he was also questioning us 'why would you get my sister a gift??' to which I said 'you're such a savage brother' hahaha then he was like 'just tell Jacqui I said not to get her a gift, *his first name* Approved*. I said 'AA approved!* hahaah

Then he asked me if I was QA or a TL. I told him I was a QA for D&S, he thought I was a TL bruh. I said 'i wish' then he was like 'oh really?' then I go 'ehhh I dont like managing people'. Then at one point, he said thank you 'ate' again for the boba and to give him my Revolut. I told him the girl on his team already paid for his. Then I told him 'I thought we already established that you were older than me??' then he was like, I call everyone ate - Vanessa and Mary Jo. Okay whatever you say, bsta ayokong ma-ate zone hahaha

then I think we just said goodbye cos I had so much things to do. I should have asked him how the boba was haahah

But here we go with overthinking again, how or why did his sister mention that we were meeting up? Like how did that conversation come up to be and whether I was mentioned? ahahh

Overall, I was proud of myself today. One of my old friends, GG told me he is really funny and he is honestly. I look forward to many more moments with him. I would definitely like to be his friend. Gosh I was shaking when I was talking to him but I got more comfortable, like compared to when I used to talk to Chad haahah i realized na wala pala talagang kwenta kausap si Chad 😂

I will probably ask him to join us for dinner again closer to the date ahaha but I hope we can get more closer, you never know what could happen ahhahaah

Hay Lord, please take my feelings away kung wala mapupuntahan ahaha

--------

2 May 2023

Yieee so had another courage to talk to him today! <3

I was over at GG's desk and I had been contemplating if I should talk to him and all. Then I finally did. I asked him how he was and he said he was working on a case that he didn't know what to do cos he hasn't seen it before and so he was self learning about it. I asked him if he was working on Pages or Interfaces (his old product that he still helps out with when they have backlog) at the moment, he said Pages but he feels like a Prostitute and he needs Vaseline for his ass. I told him there's a pharmacy down there if he wants to buy and he said 'it's too late for that, there's already a fist up there'. I am shook at how he is, I never expected him to be this explicit and him sharing these things when we hardly know each other.

Then he asked me when I was having dinner with his sister and Jacqui, I said the '18th' and he was like 'but ate's birthday would have passed, that's closer to my birthday, I'm the 22nd' (as if I didn't already know fam HAHAHAHAHAH) I told him we scheduled it sooo early cos it's busy season at Jacqui's department. Then he was like 'I'm away for my birthday' so I asked him where he was going, he said Italy and I asked 'oh with your fam?' he replied: 'with my cousin'.

Then I asked him if he was on the late shift, he said yes, he asked me if I was, I said we don't do late shifts but I started early today (7am) to avoid the traffic. Then he said he prefers earlies because he gets to do a lot of things but the traffic does get him, it would take him nearly 2 hours to get home but when he gets home, he eats, watch a movie and sleep. I told him I don't even have time to do anything ahah. He also said how it will be difficult for him to get to work when we move to Sandyford so I told him 'you said you have car, why don't you start driving it?' then he was like 'yeah I'll start driving it illegally, I don't even have NCT or Road Tax on it and I still haven't fully paid it yet.' ahahahah I told him I should also start driving.

Then I think our conversation just died down from here so I told him 'concentrate ka na dyan sa case mo bye!', he replied 'bye ate!' so annoying stop calling me ate please ahaha but I asked Mary if he does call her ate and she said yes, so it is probably the bunso syndrome in him hahaahah.

Ohhh and I also had a dream about him, he set me as his wallpaper on his work PC and it was funny because it was a cutout of my head, there were 2 and they kept floating around his screen ahahah

But honestly, I am very proud of myself again. I never thought I'd have such great conversations with him. I'm really shocked that he can be so explicit, boy does your sister know you say these things? You really are a bad church boi HAHAHAHH

Once again Lord, I am begging you please take him away from me kung wala akong pag asa sakanya. huhu

----

3 May 2023

Ayoko naaaa, kala ko today we were not gonna talk cos I was sooo swamped with this deep dive in work.

But to my surprise, xa naman pumunta sakin today. Firstly, he was looking for his product QAs, as in he said 'Bianca asan mga QAs namin?" So I explained...but one called in sick, one had a dentist appointment, one is on PTO and the other was hiding in a room somewhere. So I asked him if I could help but he decline because it was product specific. Then he ranted about how their QAs are always not there when they need them ahaha so sabi ko sakanya, if it's not product specific, "you can always ask me." HAHAAH KONTING LANDI DIN PAMINSAN HAHAH (but it's the first time I heard him say my name haha without ate too ahahah)

Then 1 hour later, he comes over my desk, sits besides me, as in he was so comfortable, his hands above his head and all, and ask me 'ate do you still ask your analyst to clone? cos I have a case dalawa ung issue.' Sabi ko we had a task open to get rid of it cos the filers always push back that they can't see the cloned case so I showed him a workaround in case. Then he saw Vanessa messaged me and he was like 'sabihin mo sakanya tumahimik sya' so I replied "di nya maiintindihan", his response: "ay oo nga pala" then laughs ahahah

Then as usual, pumunta nanaman ako sa area nya for GG then I went over at his desk, I asked him how his pwet was and he was like 'I told you it is past the vaseline stage, it's gone' ahahah 'non existent na?' he said 'no, just it's not there' ahaha then he asked me if I found a gift for his sister yet, I said Jacqui got a mug but might something else for Louis. Then he showed me a video of Louis and told me he is cute but makulit xa and said something I couldn't hear about what he wants to do to Louis (something bad anyway ahahaha). Then we started talking about shifts, if he is in all week and off weekends, he said he is off Saturday and in Sunday but he hates it cos 6 days straight and just 1 day off and how I told him MM's schedule is fucked up then he said last week, Interfaces TL asked him if he wanted to do overtime, he said no. I said even if they offer me 2x I wouldn't do it. Then he was like, "if they offer me my whole annual salary then I would do it, my ass will be perk up" (or something along this). Then he saw I kept looking somewhere, so he asks me who I was waiting for, I said Vanessa lol. My bus was soon so I said goodbye to him and said 'see you tomorrow'.

Haaaysss, I think tomorrow mag papa miss ako and not go over LMAO. Ayoko na Lord, masasaktan nanaman ako neto eh ahahah

.....

4 May

So he was off today, not sure if called in sick or what butttt....

I have an answer to the question I have been praying for. Wala akong pag asa sa kanya at never will have.

Basically, Mary Jo told me she talked to him last night on the late shift and asked him if he would be willing to date while he is on this situationship. He asked, 'bakit, sino?' then Mary said, 'what if it's from work?' Then he responded that he doesn't want someone from work cos it is awkward. (side note: mag reresign na ako bukas CHARING).

Okay naman sakin mag move on kasi sanay na ako haahah but I told Jacqui about this and she said feelings can change and since he only got renewed for 3 months, if ever he does get laid off then I can shoot my shot then, IF EVER di pa ako maka move on. Butttt di na ako aasa.

I think I will defo just consider him as a friend from now and get to know someone new. I need to keep feelings detached haha.

But I do wonder if napa-isip xa kung ako ba ung tinatanong ni Mary? Like do I avoid him now or what? How do I keep a normal conversation going? Kasi if I suddenly avoid him, then baka mahalata nya. But honestly, not once have I shown na I was nervous around him tbh so di ko alam if may na sense xa. But Lord, this is the answer I prayed for so thank you.

Another chapter closed sa blog na toh. BYEEEEE FOR A LONG TIME AGAIN

----

8 May

I knowww I said I wouldn't update again but gosh I feel like he is avoiding meeee.

Like earlier, he was looking for their QAs and they were busy, on holidays or sick leave. Like I asked him "do you need help?" But he just ignored me 😂

Then, I went over to GG's desk cos we were gonna have lunch together, we bumped into each other and he really didn't say hi. But after lunch, (I think he ate on his own today) we bumped into him again at the plate carousel, idk if he just said "hi" to GG or he also said hi to me. Maybe he's just really off today, it's a Monday afterall 😂 I haven't talked to him in a while though. I'll see if I ain't busy tomorrow and I'll chat him up. 😂

On a side note, his sister's bday is today, I greeted her and she said she cannot wait to see me 😂😂😂😂 idk if I will still execute my plan with Jacqui. We'll see 😂

----

9 May

So I really feel like he is avoiding me and I am overthinking it. Like today he came to our area again but a simple hello would have been nice but he didn't say anything at all. Like does he know tlga?? I am curious.

But I did ask my friends and Mary said he messaged him but he didn't respond so maybe he is going through some things. Break na sila? ahahah is it my turn to sweep him off his feet? Charing

But my gosh I'm already stressed out as it is so I do not need this anymore. Hahaha

We'll see tomorrow if I am less busy, I think I may have more time but we shall seeeee

Update 9 May, 23:59

I have been checking his IG, he unfollowed someone and also lost a follower. On top of it, he also archived his posts. He is defo going through something haha baka nag "break" na sila nung ka MU nya

.......

11 May

So he was back to work today and he is not ignoring me anymore, he probably was going through something

So I saw him when he got in, he was going to a meeting room and I smiled at him and he asked me "you good?" While smiling 😂 He seems better.

