iKno... the group that proudly brought you Doomba.

Hongjoong called out from the kitchen, urging him to sit down for a meal. San glanced up at the clock seemingly thundering with each tick of the second hand. 7:30 PM. There was an urgency in his chest to do something but he couldn’t recall what. That was normal now. San had made peace with the fact that he might not remember everything and that uncomfortable feeling of not being able to remember was something he had to be okay with. What else could he do? It wasn’t like he wanted to get into that accident or to hit his head so hard he was in a coma for almost a month. He didn’t ask either to forget a big chunk of his life when he had finally woken up. As he sat down at the dining room table, his hand moved to pull the chair right next to his own out of habit. Yeosang sat down with a quick thank you and a protest was teetering on San’s lips. Why did he want to protest against Yeosang taking that seat? He couldn’t remember why but he knew he had pulled that chair out for someone else. As Jongho plopped a big plate of food in front of his spot and urged him once more to eat, San forced a smile on his lips before slowly digging in. Mingi was still rushing about the kitchen, hands busied with this and that making a big ruckus. A big cuss left his lips as he touched the hot kettle, frustration earning a small chuckle from the other boys who had now settled into the dining table. Confusion fell endlessly from Mingi’s lips and San had begun to urge him to ask for help from… From who? A name was just there, on the tip of his tongue yet as soon as he began verbalizing it, it was gone. Frustration vexed in his head through another round of headache, as if someone was jackhammering at the wall partitioning his memories. Who was he about to tell Mingi to ask for help? Who else would know this kitchen as well as he did? As far as he could remember, he lived here alone before the accident. San shook his head with a small smile on his lips when he caught the 7 pairs of eyes strained on him, almost as if they too were waiting for that name to come from his lips. Yet when they all came to the common realization that they too were just chasing a ghost, they all quietly returned to their food. The boys ate in silence. In some ways, San was thankful for that. He just needed company without the endless questions of whether or not he remembered some random facts.

When dinner was all tucked away and the boys were satisfied with the amount of food their best friend had consumed, they finally let San head out to the living room. Yunho had pulled San into a game of Mario Kart, Jongho and Yeosang joined, turning it into a huge chaotic match. They played till nearly midnight, Seonghwa was busy cleaning and dusting the house even though they all urged him to come play a game. Hongjoong too joined in, although the boys were giggling about how he was just in Seonghwa’s way. San smiled up at his friends. They had been best friends for so long but his memories vaguely recalled the shy whispers and not so secretive hand holding the days leading up to his accident. He can very clearly remember the way Hongjoong wrapped his arms around an exhausted Seonghwa camping by San’s bed. He swore he saw the smaller man pressing encouraging soft kisses to Seonghwa’s soft skin when he thought San was too tired to pay attention. Mingi called out to their friends still cleaning… Well, Seonghwa was cleaning. Hongjoong was more so just shuffling about awkwardly. Mingi told them it was okay to be a little more obvious, which earned a big side eye from the older men. Everyone burst out in laughter and San too found a chuckle rumbling in his chest. Yet just as soon as that little bit of happiness emerged in his heart, a sudden ear piercing ringing took control. Flashes of a smile, bright sunlight, soft hands fighting his own large one for the broom… Images flashed across his mind like some happy compilation before a tragedy in a movie of a tragic love. That voice, so clear in his mind calling out his name. He couldn’t quite place it but that feeling, the feeling he had been looking for echoed in his heart though it was so brief, so momentarily it left him numb. When he had come to, his friends had now gathered around him. Jongho had a firm grip on his body as Wooyoung and Yunho gently patted his shoulders and back. They were concerned. San understood but he didn’t want to keep being looked at like a vulnerable child that couldn’t function on his own. So he smiled, feigned excuses about too many activities for the first night home. He had a feeling his friends didn’t believe him but they all quietly whispered to let him rest. It was already ticking 1AM afterall.

One by one they filed out of the house. Each hugged him as if he was standing in between the veil of life and death. They told him they’d come by tomorrow whether or not he wanted it and San just thanked them. Where would he be without all his friends and how grateful he was that they all stuck through with him. There was a strange look in Yeosang’s eyes, like there was something he wanted to remind San of but he held back. Hongjoong just looked… sad. He had been looking at San like he’d disappeared any second now. San had thought it was just because Hongjoong had been regarding himself as the dad of the group, taking care of all their needs without ever saying anything. Yet when San had mentioned how grateful he was to have such a beautiful group of friends that would do everything for him, there was an inexplicable sadness that swallowed Hoongjoong up. It had mirrored that odd look so obvious on Yeosang’s features so perfectly, almost as if they had rehearsed it. San wanted to shake them by their shoulders and tortured it out of them but he knew they were holding back for his sake. So he said his goodbye, promising to text the group chat the second he woke up.

The peculiar feeling he was searching for had been forgotten for the last few hours was now very obviously missing. As he clicked the door lock, San let his eyes fall over the house that was by no means large… Yet there was a vast emptiness that San couldn’t explain. For once San was glad his body was exhausted. Even if his mind was still racing against the stream of mismatched memories, out of place and out of time, his body was tired enough that he might actually sleep tonight. San shuffled down the hallway toward his bedroom for the first time in months. He let his hands run along the length of the wall as he passed by, glad he was once more home. Yet as his finger reached the edge of a picture frame on the wall, that sinking feeling was once more so heavy in his chest. San looked up at the series of pictures strewn strategically to cover the span of his wall like a museum. His childhood pictures, family pictures, friend pictures, Taekwondo tournament pictures, graduation pictures, vacation pictures… He smiled up at all the familiar faces, thankful he had so many people in his corner. Then he saw it. The empty spots. He tried to convince himself it was just spots he hadn’t filled up yet. But the longer he stared, the more out of place they became. Something was here, intentionally here. The slight outline of the frame was stark against the dustiness surrounding it. If there was one thing that so perfectly captured what his mind was like this very moment, it was this. All his memories, laid out of order, so obvious yet there were those missing spots. They weren’t large. Just holes here and there, a blurry face, an echoing voice, a warmth he missed. They weren’t large at all yet the weight of them was dragging him to the depth of hell that he couldn’t remember what was there. They were like a blackhole, unassuming and stagnant. Yet the more he tried to look into them, the bigger they became sucking away all his happiness and security.

 His ever so chaotic groom-to-be best friend had thought it was a great idea to book their suit fitting appointment the day after the bachelor trip. In hindsight… No, it was still a terrible idea no matter what time, what day that decision was made. The rest of the boys had sprawled across the lobby the moment they entered, barely holding together as regret slowly emanating from their weary bodies. Chan’s soul jumped out of his body every time another number was shouted off and Mingyu looked about one hair away from death’s door. Jihoon was numbed with regrets. Numbed from the insane amount of alcohol they had absorbed the last 5 days. Numbed from the sheer amount of activities Soonyoung had managed to cram into the short 5 days they had in paradise. And numbed, because he had spent the last 4 days running through every possible scenario of his first encounter with you since the breakup. The countdown to the wedding continued to tick away and he was no closer to making peace with the fact that he had broken your heart than he had that painful night. He knew he had destroyed his dream girl in the cruelest way, to not even offer a single explanation, no reason to give you the closure you deserved. He just walked away as if the last 5 years of your lives weren’t intertwined in every sense of the world. It didn’t matter the reason he had, Jihoon knew he had no right to face you, to be in the same room as you.  

It had been the second evening of the trip when Soonyoung had found his best man lingering by the edge of the beach, eyes longing for something beyond the stunning tropical sunset. The rest of the boys had crashed early. Some combination of long flight, far too much food, and definitely too much drinks had done them in. Not Jihoon… His mind was far too occupied with the thought of you. The question that had been vexing on his mind was teetering on the tip of his tongue, though he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. It wasn’t his weekend and it wasn’t his place. A deeper part of his soul, the part that was still very much in denial, was far too afraid of the answer to even think of asking the question. When Soonyoung had flopped down right beside him, Jihoon could feel it. The incoming storm of emotions he had been choking back for far too long rising, souring in his throat. Then he heard it, your name echoing so clearly against the waves crashing ashore. You were coming to the wedding. Jihoon didn’t quite know if this was the answer he was waiting for or not, but his tears began to fall all the same. It was silent at first, gently rolling down his slightly sunburnt cheeks as Soonyoung wrapped his arms around his best friend’s shoulders. The weight of the unknown came crashing down harder than Jihoon could have ever anticipated. Loud sobs swallowed up by the harmonious song of the ocean, of the wind, and of the coconut tree dancing softly. Jihoon dug his face deep into his best friend’s shoulder as he let his sorrow free for the first time in a long time. Soonyoung whispered words of encouragement but he knew it was all useless. There wasn’t anything he could say this very second that could soothe the loss of a great love like what Jihoon and you had. So he just sat there, letting his friend mourn the life he could have had under the cooling air of the evening. Soonyoung too shed a quiet tear for a love that should’ve been eternal but was snuffed out too soon. 

Since the moment your name was spoken aloud, Jihoon’s mind had been running on fear, on anxiety. He didn’t know how to face you, not when he had set everything ablaze on his way out. Even standing here on this stupid, brightly lit pedestal enduring the abuse of the seamstress, Jihoon couldn’t help but imagine how you’d have teased him for the faces he was making. It wasn’t that long ago that you had accompanied him to every wedding related appointment. Who knew there was so much more that went into being a best man. Sure, he had been groomsmen before – to Joshua, to Wonwoo, to Chan. This was another beast all together, especially when the groom was the ever chaotic Soonyoung. If left him be, Jihoon was sure the wedding was going to be some ridiculous jungle themed. Soonyoung’s partner had dragged both Jihoon and you to nearly every appointment, from cake to flower to even chair and linen. Jihoon suspected his job was more so to keep his best friend in check and you were really the one that was there for the style and design support. He didn’t mind it at all, excited even to attend every single meeting. He didn’t mind it because as he sat there watching you discuss the differences between two colors that honestly looked exactly the same, Jihoon imagined it was yours and his wedding you were planning for. Even if he didn’t understand most of it, Jihoon mentally noted as many details as he could for when it would be his turn. He’d stared in awe, wondering how he was so lucky to have someone like you. It didn’t matter how wild the suggestion of the chaotic groom to be would come up, you somehow managed to spin it into something more suitable for a wedding of his partner’s dream. 

Yet biting in the back of his mind was all the days when he was too busy to accompany you, all the days when he could barely breathe, let alone being able to process any of these foreign words. You’d come home, exhausted and a bit frazzled but beautiful regardless. The way your smile immediately brightened up the moment you saw his face was always the best part. It didn’t matter how rough the day had been, Jihoon found so much comfort in knowing he was the reason for that dazzling smile. You’d immediately crashed into his arms, kissing him anywhere you could and expressing just how much you missed him. Although he loved the attention, loved the way you adored him, Jihoon couldn’t help but feel useless. This wasn’t a rare occurrence anymore. It had become so frequent that he was finding it hard to recall a time where every evening would be filled with songs and laughter as you cooked dinner while he cleaned the apartment. It was hard to recall a time where he’d spend the hours leading up to bed time just laying in your lap and enjoying the way you’d run your fingers through his hair. The harsh truth was that there were now more days where he’d just be a face on your screen rather than being loved on by you in person. The days where he was able to greet you from home were ones he counted as lucky. There were so, so many more where he wouldn’t be able to see you at all, to feel your hug, to see your smile. Jihoon counted every single day he was blessed with being called the country’s hottest producer as lucky. It was an amazing thing that he never thought could happen to this little hobby of his. The opportunities that had come his way were more than he could have ever imagined when he was just a fresh face starting out in this cut throat business. 

It used to be just him in a tiny rent-by-hour studio, Seungcheol’s crappy laggy laptop he borrowed from school, Seokmin’s insane vocals, and a shared dream of making it big. Then one day Seokmin dragged in a fresh face Seungkwan whom he had just kidnapped from his school’s choir team and the rest was history. Their tiny team of 4 eventually turned into 13 as they all dragged their friends from various walks of life into this insane journey. One by one, Jihoon and Seungcheol managed to produce an impressive amount of songs that mostly went nowhere, but it paid enough for them to rent a real studio with real working equipment. Most of all, it was big enough to fit all 13 growing, boisterous boys. Thinking back now, this position he was in felt like a miracle. All those nights spent toiling away in that tiny hole in the wall… None of them thought it would ever go anywhere. They all hoped to break into this crazy business but somewhere between all the rejections, they were all ready to face reality. None of them thought that they would all make it big, not just one or two of them, all of them. Thus this feeling Jihoon had was almost blasphemous. Although he couldn’t deny how real it was and how fast it was eating away at his heart. He had rejected it for so long, pretending like he wasn’t exhausted from balancing everything on his worn out shoulders. Watching as each of his friends one by one commit to their forever person, Jihoon couldn’t push it off any longer. So many of his peers struggle just to never get to where he was, to never be given the opportunities he was given. It was a miracle and a blessing all in one that he was so successful with the background he had. Yet…Some days, this blessing felt more like a burden, a curse. 

He could finally give you the life you deserved. The big house with the yard for all the pets you can dream of, vacations every holiday, and maybe eventually children. He can finally give you the world, but the price he had paid for that? It was you. The high of being a big name in the industry slowly began to wear him out. He was now faced with the tragic realization that his days, nights, and thoughts were mostly filled with work. Gone were the days where he’d wake up to you snuggling closer into his chest. Gone were the nights where he’d fall asleep to your kisses. Many nights now he’d simply fall asleep at his desk, on the creaky studio couch, sometimes even on the plush rug you had bought for him to “jazz up the place”. His eyes were tired and reddened most days from staring at his laptop, staring at the lines on his screens, staring at the rows of buttons at the recording booth. Jihoon was so sure by this point that there was a permanent dent on top of his head where his headphone rested so often. What use was all the beautiful lyrics he wrote for you, if the muse to all his songs couldn’t even be there to enjoy it first hand. 

That question weighed heavier on his heart with each day passing by. As he watched his best friend dance to some stupid commercial jingle he had memorized just to make his fiancee laugh, Jihoon felt small. When was the last time he had made you laugh like that, the kind of laugh that has you double over in tears. When even was the last time he took you on a real date? Sat with you through your period cramp? Held you close as you watch Stardusts for the millionth time? Ate with you and listened to you talk about the annoying manager from work? These are the kind of questions that were biting at his soul as he watched you so happily chatting away with Soonyoung’s fiancee about wedding details. Jihoon thought of all the nights you sat alone at home while he was out at some lame event or launch party he’d much rather skip. All the nights you spent alone on your shared bed while he was too busy to even think about sleep. Between pressure at work to put out the next new hit to feeling utterly inadequate at being a good boyfriend, Jihoon felt like his world was caving in. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t catch a break. He used to think it was just enough that he was yours, and you were all his. Yet his love for you felt so pale in comparison to the vibrant, colorful one that Soonyoung had for his partner. Somewhere in between deciding that the wedding color was a compromise between Soonyoung and his fiancee’s favorite color,  lavender and apricot, to deciding that they’d have all three cake flavors… Jihoon made the most terrifying decision of his life. 

He was leaving you. 