Then after lunch, I saw him alone at his desk, went up to him and I asked him if he's had lunch, he said not yet, 1.30 cos he is on the lates, he swapped shifts and fucked himself over cos he is on the earlies tomorrow but he likes the earlies.

Then I thought he had chika because he was like "nakita mo toh?" but we were interrupted cos someone needed help (the husband of my ex bff). I came back like 2 hours, to ask about it again, I said "uy ano chika mo?" He was like "what chika?" "You asked me if may nakita ako" then he remembered and showed me this QA development thing. He said he wants to be a QA, so I said "oh you want to be a QA?" he replied: 8-5, weekends off and I said "BH off too, just be prepared for deep dives" and he just laughed 😂 but idk if he still knows something cos our convo died and I told him "sige see you soon", he said "see you later" 😂

....

12 May

So we didn't really interact much today. But he got on the same bus as me, the seat beside me was EMPTY but he chose to sit in the one in front of me (which was not empty btw) and I'm like Y U NO SIT BESIDE ME 🥹😂 but the guy beside him left eventually and he sat directly behind me and he smelled good 😂

Then our next interaction was when he got of of the toilets, I was walking past and we said hello to each other.

BUT YOOOOOO a few hours later, the QAs and I decided to play hide and seek because our TL left early and we were all alone. So I decided to hide in GG's corner. Along the way, I had to go through Airplane's row and on that row, there is an unstable section of the floor AND IT FUCKING COLLAPSED AS I WALKED BY 😂 it was fucking embarassing, he even got up to see what the commotion was but didn't ask if I was okay char sana kunwari nadapa ako para tinulungan nya ako 😂

Anyways yeaahh un na 😂 I think he is already off on Monday for his birthday trip. I think he's gone for nearly 2 weeks? So no interactions till he get back. But I'm seeing his sister next Thursday so I'll update if my plan goes through. 😂

.......

15 May

So he was in today afterall but we did not speak to each other because I was busy and I was still embarrassed from what happened on Friday 😂

BUT I HAVE GOOD NEWWWWSSSS WALA NA SILA NUNG KA SITUATIONSHIP NYA 😂😂😂 MY INTUITION WAS RIGHT! GALING KO TALAGA! Though he told Mary that he wants to focus on himself, bro just you wait, I will get the green light from your sister 😛

Buttt, one of my sister has an admirer in work and she gave us idea on what the date should be. She gave us the idea for an Escape Room, she said I should find a horror one so I can clutch onto BCB 😂 I found this one where the teams will be divided into two, prisoners and the solvers, so naturally, I wanna be a prisoner with BCB 😂 yieee jk

So Mary asked him if he is down for it and he said yes buttt we need to find a day where all of us are available and it's super hard 😭😭😭

He's going to Italy tomorrow yeah HE CANNOT FUCKING FIND HIS PASSPORT 😂😂😂😂 My gosh bunso syndrome tlga!!! 😂😂 I hope he finds it 😂

But Mary said masasaktan lang daw ako kasi hindi sya nag rereply. Sabi ko: araw araw ko naman xang makikita 😂 and that I am used to getting hurt, Martyr Nyebera 😂 Rupok Mae Quinto daw ako 😂😂😂😂 But whatever will be, will be. At the end of the day, if he's willing to put in the effort, we can make it work. 😉

But he's gone for a week now so I'll miss him 🥹 but I'll see how things are with his sister on Thursday 😂

......

18 May

So I had dinner with his sister today and Jacqui...

We casually talked about BCB during dinner but I did not say anything. There was a point where I told her how BCB keeps calling me ate and she said he asked her one time 'wait, how old is Bianca?' Then sis told him 'she's like 2 years younger than me.' then he said 'Oh shit I keep calling her ate!' ahahaha then I told sis I am only 1 year younger than her, 1995 so we're the same age ahaha

She started asking me how her brother was, if he's good and if he actually does his job etc I told him he always looks busy when I see him haahaha

Jacqui was trying really hard to bring up the convo about BCB like asking like 'sila na lang kaya' etc etc but it was not going anywhere. She asked me "type mo ba?" Sabi ko, "pwede, he's funny" 😂

So we went for dessert after dinner and as we were leaving, like 30 mins before. I told them 'I want to say something but I'm shy'... then they were like 'ano???' then they had all eyes on me and I finally said 'I have a new crush....' they were like (well Jacqui acting) 'who??? is it from work??' 'yes' and I just kept looking at the sis all this time and I was shaking like maaaaddd 'it's BCB', she was shocked 'why didn't you tell me earlier??' they were teasing me "ooh she has an office crush!" Then she asked me how our chemistry is, if we talk and I told her we do, and how long has this been going on, I said just a few weeks. She said he is really weird. She was trying to tell me things about him, like how his dream is to open a cafe and he is saving up for it and I was shook because this is also a dream of mine, if ever I get sick of Law hahah

She said his brother is reaalllly nice, magalang, humble and she would really recommend him to anyone. He's a very family man. She said he's very private of his love life to the point where she didn't even know about how he was in a situationship until they ended things. She said they ended things because they were at different stages in their lives. (EG the girl already owns a house). She said he thinks he is not gwapo but she thinks that he is the most gwapo out of his friends and she's just not saying that because he is her brother. She said he's not really into social media, which is great in a way that he is really private. He's a foodie, one of his friends is a chef and they go to fancy restaurants together. I SWEAR WE CAN BE FOODIES TOGETHER HUHU

She also said that he's a really good conversationalist to the point where people (girls) have construed them to be something more. (I'm an ovethinker pa naman 😂)

She said he is good at making first moves and I shouldn't make the first move because I've already done it. She said he's expressed feelings about being pressured (being in an Asian household) and feeling not good enough. She said we could be in the same boat in where we want to pursue something higher than what we currently have. She also said he does not like playing games, which is very fair because we are too old for that and I am the same. She said the previous girl he dated, she was playing hard to get and he did not like that. Don't worry, if I like you, I like you and I will not make excuses. It's seems we are very alike, she said his friends have been the same since high school and she said that's just like me with my seastars.

She asked me if I liked going out because he does and that's something he has besides work. (this is the Gemini in him 😂). I'm such a homebody but I can compromise 😂

I asked her if I have the green light from her cos this might change the trajectory of our friendship (if things don't work out with me and him). She said that she will not meddle with his relationship but I should pursue this but go with the flow and let things happen naturally. Then Jacqui was like I should call his sis "ate" now and she was so against it 😂

Oh and earlier, during the dinner, before all of this, she said he's had 2 exes, one half black, half Northern Irish and the other one was Pinoy. Then she said how her mom would call her and ask her if she knows anyone she can set up with her brother hahaah

Hay Lord, I leave everything up to you. I will continue to talk to him and see where this takes us and hopefully something happens, but if not, c'est la vie.

.....

20 May

I had a dream about him. I was over at their house and he gave me a tour 😂 It seems that they have a converted attic and it's his room but the funny thing is that he has to use the attic ladder to get to his room and the entrance is very small 😂

.......

24 May

Delikado na toh.. I keep dreaming of him again.

So I had this dream, I was with my seastar in work and for some reason we had these big Brown Thomas bags with us. We had just finished lunch in the canteen so we went up to our floor. We went to the MK and BCB was there, I was behind him and he was besides my seastar getting snacks. I said "hi" but he ignored me and for some reason, I ran away to my desk as in not even fast walk. 😂😂 WTH

But I'm off for the next 2 weeks now because of work related stress. Miss ko na xa 🥹🥹🥹

.....

27 May

Soooo at 8.56pm last night, I followed him on IG 🤭🤭🤭 then he requested to follow me at 11:57pm 😂 (ate es encouraged me to follow him and I did 😂)

And today I checked, he watched my stories 😂😂

oh and I've decided that I'll ask him out end of June/early July. bahala na si batman 😭

....

28 May

HOY LAHAT TLGA NG STORIES KO VINI-VIEW NYA 😭 KALA KO BA HINDI KA MAHILIG MAG SOCMED? 😂

Pero bawal mag overthink 😂

.....

30 May

So I created a reel today and posted it on my story. He viewed story but did not like the reel. YO WHY like mo na pls. 😂

....

2 June

yo crush, y u keep watching my stories but no likey my posts? 🥹🥹🥹 I know you like other people's posts, do u no like me? 🥹

.....

4 June

OMG SO FUNNY. my big seastar has been asking her friends to set her up with guys yeah... we have this mutual (ish) friend, who was also close to BCB's sister in college, she sent big seastar a photo of a guy she found for her. IT WAS BCB 😂😂😂😂 she told her na set up na lang ako with him instead 😂

But apparently... BCB's mom wants an accountant for him. HELLO FUTURE SOLICITOR OVER HERE 😂 ako na lang plsss 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹😂😂

.....

6 June

So it was my first day back to work... I made cookies for my team and close colleagues, including GG. My plan was to offer him what was left over from what I brought but it turned out GG wasn't in today so I had the idea that I should just give the cookies to him. But let's backtrack a bit.

Basically, remember our escape room plan? So I already booked the escape room over the weekend because the timeslot was running out. I planned on talking to Mary and bf and the guy who's crushing on my seastar to see if they are free this Saturday. Then I will ask BCB of his plans. But in the end, Mary was sick so I cancelled our escape room.

Then when I found out that GG wasn't in today, I had really been debating whether I should message him or not and when to do it. At around 4.20pm, I mustered the courage and messaged him "yoo do you like cookies? I brought some for GG but he's off today pala and I don't want them to go to waste. Do you want it? 😂" He replied a few mins later "nope I'm okay 🙂 thank you though!" Bit disappointed that he said no. I know it's nothing personal but you know ovethinker nanaman kasi 😂 it just made me think, would he reject me when I ask him out? (I actually decided that I'll ask him out end of the month or early July but now idk if that's a good idea.)

I actually didn't see him properly today even though I walked past his area a couple of times so we didn't talk in person. I'll see tomorrow and the following days. I think I need to discern this more.

....

7 Jun

So I saw him today when I went over to GG's. We didn't talk cos I was shy. He probably looked at me briefly because he was facing towards me when I walked over with Vanessa. Mejo nangitim xa 😂 pero cute pa din 😂

But it's funny, Vanessa and I were talking to each other about BCB before lunch. She said he thought he was the same age as her because of how he is as a person (the way he talks and have banters etc 😂) because compared to him, I am very mature. I told him it's probably the youngest child syndrome etc She also said that he seems to easily get moody. Which I've kinda noticed and it's the Gemini in him 😂

So after nearly 3 years, I saw him again at our work Summer Party on the 30th of September.

I really did not expect to see him there. I'm certain he saw me but I didn't say hi to him at all. It's too awkward.

Anyways, all the what ifs came back to me and man has it been a whirlwind.

I've completely moved on and I do wish him happiness, whether he's in a relationship or not.

We'll be back to the office by the 15th of December but idk how much run ins we'll have because we'll be working at opposite sides of the office, unless they change the seating arrangements haahha but oh well.

He hasn't changed one bit. I wish I had said hi but too late now ahahhah

Byeee

......

17 October

So today, I found out that he's returning back to the office on Monday, the 23rd and I honestly expected him to WFH til December. I was going to volunteer but I enjoy WFH still so I'm waiting til December.

But I keep thinking, what if I volunteer early so we can have moments while the office is quiet? 🤣

Charrrr

......

20 October

Well, guess whaaattt???

I checked our seating arrangement in the office and it looks like he is sitting beside me ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

I swear that seat was empty last week and I was shook, I thought I was imagining it 🤣🤣🤣

Oh gosh gonna be so awkward now will it.

I wonder what he thought when he saw me beside him?? 🤣🤣

But I am sure that the seating arrangement will change again, I just have a feeling. I should ask hahaa

But I'd be relieved if we do change ahaha

......

25 October

Update: we're moving to the other building 🙄🙄🙄

He's probably going to leave soon since the other building is way out for him.

Meaning, our seat assignment will also change 😂

......

4 November

Wow, it's been a whole minute since I last dreamt of him. I dreamt that he left the company.

Though, I honestly think he could leave cos the other office would be too far for him but we shall see.

......

13 December

So today was my first day back in the office and I did not expect to see him so casually.

He's definitely gained weight especially in his face.

We didn't say hi to each other but maybe one day.

........

19 December

So I was sick since Thursday and came back to work today.

I swear to God he kept using the toilet in our section today like fam you have one in your corner 😂 I mean to say that I probably saw him (from afar) like 3 times today. We still haven't said a word to each other 😂

But he's been such a turn off lately because his quality scores haven't been good 😂 like fam kasi if di mo ako ni-reject, tinulungan pa sana kita at naging inspiration mo ako to do well in life CHAROT ayan tuloy pinag uusapan ka sa work 😂

.......

4 Jan

Let me share something funny 😂

So we were literally inches away earlier in work but he didn't say hi, like fam if ayaw mo ako kausapin edi wag 😂

Tapos we have this community blackboard thing. 2 weeks ago, I wrote " the QAs are watching" and my sistar told me he overheard Chad tell her SME about it and how there was a response to it: NO. Like out of all the things written there, you pointed that out? Ahahah that was the work of Bianca 😂

......

6 Jan

So today, I saw that Chad is going to be put on an action plan. Like damnnn di ka ba nahihiya senior analyst ka tapos your scores are shite???

Also GG told me that he thinks Chad is gay, like we were on the same team for a long time but he said it only clicked with him recently. He said like the way he talks is just so off 🤣 I told him if he could do more digging around that would be great so I can have much more of a closure like sealed in an envelope and stamped kinda thing 🤣

I mean Niel has always told me that he could be gay but he just never came across to me as one. He wasn't manly manly but he likes boy stuff like Spiderman, boy-ish video games and basketball. The usual things 🤣. Also he does hang around with straight men in work. (Which I wonder if he's ever told them that I had asked him out.) And okay, as I am writing it, I suddenly remembered his profile picture on our old workplace chat. It was Peter Griffin with long nails, so maybe he could be gay???

GG also told me he just seem non sexual/asexual to him 🤣

I mean if he is gay then I guess that's the closure I need 🤣 kasi it made me question my worth, di nya lang pala ako type 🤣

.....

16 Jan

So it's been 2 years since I got rejected by him. I'm super over him but of course I still joke about and do mention him a lot 😂 but honestly, I would feel terrible if i like him again, he's shite like ahaha buttt i don't understand why we cannot be civil with each other haist

.....

18 Jan

So I kept seeing him today (DUH) but there was a point where he literally sat beside us QAs during lunch with his friend but immediately got up and left 😂😂😂

Then he was in the kitchen with GG and I wanted to talk to GG but I couldn't

Then I went to the kitchen again a few hours later AND HE WAS THERE AGAIN LIKE FAM

I should say hi whenever he's alone the next time cos like....

.....

23 January

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA we got on the same lift today after lunch. I really wanted to say "Hi" but he went on his phone when he saw me.

I was with another QA (his QA btw) but it was still very awkward 😂

Hay Chad, let's forget the past and let's talk 😂

......

7 February

So yesterday was a bank holiday in Ireland. i was technically not supposed to be working but I did so I hid from the analysts and booked a dat office on the 5th floor.

He was on the early shift so he should have finished by 4. I went down to the our microkitchen in the 3rd floor and I saw him on one of the couches and I had to do a double take cos i was so confused as to why he was still there?? He was watching something on his phone but idk what it was ahahah

But another week, another silent treatment. 😂

........

8 February

I had a dream about him but I forgot but we were on speaking terms.

But!!! Today, for the first time, we crossed each other, like I was walking back to my desk and he was coming out of the toilet. I think we locked eyes briefly, I wanted to smile at him buy I got shy 😂

I mean sya rin naman dapat nag hello, bakit ako? 😂

Am I really over him?

AISH HI IT'S ME I'M THE PROBLEM IT'S ME

.......

13 Feb

Lol tumawa ako ng malakas and i could have sworn napatingin xa sa direction ko ahahah (he was using the standing desk feature and i can see him from like 20 feet away from my desk)

......

9 march

So I heard he applied for the SME role and today, GG told me that he interviewed for it. I'm seriously surprised that they are actually considering him for it 😂

But man, if he gets it parang wtf tlga.

It's been a while. Happy New Year. I am confessing to him in 4 days. Though I am constantly hesitating this. But I know it's now or never. I mean it's still a 50/50% chance. But if it's a rejection, then I can move on freely and start the new year right.

I had a dream that he rejected me actually, and I deleted the tumblr app on my phone. I actually don't know if I'll ever have the courage to delete all these entries, if ever but when I've moved on, it will be fine.

Either way, I will update this on Friday, for better or for worse hahaha

Byeeee

Update 16 January

So I did it yesterday.

I opened the message today and I was rejected. He told me he is seeing someone else. Can't say I didn't expect it but I'm grateful to finally have the closure I needed. He said sorry and I am grateful that he was man enough to do this. He even added this emoji: 😫. At the same time, I can’t help but wonder whether if I had done this sooner, would we have had the chance? Was the timing wrong?

Only time will tell when I'll be okay but overall I'm happy. There's always a first for everything and I'm glad to be rejected.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I know God will give the one to me in due time.

This is something I'll laugh about in a few years 🤣

I don't know when I'll delete these entries but I'm going off tumblr for now.

I've been thinking about marriage and family lately.

I would really like to know whether this is my vocation or not. I feel strongly about marriage but also feel like I'll be forever alone.

Anyways, as much as I'd really like a nice destination wedding, I am willing to compromise if my future spouse do not want a wedding at all. In fact, I've been thinking about how I would be really open to a civil ceremony first and then having a nicer destination wedding after a few years. Or like a simple church wedding first with just close friends and family.

Also been thinking a lot about children and how I'd like to raise mine, kinda thing.

Work from Home Chad Chronicles Part 2 because I've already reached max capacity on the other one 😂

.

15/09/20

Today, I noticed that he removed "Pizza time 🤩" from his status now and changed his profile pic to Peter Griffin.

The first one really dampened my mood because I was the one who taught him how to add that and it was meaningful to me. Is that a sign that he's moved on? 😂 Or am I overthinking this again?

I prayed about him again last night but I really don't know. How can I date him? It's going to be a year next month and it's killing me. Help.

.

21/09/20

Had my interview for the QA role on Friday and I feel like it went really well as in super well na I am really hoping na I will really get it.