The gentle warmth of Jeonghan’s hand brought Jihoon back to reality, a tear silently rolled down his cheek unknowingly. He looked up to see all his friends surrounding him, soft smile and supportive gaze lifted him from the depth of hell he had plunged himself into. His friends watched on as he put on a fake smile, mumbling something about being too tired and too hungover to realize the seamstress was done with his measurement long ago. He had been standing there staring off into space with a smile that they understood all too well, a smile that only memories of you could create. They all knew this was hard on him, Soonyoung more than anyone else. Many times now he had offered for Jihoon to sit out of all the activities, saying that it was fine if he just showed up on the day of the wedding. All the other boys had agreed to help him shoulder the best man responsibilities but Jihoon couldn’t do that. He insisted on attending everything, putting on a brave face that he knew wasn’t fooling anyone. And, for the most part he had done a good job so they pretended not to notice otherwise for his sake. However, as he watched the bridesmaids leaving the shop when the unusually quiet group of boys had arrived for their own appointment, Jihoon couldn’t help but feel the punch to his gut. The colors, the theme, the cake flavors, everything reminded him of the unfillable black hole you had left behind. The unfillable black hole that was swallowing up his heart, his soul, his humanity, and his life. He didn’t know how to fix it. The longer he was away from you, the more of himself he lost. He was utterly useless without you. 

Dragging his weary body down the familiar path leading to his studio, Jihoon couldn’t help but let out a mirthless laugh at the rows of awards lining the hallway walls. He could still remember so clearly the excitement in your features as you took millions of pictures of him in front of each shiny awards. You were so proud of him, and you weren’t shy about showing it to the world. It had lit his heart aglow, like gasoline to the fire of his passion. He promised you that he’d keep writing songs and winning awards if this was how you’d react every time. He looked down to see you beamed back up at him, nodding fervently into a hug, Jihoon felt like he was on top of the world. Winning awards was amazing, but having you being so excited to just be in his life felt like the biggest achievement of all. Funny how his beautiful muse was now nothing more than a ghost haunting his heavy steps. As the light of his studio flickered on, he couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to this room that once felt so warm and cozy. It had been the same routine since he had left you behind, muscle memories carried him through the darkness each day. As he scanned the interior of his studio, something felt… off. It was as if someone had removed all the warmth and replaced them with something lifeless. There was something sterile, soul sucking about the room he had been so prideful of. It was strange but the only thing he could liken it to was the feeling of stepping into a morgue, just an edge of unpleasantness, unsettling and cold. The room had been strategically decorated, everything was placed with care and intention but now, everything felt lackluster like everything good had up and left the moment you stopped being a constant in his life. Everything except the little plant you had given him so long ago when he was first signed to this company. He walked over to the little thing that was now a bit overgrown, gentle fingers petting the leaves as a greeting. You had joked that the plant’s name was Lil’ Woozi Verse, a silly little play on his producer name and the fact that he was your universe. You had cracked yourself up over the name and he just laughed along, more so because he was so amused at how funny you had found your own joke to be. Although many times now you had offered to change the name of the little plant, he insisted on keeping the name because it reminded him so much of the joy you bring to his life. 

Bag tossed aside, Jihoon let his worn body sink into the chair that had moulded to his body. His feet began toying at the drag path in the rug where your chair once resided. He had gotten rid of the chair that used to hold his whole world the second week after the break up. Night after night, he’d stared into the empty seat beside his own, studying the outline where you used to be. He’d sit there in sorrow, wishing he could take everything back as liquor burned his inside… Though he knew, nothing would burn as much as what he had done to you. Many early morning he’d startled awake calling your name, hands frantically reaching out for you and tears already doting his lashes. When his fingers failed to ever reach you, the pain he felt was unbearable. The more he chased the ghost of you sitting in that chair, bobbing along to some melody he was working on, smiling back at him, the angrier Jihoon would get. Then it all hit him, this chair was now holding nothing but false hope of a future he’d never have. 

So in a fit of anger, of regret, of self pity, he got rid of it… Just like he got rid of you. 

That night Jihoon had collapsed on the floor of his studio after dragging the chair all the way down to the dumpster, tears falling endlessly as the weight of his action sunk in deep. That night he let himself wallow in guilt, in pain, in sadness, in missing you. He had laid there for a few hours before his boys had come to drag him out of his studio in lieu of hundreds of messages and calls going unanswered. He fought them, kicking and screaming that he had to finish this song for you even if it killed him before throwing himself onto his chair once more. Jihoon eventually relented after Soonyoung and Seungkwan had threatened to pour water on his computer and kidnap his little plant child. The computer, Jihoon didn’t give a shit about but knowing his friends’ track record, he couldn’t risk Lil’ Woozi dying in their care. Even then he had refused to get up, his body and his chair had fused into one being as Seokmin, Vernon, and Mingyu practically pried him out of the thing before carrying him out of the building. They all took turns sitting in his living room, watching over him as he let himself grieved. Although it was much more along the line of prison guards ensuring their prisoner wasn’t escaping back into the studio. He had cried for hours, teetering on the edge of self destruction when exhaustion finally took hold. They continued to monitor him even when the only thing emanating from the lonely bedroom was the soft sound of snoring. Eventually when they deemed he had rested and eaten enough, they reluctantly let him be though reminded him that they were never far away. 

As his computer flickered on to the image of you smiling so brilliantly, Jihoon felt himself lost in another daydream, whispering a soft greeting to his love. It was the only place he could see you now, the happy version of you he desperately missed that is. So many times he had considered running back to you. He’d beg on his knees, sleep in the hallway of your apartment if needed, whatever it would take for you to even just look his way again. Missing you was like an itch he couldn’t scratch, it was aching so deep inside his bones yet seemingly running its web all along his skin. On one particularly bad night, he had gone out to drink with his team after their recent big win. He had drank perhaps more than he should have, drank until he couldn’t remember why he had drank so much in the first place. Jihoon found himself stumbling toward your apartment out of habit. He smiled at how warm your hug would be and how perfectly comfortable your lap would be as he felt sleep creeping up onto his spine. He couldn’t wait to be in your arms, even if you’d scold him for drinking too much. He had made it nearly to your front door when reality hit him like a meteor. 

He didn’t get to do that anymore.

Gone were the long nights when he found peace in you snoring away on his studio couch while he was hard at work. Gone were the cozy mornings filled with regrets and headaches of a hangover spent laying in your arms and soaking in your love. Gone were the afternoon being a baby while you nurse him back to life. His best girl was gone and it was all done by his own hands. You loved him when he was a nobody, loved him when he got looked down upon. You loved him until you were forced to share him with the world, always smiling when he was approached by fans, always smiling when he was surrounded by critics and business people at gatherings. All his success, all the awards, what was it all for if he no longer had access to the best part of his life. Jihoon trudged back out the courtyard, standing there for how long he didn’t even remember. His eyes were trained on the covered windows of your apartment, finding it strange that you even remembered the curtains existed. For as long as he had known you, the windows remained open. You loved smelling the air, listening to the sound of nature, of the busy world outside. So many nights you’d both lay on the floor of your living room, listening to some new song he was obsessed with and stared out at the night sky above. You’d talked about nonsense and it felt like the most important things in the world to Jihoon. He missed those simple moments with you, when nothing else mattered. His entire life was held in the confinement of your small living room, just you and him and the future. He watched until the light flickered off before walking back the way he had come from, alone. 

Thinking back of that day, Jihoon felt so ashamed standing there watching you live your life like a stalker. Would you still think he was cool if he knew the embarrassing things he did while missing you? A heavy sigh greeted the stuffy air of the drab studio. Jihoon got up to make his nightly tea, though the concoction he made barely qualified as tea now. It was the last box of tea you had left behind, the last few bits of you he physically had left. He had found comfort in resting by the open window of his studio with a cup of tea just the way you had done. He regretted not joining you more often in people watching. Oftentimes he’d just smile at you before returning to his work. Now, something about this nightly routine made him feel closer to you. He stared up at the sky, eyes straining to make out the stars barely shining, masked by the dirty pollution of the city lights. He remembered the trip you both were planning before everything had gone awry. You had been so excited, a trip to the countryside for the “meteor shower of the century”, the news had said. You couldn’t contain your happiness when he had brought up the idea, nearly knocking him to the ground in a big hug. He too was elated, though for a much deeper reason. 

He was going to propose. 

As he let his eyes trailed along the softly swaying row of trees, Jihoon let his mind wander to a reality that could have been. How different life could’ve been if he had just taken that trip with you, lay underneath the burning stars and enjoyed the comfort of your love. Perhaps you’d be his wife now. He wondered if this very second too, you were looking up at the stars and thought of the life he stole from you. He let his eyes fall to the busy street below, watching as drunken office workers stumbling in and out of the street food stall you used to stop by often. People watching had slowly become one of his favorite breaktime activities when nights were late and lonely. Sometimes he’d create little stories in his mind, making up little dialogues and pretending as if they were little characters he could control. He studied the fashion of his little characters, as if he was a fashion critic watching a show. The night air had been a bit colder than Jihoon anticipated as a gust of wind left everyone pulling their jackets closer to their face. Another sip of tea before his eyes wandered toward the entrance of his building out of habit, expecting it to be empty as always. Yet…That jacket… the tea cup nearly dropped from his hands the second his eyes locked onto that familiar shade of yellow, little flowers dotting the fabric, it was unmistakable yours. The familiar figure was slowly walking away from the building, soft hair swaying gently in the playful wind. Were you here? Did you come up to see him? Was he so lost in daydreaming that he had missed your knock? He let the cup fall out of his hands, crashing against the floor without care. Jihoon ran faster than he had ever run before. He ran all the way to the spot where he had seen you lingering, eyes wildly searching but the salvation to his yearning was nowhere to be seen. He swore he could still smell the scent of your perfume hanging in the cold air. There was no way it was a hallucination, there was no way. If there was one thing Jihoon knew with all his heart and soul, it was you. He would never mistake you with anyone else, not you, not his love. His body dropped onto the spot, mentally cursing himself for not paying attention, for once again being too late. He missed you. The night life passed by him in a blur, pitiful whispers fell upon the pathetic sight so stark against the bustling night life. The reminder that he had sent his best girl away forever once more came crashing down on his weary body like an unrelenting storm. He sat there in the spot, broken and lost. 

Once more the sandman failed to stop by the studio to pick Jihoon up toward dreamland. One more night spent restless in the chair that had witnessed so much of his ingenuity at work, mind racing against the ticks of time. For the first time since he had suffocated the light of his muse, Jihoon was motivated. He could feel the words, the melody coursing through his veins far quicker than his fingers could move. The song he had struggled to finish not because he couldn’t but because it felt too much like a final goodbye came rushing out like rain soothing a long drought. Back aching and joints screaming for rest but Jihoon couldn’t hear them. You occupied his heart, mind, and soul. Not that you ever left his heart, or mind, or soul. He was drowning, drowning because every little thing in his life reminded him of you. There wasn’t a single place in his life, not a nook, not a cranny that you hadn’t left your mark. Even on nights where he felt the physical frustration of a lonely almost thirty year old man, all he could think about was your touch, your scent, your voice moaning his name. He used to feel ashamed, checking and refreshing your social media like a desperate man for any drop to relieve his thirst. Now, he could not care any less who was around when he furiously screenshot every story you post. As Jihoon packed up his laptop and haphazardly grabbed the pile of paper messily strewn across every surface surrounding him, he felt a newfound resolve steeling in his chest. He was going to fight for you, even if it was by his own hands that this relationship had wilted. He was going to fight for you, even if it took all his life. He loves you so dearly. 

The following weeks felt like a blur. Jihoon had pulled every string, traded in every favor just to expedite the song he had put his entire heart and soul into. Not that it took much convincing for the label to put out another Woozi-SCoups hit, especially one he was willingly begging them to release. Jihoon knew his worth, and so did Seungcheol. They didn’t get to the position they were in by rolling over at every demand. They played his cards well and held back when they needed to.  Which made this release all the more unusual, all the more special. As he shook hands with the artist that was to lend his voice to the most important love letter of his life, Jihoon felt a sickening hope rising in his chest. He had hoped with all his heart that when you listen to the song, you’d understand the love he had put in the lyrics. Yet he couldn’t deny the part of himself that was entirely sure you wouldn’t bother with listening let alone reaching out. All he could do now was wait and hope that the beautiful words he had written were enough to convey all the feelings he held for you. Even if you’d never reach out to him, he hoped that you’d at least listen to it once and feel his love. 

To no one’s surprise, the song had gone straight to the top of the chart the moment it was released. His phone hadn’t stopped buzzing in excitement and so same went with his work emails. Congratulations and invitations to interviews flooded, cluttered up his notification but the one he had longed for the most never came. Even as the declaration of love he had spent so many sleepless nights and so much tears to create was being played on almost every single speaker in the country, Jihoon only felt the knots in his heart tightened further. Every trip to the local market, every late night convenience store run, the moment that familiar tune began to fill the air, Jihoon would find himself glancing up at the happy faces in the crowd. He would find himself searching for one specific smile amongst the rows of people bobbing along to his melody in the busy cafe. He searched in hope but when days turned into weeks, he grew desperate. Like a madman, he’d check your account each day… Praying, hoping for any sign that his message, his heart had been delivered to its owner. Many restless nights, Jihoon would let himself fall into his own delusions. He’d imagined you sitting on the couch of his studio with him resting his head in your lap. A bright smile on your lips as you soak in the beautiful lyrics he has written just for you, fingers carding gently through his hair. He’d fall asleep to your gentle touch and soft humming of his song. He’d give up his life just to have one more night with you. It was silly but he had even tried wishing upon a star that you’d be there the next time he’d search the crowd. 

Even as he sat amongst the rowdiness of his friends in the smoky bbq restaurant celebrating yet another win, he still searched for you in the crowd. They had practically dragged him out of the house, letting him slide for the first 3 awards was enough. He had used every excuse in the book, from focusing on Soongyoung’s wedding to being busy with meetings. He knew his days were numbered and it was time to pay up. The scent of food filled the air but Jihoon found himself filling up with alcohol, sleep wasn’t the only thing evading him. Though that didn’t last long as his friends began to shove food on his plate, appetite or not they made sure he got more than just a liquid diet. Then somewhere between the 3rd round of soju and Jihoon’s new song playing over the staticky speaker for the 5th time, the mood became solemn. The severity of the first meeting after heartbreak didn't escape the group of boys. They knew this weekend would be hard for Jihoon. This weekend was the real test of this heartbreak. 

“Be honest, Jihoon. Was the new song about her?” Seungcheol was the only one brave enough to broach the subject. He had been as surprised as the label when Jihoon had stumbled into his office with the biggest smile on his lips. He didn’t say much, just shoving his laptop onto Seungcheol’s desk before settling down on the office couch. In the short time it had taken Seungcheol to repeat the song twice, Jihoon had fallen asleep. And asleep he stayed while Seungcheol went right to work scheduling meetings and reaching out to anyone he could to get the song out. 

“Yea…” Jihoon piped up meekly. 

“Have you, you know, talked to her about it?” 

“No. I don’t even know if it was right for me to release that song, let alone contacting her after all this time.” The shame he felt rising fast in his heart. This decision to release the song was entirely selfish on his part. 

“You know she’s coming to the wedding. You have to talk to her sooner or later.” 

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to cause a scene at-“ No sooner than the implication that he was some sort of inconvenience had left his lips, Soongyoung already up in arms protesting.

“I don’t give a shit about that. I’m worried about you, and her. You don’t just walk away from the kind of relationship you guys had and be fine.” Soonyoung slurred out, waving his chopsticks around, nearly taking Jun’s out with it. 

“I’m serious, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. You guys have enough on your plates.” The more Jihoon denied, the more worried everyone got. 

“Jihoon, none of us would have the career we do if it wasn’t for you and Seungcheol.” Jun never shy away from complimenting his friends and being drunk only amplified it. 