But a realisation occurred to me, if God gives this to me, I am going to have to take it as a sign na he wants me to focus on my career. I wouldn't be able to date Chad because I will be above him. It truly sucks but we can't get everything in life, we would need to sacrifice something in order to get to where we want.

I've been wanting to progress in my career for the longest time and it's either I choose love or career. I want to experience love but if a career opportunity comes knocking on my door, this is what I'll have to choose. My mom chose her career over love, she was able to provide for her family and in the end, she found love. Maybe that's the path God wants me to take.

Whatever happens Lord, take the wheel. If you want me to be with him, then I'll gladly accept that too.

.

29/09/20

So I didn't get the QA role and he didn't get the SME role either...

So it means, I have to make a move on him at some point since we're still level 13s.

However, meeting the parents really scares me because his parents are rich and I feel like I am so out of their league. I mean, they may be nice people and all but I don't know how they'll feel about me.

I'm thinking wayyy too ahead, it's not like he's even agreed to go on a date with me like 😂

Anyways, I think I still need a lot more time to discern about this.

Also quite sad that both of my wing women has left the company. 😭 I'm alone in this game called love now. I mean if he leaves as well, then it's going to be much easier for me to move on.

.

8/10/20

So I was looking into our office's Workplace platform and there was a post about 5 weeks ago from one of the SMEs and he was asked to tag the team.

He didn't tag me...but he tagged the new joiners on our team.... I know I may be overthinking this but cmon how could you forget about me?

Is this a sign I should move on and move to a different company?

.

25/10/20

Okay was curious about the number on his linkedin, added it on WhatsApp and if that is still his phone number, omg how cute he has his dog as his profile pic haha

.

30/10/20

So a year has officially passed since I started growing a crush on him. ARGH I HATE THIS 🥺

Had a dream that I confessed to him on messenger because he was leaving the company. I saw that he said "yup" before i opened the thread so I thought he said yes to a date with me but he just replied to my message where I said the message can be deleted in one click if he rejects me. Then I saw him in the office collecting his stuff and we just ignored each other. Weird dream tbh haha.

Then in another dream that followed, I also confessed to him via messenger but this time, he said yes to a date with me.

Honestly, I am very anxious when I finally ask him out. I am thinking January, so I can let the holiday season pass by and hopefully Ireland will be in Level 2 then so we can sit in a café. But I was also thinking of going on a walk in St Stephen's Green Park.

I'll just really have to take a risk and just go for it. I just hope he'll be man enough to reject me, if ever, rather than to seen zone me. I'm praying for a positive outcome but we'll see. Even if I get rejected, it'll be a life experience and we're still working from home so I won't see him and I can just ignore his messages on our GC etc. Also I can leave the company if ever, but honestly, I don't want another job til I become a trainee solicitor, I just really want a raise.

.

4/11/20

So today seems like the first anniversary of Entry 50, where we both said we preferred American Pancakes and when he waved goodbye to me. 😂

Haaaayyy, if only things were different now... But really, it will be hard for me to delete these entries if ever he does reject me. Or maybe I'll just forget about this blog for a few years until I find my special someone and I'll be more okay with deleting these entries.

Also, he started playing Hollow Knight, hahah same like xD

.

3/12/20

It's been 3 months since last talked and it's been sad, ish but not too bothered.

So I decided I was going to finally ask him in the new year and decided to give myself a deadline of January 15. At this point, I just really don't care anymore, I want to get it over and done. If he doesn't reciprocate then that's okay.

BUUUUTTTTT 2 new QA roles opened up for our project and I heard it's being fast tracked where interviews are likely to take place in 2 weeks time because of new people joining the project. I am really confident about it this time and if I do get it, my ultimatum now is if I don't start my QA role by January 15, I am still going ahead with it. But even still, I still kinda want to go ahead with it, what harm can 1 date do? If we do go on more, we'd definitely need to inform the higher ups because they may not let me be his QA.

Anyways, I really hope I do get this because it really is my time.

.

14/12/20

Like seriously, why is my intuition of him leaving in January so so so strong? I guess we'll see when our January schedule is released.

PS I have my QA interview tomorrow again and I am dying. Everything will be okay.

.

15/12/20

Took a risk today and messaged him at around 4.45pm.

He replied like 3 hours later so I waited another 2 hours to reply 😂

I mean if he doesn't reply to me again then it's aight. Maybe I will really move on for now then wait when we get back to the office or something 😂 but it's also okay with me if nothing happens, oh well, I tried.

.

Just checked the message at 1:54am, hoy na seenzoned nanaman ako, yoko na nga sige na move on na tayo beshies 😂 he read it at 0:51, boy you could have just waited til tomorrow to reply/seen it 😂

Sige na nga Lord, I will wait for the right man.

.

5/9/20

So I messaged him at work yesterday about a case that he had that was similar to mine and asked him what he did on his.

Firstly, I asked him how he was, and I'm glad he replied to that with "I'm good, thanks and you?" 😂 Hay naku bakit I'm good lang haha let's talk about it deeply 😂

Anyways he did reply to my response but on my third message, seenzoned again 😂

After some intense thinking over the last 2 weeks, I've decided that I am going to ask Chad out when we get back to the office. I mean not immediately but like maybe 1 month after returning or something. Maybe 2 weeks is also good.

But I do hope he will still be there when we get back because S left on Friday and it was a bittersweet moment because we didn't get a chance to see each other for the last time.

Anyways, not the point. I've really been thinking that I would rather just shoot my shot instead of regretting not doing anything. It will be hard but no matter what the outcome is, I will accept it.

I met up with my sistars today after soooo long. I told them about this. At first, they were so against the idea but I told them I really just wanna shoot my shot and see from there. They said that after all, there is still a possibility that Chad will say yes to me. Even if they say no, I hope we won't be awkward with each other.

They also told me that if he says no, it is his loss not mine and I absolutely agree.

Idk when we will be back in the office but I just want to not waste anymore time because I said 2020 was the year I take more risks and this is a risk I am truly willing to take.

But how I am going to do it, is something I still need to figure out. I mean I am imagining this scenario where he would just ask me to go to Starbucks with just him and then just before we enter back into the office, I'll pull him aside and ask him out.

But we'll really see how it works out, if ever.

.

11/06/20

I am hesitating about this decision again.

Lord please give me more signs if this connection is worth pursuing because I really don't want to go against Your will.

😭

.

13/06/20

This is today's verse:

And I don't know if I should take this as a sign to just be brave and go for it when the time comes, that is when we are back in the office. I really hope he won't go anywhere soon tho..

.

15/06/20

Haaaayyyy, he was on my mind, all day yesterday and it was so annoying because I really needed to study 😭

I don't want to keep thinking about him but it's truly been impossible 😭

I just really miss him, I want to reach out but how? I don't want to be intrusive as he seems to be the type to not use FB a lot and I have problems reaching out to guys of the opposite sex. Oh Chad pls just talk to me 😭

Part 2:

So today, I've been thinking about a future with him and it's really not good 😭 God, if he is not the one, please remove him from my thoughts...

.

20/07/20

Yup, I am once again hesitating this decision. I feel like we really have nothing much in common and forcing this would be a waste of time.

.

22/07/20

Omg, I reaaaalllllyyyy have this weird feeling that him and our QA are dating 😱 like I just have this weird gut feeling and it ain't cool. If it's right then damn. Does he know they can't date different levels? Unless they've already informed HR 😂

.

29/07/20

Okay so our TL just told us that it is unlikely that we will be back to the office before the year ends and it is making me anxious yet again that Chad will end up leaving the company, therefore, I am now seriously considering asking him out over Facebook but I am seriously hoping that even if he rejects me, he will be man enough to say no and not just seenzone me.

So please pray for me

.

23/08/2020

So when I collected my LV on the 21st of August, out of nowhere, the sales lady told me "The pandemic really makes everything go in the blink of an eye, so if you like someone, tell them before it's too late!"

And I honestly was shoooookkkk!!!! Was this a sign that I really need to tell him already? But it's soooo hard 😭😭😭😭😭😭

But I told my friends about this and they have mixed opinions on it. But my youngest sistar said I should go for it, like ask him how he is when I help him with a case etc. Then take the plunge and ask him our for coffee.

Dear Chad,

I know you may never read this but I felt like writing this letter will allow me to move forward with my healing process.

When I started crushing on you in the beginning, I didn't think I would get close to you. I thought of you as just someone out of my league. You seemed so smart and had obtained a higher educational level than me. In the beginning, we had little interactions in the office, which really made my heart flutter.

I wanted to keep my crush a secret but I eventually told MF about it, who told me you were single and that she will arrange for us to do stuff together so we can get to know each other better as friends.

I really hang on to that thought that when we do become friends, we can be something more. I had never dated before so I didn't know what I was getting into. When I got you for Kris Kindle, I was shocked that out of all the odds, I picked you. I told MF and she told me she will help me find a gift that will make you want to date me. So I also got excited and I really wanted to impress you.

MF told me you were obsessed with Baby Yoda at the time, which I also have noticed because of your SRT picture. I started looking for Baby Yoda stuff all over the internet and I came across an official store on Amazon that were selling merch. I decided to get you a €32 shirt, which was already over our budget. I wanted to impress you even more by getting you peppermint hot chocolate and bake you chocolate chip cookies, as I had heard you talk about these with S, from our team.

When we exchanged our gifts, I was really happy that you liked them. I even got you a funny Christmas card. I don't even know if you had the chance to eat the cookies I made but you told me you finished the hot chocolate, which I was really happy to hear.

Weeks past and I was still crushing hard on you. But there was a point in February where I felt super down that nothing was happening between the two of us. For about a week, I decided to let go of you and focused on my faith.

Then I heard a good news. They told me I was moving in front of you. It made me really think that that could have been the start of something new. It was. We started interacting more, you welcomed me into your Gossip Group with MF and we just started getting closer. And along the way, I let my guard down and I fell in love with you. I fell in love with the attention you gave me. I fell in love with the potential of us. And you did not know about my feelings. I took risks in letting myself be vulnerable.

At one point, I kept asking myself whether I should ask you out/confess but I didn't have the guts or I kept thinking if we even had a foundation to begin with. I was scared of rejection. Would we be awkward if it doesn't go well?

You remembered things I mentioned in passing and did things to me that made me overthink a lot that maybe you do like me too. I bought you Starbucks on your birthday and that kinda made things awkward between the two of us. But I brushed it off. When you offered to take me home, when they told us we would be WFH, I went crazy. I only told you where I lived once, how did you remember?

After weeks of working from home, I messaged you. I thought we had a good conversation going but you stopped replying in the end. It smashed my world. But it gave me a clear message that you did not like me and that I was chasing after you. Everything you did was just because you were a nice guy.

I don't blame you but myself because I should have not fallen in love with potential in the first place. I did not protect my heart enough.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and praying. Looking back, maybe I only started liking you because I was lonely. Maybe you were a test from God, that no matter what happens, I should not bend my non negotiable trait of wanting a man who is God fearing and is willing to have a Christ centered relationship with me. Yes, I didn't know your religious beliefs but I am nearly sure that you are not a practicing Catholic due to the majority of Irish people being non believers now. These events really made me realize how I long for a Christ centered relationship and if that is something we do not agree on, then we cannot be together.

I think I was just at this point where I was comfortable with everything and everyone around me that I wanted to know someone new at a deeper level. Adult friendships are very hard.

Nonetheless, I know someone out there is meant for me and I too, wish you happiness and that you will find your person.

You are such a great guy, Chad, but you were not great for me.

If you ask me what I liked about you, I am not entirely sure myself. All I know is that one day in October, I saw you in a different light. From then, I started liking your style, the way you interact with me and I found you to be an interesting person that I really wanted to get to know more. I was curious about your life story, how you moved around as a kid and returned to Ireland in your teens.

But anyways, if fate makes us good friends in the future, I will accept it but I will try my best to keep feelings detached.

For now, I want to move on from you. It is hard but I am trying my best.

Take care of yourself, Chad and I hope we can see each other very soon.

So I've been thinking about dating again and how I feel like dating a white boy can be complicated.

Sure, he might accept me for who I am but what if his family doesn't? I don't want him to end up between choosing me or his family.

Sure, they can't dictate who they want for their child but I would also like to feel like I am part of the family.

Cultural differences can also be a big thing, what if our parents do not get along?

I have made another realization.

I am asexual.

I am not sexully attracted to anyone but it does not mean I wouldn't want to have sex with them.

I don't fall in love because they're hot or attractive. I don't rely on looks alone. I fall in love with souls and personality. I am an old school romantic. Modern dating is so complicated.

My friends do not find Chad THAT attractive but that's not the reason why I like him. He's a cool guy who I really would like to get to know more. I don't have a sexual attraction towards him. When I think of us and what we could be doing, I never imagine us having sex, just going on cute dates and talking about life. Could this pandemic be a test to see if our connection will stand the test of time?

I don't know. I keep dreaming about him so I really don't know if I should move on. But I shouldn't hang on to a connection that is not reciprocated, you know?

What is stopping him from talking to me? I am sure he talks with his office bros and maybe S and MF too. I thought we were friends now? Talk to me on FB. I don't bite.

It's really okay if I will be forever alone. It is something that does not bother me.

It would be great to have someone to take care of me in the future though. But I have to remember that I am still young and anything can definitely be possible.

Wow. I realized another red flag/bad sign.

Remember when our oven didn't work and I wanted to give him cookies for Kris Kindle? Then I forced the air fryer to make the cookies.

Well yeah, now that I am thinking about it, it may have been a sign from God that this connection was not worth it. Or was it?

A break from all these Chad madness.

I thought of another non negotiable for my future husband.

He must not expect me to leave my job and become a housewife when we start having a family.

I don't care what it's going to take but I am the kind of woman who values her career. If we have to get a nanny, then so be it. If we have to ship our children off to my parents', it will be possible.

I don't think I can be with someone who feels like it is a woman's job to stay at home, especially in this day and age. This is the reason why there is a gender wage gap. Women are choosing/chose to stay at home when they have children while men climb up the career ladder and when women decide it's time to go back to the workforce, they have been left behind by male peers.

So if my future boyfriend and I do not agree on this view, then it just means he is not my forever person.

But I do hope my future husband will be like this. I am not going to ask him to leave his career if he respects my decision. Sure, it will be tough to raise our children, like dropping and collecting them to and from school, etc. But we just have to work together to figure out a solution and to make sure that we would give our children the love and attention they need.

I want to be the mom my children can talk to about anything without hesitation. To be fair, my parents and I didn't have dinner every single night as a family because of their jobs but in no way did I ever think that they've neglected my brother and I. So this is something I also want my children to feel, but it would mean that we would need to dedicate time for them. Like weekend trips, etc.

I think I should address this.

I really like Chad, I really do but I really think my efforts are going nowhere.

Or do I come off as snobby to him? Or is what MF said really true? That he has no idea that I like him?

I want to stop overthinking things but he also needs to stop treating me as if he's interested in me when he's not. I know he is probably just being nice but there is a fine line between being too nice and being flirty. Yes, he plays around with MF, but I don't think in a way that he does with me.

I really will not think about him for now after that ghosting episode last night. I know it probably was not intentional but if he reaches out to me again while we are away, then be my guest. If not, guess I'll really let go of my feelings for him and just be friends with him. If he confesses, be my guest.

I mean, it is also my fault because I let my guard down and kept my hopes up when I shouldn't have. How could I when he does all these things that make my head go crazy?

Hay Lord, yan ang dasal ko. Kung may gusto tlga sya, allow him to come to me. I am done making efforts.

.

Update 29 March 2020

Had a virtual household with my sisters last night. It was refreshing. We talked about God's 4 D's, Difficulties, Demands, Dollars and Delays.

I opened up to them how my faith is being challenged because of Delays. I told them how I am in this waiting season with a guy, AKA Chad and how I have been getting mixed signals from him. I told him how I messaged him and that I've been seenzoned at the end of the night.

They told me that "umasa kasi ako" and that I should really guard my heart. It really is something everyone has been telling me but I have been too stubborn to realize it. I fell in love with potential when I should have not. Nag invest ako eh, ng pera at ng emotions. But I got nothing in return. Sure, hinatid nya ako pero ayun na un?

However, I am not blaming myself because I am worthy! I am a child of God, who created me in his liking. Someone will fall for me and realize my worth.

But for now, I am done chasing Chad. I take it as a clear sign that by seenzoning me, he really was just being nice all these times and I was too blinded to see it. But, I am not closing my door to him. We work together, we sit in front of each other, we're on the same team, so interactions with him are unavoidable. I'll still be friends with him but I am gonna stop analyzing every detail/action he does to me. It's unhealthy. I will go with the flow. I don't want to say that I am still hoping that something will happen to us, but if he does see me as someone who is more than a friend, then I will entertain it. But if not, I accept it. Not everyone will like me but I know that someone will.

Chad Chronicles is on hold while we work from home.

I'll keep updating this post if anything does happen to us.

Basically, I was telling Jacqui how J*ck told me I should join Tinder, use it during work to find out of he is there and if we would match. But Jacqui was like "what if you don't see him there but his friends see you??" So I was like "Then good na he's not on it 😂 as if he's ever talked about me to his friends 😂"

Then, nearly an hour later, I looked at my "Friends You May Know" on FB (there's a rumor that that is a list of people who's viewed your profile) then I saw that one of his friends are on it!!! I was shook, if the algorithm theory is right, then his friend was stalking me which means he has talked about me to his friends. LOL AYAN NANAMAN OVERTHINKING BES EH 😂

Then Jacqui told me how she asked her bf: if you offer a lift to a girl, does that mean he's interested? Her bf said yes but I shouldn't overthink and wait for another big sign.

Anyways, my Mandalorian plan is still going ahead. 😂

20/3/2020

Well, we didn't really talk online, he welcomed one of the guy on our team because he just got his access sorted today but I did not get the same treatment yesterday 😭

It's G tho 😂 Seems like he really is super smart because I looked into one of his chats and he used the word "futile". I'm just....wow big word 😂

Lol anyways, we're out for the weekend, Disney+ comes out on Tuesday, will try to binge it as soon I can so I can message him by Thursday or something 😂 really hope our conversation can flow naturally. Like I will just say "oh I've finished it and I am now obsessed with Baby Yoda or I can see why you are obsessed with Baby Yoda, he is adorable!" Then hopefully he can be like "What did you think of it?" Etc etc and we live happily ever after. CHOS.