“Come on, it was your own talent that got you there.” 

“And what songs would we be singing?” Seokmin loudly chimed in, all the while wrestling the bottle away from Chan. 

 “If we didn’t have ‘Woozi and S.Coups’, we would be nothing. You guys were the one slaving away in that musty, dingy studio.” The rest of the boys nodded along to Chan’s loud sentiment. They were all sweating and slaving away but Jihoon and Seuncheol more so than anyone.  “Jihoon. I’m being 100% serious about this. We’ve all talked about this. If you want to quit, we’d support you. Whatever royalties we get from the songs you produced, you get half.”

“I still love producing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I want to quit. It’s just… it’s too much sometimes.” As thankful as he was for just how ready his friends were to give up their income to him, Jihoon knew quitting was never an option. That didn’t mean though that sometimes, sometimes he just wanted the world to pause for just a few minutes. He didn’t want to burn down everything, he just wanted everything to stop just for a short while. 

“Then only write for us. Exclusively. Don’t take on anyone else! I’m serious, Jihoon. Whatever you want to do, you don’t have to do it alone. We’re here.” Once more he was reminded of how much support he had, of how far everyone would go for him. 

They were right. All his boys, from day one, from when they all had to share 5 ramen packets between all 13 of them, they were always here. They lamented about just how much work Jihoon and Seungcheol had put in, fighting tooth and nail to get their friends’ names out into the world. They had worked hard and labels definitely noticed, but it was just that, Woozi and SCoups producer-genius duo. The amount of times the pair had gone into a meeting with their hearts on their sleeves only to walk away hopeless. Every label wanted their songs, their talent but none wanted their visions. And their visions were their friends. Eventually Seungcheol had managed to leverage a new up and coming label to bet on them – debut Seokmin and Seungkwan and the label would get 5 songs for free. They knew the label was desperate and they had nothing to lose. To say DxS had been a success would be saying the least. Seemingly overnight their names were being plastered over the entire city. Their songs? Being played everywhere. One by one, Jihoon and Seungcheol kept the promise they had made to their friends all those years ago, that they’d make them famous. The label never again doubted a Woozi and SCoups decision and the rest was history. 

So his friends were partially right, if it wasn’t for him, if it wasn’t for Seungcheol, none of them would get where they were. Yet the part that they were wrong about was that as much as they had relied on him, he too relied on everyone else. No matter how tough a recording session would get, no matter how many times they bickered over clashing artistic visions. It didn't matter either how long they’d go without speaking, and how rough life would get… He knew they would always be there when he turned around. Just as much as they needed him, he needed them. So why did he feel like he had to do it all alone? Why did life feel so complicated just months ago when he was making the worst decision of his life? How far did he strayed away from this life he had built for himself that he forgot he had everyone in his corner? Sitting here, staring back at the faces that had been through hell and back with him, Jihoon couldn’t remember the last time he had an honest talk with them. He prided himself in being the wise friend, the one they all come to for advice. But he realized now that friendship was more than that. Communication was important and it was a two way street. For the first time in a long time, he poured his heart out to his friends. 

The moment that realization hit him, Jihoon couldn’t stop. All the emotions he had held back, all the beautiful words he locked away in his heart finally came tumbling out in a mess of tears and nearly gibberish. He spoke of just how overwhelmed he was, of how pale and lackluster his love for you was in comparison to the vibrancy Soonyoung showered his partner every day. It was very apparent just how much his best friend had disagreed but he remained silent, fearing any objection would deter Jihoon from pouring his heart and soul out. Jihoon recounted just how many days you ate alone, went out alone, and slept alone. He was barely a boyfriend, he was barely a man, how could he ever expect to be a good husband for you, a good father to your future children. You deserved so much better. This was something he had never even spoken out loud, let alone admitting it to another person. His friends could no longer sit by and watch so they surrounded him in hugs, even supportive kisses. He told them of just how cruel he had been that night, that he thought it was better if you just hated him because it would be easier for you to move on. Even though he was choking on his own feelings, Jihoon felt light. Being able to let out his feelings, even if it wasn’t to you, was amazing. His friends spent the rest of dinner showering him with advice, singing his praise and for one rare moment, Jihoon simply soaked it in. This was just what he needed to face you. He finally felt brave enough to face you. 

Beyond everyone’s expectation, the wedding day started off as peaceful as a full day of 13 loud boys being all in the same room could be. The chaos that usually would overwhelm even a saint was strangely therapeutic for the lovesick Jihoon. He had risen earlier than everyone else and taken his coffee on the balcony of their hotel room. It wasn’t often that his entire group of friends could all be together anymore. Between different promotion schedules, family, and staying holed up in their studios, he longed for days like this. It was strange but sometimes Jihoon missed the days where they had nothing. Just a bunch of rowdy boys with a big dream, all laughing and crying together pooling all their money together just to afford one meal. They didn’t have much but they had each other. These days even their monthly meetings would often be missing faces. It didn’t take much convincing when Soonyoung had suggested they all share one suite at the hotel the night before the wedding for old time sake. They all nearly piled on top of each other to sleep but it felt amazing. For once, Jihoon felt rested. For once, you didn’t occupy his every waking and sleeping thought. As the sun slowly rose above the clear blue sky, the boys too began shuffling out into the living room to enjoy the slow of a good morning. As the clock ticked by, the room grew busy. Photographer and planner, bridesmaids zipping in and out of the room just to check that Soonyoung hadn’t worked himself up into a blissful fit and faint. Jihoon found himself lost within the current of the day, pictures after pictures, first look then even more pictures. Soon enough he found himself along with the rest of the boys smiling and waving at the crowd slowly piling in for the ceremony. 

“If I told you she’s coming alone, would that lessen your worries?” Soonyoung whispered softly when he saw the strained smile on his best friend’s lips as he watched the guests filling up the rows of chairs. 

“What..” Jihoon had been busying himself with greeting guests, jaws nearly falling off from smiling for hours straight and hands sore from the endless shaking.

“Y/n, she’s coming alone…” Soongyoung whispered, a teasing wink and an elbow nudging his arm was the last thing Jihoon felt before Soonyoung once more disappeared at the beckoning of the wedding planner. 

He was left standing there stunned, though the kaleidoscope of butterflies in his stomach already fluttering their ways to his heart the moment your name was mentioned. He tried not to but he couldn’t help but smile a little brighter at the fact that you were coming alone. The moment he had broken your heart, Jihoon knew one day he’d have to face his worst fear. He knew one day he’d have to watch another man live the life he had so desperately yearned for. To be your husband, to have a family with you was all Jihoon wanted in life at the end of the day. All these other hardships, all the mud he had to wade through to get there, none of that matter if you were happy. The walk to your apartment that night was the longest walk he had ever taken. Every step felt like his feet were encased in cement and the sound of your laughter was slowly chipping away at his commitment. Every step felt like another piece of him was being sliced off by the blade of life. He was unsure, his heart was beating a thousand miles an hour. Jihoon circled your building nearly 10 times before he finally steeled his nerve enough to face you. He knew he had to do it fast, had to because the moment you begin to cry he would abandon every resolve he had made. With the wedding looming, he knew the day he lost you again, forever, was also impending. Even though nothing was certain, Jihoon knew he had to try if he was to ever hope to make up for all the pain he had put you through. There wasn’t much time to dwell on the past before he too was whisked away into the line up for the ceremony. 

Jihoon stared down at the crowd just as he had before, nostalgia drowning him in its waves. He couldn’t help but let himself be pulled back to the first ever wedding you had attended with him. It had been Joshua’s wedding. You had been as bright as a tomato in summer when the group of rowdy groomsmen, and groom, cheered loudly when you had snuck Jihoon a kiss before parting ways to take your seat at the ceremony. Although Jihoon was sad he had to leave you for the entire hour it took for the ceremony and family pictures to conclude, he couldn’t help but smile every time he looked down at the crowd to see you already beaming up at him. The overwhelming mix of emotions was beyond anything he had ever felt before. He was so happy, so warm and cozy, so in love that his heart nearly couldn’t take it. If it wasn’t for the super important job of looking handsome in front of the entire crowd, Jihoon was sure he could pass out from the rush of dopamine right then and there. Not even when he had won his first ever award did he experience this kind of fulfillness, of happiness. You were so pretty and in his eyes, there was a spotlight from heaven shining on you, and you alone. From that very moment, Jihoon knew that you’d be the one he’ll come home to for the rest of his life. Strange the way life had turned out as he once more stood in front of all his friends looking back down at the crowd. Except this time that spotlight from heaven and the beautiful smile he had been searching for months were nowhere to be found. Jihoon held himself together, smiled when he needed to, and handed over the ring at the perfect moment, but deep down his heart was in anguish. He scanned the crowd again and again, looking for any sign that you had snuck in after the entrance to avoid him. But just as he searched aimlessly through the crowds every day since your song was released, he was hopeless. You weren’t coming. There was no denying the stinging in his heart that only worsened as the ceremony was coming to an end. This wasn’t like you. He had seen you gone out of your way to help friends and loved ones, always putting everyone else’s needs above your own. Jihoon couldn’t fathom what could have happened that you’d miss Soonyoung’s wedding, not after you had told him you were coming. The rush of emotions he was feeling was one he had never felt before but unlike the happier past, this time it was something sickening. Jihoon was dizzy, faces beginning to blur into one big mess of static. Jihoon rushed toward a far corner of the bustling patio, steadying himself against the wall before he collapsed out of the sheer pressure of his bleeding heart. For once he was glad for the noisy chaos of a party as he spiralled into his own insecurities. Jihoon couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault that you weren’t here, all his fault that you were isolated from all your friends. 

“Come on, Jihoon. I think we’re beyond the point of drinking old, warm beer.” Mingyu’s voice tore him away from the ear piercing echoing of the horrible words he had said to you that night. Jihoon looked up to see his tall friend sauntering over, snatching the bottle that he had been nursing for the past 45 minutes right out of his clammy hand. 

“Oh. I didn’t even realize.” Jihoon nodded, thanking his friends for the cocktail that was just roughly shoved into his hand although he wasn’t sure if more alcohol was what he needed this second. 

“Why are you hiding in the corner? You should be out there having fun.” Mingyu nudged his drink against Jihoon’s glass as they toasted a busy Soonyoung spinning at light speed to greet all his friends and families. 

“Is it that obvious? Sorry…” The look in Mingyu’s eyes was all the answer he needed. 

“Nah, what do you have to be sorry for?” An obvious lie as Mingyu forced himself to look away from his friend pale and cold as if he had just seen a ghost. "I just thought you’d be stalking Y/n by now… Not lurking in a random corner.” 

“She’s not here. I think it’s my fault… Honestly, I don’t blame her.”

“What are you talking about?” Mingyu raised his drink to greet someone in the distance, his nonchalant nature was beginning to bother Jihoon but he himself wasn’t even sure why. Was he the only one wholeheartedly concerned that you were missing from the celebration of one of your closest friends? Was no one else worried but him?

“I didn’t see her at the ceremony. I doubt she’d come to the reception. Probably didn’t want to make it worse for me.” 

“Uh, Jihoon… She was here.” To say Mingyu was confused was to say the least. He was entirely sure he hadn’t dreamt up winking at you the moment he had made eye contact as he made his way down the aisle. He was entirely sure too that he had almost broken all your bones in the bear hug that lasted far too long just 5 minutes ago. “Unless I almost suffocated her twin out there with my hug in the foyer, then she’s definitely here.” 

“What?” Jihoon wasn’t even sure if he was hearing the words vomiting from Mingyu’s mouth correctly. 

“Yea, I’m pretty sure it was her… She doesn’t have a twin right? Right?” Before Mingyu could go on another rant, Jihoon was already rushing off. 

His feet had carried him off toward the person that still possessed his heart after all this time even before his mind could process what he had just heard. You were here. He didn’t know what to say, what to do, or if you even wanted to see him… But he didn’t know what else to do. For once, he let his heart decide because he tried being logical, he really tried listening reasoning but all that got him was a broken heart.  All he knew was, you were here. The moment he walked into the foyer, his eyes searched for you immediately. It was intentional, and it was desperate. Even through the music and the noisy chatter, he could pin point your sweet laughter as if it was the only sound that existed. Jihoon thought he was brave enough for this, for you… but the moment he saw you bending over in laughter, he felt all his nerves failing. You were so beautiful in that dress he had mentioned he loved. Did you wear it just for him? Just for a second, Jihoon let himself get lost in the thought that you had dressed up just to see him. Your smile was just as bright as he remembered and it hurt that you weren’t smiling for him. He considered for a second to just leave, to abandon this reckless plan of his. Especially when Soonyoung and his new spouse had just gotten whisk away for another picture, he could so clearly see the twinge of melancholy dulling the sparkles in your eyes. Jihoon was suddenly reminded of why he wasn't sitting right next to you, why it wasn’t him you were laughing with, why there was a sadness in your eyes. He stood there staring at you, longing for you, wondering if he had any right to walk back into your life like this let alone fight for something he had ruined.

Jihoon was frozen, memories of better days came rushing back like shackles holding him in place. He thought of the first time he officially brought you to his friend group, how everyone had nudged each other with matching sly smiles. He had shushed them out of embarrassment, out of fear of scaring you off but deep down he was elated that they were happy to meet you. Jeonghan had confessed later on that night when you were long gone that they all knew you were the one. It wasn’t often that he’d bring anyone around, especially not someone that they could so very easily tell had his entire heart and soul. Jihoon felt himself going redder than a tomato, body radiating heat and it wasn’t because of the many soju bottles he had down that night. He shyly asked how his older friend knew. Jun had chuckled and said simply, “your smile, and how you couldn’t let go of her hand the entire night.” If he was red before, he was glowing white like a burning star at this point from happiness. Then Minghao joked that it was almost disgusting the way you both had stared at each other so lovingly as if the rest of the group wasn’t sitting right there, as if you both were the only soul in the entire city. Just like that you fit right into his chaotic little group, like a piece of puzzle they didn’t know they were missing. 

Standing here now, watching as you sway slightly to the music, Jihoon was mesmerized. He too, unknowingly, began to move to the music. As you gazed up at the crowd mingling and chatting away, Jihoon tucked himself behind a column and once more felt truly like a creep preying on you. He hated himself, hated that he was the reason you were alone, hated that he had made you cry, hated that he was the one to chase you away. Then the strange mixture of self pity and complete, utter infatuation for you turned into fear, into anger. He watched as a guy he couldn’t recognize got right into your face. Jihoon couldn’t hear what was said but he knew it was nothing good by the way your face twisted in discomfort. The moment he could see your eyes searching the room for any familiar face, Jihoon bubbled up with anger. He should be the one to protect you from the prying eyes of the world. He should be the one you turn to the moment you feel uncomfortable. Yet all he could do was stand here and watch helplessly, wondering if you still want him to whisk you away into the night away from the cruel world. Heat began to radiate through his entire body as he watched you flinched away when the guy ran his finger up your bare arm with a greasy smile. Fists balling up till his knuckles go white, a million thoughts ran through his mind but once more his body already began to move without command. It didn’t matter what the result of this would be, it didn’t matter if you’d be angry at him for barging back into your life, he would never risk your safety. Then he saw the perfect solution, the only few people in this room that he would entrust his life to. Before he could even decide if this was wholeheartedly crossing the line or not, he already grabbed Seungcheol by the arms and whispered for him to come to your rescue. Jihoon stepped back, relaxing only when he witnessed the terror in the guy’s face when the older man stepped in between to shield you. He breathed a sigh of relief, as eyes once more wandered back to you. He smiled a bit at the way your own smile brightened up at the sight of a familiar face. Although it stung seeing you hugged his friend so intimately when that was all he wanted for months. Jihoon swore your hugs had magic in them with the way his life could literally be falling apart and the moment he was in your arms, everything would be right with the world. He knew his time was running out. Soon enough that fateful first meeting would break his heart all over again. So for now, he settled back in the far corner of the room and memorized every single one of your details. Then Seongcheol whispered something into your ear and the next second your eyes shot up as if a car crash had just played out in front of you. You caught him. 