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21/03/2020

Swear everyone is telling me to either text him or to keep my feet on the ground and let the connection grow.

I REALLY DO NOT KNOW. He keeps doing all these things to me and I am always overthinking it. My friends have told me not to but it is sooo hard. They told me to wait for other signs.

I really want to take a risk and tell him but I really do not want to ruin our new found friendship. I mean I really hope he's just waiting to make more signs because he doesn't think it's time yet or something but I just don't want to give give give and not have anything in return. Haaaay Lord, please help me!

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22/03/2020

This morning, I told my mom about the fact that he drove me home. At first, I couldn't tell her immediately, I was just staring at her the whole time and she asked "Anong kailangan mo sakin?" I said "nothing." "Bakit naka tingin ka sakin?" Then finally, I said, "Wala lang, may update lang ako sayo." Then she was like "ano may date ka???" I replied, "No update!!! Hinatid nya ako kila tita nung last time kaming pumasok.." and she was just like "ayie, hinahatid ka na ha." Then she told me, "yan dapat, cool ka lang. Pero tapusin mo muna.." She didn't complete her sentence but I knew she was talking about my FE1s but then she was probably thinking that I am nearly 25 and she should let me be. Hahaha. Then she asks "nag offer ba xa?" Sabi ko oo 😂

Then she asks me if he texts me and I told her no, we only talk in work. Then she replied, "ganun talaga" 😂 hay mother, if she had asked more details, I would have told her how I am getting mixed signals from him kaya di ko tlga sure kung gusto nya din ako 😂 but she didn't, so let's leave that for another time. 😂

Lord, pleaseee I trust you. If he doesn't reach out to me, ako na tlga mag rereach out. Need to binge The Mandalorian asap.

.

23/03

He keeps reading my messages on our GC immediately but does not with other people

ANO BA GUSTO MO PARAMDAM KA NAMAN PLS

Happened again at 16;09 ANO BA HUHU

.

24/03

STOP SEEN ZONING MY MESSAGES AS SOON AS I POST THEM AND START TALKING TO ME

.

25/03

No sign of Chad life anywhere, he was pretty much quiet today, not reading/replying to messages etc

.

26/03

I FINISHED THE MANDALORIAN YOU GUYS.

I took a risk and messaged him. It took me a whileeeeee but I just took the plunge.

Basically, I asked him how he was and how working from home has been coming along. It took him like 6 mins to reply, which was fine, we were in work so understandable.

He told me he is relaxed but about to get boring. He asked me ‘how about you?’ So I sent him this quite long response how I’ve been relaxed working in my jammies and binged watch Mandalorian, bummed about 2 eps so illegally streamed the rest. Told him that I am now also obsessed with Baby Yoda (he laughed react to this). Then he said how it was dumb for Disney not to release everything at once. (Was upset he didnt ask me what I thought of the show)

Then I told him if Netflix can do it, so can they. But he said people would just sign up for trial, watch it then cancel. Thennnn he asked if I liked it. I said yes except for Ch.6′s characters. He said he thinks you were not meant to like them.

Then I asked him if he thinks Fennec Shand is still alive. He was like which one was HE again? So I told him correction she* (laugh emoji) then explained her character. He was like ‘Oh yeaaahhh. Then boba fett was supposedly the one who found her” I replied ‘yup that’s the theory but I feel like she was pretty much lifeless already and maybe just a teaser for boba fett then?'

Then nearly 3 hours later, I go check our workplace chat and he seenzoned me. Okur. He read the message at 20.27. He better reply tomorrow or I’ll take it a sign that he really just isn’t interested in me.

On a side note, he went on lunch at 6pm, came back at around 7ish but didn't change his Status xD it's either he forgot or na distract na sya sakin CHOS sige laaaangg.

I swear I hope we can talk more tho. Since he seenzoned me, I will not message him again cos I don't want to look eager/desperate so yeah. Byeeeeee.

.

30/03

STOP READING MY MESSAGES, dear heart and head, STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.

I know you get notifications that "Bianca messaged..." Does your heart flutter when my name appears? STOP OVERTHINKING BIANCA.

Ayan nnmn tayo sa seenzone eh 14:55. Ano ba?

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1/04/20

I had a dream that he messaged me. He asked me how I was and for some reason, he told me to go to Google Music because they were having a sale and that I should make a track for him. (Like what?)

Also dreamt that he took me home again. When we got to our house, he told me we needed to talk. I think he confessed.

Ay ayoko na.

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5/4/20

Why do I keep dreaming about him? I dreamt that he messaged me on FB, really long paragraphs of him confessing his feelings.

Urgh.

Oh and I also paid for a tarot reading of how he really sees me. I mean idk if it's real but there are feelings there but there may be a third party but the reader could not 100% confirm it. It is highly probable, he's a single man who could totally date around. The reading also mention how he finds me attractive and sees a long term energy with me. It also says how he may not be ready for a serious romantic relationship but he can see it progressing down the line. But honestly, I do not see him as someone who longs for sex, yknow? I am nearly sure that he could still be a virgin but the fact that he frequented Krystle in college, makes me question it. I mean, he is a white male, it is something I am not super pressed about.

I've just been thinking, if I were to get with a Filipino guy, is there anyone out there who has never had a girlfriend or who has even dated anyone?

Chad really gives me the vibe of never having a girlfriend before but I really see him as not looking for anything at the moment to focus on his dream job.

.

6/4/20

Okay, why did I have a dream that he proposed to me??

I think we argued over something and then a few days later, he proposed. Wtf.

From what I remember, he only proposed in his car. lol

.

8/4/20

So we had a team call today. He has not been working since like Thursday last week because he could not get his VPN to work.

But dang. I heard his voice after 3 weeks. He sounds the same as in real life but his American accent is more prominent 😂

Then our TL said we might still be working from home for the next 3-4 months and I'm just like. HUHUHU.

Will I be over you by then?

.

10/04/20

Had a dream we were back in the office and we were having banters again like nothing has changed.

I think he also messaged me on Facebook one of these isolation days...

I swear I know it was probably unintentional for him to ghost me like that.

.

11/04/20

So I've been searching his Gamer tag on Google, even before I decided to let go of him and there is this one file I keep noticing, it is League of Legends and it seems his password is Yugioh246 😂 it is actually hilarious 😂 I didn't know he is that big of a nerd. I don't see it as a bad thing because I like nerds and I am drawn to them but I hope he is not an incel because that is a major turn off.

Yes, I am not wishing for us to be together anymore but I really hope he finds the woman of his dreams. He deserves to have someone who will understand him for who he is.

.

13/04/20

Another thing, how do I listen to songs without thinking of him?? It is getting frustrating. I used to listen to these songs without thinking of him and now all I do is associate these songs to him. Nakakainis.

.

14/04/20

Why do you keep reading my messages then stop reading others' after mine??

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18/04/20

Argh why did I dream of him again?

We were back in the office daw and I sat in a different computer because I was avoiding him as in. For some reason, the coat rack was behind him so when it was home time, I grabbed my coat as fast as I could so he would not talk to me. He was slouched in his seat and looked really tired. His hair was long like mid length sufer dude hair, he was not wearing his hat. But then he saw me and called me and said "Bianca, I'll give you a ride home." I replied, gaga naman ate nyo, "If it's not raining, I can walk but if it is, I'll take the bus." He replied, "What time is your bus?" I replied, "In an hour." He replied, "Okay, if it's raining, I'll wait for you here, let me know." Then I grabbed my stuff from my locker, I went out the office and it was raining. I went back into the office and told him that it was raining. So he got up from his seat and we walked to his car. On the way, I noticed he looked really tired and his eyes were red so I asked him, "Did you not sleep?" His reply was: "Yeah I came to work with no sleep." So we just walked to his car and he opened the door for me. He even adjusted my seat.

Then for some weird reason, we ended up in Dolphins Barn, like the flats and around Tesco. Then there were billboards for Book of Mormons and he saw it he said or read "What about the Mormons?" Then I was confused at first so he pointed at the ads for the Book of Mormons. Then I told him: "Oh I really wanna see that! I heard it's meant to be one of the best Broadway shows." He then tells me he is not a big play fan but there is something he likes. I asked him but he saw another Book of Mormons billboard and pointed to it. Then we reached Reilly's Ave and idk why but my whole family and our old neighbors were all outside. Bsta ang weird talaga na he dropped me off in our old house. Dreams are weird.

So I just thanked him and watched him leave.

Aish why did I dream of you again???

.

20/4/20

Had another dream about him. Just why oh why? What are these dreams trying to tell me? I haven't been thinking about him seriously so idk.

Basically in this dream, we were all back in the office. So we got a few newbies who joined our team. And management/TL thought it was a good idea to blend the newbies with the senior agents so there was a complete seat change again. Chad and the guy beside him moved to my old area, as in Chad moved to my old seat. While I was stayed in my current seat. Of course I felt sad that I won't be able to see him face to face as often anymore and that I felt like our friendship will drift apart again.

Basta ano baaa I don't understand this. Do I still have feelings for him deep down?