Jihoon hadn’t meant to rush off the way he did, not especially when you had done nothing to deserve the way he was acting. He felt like such a fucking loser staring at you, damn near oggling really… Then running away like this. What else could he do but run when the sad reality he had created was coming back to write him a check. He didn’t mean to shamelessly stare at you the way he did, as if you were some long lost holy grail he had just unearthed but he couldn’t help it. His friends had warned him that it was going to be hard, the first time he saw you again that is. Nothing, and he meant that, nothing could’ve prepared him for the moment he saw you looked up at him. Nothing could’ve prepared him watching you being flirted with by other men and the jealousy that he knew he had no right to feel. He was always secure in his relationship with you. Every time he had seen a guy walk up to you with a cocky smirk on his lips thinking he was going to get lucky, Jihoon would just sit back and enjoy the show. He knew you could handle yourself and he knew you were his. Without fail when the guy would awkwardly traipse away in defeat and you’d look his way, Jihoon would already be staring right at you with an allknowing, shiteating grin. Though once in a while, when he was feeling particularly possessive for no reason, Jihoon would saunter over and put his arm around your waist without a word. You would immediately catch on, pressing a kiss to his cheek before walking off in his arm with the biggest smile on your lips. Nothing, and he meant nothing, could ever prepare him for the day where he knew he was no longer a factor in this cat and mouse game of love. His feet had carried him off, fearing he had just ruined what little worth he had left in your eyes. His cheeks hurt. Perhaps from the cold air whipping his rosy skin, perhaps from the freshly fallen tears burning their way down his cheeks. Jihoon found a spot where no one in their right mind would wander out to in this weather and settled onto a bench. He pulled out the tiny picture of you he still kept in his wallet, feeling the weight of the world on his shivering shoulders. He let himself quietly sob as his finger traced the worn out lines of your face. 

He really lost you.

And although he knew he had no one to blame but himself, Jihoon couldn’t help but be angry. Angry at the way life had turned out, angry at the world. A heavy sigh left his lips as he stared up at the sky seemingly beginning to cry alongside his weary heart. He had no right. He lost all his privileges. It was all his doing. Would you hate him if he ran back to you now? He didn’t care how embarrassing, how much of a loser he would look running back to you with his tail tucked between his legs. Jihoon knew you would never judge him, you never did. Even when he was disgusted with himself and lashed out at everyone, you’d just hold him as if he was the most precious thing in the world. Yet it was wholeheartedly disrespectful to you and he could never do that to you. As the rain drops grew heavier, Jihoon resigned to dying in this spot he had settled in, self pity drowning him in its viscous waves. He thought he reached rock bottom the moment he walked out of your apartment but now, finally accepting that you were gone, Jihoon felt as if he had just been sucked into a black hole of pain. Just when he thought there was no way out, warmth emanated through his entire body as a gentle hold on his arm pulled him back to reality. You were there, right beside him. You had motioned for him to get up and his body immediately followed your command as if it had been waiting for this moment. Before he could even resist, you had pulled him by the sleeve of his jacket into the gazebo just a little way beyond the garden. You said nothing and settled beside him, though a painful distance away. Jihoon sat there, courage depleting as he stared at the heavy rain pattering against the wooden roof of the gazebo. He couldn’t bear looking at you, not in the state that he was in. He couldn’t bear looking at you because he had lost that right a long time ago. 

“Congratulations on your new song…” you were first to break the unbearable silence though your voice was barely there, quiet and so unlike the sweet tone he remembered. “Sorry I’m saying it so late. You won what, like 5 awards for it now?” A soft chuckle tickled his senses as he marveled at you. When was the last time he had heard you laugh, albeit sounding very foreign and restrained this very moment. You loved to laugh with him, you had said as much by the second week of dating. You loved it because you adored the way he laughs so freely and heartily that no matter how bad of a day you had, you’d always immediately followed suit. Hearing your soft chuckle now, it was almost as if someone had put your laughter in a glass cage. He didn’t like that.

“Thank you.” It pained him to feel so awkward around you. He still remembered the first time one of his songs hit the top 10. You had practically shouted to the world about your amazing boyfriend and his mindblowing talent. Your neighbors probably didn’t appreciate the ruckus you had made the entire week when it finally reached number one on the chart. “A-and don’t be sorry…” You nodded, eyes staring off into the distance and Jihoon wanted nothing more but to guide your gaze back to him. He was desperate for your attention yet the moment he caught sight of his crooked tie, dishevelled clothes, and no doubt messy hair, he was glad he wasn’t the subject of your study. 

“Did you like it?” It has been nearly 5 minutes now. Your eyes were still everywhere but on him, a kind smile on your lips as if you were recalling the better days. Maybe you were humming his song in your head… He was allowed to be delusional right?

“Oh… Yea, it’s a great song.” You choked out, almost as if you hadn’t expected him to ask for your opinion. Though there was no hiding that glint sparkling in your eyes when he did. You were studying a little frog that had hopped onto the railing, eyes watching the way the little thing was enjoying the refreshing rain. 

“It’s okay if you don’t like it…” He softly sighed, head hanging low fearing he was no longer important enough for you to give your honest opinion. That was the thing he loved a lot about you. While some people would praise him endlessly, even when he felt like everything coming out of his mouth was nothing but hot garbage. Even when the world became hateful, you were always kind with your words, reminding him that even Van Gogh had his haters. Though that didn’t mean you weren’t honest. There was something about the way you’d sit in silence after he had showed you a new track he worked on, almost as if you were letting the lyrics, the music soaking into your skin. He loved the way sometimes you’d ask him for time, to let you be one with the music before giving him your thoughts. He knew every time it happened that he was about to get the best release of his life. 

“I can show you my music app if you want to check the stat” Your smile was a bit brighter now, maybe a bit cheekier, a bit more familiar? You were already reaching for your phone, teasingly unlocking and scrolling through your apps. He just laughed. Laughed because you were opening up to him. But also laughed because when his eyes had met your screen, a wave of disappointment reeled him back into darkness. He knew he had no right to expect you to still have him as your background, but it helped not the hurt that he was no longer your background. He felt empty. 

“It’s okay. I believe you.” He was chuckling slightly alongside you now, doing his best to hide the sadness threatening to spill all his secrets. “Y/n…” He tested gently, letting your name fall from his lips as it had millions of times before but it felt foreign, almost like you were a scared bunny and one wrong move would send you running off into forever. 

“Hmm?” You hummed gently, eyes were back toward the sky. No doubt anywhere was better than looking at him now. You didn’t look angry, or sad… Just at peace. That made Jihoon terrified. It made him realize that you were okay without him, that you didn’t need him. 

“It’s about you… the song, I mean. I wrote it for you.” Jihoon thought you’d have gotten whiplash by the way your head snapped toward him. For just a microsecond he could see a flash of happiness in your features, in the way the corner of your lips curled up ever so slightly as if he had just confirmed your deepest question. Yet just as fast as it had appeared, it was replaced with a sad downturn. A million emotions were washing over your soft features in a short amount of time, like you were trying to decide which you should settle on. “It’s everything I wanted to say but couldn’t figure out how to say out loud.”

“Woozi…” You said his name, it was soft and warm like how you used to call out to him… but it wasn’t his name you were calling, it wasn’t Jihoon. The first time you had said his name since the breakup… You chose to call him by his producer name. He felt like a stranger in your life, as if he was just a famous producer and you, just a fan. He finally broke. There was no helping the strangled sob clawing its way out of his throat, like a dying animal gasping for the last breath of air. He saw panic in your eyes and the way your finger twitched as if debating whether you should reach out to touch him. He shook his head then lowered it, not giving any fuck that his tears were flowing freely. He must look so pathetic now in front of you. 

“I messed up… bad. I know there’s nothing I can do or say that will ever justify what I did to you. Even releasing this song was hugely selfish on my part. I don’t expect you to accept it or to forgive me.” His eyes met yours, a sad smile vexed on his lips as he recalled the excitement that used to be on your face whenever he’d dedicate a song to you. It was so far from reality at this very moment.  “I found myself calling out to you when I finished a song I’m proud of. I still save my new beats onto the little pink USB with your name on it to show you when I get home. I’m spiraling, Y/n. I know this isn’t your fault and you’re not obligated to help me or fix this… but I just can’t go another day without letting you know the song is about you…I debated so long if I should even approach you. I wanted to give you a real apology and an explanation but no matter how much time I spent thinking about it, even that felt selfish.” It was almost as if all the things he didn’t say the day he left had built up in his chest and this was the moment they finally exploded. He knew this was messed up. He knew he had no right to barge into your life and gave you a long self pity speech but he couldn’t help it. Even this urge to explain everything, to apologize just felt like a huge disservice to the unconditional love you had given him. It felt like he was only apologizing to make himself feel better because in all senses of the world, Jihoon still believed you were better off without him. Against his better judgement, even if you hate him after this… Jihoon had to let you know just how much he still loves you. The longing for your touch, for your warmth, for your love had never changed. It was as strong as the day he fell in love with you. It had taken all of him to walk away from you that day. If you knew he had collapsed in the stairwell of your apartment after he had walked out, would you pity him? His yearning for you only grew stronger with each day passing and it fucking hurt to see that perhaps it was the opposite for you. As he was growing weaker without you, you were growing stronger without him. You sat there staring at him with an indecipherable look in your eyes. With each second passing by, Jihoon felt like you were slipping a bit further away from his grasp. 

“Why?” When you finally spoke up, it wasn’t love but it wasn’t quite anger either. There was something soft around the edges, something Jihoon thought was pity but when you had looked up at him… He realized it was sadness. “Why did you leave me only to be worse off than you had been, hmm? If you’re going to break my heart, then at least live your life to the fullest and be happy, not make me worry about you.” Your words were heavy but it was far from the beratement he was expecting. He had expected anger, maybe even pity, but this genuine sadness was something Jihoon didn’t know how to accept. Even when he had broken your heart, you were still concerned about him. 

“I thought I was being too selfish… I couldn’t give you time like a normal boyfriend could. My work hours are all messed up. I was gone for days at a time every time a deadline would come. I was barely functioning as a human being, let alone be someone you could depend on. You sacrificed so much to make my life easier and I gave you almost nothing back. It wasn’t fair to you, I wasn’t being fair to you.” These were the things he had wanted to tell you that night. When he saw you stumbling back and crashing onto the couch when he had uttered those hurtful words, he wanted to break down. He hadn’t broken up with you because he stopped loving you. He broke up with you because he thought you deserved better, much more than what he could give you. “I was barely a boyfriend to you. How could I ever hope to be a good husband to you if I couldn’t even be there for you as a boyfriend. Hell, Y/n, I missed your birthday party because of a deadline. You deserve the world and all I did was take advantage of your love.” 

“Did I ever complain? I understand your job and your commitment to your passion. It wasn’t like you weren’t a producer when I accepted to be your girlfriend or that things had changed.” You inched closer, a bit more resolved than you had been when he first began his heartfelt confession… Though it still wasn’t enough for you to reach out to his hand. 

“But that’s the thing, love. You never did but you should have. You understand me too well and accept me too much to ever complain. But that wasn’t right. You deserved a lot more than a guy that was practically married to his job. You deserved someone who could give you everything.” He let his head fall into his hands, he couldn’t bear looking at you. He was so shameful. 

“So, what? You did me a favor, is that it?” For the first time since you sat down with him, Jihoon could feel a touch of sharpness at the edge of your soft voice.  “Did me a solid so I can hop on along to the next guy?” The little bite in the way you had said that cut deep. The implication that he had set you up for the next guy hurt far worse than anything else had been this evening. He never wanted to see you with anyone else.

“No… no, sweetheart, don’t say that…” Jihoon was panicking. It felt like this conversation was slowly beginning to spiral out of his control and any second now you’d storm off. How he wished he could take everything back this very second sitting here watching once more as your emotions unraveled. It reminded him too much of the day he walked away from you. “I just, I kept thinking, I’m barely here for you now. Then when we get married, have kids, what good am I if I can’t even be there to support you. What good am I if I can’t even be there for our kids? I kept thinking about all those nights you spent alone and about our future. I don’t want to be a failure as a husband, as a dad. I don’t want you to live like a single mom with a shit husband.” Jihoon exasperated though his heart felt light. This was the first time he had said his worst fear out loud.  

“Jihoon… You don’t know that. You never even gave yourself the chance to show the world how amazing you could be as a husband, as a dad.” There it was. You said his name. It was firm, but there was no denying the love still behind it. “ I committed myself to you. That meant I committed myself to your life, to your job, to your passion. If I wasn’t okay with that, I would have left myself. Did you forget we were good friends before ‘us’ became a thing? I know how you get when you work. Tunnel vision and one track mind. Did you forget how many times your friends called me to drag you out of your studio to eat and sleep and not work yourself to death?” 

“I know…”

“You left me without a reason. I thought I was the worst girlfriend in the world, Jihoon… Days, days I laid there questioning what I did wrong, how could I have missed all the signs. One second we were making plans to go on a trip. The next you left without a single reason beside you didn’t love me anymore… Someday I got so angry at myself, angry that I forgot how you like to take your coffee, how you liked your egg. Other days I felt nothing but panic because I suddenly couldn’t think of what your voice sounded like when you said my name…” The reminder of how cruel he had been to you that night came crashing back, souring in his throat like the morning after a night full of bad decisions. “All the reasons you made up to leave me behind, all those beautiful thoughts and lyrics you had in your brain… You never once thought just to ask me if I was happy?”

Jihoon wasn’t one to show his emotion often but this very second, everything he had felt, all the emotions he had in his body was being unleashed in full sobs. He had ruined his life on the account of one overcomplicated thought that devolved into a whole string of overcomplicated justification. Not just that… He ruined your life. If there was a way he could go back in time, he’d just hug you tighter, you were the lifeline he needed in this tumultuous stream of life. 

“Am I an idiot to you, Jihoon? I thought you knew me better than that. Am I the kind of person to sit there and take abuse without saying a word? Am I so difficult that you can’t come to me when you’re hurt?” You were exasperated and he didn’t know how to stop it. Oh God, he didn’t know how to comfort you anymore… that wasn’t a thought Jihoon had until this very moment. He always knew exactly what to do to comfort you… Not anymore. 

“No, love, never… I just, I thought you loved me too much to fight for yourself and to hurt me.” What he would give to go back to that night. What he would do to just break down in your arms and cry it out instead of hurting you like this. Why didn’t he just talk to you? A million why and what ifs were running through his mind but none of them matter. 