Oh and he read my message on the group chat again. 10:18am. I mean ok he's been active on the UKI chat today so here's me overthinking again.

.

23/04/20

Another day, another Chad dream.

So in this dream, I was in Tesco with my mom or Aldi, anyways a supermarket.

I wanted to make Tacos so I was at the spice aisle, looking for a taco spice mix. Then out of nowhere, he pops up and sees me. Says hello and asked how I was etc, while I was grabbing the taco spice mix.

Then I told him goodbye but I still kept seeing him everywhere in the store even though I purposely was avoiding him.

WHY DO I KEEP DREAMING OF HIM.

It is honestly annoying. 😭

I just wanna move on.

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27/04/20

Been a while since my last dream but I dreamt that he drove me home, yet again, but I only remember the part where we entered Cherrywood and then I just got out of the car and don't even remember saying thanks. I stood at the front door, until he left.

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28/04/20

Arghhh he read my messages again on the office chat almost instantly at 2.37pm 😩😩😩😩 Whereas our own team's chat has been active all day, yet he has not read the messages on there since yesterday morning!!

Were you expecting that I messaged you or something??? CMON IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME JUST MESSAGE ME. I already messaged you first, it's your turn.

Ugh I hate overthinking this!!

Also, 26th of April marked the 1st month since we last talked. Hmmmm have I fully moved on? I really don't think I have but I am just trying to live my life. Why must you be an introvert Chad, we'll be waiting for each other forever.

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6/05/20

Hmmmm... Beginning to think he actually has 3 siblings contrary to the fact that I thought he said there are 3 of them in the family, him being the eldest, followed by his sister then his younger brother.

If it is his brother that I saw on FB then it makes sense now because remember when he gave out chocolates for Christmas? I heard him say "my brother's work had them on sale" or something along the lines. And the other brother I was aware of was only a kid. This person I saw matches the bill, from Chicago and went to the same secondary school as him. (AND LOOKS LIKE HIM!!! We may be the same age or a year younger because he graduated secondary school in 2014) [yup he is older than me by 6 months and just like his older brother, he is also very much into Star Wars and video games. But he seems more social than his bro. Haha xa na lang date ko 😂 Chad 2.0 chosss Chad introduce me to your bro para di tayo awkward sa work 😂 They are actually only 10 months apart, I wonder if they are close.]

Hmmmmm why am I such a stalker 😂

(7.6 update: nah saw his bro's IG and he seems like a fckboi, his DP is a mirror selfie of him shirtless, showing off his v line abs 😂)

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13/05/20

It's been a while. As of yesterday, he is fully back to work. We had a team meeting on Monday and he was on it. He said they gave him a laptop to work on. I had myself on mute so I was just listening to him. Yes I wanted to join in on the convo but I needed to stop myself. I need to distance myself until I fully move on from him.

Anyways, today, a case was assigned to me at around 8.30 in the morning. I didn't action it because the office was going mad with chats so I said I was gonna action it when I had a chance later on.

Then I noticed that it disappeared from my queue. I went to my closed cases and I saw that he had actioned it. I mean, I am not saying that he did it on his own free will, our TL may have asked him to go through our team's response received internal queue. Which is aight but this case was not originally mine, but one of his office broskis, na mean? So it's either he did not read the email thread at all or he just decided to close it in MY name. I mean he had to type my name and I wonder if he felt something. CHOSSSSSS 😂

But I'm telling you guys, ever since he got access again, my heart started fluttering again just like when I was still crushing on him, before I moved in front of him and he started giving me all these attention that made me fall in love with him.

I have been trying to move on. I even wrote a 7 page journal entry about my feelings. I've been super distracting myself by watching Kim Possible and staying away from sappy romantic shows 😂

I need more time to heal but it will be okay!

Update 14/5:

I got another case from the same broski, which he actioned yesterday and closed it under his broski's name but he closed the other one on mine.

Ugh why am I overthinking this again!!!

Chad please go away from my feelings 😩

15/5

Today, I helped him out with one of his cases.

He said 'thanks!' whereas the past few days, he's only been replying to people on our team with 'ty!'.

Made me overthink again but I was just being ridiculous 😂 'ty' tapos today sakin 'thanks', special ako chos 😂 honestly wasn't that bothered but okay! Stop giving me special treatment please 😂 don't treat me differently from others if you don't feel the same way because it's unhealthy for me 😂

Helped him again with another one and he said 'thanks!' again urgh. Swear tho, I was hesitating a bit when I was helping him. My heart was thumping again like it did before we started getting comfortable with each other 😭😭😭

.

17/5/20

Exactly 2 months since I saw him and when he dropped me home.

Oh Chad. Will I ever be over you.

.

18/5/20

Helped him with another case because no one was helping him so I was just being nice.

Bianca don't be marupok pls. You've been making progress. Don't relapse now.

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20/5/20

Another day of helping him out....

Basically he asked our group chat for help, no one replied for like 5 minutes so I said I'll help him.

Then he private messaged me about the case. He told me there were a lot and said "ahah". I should have joked around but I didn't or even asked him how he was 😭

But after I helped him, this was his reply:

Huhuhu parang ang happy nya na may tumulong sa kanya. Chad naman, don't do this to me! I am trying to move on 😭

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21/05/20

Haaaayy... Reading my messages again as soon as I post them. Chad Chad Chad ....

.

26/05/20

He legit have not read messages on our office GC since 10.30 this morning. I messaged a few times around 3pm and he kept reading them. Ano ba kasi Chad.

Don't be scared of rejection, I know I may not be showing real signs but I am an awkward turtle, just talk to me.

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27/05/20

As usual no one was helping him again so I private messaged him and asked if anyone was helping yet.

His response:

Hahaha cute 😂 so I told him 'give me the deets, I'll send it up'.

He said 'ty!!', gave me the deets.

Then when I completed it, this was his reply:

Hahaha naloka na xa, double a. Choss. I replied with "anytime 😊" 😂 para konti landi to let him know na I am here to help anytime HAHAHAHAHAHAHA chos

BAKIT HIRAP MAG MOVE ON MGA BESH

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5/6/20

So I've been hesitating about posting this but about 2 days ago? I had a dream about him again. It wasn't just him in it but the dream mostly centered about him and I.

Basically, we there was a party in the office and for some reason, I was getting ready at my desk as in curling my hair (so weird 😂😂😂).

Then Chad decided to go out of the computer area, probs was on a break or something. Then my team decided it was a good idea to hide his baby yoda plushie so I hid it in my locker and when he came back, he kept looking for it and we were just laughing at him. 😂

That was it haha.

But you guys, I've been diligently praying for my vocation and I've been getting signs about marriage etc. What if he's the one? God, please give me more signs.

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15/06/20

So it's been a while. I've been helping him here and there over the last few weeks.

Today's response was "awesome, thanks!"

And that made me kilig inside. 😂

I am awesome, chos! 😂

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16/06/20

Just saw the July Schedule and he is taking 2 weeks holidays 😂

Lol fam watchu gonna do? 😂

Tara let's go on a date chos 😂

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24/06/20

I miss him ☹️ But I've been good with not thinking about him a lot but I just really can't wait to be able to ask him out in person hahaayyyy

Hmmmm I also suddenly wondered if he still has the card I gave him for Christmas. That was a cute card, €4 din un ha hahaha

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3/07/20

Yo wassup.

I had a dream, so we were back in the office. We were on the weekend shift and for some reason, I decided I was staying back for a bit more so he left before me.

Basically, from this dream, it seems that we were on minimal speaking terms. So like as he was leaving, at the computer area door, he said bye to me and idk why, I asked him to have dessert with me on Monday 😂 it was weird 😂

.

12/07/20

Okur, I had a dream that he dropped me off again in Cherrywood, like just out of nowhere. Like all I remember was that we were walking to his car together.

He even opened my door and carried my bag and walked me to the front door. Haaayyy....

.

14/07/20

So today, I was overthinking again.

Basically there was a post in work where an SME asked him to tag his team. He tagged me first over his broskis and that made me quite overthink again. Like the way he tagged our team was not as if it was alphabetical order. So why did he tag me first?

Hahah ako ung unang pumasok sa isip nya

Huhuhu ayoko naaaaa

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19/07/2020

So he is on his 2 weeks PTO from tomorrow.

Haaaaayyyyy miss ko na xa, bakit ba kasi ako ganito. Pero as long as he has not said that he is not interested in me, may chance pa rin tlga kami eh.

Wag lang tlaga xang umalis ng company and it will be grand.

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08/08/20

Been a while since this was updated, nothing's been happening between us so there is nothing to report. But anyways, lately I've been having (r-rated) fantasies about him 😂 argh I just want to be with him 😂

He's also started playing Fall Guys on the PS4, we have something in common na chos 😂

Also, there's an SME position in work and I have a feeling he might apply huhu if he gets it, he'll be level 12 and I won't be able to date him 😭😂

Honestly still think may something sila ng QA namin huhuhu

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16/08/20

So I told MF on the 14th of August about everything that has happened, like how I was getting mixed signals that made me overthink alot to me messaging him twice and being left on read, also how I plan on asking him out when we get to the office. (Also how he dropped me home.)