“Lee Jihoon, you literally come to me for advice on your songs… I know nothing about music or producing… What? Do you think I can’t give you constructive thoughts on our relationship, on the thing I’m quite literally one half of?” Your fingers finally made contact with his skin and it burned like a dying star. You were so warm, so beautiful right before his blurring eyes. Your hand, so gentle against the coldness of his cheek, thumb gently wiping away the tears still falling. He couldn’t help but smile at the way your voice had softened, how you were so close he could nose at your perfume, the same one he had gotten you on the last business trip. It didn’t escape him either the way your voice was so gentle now when you said his name, his real name… And that you had no objection to him calling you his love. The solace he found in your smile, just one simple touch was beyond anything he had tried the last 6 months. No matter what happened, at the end of the day, you were still his comfort and home. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”

“I was so far in my head that I just couldn’t see a way out. You were always so patient with me. Even when I would just disappear for days, you never once made me feel guilty about chasing my dream. I don’t think I’ve never thanked you enough for that. Sometimes I look at you and it’s like, I can’t even fathom how lucky I was. But then sometimes too when I listen to our friends talk about how their spouses were always there for them, even just for the little things daily… I felt so sad. I thought of all the nights that you’d go to bed alone because I was too busy. All the weekends all I could do was video call you instead of being there. It consumed me and all I could think about was how I’ve never given you anything brag worthy. I don’t have many people in my life that truly give me their unconditional love and care but you do. You always supported me even when I’m a cranky asshole and I’ve given you nothing.”

“That’s not true. I’ve bragged about you any chance I got. If anything, I thought I didn’t do it enough. I just don’t do it in front of you because you hate the attention. And I knew you always thought of me, even when we’re apart. Do you know how many paragraphs and pictures I sent to my girl group chat about the silly little things you used to send me daily? The house is so boring now without the little random noises you make. Home doesn’t even feel like home anymore. Sometimes I just sit in silence, close my eyes, and hope I can hear you sing little jingles about the random things you’re doing.” A mirthless laugh left his lips. How idiotic he had been. Jihoon had been focusing so much on the big picture and the distant future that he forgot to let himself enjoy the little daily things. “You didn't lose me because you weren’t enough or that we weren’t in love. You lost me because you made the choices for me. I never got to choose. Love isn’t some grand self sacrifice thing. It’s all the little things we do for each other daily that build up to a lifetime of happiness. We were supposed to work on it together. Shit… I thought you were going to propose on the trip we were planning…“

Your touches had been so familiar, so comforting that for a little while Jihoon forgot he was no longer yours. For a little while it had felt like one of those nights where his spirit had left this world and you would just spend hours hugging him, loving on him. The sudden reminder that he lost you when he was so close to being your forever, all because of his own stupidity nearly killed him. He didn’t know what else to do but to stare at you. For the first time since you closed the gap between your body, Jihoon found the courage to reach out to you. He held your hand against his cheeks, fingers gripping onto your hand so harshly that it was beginning to dig into your skin. He wholeheartedly believed that if he let go now, you’d disappear again. How was he ever going to make it up to you? If he had just taken that trip, you’d be his wife, his forever. 

“I’m sorry…” For a long while all he could mutter was apologies, endlessly and desperately. He didn’t know what else to do but cry and apologize even if he knew he was never going to be enough. “I’m so sorry. I have no right barging back into your life like this. I should leave…” It took everything in him to let go of your hand, to pull away from your touch. Jihoon had begun to get up when he felt your hand so delicately wrapping around his wrist. He wasn’t proud of it but all his resolve failed the moment he felt your touch and heard you calling his name so fondly. 

“Jihoon… just, sit. For a second.” He wasn’t even embarrassed at how fast he relented the moment you gave him just the smallest bit of affection. This was exactly what he had been wishing for the moment he walked out from your life, for you to pull him back.  “Thank you for rescuing me. Cheollie told me you asked him to go punch that guy.” You chuckled and Jihoon surmised it was because you knew it hadn’t gotten to that point only because Seungcheol has far more restraint than he did. It wasn’t often that Jihoon got jealous to the point of overprotectiveness, but when he did, it was glaringly obvious.  

“I wanted to… But I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to…” His doubts were quiet the second he saw you smiled, eyes studying the shyness playing on his features. “If I’m being honest, It felt strange, hurt to see someone else have your attention. I know I don’t have the right anymore but I can’t help but have these feelings.” 

“I know… I appreciate it all the same.”

The next moment was just as quiet as it had been when you first pulled him into this gazebo. You both sat there, staring at the rain and listening to the little orchestra of noises nature was putting on seemingly just for you and him. It had been a long time since he was able to just sit and listen to the world passing by with you, long before the breakup. Yet there was something warmer, something cozy as he felt you leaning on him. It wasn’t the bear hug you used to tug him into, it wasn’t the comforting hold he’d have around you as he stared into your eyes. It was simply just innocent shoulder touching shoulder, body just barely close enough to share warmth but it was so, so intimate. The silence shared was slow and content. For the first time in a long time Jihoon wanted to live in the moment, he wasn’t fearful of how slow the world was moving.

“So where does this leave us…” Though you were so close he could feel your soft skin warmed against his own, Jihoon wasn’t delusional. He knew that this wasn’t some magical meeting of the souls that would fix all the things he messed up.  It was nowhere near solved either but there was a deeper understanding that he had hoped for the moment he walked away from your life. He knew things between you and him were far from healed but he had to try. He knew you weren’t coming home with him tonight or that he’d be in your arms tomorrow morning.  Yet, hell would freeze over before he let you walk out of his life completely again, as selfish as that was. 

“I don’t know…” You sighed. He could tell you were still hurt by the way you looked at him. He was there, physically there in front of you yet there was a longing in your eyes as if he was just a ghost, like you were looking for someone from your past. Your smile didn’t quite reach your eyes and your voice wasn’t as carefree. “I honestly almost chickened out… I had forgotten about the wedding and you as the best man. When I saw the invitation, I just, I didn’t know if I was brave enough to smile in front of you. If I’m being honest, I didn’t know if I was brave enough to see you with someone else.” A soft, nervous chuckle lost to the wind thought it didn’t escape his keen senses. He found your little confession endearing, warming even at the thought that he wasn’t the only one feeling jealous. Jihoon wanted so desperately to sit here for the rest of the night and listen to you talk. 

“I’m glad you decided to come. I was really afraid you wouldn’t because of me.”  

“You know what’s funny… I still listened to your song a lot. Not the official version, not at home anyways. I’d come home and put on the demos you sent me just to hear your voice. Sometimes it makes me feel like you’re still here. When I heard the new song, part of me was convinced it was some crazy message you wanted me to hear. But mostly, I just told myself I was delusional.” You laughed a little at the mention of how deluded you had been. If only you knew how far deep into his own delusion Jihoon had been. He wondered if you’d call him crazy if you ever found out. 

“You weren’t, love. It’s for you, just you.” Courage like lightning striking his heart as he reached out for your hands, cold and pale from the wind still very much howling. You didn’t flinch away from him, in fact you let him hold your hands and let his fingers slowly petting warmth back to your skin. Jihoon shed the jacket still damp from the rain yet it’s infinitely better than leaving your bare shoulders shivering in the cold. He drapes it over your body, happy that you tuck yourself into the broadness of his jacket. What made him soar high in the sky was the fact that you let his hands return to yours.  “There’s nothing I can do that would ever be enough to make up for what I did… Hate me, hit me, be angry at me. I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve another chance but please don’t give up on me.”

“I don’t hate you, Jihoon. I could never hate you. I’m just hurt and confused.” You sighed once more, eyes were studying his sweet features and pale skin. For a moment your eyes settled on his lips and Jihoon was happy, even if he knew there was no chance you’d kiss him. Just knowing you still wanted to was enough for tonight. 

“I know it’s insanely selfish of me to ask, but give me one more chance?” Hands clasping yours tightly in his, a newfound braveness coursed through his veins as he soaked in your presence. “Let me prove to you I can still be the person you can depend on… And if a week from now, a month, a year, whatever it may be when you realize you don’t want me around, I’ll leave.” 

Your head tilted as you pondered his question and suddenly Jihoon felt himself thrusted back in the stream of memories. The sparkles in your eyes, the way you were studying his expression was very much the same one he had seen hundreds of times before. It was the look you’d have whenever he’d ask for your opinion on a new song, when you were mulling over the lyrics and beats. For just a moment, Jihoon let himself pretend that you were listening to a new song, to a new beat. 

“Hmm… How about you start by explaining the song to me and we’ll see where things go from there?” After what had felt like an eternity, not that he was complaining, you finally spoke up with the softest smile and he felt his heart bursting out of his chest.  

“Yea? You’d want me to do that?” 

“Yea. I think I’d much prefer listening to it the way you intended me to.”

“Come to my studio tomorrow? I can show you how I made the song and answer any question you have… Just like old times.” The mention of old times seemed to perk up your mood, though you were very much holding yourself back from reacting. Jihoon didn’t miss the way you bit your lips to stop a smile. 

“Are you sure tomorrow is a good idea…” your voice droned off and the fear that he had crossed too far into your boundaries once more rattling his bones. Yet when he looked back at you, suddenly all the exhaustion of the long chaotic day was washed away. You were smiling so playfully that for a moment Jihoon forgot this meeting might make or break his entire future. “You really think Soonyoung will let you leave the wedding standing up right? If he’s going down tonight, all 12 of you are going down with him.” 

“Fuck… I forgot about that. You think I can bribe the bartender to give me fake water shots?” Just thinking about the hangover already had Jihoon gagging, head spinning. 

“No chance, best man.” You quipped with a gentle punch to his bicep. Jihoon was reminded of the time he was barely pursuing you, praying every night that you’d reciprocate his feelings. Seungcheol had reassured him a hundred times over that you don’t just joke and tease any regular guy the way you did with him. Yet he was so infatuated he had convinced himself otherwise, even when you practically fell into his lap after he had made a corny dad joke. Jihoon feigned falling over, dramatic sighs leaving his lips but he really was dreading the long night to come, mostly because he really wanted to be there for you tomorrow. When silence had once more settled in, he just stared at you in awe. How you seemingly just fit right back into his life as if no time had passed, as if no hearts were broken. 

“Do you have the demo for it? I’d rather listen to it through your voice.” He should’ve expected you to ask for his demo yet it took him by surprise all the same. After all you had expressed endlessly that all of his songs were much better being sung by his “heavenly voice”. Although he had always thought you were just biased. “Maybe I can just listen to it tomorrow if you’re too tired.” 

“We can listen to it together, only if you want to, that is. Or I can send it right now if you’d like? Whatever you want!” He meant it. If you ask for it, he’d perform his whole damn discography for you right this second. Jihoon felt light seeing you smile, shaking your head slightly at how dramatic he had become. Yet when your smile mellowed to something somber, Jihoon once more felt fear rising in his chest. Did you change your mind?

“Jihoon, you have to know, I can’t promise you anything…I love you still, just as I had every single day for the last five years. But the pain I went through, it’s not something I can just easily forget.” You reached to straighten his tie, something he didn’t even realize he could miss. It felt so familiar, so intimate that Jihoon was reminded once more of how much love you gave him in the little things you did for him silently. You loved him through every warm meal you made. You loved him through all the time you shoved charger cables into his carry on bag knowing he always forgot. You loved him through the little sticky notes filled with reminders and tiny encouraging words. You loved him through every cup of coffee you’d quietly ordered to be delivered to his studio. You loved him so much. 

“I understand... All I can ask for is just one more chance to prove myself worthy of you.” He tried to reassure you but the melancholic smile on your lips was now a full pout. He loved the way you pouted at him. He never let on but it drove him nuts every time you’d pout when you didn’t get your way. So many times he considered saying no just to see it, but in the end he never could bring himself to actually do it. He never thought he’d see it again, especially not after watching you sobbed out in pain as he walked out of your life. 

“You were always worthy regardless of me, Jihoon. Don’t think less of yourself.”

“Love…” He knew he was pushing it. Just to have this conversation was already far beyond what he had imagined of your first meeting. But that was how he decided he’d be with you now, Jihoon will always be selfish when it comes to you. “Could I hug you?” He stared at the ground, far too fearful to even look at you in the eyes as he breached carefully over the wall he had helped you build up. The silence was unbearable. Jihoon felt as though he had just ruined all the progress he had made with you tonight. The fear of rejection was beginning to rattle his bones. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. You don’t-” He had begun to apologize again when he felt it, your warmth, your scent, your arms around him. You had one hand on the broadness of his back, gently patting him as you had thousands times before when he needed comforting. Your other hand gently stroking through his hair. Jihoon felt his heart leapt out of his chest because he never thought the night would end with him in your hold. 

“Your hair got so long… Last time I saw you it was all buzzed off, and pink!” 

“I miss you so much.” Jihoon greedily wrapped his arms around your waist, tugging you so tightly into his body that you were nearly on his lap. When he felt you laughed as he snuggled into the crook of your neck, Jihoon wanted nothing more than to stay here forever. He was only emboldened further when he heard you mumble a soft “I miss you too” into his hair.  

“Hmm, I remembered you saying you wanted to see me with long hair.” It was a detail that had come to him a month after the breakup when he found himself missing you. He had been looking through old photos when he remembered you digging through his old photo albums, sneakily stealing quite a few but he just pretended not to see. You had spent the good part of the hour flipping through pages so he quietly returned to his work. He was deep in his thoughts when a loud yelp nearly sent him to the pearly gate. He had looked up to see you excitedly pulling out a picture of him from college, smiling brightly as you pointed at it. You were gasping, holding it up right beside him for a comparison. It was so adorable the way you were in awe that he once had long hair, and was very blond. 

“Ahh, using my preference to your advantage I see…” You teased and he felt his skin glowed red. He could barely keep his eyes on you, feeling so embarrassed yet he couldn’t help but stare in awe at the way you were giggling. He really hadn’t thought about it that way but he did want to look good for you. Suddenly now that you were studying him with utmost care, he felt shy.  

“Can I confess something embarrassing?” Jihoon didn’t know what prompted him to do this. Perhaps it was the way you were still holding onto him as you did long before he could call you his. Perhaps he just wanted to stay in this moment just for a little bit longer. Perhaps he just wanted to see your smile again. 

“Hmm, you know you can tell me anything.” 

“I might have checked your social account a little too much and the boys might have nicknamed me Jihoonie the stalker…”

“Mr. Lee, is that the kind of behavior is that for a world renowned producer to have? I’m appalled!” 

“Is it also a good time to confess that I screenshot all of your stories and post just in case you delete them?” He rushed it all out in one sentence, voice grew meek at the way your eyes grew wider with each word coming out of his mouth.

“No… That is unacceptable behavior. I might have to report you to the authorities for stalking.” Your exaggerated gasp sent him into a fit of giggle that drew your own to follow. How long has it been since he was blessed with your bright, unrestrained laughter, Jihoon couldn’t recall. But being here now, enduring the fake punches you were landing on his arm, hearing you doubling over in a fit of giggle, and falling right into his chest… Suddenly the world felt right. Jihoon was so high in love and in happiness. For the first time in months the ground beneath his feet felt stable even if the future was still as uncertain as it had been before he walked back into your life. All Jihoon knew was he was no longer afraid now that you were here with him.  

“Jihoonie…” He didn’t realize how much he could miss the way someone called his name, yet here he was, smiling like a fool. His heart nearly stopped when you called out to him so sweetly, the way you had for the best years of his life. “I’m sorry I called you Woozi earlier… I don’t know why I did that. I know you didn’t like me using your work name when it’s just us.”

“It’s okay, love. If I’m honest, hearing you say my name in any capacity is enough for me. I really thought you’d have some choice words to call me by.” Newfound courage drew out a hearty laugh as he reached up to tap your nose gently with his finger. A playful giggle delighted the air when you scrunched your nose up at his touch, a sweet smile on your lips. 

“Are you feeling better?” 

“Yea…” He sighed softly, doing his best to hide the fact that he’d feel so much better if you accepted him back as your boyfriend this very moment but he had to be patient. “Thank you.”

“Let’s head back inside, reception starts soon and I’m sure Soonyoung is freaking out that his best man is missing. ”

Jihoon nodded, feeling empty once more when you let go of the hug. He wanted so desperately to hold your hand as you both walked back into the reception. Better yet, he wanted to leave this moment with you and head to his studio for the session you wanted. Yet he was happy just being able to walk alongside you on the same path once more and listening to your little story of the day. He was just happy that you had asked to keep his jacket for a little longer. He knew it would be a long way to get back to where he was with you, a long way till you’d let him call you his girlfriend again… A long way until he can call you his wife. Jihoon silently promised himself that he’d do everything possible to be the best boyfriend, best husband if you ever let him. Until then, he’ll be patient and never again will he let you go. If he ever gets the chance Jihoon will be selfish with your touch, your smile, your hug, your love. For now, all he hoped for was that you’d let him have one dance with you before the night is over.

“Oh, come on. It shouldn’t be that hard to choose.” Seungcheol finally spared you a glance, intrigue at the sudden silence. Or rather the lack of protest against him asking you yet another frivolous question. 

“I- I don’t know. You asked out of nowhere, I didn’t have time to think about it.” The answer that had just left your lips was about as convincing as snow in August. You knew it. He knew it. Shit, you were in trouble now. 

“What is there to think about? It’s a simple question, Y/n. Abs or biceps? You’re telling me in all your hormonal teenage years and lonely college nights until now, you’ve never thought about it?” He hadn’t even looked at you once even though it was your room he had barged in, your bed he had made his home for hours. Suddenly all his attention was on you, eyes scanning the way your skin slowly began to glow red, the way your gaze couldn’t remain in one place. 

“Ew, don’t talk about my hormones… or my lonely nights. And why are you suddenly so interested in my preference anyways?” So you did the only thing you knew best, pretend irritation vexed on your features as you swatted him away. Seungcheol had sat up now, the bunny plushie he had gifted you for your 7th birthday securely snugged in his lap. 

“I’m not… It’s just something I saw online.” Oh how the table had turned as it was now his smooth, tan skin that was beginning to glow red. His eyes were everywhere but on you, no doubt regretting this little inquiry he had started. 

“Right… Well, I’m still not telling you.” You quipped, returning your attention to the art project you had spent hours fixing on your tablet all because you forgot to switch to a new layer. 

“Why not?” You didn’t have to look to know exactly what kind of look your dear best friend had on his face this very second. That whiny tone and the way he had huffed, no doubt that adorable pout was on his lips. Not that you’d ever let Seungcheol know that you found his pout cute, or that a sulky Choi Seungcheol was your most favorite version of him in the world. 

“Because… It’s kind of weird to talk to you about those things.” It was true. He might have no boundaries on all the gross boy things he blurted out in front of you but that didn’t mean you didn’t. There were just certain things you’d rather die than tell Seungcheol. 

“You talk to your girls about these kinds of things, don’t you?” He sat there in silent, bated breaths until you finally hummed a simple yes in response. “Are you really saying you’re closer to other people than me? Your best friend of your whole life?” That damn whiny tone, why did he have to use that voice on you. 

“I’m not saying that, Cheollie. It’s just… hard to talk about this specific thing with you.” The more you exasperated, the more whiny Seungcheol got. There was no way he’d let you off the hook this time. If there was one thing he was good at, it was being persistent and really annoying when he wanted to. Suddenly all the questions about your plan for the day made sense. He knew he had you trapped, you had nowhere to be but here. Whatever game he was playing today, he had you right where he wanted. 

“Fine… I’ll drop it…” Seungcheol muttered lowly, a heavy sigh left his lips as he flopped right back down onto your bed. That was strangely… easy? You never knew Seugcheol to just drop a topic once he had cling onto it. If there was one thing you knew for certain about your best friend, it was that he was a stage 5 clinger. This has begun as just a dumb question to pass the time, but why did he sound so disappointed. Since when was this little silly topic meant so much to him? Well, colored you intrigued.

“Are you sulking, Mr. Choi.” You teased, not because you were in the mood to set him off or anything. You teased him to buy time to prepare for what was about to come out of your mouth. 

“Don’t call me that. Make me sound so old.” Right, you really ticked him off now. 

“Cheollie…” You called gently to no reply, uncomfortable silence began to fill the space between you and him. “Do you want to know the answer I’d give any random guy or…”

“Or?” He feigned disinterest, eyes glued to the screen of missed calls he had been pretending to busily scrolled through for the last minute or so. 

“Or do you want to know the answer I’d give you?” There it was, you got him. The way he had shot up so fast from where he had been playing a dried up starfish should be in some sort of record book. 

“Me… Obviously… But I wouldn’t mind knowing what you’d tell some random guy either.” He stated matter of factly, as if this whole thing didn’t start off as some ridiculous thing he had seen on the internet. 

“If it was just a random guy, I’d say biceps.” The shit-eating grin that had just bloomed on his lips reminded you of just why you were so envied by so many girls in high school. If there was a second thing you knew about your best friend, it was that he had the fucking physique of a Greek God. There was no denying just how handsome he was. Beyond that, he knew how to carry himself. Just cocky enough to draw every girl and guy his way, but in a very self assuring way to not come off as a jerk. The deadliest part? Seungcheol was never afraid to be silly, to be sensitive when he needed to be. He wasn’t shy about showing just how in touch with his emotions he was. When he decided to give someone his attention, thunder could strike him and he'd still be 100% attentive.  But that doesn’t mean he didn't walked around flexing his stupidly perfect muscles as if it was currency. He was a guy after all and he was definitely rich in muscles, especially biceps. Most definitely biceps. “Don’t! I can feel your smirk from here.” And he was damn proud of his muscles.

“Okay, okay… I’ll stop.” There was no stopping this man, even as he promised to stop you could still feel the wide smile in his tone. “What about if it was me?” 

“Well, if it was you…” You swallowed hard and the air shifted. No longer was there a touch of playfulness in the way he looked at you. Seungcheol was teetering on the edge of your bed, though this time he was unusually still. His gaze was so sharp, so focus that you could feel the hair on your neck raising. A chill ran down your spine with the way he studied your every movement. “I’d say your dimples, your smile, your voice, your bare face, your…” You were losing your confidence fast. Why you had decided to be so brutally honest, you didn’t even know yourself. He had already given up. Sure you'd have to deal with a sulky large man, but it wasn't like he didn't sulk every other hour. By the way your best friend had nearly teleported just to sit right beside yourself when he failed to get you to look his way, he too was surprised at your honesty. 

“My what…” He pressed. Seungcheol was so close you could feel the warmth of his breathing gently fanning your skin. He smelled so goddamn amazing and this very moment, you were dizzy. Dizzy from how intoxicating his scent was, dizzy from how close his face was to yours, dizzy from your confession. Your words and thoughts were all jumbled up, dancing in your mind so you shut your eyes to hide just how flustered he has made you. 

“Look at me.” He didn't demand, he didn't ask. The way he had whispered those words was so gentle, almost as if he was begging you to. So you obeyed, staring deep into those beautiful eyes. “Finish what you were going to say”. For just a moment, his eyes flickered down to your lips, leaving you both needy for his attention but also wanting him to cross every boundary of your friendship. 

“Your humor. Your kindness. Your selflessness…” The rest of your list was swallowed up in the kiss he had just pressed to your lips. Funny how many times you had imagined those plush lips on yours, how amazing it would feel to be kissed by the one and only Choi Seungcheol. The moment you face him, all your courage would be lost. You’d feel guilty, so guilty for thinking of your best friend in such a sinful way when he probably didn’t even think of you in that way. Melting into his touches now, it was so much better than anything your wildest dream. He was so gentle, yet behind each turn of his head, each bite of your lips there was such intention. It was as if he too had been wanting this for as long as you had. He left you breathless. Even as his neediness had mellowed out, Seungcheol couldn’t stop pressing chaste kisses all over your features, anywhere he could reach without breaking away from the hug he had you in. 

“You mean it?” You searched his eyes for any sign that this was just a game, some kind of misunderstanding but all you found was an ocean of warmth and love. He stared at you, just as he had so many times before but this time there was something freeing, something uninhibited. 

“Hmm, all of it and a lot more.” When he finally settled down beside you with his arms wrapped entirely around your body, it felt like home. You had always belonged in his arms but it was so much more than that now. 

“How come you never told me?” He whispered against your forehead where he had began to kiss you endlessly.

“Because I was afraid of how you would react… I didn’t think you felt like this.”  Letting your head rest on his chest, you couldn’t help but smile at how wildly his heart was beating. “So, was this the answer you were looking for?”

“I didn’t think you’d be so honest, but I’m glad you were.” You craned your neck to look at the shy blush rosying his cheeks but he only pulled you right back onto his chest. “I was just hoping you’d say enough for me to have the courage to confess to you, but this was so much better.” 

Who would’ve thought a silly little question would’ve landed you your dream man.

The world had not been in his favor. It hadn’t been for a long time and in fact, Changbin could pinpoint exactly when he had fallen out of its favor. Life hadn’t been kind either for if it had, he wouldn’t be weaving through the lively path of a bustling city on a Friday night. Had life been unkind because that was just the nature of life, ever so fickle? Or had life been unkind because you were his whole world, and in every way possible, his world did not want to see him right now? Or perhaps ever. 

His feet were steadfast yet his mind was moving in slow motion. His vision began to blur. Was it tears? Was it his brain succumbing to the many sleepless nights? Whatever it was, it didn’t help the man floating aimlessly in this ocean of pain as Changbin collided into a couple hovering beside a storefront. They were so nicely dressed, no doubt happy on a date, wonderfully in love, and so far in contrast to Changbin’s current state. As soon as they had steadied themselves, the boyfriend had Changbin by the collar, the other fist hanging in the air threateningly as his girlfriend begged him to let it go. Probably just a dumb drunk guy, she had whispered, eyes carefully studying the disheveled look of the large man barely holding on. They must have not been dating for long because the guy began to shout loudly and put on a show. He was shaking Changbin as more and more threats began to dirtied the air surrounding the scene. Now, any other day, this little encounter would have ended as soon as the guy had grabbed his collar. Changbin wasn’t one to back down from a fight, not when he knew there wasn’t a fight he couldn’t win. The snarl on the boyfriend’s lips, the way his eyes glossed over Changbin size as if calculating his chances… It wouldn’t even get that far. But tonight was anything but normal. Tonight, life had whittled him down to barely a shell of a person. So when his hand finally connected to the man that was slowly cowering, it lacked the ferocity he was used to. Though that didn’t mean Changbin didn’t send the poor guy flying with just one swift shove. The boyfriend landed on the ground hard, screaming and cursing but he knew it was best to stay down. After all, even as unfocused and dazed Changbin had been, even as uncalculated and careless as that shove had been, there was no denying the force that was behind it. His girlfriend lowered herself to help, though eyes were still very much on the zombie of a man stumbling into the crowd parting like the red sea. No one dared say or touch the gloomy cloud once more on his way toward sunshine.

 Delirious eyes reddened, overworking to take in all the landmarks along the way. The bookstore, the bakery, the cute little cat statue in the flower bed by the convenience store… Changbin was operating purely on muscle memories as his brain was consumed by the need of you. He counted every single landmark you had pointed out after he had gotten lost a few to many times on his way over. Each one passing brought him closer to you, each one passing drove him a bit crazier. Feet moving far too fast now and he didn’t give a damn who he bumped into. Your words were echoing in his mind hauntingly yet like a life line reeling him back from the stormy sea of anxiety, of worthlessness, of everything bad in this world. 

“Pinky promised me! Changbinnnn!” 

Your voice like a hymn, heaven sent ringing out so clearly in his mind. Even the way you whined his name… Did you know he was absolutely weak for it, a goddamn loser at your beck and call every time you say his name so soft and sweet like that. Changbin wondered if you ever noticed the way he’d look at you every time you’d call for him, just how much he yearned for hearing his name falling from your pretty soft lips. 

“If things ever get bad, even if you think it’s nothing, I need you to come talk to me. Anytime.”

“Even when I pissed you off?” He had teased you, fingers gripping at your hips sending you into a fit of ticklish laughter, turning bright red when you flailed right into his lap. 

“Yes, Binnie. Especially when you royally pissed me off, I still want you to come to me.” You had pinched both his cheeks, gently guiding his head to nod yes. “I’d rather hold you while you cry than let you go through it all alone. I’d rather hurt my own feelings than knowing you’re struggling and I’m not there to help because God forbid if you do something stupid, I need to be there to remind you that you’re worth it. I said anytime, I mean anytime.”  

He really had just meant it as a joke, how everyone had always teased him that his high energy self would wear you out one of these days. Yet as the entrance of your apartment slowly came into view, Changbin couldn’t help but replayed the disappointed look in your teary eyes the last time he had seen you. Suddenly he felt his heart heavy with the question of if you really meant it, when you had said anytime. Would you hate him for showing up after all he did? Would he be too crass if he asked you for a hug? Would you let him sleep over at your place, even if it was just on the floor in the living room? 

As the familiar rows of cherry blossoms that were still barren from the frost of winter became clear, Changbin felt a weight lifted off his shoulders. A sigh of relief finally escaped. Like a sobering drunk, he ran across the courtyard, reckless abandon. His lips muttering your names over and over like a prayer. Changbin wondered if he was finally so sleep deprived that he had finally reached the delusional stage. His ears strained, there was no doubt that was your laughter. He wouldn’t mistake that beautiful sound for anything else in this world. It was ringing out so clear, crisp and sparkling against the freshly fallen snow. He searched the rows of dirty yellow streetlamps and snow covered bushes for any sign of his safe haven, eyes began stinging from the frigid air. Then, like the sweet relief of ice cold water on a hot summer day, you walked right into his view. You were just as beautiful as he remembered – cheeks rosy and hair a bit longer now. A gush of wind chased a giggle from your lips as you pretended to stumble from its strength, tugging your jacket closer to your face. Changbin found himself smiling alongside you, hypnotized by the way your eyes shined so brilliantly. Yet just as with anything else in his life the past few months, the second he felt the ghosting of salvation touching his skin, everything fell apart. He watched on, as a young man dressed up so nicely matching your outfit rounded the corner. The man was so beautiful that Changbin felt perverse for staring the way he had been. It felt illegal, like he was watching two angels dance amongst the snow. His smile was so warm like summer, soft freckles dotting his fair skin so beautifully. His hair a bright shade of fresh spring afternoon, pulled back neatly in a bun. He was staying so close to you, a hand on your back to steady your step. You both were laughing at something you had just said. You always said the silliest things but Changbin had always found it to be such a cute quirk. He had always pretended that you were only acting like that around him. The sudden reminder that your kind soul was being shared with everyone else plunged him into the depth of hell. 

How could he be so foolish? What makes him think that you’d just sit around and wait for a loser like him to come around? You could do so much better than him. You deserved so much better than him. So against every fiber of his being fighting to move forward, Changbin began to step away. His eyes were still very much trained on you, not knowing when the next time he was able to see you so happy was. He didn’t want to waste this opportunity although he knew he should leave before he fully lost grip with reality. Hands once more clawing at his chest, Changbin felt like the Earth had opened up. That sinking feeling he had felt the entire way to your house was like a virus spreading, taking control of his body. Every molecule in his body felt like it was being pulled apart as pain worsened. For the second time that night, his body betrayed him. His feet had been moving with increasing speed yet his eyes were still on you. Disaster struck as he stumbled onto the curb of the path and crashed hard into the ground. Shit. Perhaps if he stayed still, you wouldn’t see him. 