I told her how it's been very hard for me in the last 5 months, trying to move on from someone I don't even talk to. She was very understanding and told me that she also has not talked to Chad since WFH, as she was also left on read. She said he may not be the texty type because he's quite shy.

I was honestly shook. I thought they talk, even on our workplace chat because they are close in work. Cause I asked her if it was even a good idea for me to ask him out or if she knows if he's seeing someone because I don't want to intrude. I told her I want to take a risk with him but a part of me fears rejection.

She asked me if I ever thought about asking him out for coffee since things are opening up. I told her, yes but I don't think we are in that level where I could just ask him randomly.

So her plan is to build up a rapport with him again and find out the goss. I really hope she can build something up with him and that if ever, this time, there will be progress.

Until I know I have a chance with him, I can't move on. If he's seeing someone, then okay at least I'll know where I stand.

I'll let you know if there's progress.

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19/08/2020

So today, I helped him out with a case.

One of the internal tools was not working for him so he asked for help. I was the first to reply so I told him to send me the details and I'll do it.

When I did it for him, he said 'Perfect thank you!' and I just replied, "No worries 😊" landi landi with that emoji 😂 Wish we kinda had a conversation going though 😭 Wish I asked him how he was but it wasn't appropriate okay 😂

Haaayy can't wait to find out if he's dating anyone or when I'll see him again so I can ask him out. HAAAAAYYYYSSSS.

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9/9/20

So yesterday, I asked our group chat for help on a case. I didn't really expect that he would be the one to respond but he did and that was cute. Awww. ❤️

Looool I wish I could've thanked him personally but other people started helping me out so yeah. But for a brief moment, I was kilig haha

Really wanna ask him out already! But cases are rising again and I don't want him to use Covid as an excuse so I'll wait again until cases have slowed down.

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13/09/20

So today, I had a video call with MF. She told me that she got a new job 😭 meaning, she won't be able to be my wingwoman now 😭

I am happy for her but this cuts down all my chances with Chad 😭

But she did talk to Chad and he applied to the SME role apparently, I think he may have already been interviewed but he didn't hear back from them yet.

So today's episode of The Chad Chronicles, Season 2, Are You Flirting With Me or Not, is short, BUT HELLA SWEET.

I swear, ya girl put efforts to look nice today, I put on my hoop earrings, liptint, powder foundation and eyebrows. Plus wore my neverending Ilang Ilang and Coconut perfume, but he didn't notice me. Or na mesmerize sa ganda ko CHOS.

We didn't really talk much in the morning cos we awkward like that but 1 hour into our shift, he took a 21 minute break and he was probably having a bad day or talking to a girl but it's g 😂

I've noticed that he removes his headphones when I talk to him and really focus on me. He never does that to other people, he would keep his headphones in. It warms my heart. Unless of course, he just couldn't hear me again hahaha

Then I heard him talk about Revolut with this other guy from our team and FAM HE LIED HE HAS REVOLUT, he just didn't want to give his number to me 😂

Then we got a green light to WFH, at first, our TL told him he should bring his PC home already so he wouldn't need to come to work tomorrow. I was sad :( BUT THEN THEY ANNOUNCED THAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE MOVED TODAY.

He was telling the guys on our team that he will be working in his living room coffee table because their wifi is there. But he also said he could use their home office but his dad is also working from home. So the guys joked that they should work together and he was like "FATHER AND SON BONDING" but he said his dad works in a completely different industry. When asked, he said his dad works in Finance for a Healthcare company. (RICH KID TLGA 😭 His dad is from Roscommon, and went to a public school, maybe that's why he is humble because he wasn't born with a silver spoon. I wonder if they're religious because people from the country side, usually are. Hmmm..)

So we all unplugged our pc and we were just basically standing, waiting for further instructions on transport etc.

This is where the good part begins.

Then I was staring into space but ya girl has really good peripheral vision and I could feel and see that he was staring at me the whole time. Suddenly he goes to me, "Bianca, do you need a lift? You live near MF right?" I said, "Yes. I do." (BUT WAIT I HAD ANOTHER REALISATION! I mentioned the fact that I lived near MF two weeks ago and he remembered today WHAT IS GOING ON WHAT DOES THIS MEAN HALP)

Then I told him "I think work is giving us lifts, idk." Then he was silent, as if I turned down his offer. Awww. I feel like he had to think about what he was gonna ask and then took the plunge. I swear I am suspicious now. 😂 I hope I am not overthinking this!

Then I went to my lockers to put my hand sanitizer and stuff from my desk. Then he also came to his lockers (our lockers are literally 2 lockers apart), there was awkwardness so I just go to him "I am so done." Then he asks me "Why are you so done?" I just said "nothing, just tired, wanna go home." Can't remember what he told me but yeah 😂

Then when I was about to leave the office building, he saw me and was like "Are you sure you don't want a lift?" So I said "Whereabouts are you going?" He replied, "You live past the bridge yeah? I can drop you anywhere." Then he goes "Yeah I do but do you mind?" He replied "yeah no, it's fine! Where's your pcs?" I replied, "Oh they're getting delivered tomorrow" Then he asked, "Do you wanna bring them now? We can help you?" I told him, "See, I have to go to Crumlin tonight cos my stuff is still at my aunt's."

So he grabbed someone else's PC and I asked him if he needed a hand and he said no so we walked to his car and I was surprised to see that he drives a 2015 Ford. I expected a fancy car since he is a rich kid but no. Humble. I like.

I tried opening the boot for him but it didn't open so he said, he may have locked it. So I grabbed one of the monitors from him and he unlocked his car. (There was a lot of revision books in the boot so I'm guessing his brother is doing the LC this year and he drives the same car, because there is also an 'L' plate on it 😂 so he is probably his brother's designated professional driver lol)

Then he was like "Hop in, I'm just gonna grab my coat." Then the drive home was fast since I only live a 5 minute drive. He was playing Smash Mouth's All Star and then Madcon's Beggin. (Basically his Spotify playlist 😂) Then I just gave him directions to my aunt's house and I saw my uncle outside the house and I was like omg. Hahaha.

Then I thanked him, AS IN A LOT OF THANKS but I can't remember his reply. So I just said "See you, whenever!" (My uncle asked who was that 😂)

The end. I'm gonna miss him but it's okay, distance makes the heart grow fonder. CHOSSSSS.

Welcome to another episode of The Chad Chronicles, Season 2, Are You Flirting With Me or Not?

I saw him walking to the office when I was on the bus hehehe

I got to the office before him (since I was on the bus). I was at my lockers and he said "good morning" to me. As usual, ung ateng nyo hiya hiya pa. I really shouldn't talaga pero ganun talaga pag crush mo isang tao. 😂

He went to the computer area before me so I didn't really see him until he was already in his seat. HE SHAVED awwww 🥰 but he was still stubbly ahahah so he probs just cleaned up lol

Then I saw this tweet. He was wearing green today and I'm just. Was this a sign? Cos I prayed for a clear sign last night. I really don't know if I should confess, kainis. 😂

Then I was listening to music, Eastside to be more precise. Then he I was shook when he shouted my name: 'Bianca! Are you getting assigned a lot of emails? I finish 5 and then I get assigned another 5.' I told him 'yes because our email capacity is 5 and once the system sees we finish them, they will assign more.' Then he just said, "oh okay." But did he look at my codes and see that I was still on email? hahaha

Then later on, I waved at him to tell him something but he was confused if I was actually waving at him or if I was just stretching. So it took a moment for him to respond. He only responded to me when I kept staring at him, which he then removed his earphones. So I told him "Did you hear? Our laptops maybe ready by Thursday then we can WFH from Friday." He told me "yeah, TL told me." Then I was just telling him we should really be working from home now and etc. I've noticed na minsan he can't look me in the eye. I've noticed he has a tendency to stand up when he's talking to me. As always, my voice was really low so he literally leaned in closer to me, with a smirk and we were just staring into each others' eyes saying "what" and laughing so on the third "what", I told him "SOCIAL DISTANCING!", laughed and he goes "Oh I thought you had tea for me, so I was just like "spill the tea!"" But swear, my heart was thumping! Then I said 'actually, on that note, my friend told me that there are 2 confirmed cases in our company and she told me to be careful but I am not sure if it is in this building.' He said 'If it was here then we would have been on lockdown now and we wouldnt have to work from home because no laptops.' I told him 'well they could deliver it to us still.' 'But no one would be working on the laptops to install everything.' 'We would have to do it on our own, they'll email us instructions' then laughed ahah.

Then we had lunch at the same time, I wanted to ask him to sit in front of me and not be a stranger but he sat by the windows and put his earphones on so I let him have his peace, if it's the same tomorrow, I'll defo take a risk.

Then our QA wanted him but he had his earphones on so I waved at him to get his attention and told him our QA wants him. So basically he closed this case on a client without even verifying with the client if they were happy with his answer. So I joked "THAT IS WHY YOU CLOSED 400 CASES LAST MONTH. I demand a review of your cases!" Then he was like "Oh no, I've been exposed!" Then laughs hahah I am really happy that I have been making him laugh lately. It warms my heart.

Then when it was home time, he stood up, looked me in the eye and said "IT'S HOME TIME!" He NEVER does this to me, he would just walk away and I would chase after him to the coat rack 😂

Then at the lockers, he just told me "see you tomorrow."