Too late. 

As he stared up at the inky night sky, watched the snow descending slowly to cover his body, Changbin could hear you calling his name. You had crashed right beside his body, horror in your widened eyes as your hands worked quickly to check his body. You looked up at your beautiful companion, muttering a quick goodbye as he reluctantly walked off. Your lips were moving fast but Changbin heard nothing, a loud ringing tore through his senses. You struggled to pull him to sit up by his arm, nearly falling backward yourself. For the first time that night, Changbin’s reflex finally synced up as he reached out to catch you. The moment he felt your hand caressing his cheek, his vision went blur as he sat there paralyzed. Your touch was like a strong electric jolt shocking his nervous system, sending it into overdrive. 

“Binnie, hey…” You were calling him. It was that same sweet, whiny call of his name that he had yearned for every night since you walked away. It was so soft, so delicate yet it had cut through the last bit of tightly wound string around his heart. Like a dam in a storm, Changbin broke down. 

“I can’t take it anymore, Y/n…” That was all he needed to say before your arms already wrapped around his shivering body. Imagine that, a big strong man like himself sobbing like a tiny baby in your arms. He felt so vulnerable, so weak as you pulled his head onto your shoulder. The way he was so desperately gripping at your body, fingers digging into your jacket so harshly he could feel the softness of your body. 

“Tell me. What’s bothering you?” You didn’t move, not when the snow began to fall harder, not when he nearly knocked you onto the ground as he sobbed. 

“Everything is so wrong. I’m at my wits end and I have no one to turn to.” Loud sobs vibrating through the dark night, lost in the whistles of the wind. Your hand shoved roughly into his hair, fingers digging into his scalp the way he had loved so much. He asked you to do that often, unashamedly. Every time he had a long day, every time he worked out a bit too hard, you’d just sit there and massaged his scalp for as long as he wanted. Changbin couldn’t believe how much he took all your little sweet gestures for granted, as if he’d always have access to you. 

“Sweetie…” You cooed against the shell of his ears, warmth tickling his skin. “You have me. I meant it when I told you I’ll always be here for you when life gets hard. Anytime means anytime.” The grip he had around your body could only be likened to that of someone that had just been pulled from death’s hold, desperate, fearful, thankful. 

“I shouldn’t even be here. You deserve better than someone broken like me clinging onto you all the time. I tried really hard to stay away but I can’t, I need you.” You whispered for him to look at you but he didn’t have the courage to, so you let him stay in the crook of your neck. 

“Changbin, you’re one of the kindest people I know. You might look at yourself and see just broken bits and pieces. When I look at you, I just see this incredible man that survived and put himself back together despite the world rooting against him. Sure the pieces don’t fit together quite perfectly, but they don’t really need to be perfect. You don’t have to forget about all the bad things that happened. The scars, the cracks in between the pieces of yourself remind you of how far you’ve come, of the hardship you overcame, of how much stronger you are as a person now. But that’s not to say that you can’t have a bad day. Everyone has moments when they feel like they’re at the bottom of the trenches and there was no way up. All you need is just a little help and that’s what I’m here for. I’m here to tell you that no matter what, you’re worth it. I’m here so that you don’t have to be strong and brave all the time. If you want to be vulnerable, if you want to be a baby, if you just want to lay there like a starfish and watch the world go by… I’ll be here to watch over you and keep you safe.”

Changbin finally found the courage to look at your face. He searched your eyes for the disappointment that had haunted his every waking minute but all he found was love. You looked at him with the same wonder and awe you had when he was at his highest, when he felt like he was on top of the world. Changbin didn’t know what had gotten into him but he leaned forward, so close he could feel your breath hitched in your throat. His gaze wandered between your eyes and your lips, silently, as if asking the question he couldn’t bring himself to say out loud. You didn’t pull away, head tilting just barely with a soft nod and that was all the confirmation he needed. Changbin leaned in, gentle but by no means lacking in intention. The moment your soft lips touched his, Changbin felt something inside himself breaking. He slid his hand onto the back of your neck, holding you close but not because he was scared you’d run away. He just needed to feel that you were really there, and that this wasn’t just a dream. When you felt him slowing out of hesitation, you nudged his nose with your own as if letting him know everything was still okay. His kiss was no longer gentle but it wasn’t quite rushed either. It was careful, intense. He was so fully lost in you. This was something he had wanted for so long but too much of a coward to do anything about. Then just as quick as he had leaned in, Changbin suddenly pulled away, panic once more took control of his body.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have… I’m so sorry.” he muttered over and over again as if it was a spell that could take back all the shitty things he had said to you, as if it could take back what he just did. 

“Hey, shhh, you’re okay.” You were pulling him close again. Why were you pulling him closer again? Changbin was confused but he was far more selfish. He made no attempt to fight you, not even a little bit as your hand went to the nape of his neck and held him in place. 

“You were on a date. I’m so fucking sorry, Y/n.” Changbin truly felt like he was hanging on barely by a thread, reality distorting. He shook his head, doing his best to put distance between your bodies yet as strong as he was there was no help the way your arms held him so tightly. 

“Date? Felix? That’s my cousin, Changbin. He just moved to the city so I was showing him around.” You muttered warmly against a gentle kiss you had just pressed onto his tears covered cheek. Your hand tangled deep in his soft, beautiful hair, gently grounding him to reality. 

“Cousin?” For the first time ever Changbin flinched away from you, eyes searching to see if this was some sort of crazy prank. 

Suddenly it made sense, the way he had found you both so breathtakingly beautiful, you must have been cut from the same cloth. The way both your smiles had nearly been identical as if chiselled by a master ancient Greek sculptor. The way you both had felt so much like sunshine and sunflower. Head hung low in embarrassment, Changbin couldn’t help but cursed himself for being such an idiot. Yet there was no helping the bit of happiness glowing deep in his chest. He couldn’t face you any longer, embarrassment, fear, everything was raging like a storm in his chest. His eyes befell onto the glistening snow as he did his best to avoid your eye contact. Then he saw it, the snow soaking your stocking that was slowly turning crimson from the cuts on your knees. He had been so careless, only worrying about himself and not realizing just how hard you had crashed onto the ground to catch him. 

“Fuck, your knees….” Changbin rushed to swipe away the snow, strength finally finding its way back to his body at the sight of you hurt, nearly knocking you over. 

“Oh, it’s fine.” You tried to stop his frantic hands. “Really, it’s just a couple small cuts. It’ll go away in no time.” There was no stopping the worried man. 

“You’re bleeding, that’s not fine.” Before you could protest further, Changbin had already gotten up. You reached out your hand for support yet the next moment finding yourself being scooped up by the strong man. He stiffened the small surprise yelp falling from your lips with another kiss, whispering gently for you to stay when you pulled away.  

“I’m supposed to be helping you right now… Not the other way around.” You quipped but that only earned you another kiss. 

“Later. Let me take care of you first, okay? We’ll talk more, I promise. I just need a distraction from all the bad thoughts right now…” Changbin curled up his arms to hold you closer, nosing at your frost bitten cheek. The scent of your perfume filled him with a sense of ease. You were like a potion healing him with each second he get to hold you.  For a moment he just stood there holding you in silence, eyes fluttering closed. For a short while both of you stayed there just enjoying each other’s presence, taking in each other’s warmth.

“Okay…” You finally whispered. Your arms tightened around his neck, head leaning in his chest listening to his heart beating wildly. Changbin didn’t need to be told twice before walking down the path far too familiar to your apartment. 

Changbin tried his best to focus on walking down the icy path, a difficult task normally made so much harder by the way you were giggling into his chest after saying something silly. Changbin knew this was far from the happy ending he desperately set out tonight for. There was far too much that hadn't been said, far too much he hadn’t apologized for. Just because you kissed him doesn't mean that tomorrow was promised for him. In fact, this had only added a much more complicated question to everything else he needed to answer. Just for tonight, Changbin will be selfish with your attention. He’d soak up all the love you’ll give him and heal before embarking on the next chapter with you no matter how hard it might be.

Darkness swallowed you up just as it had your source of light and happiness the day he had walked away. You could no longer tell when it was day and when it was night. The curtains to your bedroom permanently closed as you couldn’t bear facing another passing day. Your life became a big blur fueled only by muscle memory. Wakeup, work, home, maybe eat, sleep, repeat. Your body moved through the motions but your mind didn’t command it to. As you laid here on your sixth week of being abandoned, somehow the retina burning brightness of your screen didn’t hurt as much as the unchanging date that read “June 10, 2025” on his last post. Your thumb scrolled mindlessly, refreshing his profile over and over as if another post would magically pop up if you scrolled hard enough. Your eyes began to water. Another day passing meant another day had gone without even a single crumb from the man you gave your heart and soul to for the past 5 years. He had quit you cold turkey and there was nothing you could do to change it.

Jihoon had always been a private person. He preferred to love you in the little things he does daily. He never felt the need to show the world the sweet gestures and loving words he showered you with every waking second. His love was meant for you, and you alone… Jihoon meant that in every possible way of the world. Despite the endless beautiful lyrics written about you, for you, being played over speaker at nearly every cafe in the country, his love made you feel like you and him were the only souls in this world. You never minded that. You didn’t need anyone else to know how much you love him and how much he loves you… Loved you. Even before you had shared one heartbeat, he was never one to post much anywhere. He only had one social media account out of work obligations, and work was the only thing he posted about. You remembered how frustrated you had been when this great love of yours was barely a crush so long ago when your childhood friend, Seungcheol, introduced you to his college friends. It didn't take long for you and Jihoon to get close. You were both similar in so many ways and being with each other was truly effortless. You had been so excited when he took the initiative to follow you first only to realize that the only crumbs you’d ever get of him were from the glimpses in the background of his friends’ posts. Even after you became his girlfriend, his account remained strictly business with nothing but album covers and release dates. He was never shy to tell people that you were his great love and sang your praises any chance he’d get. He made it a point to let you know he would never hide you from the world, talked about you all the time and to anyone that was willing to listen. Everyone knew you were his girlfriend, his one and only. Even on the rare occasion he’d post a story of some work event he’d dragged you to, there would only be glimpses of your hand, the back of your hair, a closeup of your features. Always with the caption “my love”.

As you continued to scroll through his account, cover art after cover art, it finally hit you – Jihoon was gone and to you, he was Woozi now. You were nothing more than another fan, another stranger admiring him from afar. You didn’t get to know the little intimate details of his life anymore. He was gone and there wasn’t a damn thing you could do to satisfy the insatiable yearning you had for him. The tears you thought had been emptied after the fourth week had passed suddenly flowed uncontrollably, like a broken dam during a storm. He was gone and you were left behind without a single physical trace to let you know that Lee Jihoon was indeed a real person, and not just the perfect man your deluded lonely mind had dreamt up. You became acutely aware of the emptiness he left behind and it was a vast emptiness. He had stopped sharing his location the moment he walked out of your apartment for the last time into the darkness of the cold night. His clothes were gone from your closet, his mugs from your cupboard, his guitar from your living room, his car from your garage the day before that. 

You stared up at the room barely visible, blurry from tears, trying to recall where all his things had been but your mind was in a jumble. Each day passing meant another day without making new memories of him, another day the memory of Jihoon you had made was slowly being worn out. You found yourself getting angry more often now for not being able to recall things he did and said. The fear that one day you’ll forget what he looked like, what he sounded was slowly becoming reality. Now, that fear was mingling with a new fear. The fear that you'll never get to know what he’ll look like, what he’ll sound like in the future. It was slowly engulfing you in its nauseating hold. They both tangled up in a nightmarish dance that you couldn’t escape and it left you choking in  your own emotions. 

You were no longer important to Lee Jihoon. 

By the 3rd month of being alone, you found comfort in not knowing. Perhaps it was better off that you didn’t know. It made moving on easier… not that you had moved on. You didn’t know how long it would take you to move on from Jihoon, but it would definitely be more months than you could count on your hands. There were days still, where you laid in your own despair, scrolling aimlessly hoping to catch a glimpse of that beautiful smile in someone else’s background. Then there were days where you were just content, and random reminders of him would just make you smile. They made you happy even, that you got a chance to love Jihoon. It didn’t hurt to hear his name anymore. It used to cut deep when he would come up in conversation, made worse when you can see the hesitation in your mutual friends’ features after realizing they had just muttered his name casually. You’d smile, telling them it was okay and that he wasn’t some big villain that can no longer be mentioned around you. Reality? It fucking hurt. Like rubbing salt into your tattered heart but you shouldered it all. Why? Because that was the only way you got to know any detail about him now. For months no one would bring him up, not even a fleeting mention of what he was doing or if anyone had even checked in on whether he was doing okay. Your heart was slowly shriveling up, parched for any drop of Jihoon but no one was willing to give into your desperation. You loved them for trying their best to protect you, but the you of the past were angry from the lack of acknowledgement that you were once important to Jihoon. You felt like a sobering drug addict, desperate and painful. Though now that the dark cloud had cleared and you had a better view of the near future, you were grateful for your friends. They knew moving on would never be possible if you were hanging onto every thread connecting your life and his. 

Eventually you stopped thinking about him every waking minute of your day. Mentions of him were now becoming just a casual update, it made you smile hearing his name but it was like seeing a butterfly fluttering by. It’d catch your attention, you’d smile at it, then that was all, you’d continue on with your daily life. Then came a time when you stopped thinking about him in your dreams. No longer did you awaken in cold sweat at the realization that the beautiful dream of Jihoon waiting at the end of the aisle was nothing more than a figment of your aching imagination. You slept through the night now. Your days gone on as it had been before he left. You worked, you went out with friends, you hung out with your family. Though each of those things happened more frequently than it had been for the emptiness he left behind was still vast. You re-learned how to be alone, how to be content being alone.

You didn’t know when but came too, the day where his song no longer brought you pain. The first time you had heard a song he produced played over the intercom of the supermarket was around the first month after the breakup. You were finally accepting the grim reality that greeted you everyday and that no matter how bad things were, you had to eat to survive. It had taken you nearly an hour of staring at your front door before you were brave enough to pull over a jacket and head to the local market. It was 30 minutes into your little trip and 10 minutes into you staring aimlessly at the endless rows of instant ramen that your ears had registered the familiar sound. It was the song he was working on just a few months before, the last one you got the privilege of listening straight from the source. Without knowing, your eyes began to pour. A few alarming customers nearby checked in to see if you were alright. When you ignored them all and began to sob loudly, they walked away with their head hanging low in pity. You abandoned the basket half full and rushed out the door. Your throat constricted from the lack of oxygen, from the lack of Jihoon. You considered the worst option, then broke down in shame. Millions of people had gone through breakups before, evidenced in the millions of songs about heart break. You felt so pathetic for not even being able to handle something as simple as this. You didn’t think you could go on another day living life when Woozi was one of the hottest producers and it was nearly impossible to avoid hearing his song. You didn’t think it was possible but his songs now made you happy. You were happy for his success although you still couldn’t bring yourself to play his songs intentionally in your own personal space. Whenever you’d catch a glimpse of his song in public, you’d just silently wished him the best as you hummed along.

By six months starting, you finally began to breathe normally. No longer did your chest feel heavy in the quiet moments of the day or the low moments of the weekends. Once or twice,you found yourself mindlessly getting on the train toward his studio on Friday nights. It was a routine that you kept for as long as you were with him. No work on Saturday meant you were able to sit with him in his studio for as long as his genius mind was at work. You’d just sit silently in the corner, listening in while reading a book. Sometimes you’d be typing away on your laptop while he scribbled messily in his notebook. It was always a quiet Friday evening staying in but it was always content, it was always cozy. On days when he finished early, you’d both head home together for an anime night in and cuddling. It was your favorite kind of silence, and so was his. You didn’t need to do everything together but there was a mutual understanding that you had to be in the same room together. Once or twice, you found yourself standing outside the building and staring up at his studio’s window. The light would be on and you imagined the beautiful lyrics that were pouring out onto paper in silence as the bustling world slowly came alive on a Friday night. You’d smile to yourself before turning on your heels and heading home. You were starting to find comfort in Jihoon’s song once again. No, not the official version being sung by some famous names. You found comfort in the demos he had sent you, where his voice was so angelic it made you forget you no longer have access to this part of his life. You’d play it when you were cooking, when you were reading, and sometimes when you were falling asleep. The official versions were beautiful, of course. After all, it was produced by Lee Jihoon, one of the best of the best. Yet there was something so cosmic in the demos sung by Jihoon. His voice transcended some of the best in the business. Sometimes you wished he’d put out his own song and blessed the world with his vocal. Yet times like this, when you lay awake staring at the night sky restless but content, you were happy to be the only fan that was special enough to get access to this version of Jihoon. 

You finally accepted your fate. You were no longer important to Jihoon and that was okay. 

You could only hope he held the memories he had made with you as dearly as you did. And that some day when he looked back on the wonderful years together, it would make him smile. As the 6th month of this new chapter of your life was coming to a close, you finally felt like it was possible to move on. You still didn’t know why he had walked away. You had forgotten just how cold Jihoon could be when he decided he no longer wanted someone in his life. Now and then you’d pondered the reasons, wondered what you did, how you could have missed all the signs. It no longer hurt like it once did, just gentle aching like pressing on an old bruise that was nearly healed. You tried not to dwelled on the how and why even if your curious mind was screaming for answers for so long. Jihoon always had reasons for everything he does and somehow in your warped mind, you believed he had a reason for walking away the way he did. 

“I don’t love you anymore…”

That was the only thing he had offered you that painful night. There was no explanation, no begging, no justification. He stood in silence and watched you cry. Then he muttered a low reminder to stay hydrated and eat the meal he had left in your kitchen before walking out the door forever. Maybe some day in the future when you both have healed, when you both can look at each other and see nothing but beautiful distant memories… Maybe then he’ll give you your closure. For now, you were okay with not knowing because not knowing made moving on possible. For now, not knowing preserved the beautiful man that was your heart and soul for five heavenly years the way you wanted to remember him. 

Yet life had a funny way of reminding you of how chaotic it could be. Just when Jihoon was finally beginning to be just another person existing in the same city, the universe served you with the biggest reminder that he was still very much in your life. You had gotten home from a long day of work, take-out dangling from your arm as you juggled with your bag and the mails you had just collected. The menu for the night? A giant plate of pasta and the thousandth re-watched of Stardust. Yet as you began to shuffle through the thick stacks of mails you had forgotten about the entire week, the air stiffened around you. A pink envelope, dainty little flowers surrounding the beautiful script that read “The Kwon”. You had forgotten all about it, Soonyoung had been engaged not long before the night your relationship ended. You’ve been so busy picking yourself up from the ground that you had forgoed all your friendships, and they all understood. After all, many times now they all had predicted it was you and Jihoon that would be the next. Jihoon had been so happy seeing his best friend finally settling down, fake grimacing about how they had beaten him and yourself at walking down the aisle. Soonyoung had asked you to help out with planning the wedding. Well, his partner had begged you to help out of fear of a tiger themed wedding. You had laughed, promising you’d be there as moral and physical support if the word “tiger” even came up in the planning process. You had felt so guilty for not showing up when they had invited you to dinner but you just couldn’t physically bring yourself to face the forever happiness of someone else in the light of your own ending. They both had understood it, telling you to take as much time as you need, not really knowing you were slowly disappearing from their friend group. They all had texted and called to check in when you finally stopped showing up all together, accepting that perhaps from now on this might be the only way they’d have contact with you now. You didn't want them to have to choose between hanging out with Jihoon or hanging out with you. So you made the decision for them. Your phone dinged with the kind of timing that could only be explained by higher power. Soonyoung had texted you simply “Please don’t feel pressure to come.  We understand. Let’s hang out after our honeymoon, yea?”. Your eyes glanced at the text that felt far too much like a warning, full of hesitation and foreboding. 

Life had a funny way of reminding you how chaotic it could be as your eyes scanned over the invitation – Best man: Lee Jihoon.

“Fuck…” 

Take-out abandoned. You threw your bag haphazardly on the ground and went too, the thick stack of mails you no longer had interest in reading. The jacket that was half way off your body pulled right back over your shoulders as you dialed your best friend. You hadn’t even bothered with turning off the light as you walked right back out the door you had just entered through. Tears welled up in your eyes as your steps heavy, echoing through the hallway and for the first time this week you thought of him. Did it feel like this too when Jihoon had walked away that night, the very same path you were traipsing through? You need a night out, liquid courage or whatever else it would take for you to be brave enough to send in the RSVP that read only your name. 

You wonder how many songs have been written about the vast emptiness left behind in the wake of a breakup. How many poems out there so beautifully written about the aching, the yearning, and the hurt between two lovers that weren’t meant to be. Falling in love, breaking up, moving on, you didn’t really need a song or a poem to tell you what that felt like. You’ve been burned many times, and you’ve experienced many wonderful loves. What you wish for was more literature about the tragedy that was being more than friends, yet not quite lovers. What you truly wish for was a guide on being in a conditional friendship with Yunho. 

The beautiful man that was only ever half way yours is warm and bright like the summer sun. The way he smiles could rival that of the healing power of spring and he was never shy about sharing it. All he ever had to do was walk into the room and suddenly the world just seemed much lighter, much happier. The way he speaks feels like a cup of hot chocolate in the winter time, cozy and sweet, comforting even on days when you wanted nothing more but for everything to stop. At any given second he could send you in a fit of laughter so great you'd have tears streaming from your eyes. Nothing could quite compare to Yunho when he was in his silly mood. If he set out to make you smile, you bet your ass he would always win and it's not only because of his competitiveness. He always know how to make you smile. Yet in the slower moments of the day, his existence alone makes you feel steady. Neither of you would be speaking to each other, just simply sitting side by side reading a book, scrolling through your phone. There's something about Yunho that feels so stable and comforting, like a bonfire on a cool Autumn night.

What he truly excels at was the art of being your dorky, funny best friend yet at the same time, something so dangerous would always lurk just below the surface. It was teetering at the edge of his softness, sharp and broodingly sexy. The more time you spend with Yunho, the more it feels like he is ready to snap at any given second. One second he'd be joking and laughing, the next? The sharp glances he'd give, the way he quietly exhaled through gritted teeth, the low hum in his voice... The way his hand would linger a bit too intimately on your waist if he ever caught another boy staring at you made you fearful of what he'd do if he ever catches them actually touching you. His hugs would always be a perfect balance between comforting and crushingly destructive. Most of the time he'd swallow you up, arms wrapping entirely around your body as he holds your head tight against his chest. Yet there were times when he left you wondering how this big, strong man managed to make himself so small. Body crouching, his head would be resting so far deep into the crook of your neck it seems almost natural, almost as if he has always belonged there. Yunho makes you feel like you were strong enough to lift the whole world on your shoulder with the way he fit so perfectly in your hold. He makes you feel like you were made to hold him and him alone.

Your most favorite part of Yunho has to be the way he stares at you with those beautiful eyes. There was something so magnetic, so hypnotizing about those puppy eyes. It was like they held a whole universe behind them, a portal to a fairytale. He always looks at you with so much love and intention that you feel like someone has sucked all the oxygen out of the room. The confidence behind his eye contact is both wonderful and deadly. When he looked at you, it was as if the whole world ceased to exist for him. You, and you alone hold his entire existence, attention, and emotions in your hands. If you didn't know any better, you'd say he loves to look at you, addicted even. Any moment you could look his way and those beautiful eyes would already be on you, holding steady. Yunho would never look away, even in the early days of your friendship, he never cared about you catching him staring.

The most confusing part of your friendship with Yunho has to be the fleeting kisses. They were always so fleeting that they almost meant nothing... almost. The first time it happened was after he left overseas for a dance competition for a whole entire month. When he had seen you standing there waiting at the airport gate, Yunho had hugged you so tightly that you could feel all the tiny fractures in your bones caused by the aching of missing him healing. Then you felt it. It was so small, so soft that it had to have been an accident. He pressed a kiss to your forehead, barely there and just a fraction of a second. It was enough to send your entire being into an existential crisis for the next week. Then it happened again, and again, slowly but definitely more frequently. Yunho must have taken your lack of rejection as acceptance. The fleeting kisses began finding itself on your hair, your shoulders, your neck, your cheeks, your nose... but never your lips. In the moments when he thought you weren't paying attention, Yunho would use his height to his advantage and fluttered soft kisses over the top of your hair. In the dull moments of your days, kisses would bloom on your hands as he toyed with your fingers. Though rare, you'd catch him staring directly at your lips, his own rolling roughly between his teeth. But that was just it, no matter how hard you silently pray that he'd soon given to temptation, Yunho never did.

That's how Yunho always is. He was liberal with his feelings around you, only around you and it makes you feel like you were one of a kind. He runs to you when things get hard as equally as when he's happy. He never gives a shit about who might see the way he'd crush you in a hug for absolutely no reason at all. He's not shy with touching either. If the purge was real, you're entirely sure you'd be the first to die judging by the way girls on campus glare daggers your way whenever Yunho would drag you around campus. He'd have your hand so tightly woven in his your fingers would go numb.To everyone looking in, you're essentially Yunho's... Yunho's to hold, to kiss, to drag around, to everything. His friends tease him endlessly, tease him of being a lovesick puppy who knows nothing else but to follow you around all day. He'd always just laugh and pull you closer, a shy blush slowly spreading over his ears and neck. But that was just it, he never denies it but he'd never confirm it either.

That haunts you.

The question of “what are we?” never came up and selfishly, you intentionally let it be. You liked how it felt, of being whatever this is to Yunho. You loved the attention he gives you and how in a big crowd, his eyes always find their way to you. You liked being part of the assumption that his passenger seat would be yours, that the seat next to him would be yours, that if you were there then so would Yunho. So why ruin a good thing. You cling onto this half way relationship for as long as you could, ignoring the logic gnawing at the back of your mind. How incredibly foolish you had been. You let Yunho take as much from you as he wanted, perhaps far more than what he gave you because here you sat, soul crushed… Your heart shattered, no longer in your chest but in his hand. For the first time since you witnessed the man that was only ever half way yours kissing another girl, you cry. Just for tonight, you’ll cry. This will be the last thing ever you’ll give to Yunho, no more, no less. Tonight, you’ll cry over him. Tonight, you’ll let yourself mourn a love that never got a chance to be. Then tomorrow you’ll forget all about Jeong Yunho and the way he made your heart flutter just by looking your way. You whisper his name carefully, as if he was right next to you. You whisper his name because by the time the sun rises, Yunho will be out of your life.

Yunho. 

You call out to him, a little louder this time. You thought of all the times you called out to him and he’d be right there, almost as if he already knew you needed him. Yunho has this amazingly annoying knack of always knowing when you want him near. Before you could even say it, before you could even form the thought, he was already walking right alongside you. You didn’t know what it was like to miss him because he never gave you the chance. Even during the long month he was gone, your phone would always be filled with texts and pictures. So many pictures. He had gotten into the habit of sending you pictures of absolutely anything and everything. It only increased when he didn’t get to see you in person. Food, street signs, buildings, flowers, sky… Even ones of himself shirtless in the pool, post shower. You couldn’t help but dread the thought of how silent your phone will be tomorrow when you finally block his number. 

Yunho.

You call out to him again, your voice a bit hoarse now from the sobs choking out. You think endlessly of how your days for the past few months have always belonged to Yunho. From the moment you open your eyes until the moment your head hits your pillow, Yunho has woven himself into every second of your day. You could count the number of them you had awakened without a text from him already waiting for you. The first time was when he was overseas, he had miscalculated the time difference. The second time was when he was deadly ill, so ill in fact he had typed out a text to you only to fall asleep with his finger hovering over the send button. His roommate had so graciously sent you a picture as proof of his dedication to you. So many nights you’d both fall asleep on call together and a few times woke up to each other still on the line. Then came the nights where he’d crash over at your place when he deemed you were too sad to be alone. He never pushed it even though you wished he had, always taking the couch or the floor. He didn’t care if it was uncomfortable for all of his giant 6ft body, he just knew you needed someone there. He’d hug you to sleep, cradling you like a treasure he was afraid of losing. Yet never failed, once he could feel your breathing steadying and body stilling in his arms, he’d gently slide out of your bed and head to the couch. Yunho never gave in no matter how many signs you sent him. Oh how empty your day will be when tomorrow comes.

Yunho.

You let yourself call out for him once more, voice nearly gone now. You clutch at the hoodie covering your shivering body. It still smells faintly like Yunho. The sleeves draping over your hands, damp from your tears. You pull your knees to your chest, wrapping your arms around them and let yourself believe it was Yunho comforting you. The first time he let you borrow his clothes, you had shown up to a friend's dinner to thunderous applause. Everyone was convinced he finally did it, finally made you his. Yet when he sheepishly shushed the teasing words away, the crowd went mild. Ever since that day it wasn’t a rare occurrence that you’d show up in his clothes. It wasn’t a rare occurrence either that he’d take things out of your closet, whatever he could fit his body into, without even asking. You’d pretend to be mad that he had stretched out your favorite shirt but it really was all bluff. You couldn’t deny him the closet privilege because he threatened to take back all the clothes he had loaned you. Not that you really wanted to deny him anyways, he was damn hot in a crop top. Tears once more hot against your cheeks at the thought of packing all the things Yunho had left behind into a box once tomorrow comes. 

Yunho.

You call out to him one last time, voice barely a whisper now, painful. This will be the last time you’ll ever say his name out loud with all the love you never got to give him. You wrap up all the smiles, all the hope of a future together, all the well wishes you hold so dearly for the man that will never be yours into the loving way you call out his name. One last time you’ll let yourself pretend he was yours and when you call out his name, he’ll turn around and tell you how much he loves you. You'll pretend you didn't see him kissing the childhood friend he told you were long gone from his life. His name needlessly, desperately falling from your lips because you made yourself promise to never say his name like this ever again. You love him. You’re so hopelessly in love with him that you wish you had never met him. If a genie was to appear in front of you this very second, your first wish would be to go back to the day you had met Jeong Yunho because yes, to have never loved at all was better than to have almost loved and lost. 

Yunho…

“I’m here. I’m here, Y/n.”

His voice soft, like the gentle breeze tickling the glimmering surface of a lake after a hot summer day. It’s sweet like ripe watermelon, quenching the thirst for his attention that you’ve been ignoring. Yet at the same time it was just as fleeting as all his “love” for you had been, like a ghost haunting in the distance. He calls out your name but the wind whisks it away… Or perhaps you just refuse to hear it at all. So Yunho put all his heart into calling out to you once more.