nishimura riki hates you.

he stared from across the classroom, watching you with crossed legs and back straight. you tapped your number two pencil on the wooden desk repeatedly, making a quiet yet annoying sound. it bothered him so much, only adding to the mental list of things he hated about you.

rather than staring now he was glaring. but he sat behind you and a couple rows over which meant you didn’t even notice. continuing to annoy him without a single thought.

he pressed down his pencil into his notebook until the lead snapped, making him also snap out of this trance. he looked down at his empty paper with a dark lead circle in the middle. he ripped out the sheet and crumpled it up, debating whether to throw it at your head or into the trash can.

he probably had a better chance shooting it at your head than landing it in the trash can according to his sports record but he refrained because your hair looked nice neat.

riki wasn’t suddenly choosing to be sympathetic or anything but he wasn’t a complete asshole.

or he thought of himself not to be. it must’ve taken you all morning for those bouncy curls and he knows how mad his sisters get when riki occupies the bathroom for more than thirty minutes before school. so he kept the crumpled paper and shoved it in his backpack, agreeing he’d either throw it to your head another day or throwing it away at the end of class.

“mr. nishimura—! i asked you a question, what is the answer to the question on the board?” the teacher asked in a stern tone, hands on his hips and trying to get riki’s unbothered attention.

riki quickly looked away from you, hoping you didn’t see him staring straight at the back of your head. you turned around from your seat to look at him as did the rest of the class.

he was out of it—a little preoccupied with thinking about something else, more of someone else.

his paper was blank. other than the crumpled up one he just shoved in his backpack. did he have notes on that page?before he could mutter an excuse or guess and pray to the gods he was right, a hand rose up in front of him.

it was yours…?

your arm popped up and attracted the teachers attention. “yes, ms. y/l/n?” he asked, now trailing his burning eyes away from riki and softening them towards you. unbelievable.

“if riki can’t answer it, i’d gladly do it myself,” you replied softly.

you didn’t speak in a sarcastic or rude manner. riki almost wished you did so then he would have a reason to hate you. but your tone was sincere like you wanted to help him.

“sure that would be great, go ahead,” the teacher proceeded and let you come up to the board. you took your notebook with you, it was covered in bright stickers and shiny gems matching your appearance.

riki watched as you sat up from your desk, the school uniform clinging to your body to fit your slight curves. he could’ve sworn the uniform’s skirt was shorter than you had on.

wait what—! why was he looking at your body or your uniform, nevertheless your existence…!

you picked up the small white chalk and wrote down your answer, copying your equation from your notebook. the class watched but riki observed. he thought about how you saved his ass from getting yelled at the teacher. why? after finishing the equation, you went to return to your seat. but before sitting down, your eyes met riki’s, flashing a quick smile.

in the brief moment, riki looked at you stunned. you didn’t wait for his reaction though and turned back to the teacher’s lecture. he shook his head, whatever. he hated you.

——

i hate her crooked teeth.

——

if he hates you so much, why was he up at three in the morning still thinking about your stupid smile. your pearly white teeth almost blinding him in the middle of math class.

his eyebrows knitted together and his eyes pierced through the ceiling of his bedroom. what was your problem? you didn’t do this to any other person in the school? you left everyone else alone—his classmates, his friends, his enemies—so why did you chose him? was this a punishment?

riki groaned and flipped to his side to face his bedside table, looking at the alarm clock reading 4:27 now. he spent almost four hours just thinking about you and it infuriated him. he liked girls before, girls in his class, girls on the tv, girls in his favorite movies. but he never stayed up thinking about him until this late hour.

also, he liked those girls! they were pretty and hot! he didn’t find you attractive or anything, so what made you so different?

was it your smile? it wasn’t even that nice! he’s seen better smiles in the newspaper and he could say his mom has a better one. yet you were the only thing on his mind and riki couldn’t stand the feeling.

he turned left and right, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep but it was no help. by the time, his eyelids were finally about to shut, they were disturbed by the bright light of the sun coming up. he hated you so much.

——

i hate her 1960’s haircut.

——

the next day at school, riki slung his backpack over his shoulder and waited at his friend’s locker. he agreed to meet heeseung before soccer practice afterschool and it wasn’t the first time the older boy was running late. riki didn’t mind all that much. if anything it meant an excuse to be late for practice, especially since heeseung was the coach’s nephew.

the only unfortunate thing about going to his locker was that yours was right next to it.

he managed to avoid bumping into you almost everyday. weirdly enough he tracked down your exact schedule with classes, meet up with friends, and when you needed your mid day snacks to get through the day.

heeseung commented on it one time, saying his uncalled “hatred” for you seemed more and more like a crush instead. riki almost blow a fuse right then and there in the middle of the soccer field. heeseung hasn’t mentioned it ever since.

unlucky for riki, you were quite an unpredictable person. most of the time you were walking with your usual friends, stopping by your locker to get your bio and calc textbooks. but on the rare occasions you were alone, you spent the entire passing period leaning against the metal wall texting away on your little phone.

this forced riki to hide behind the corner, peering over from time to time like a creep to wait for you to leave. he was even late once or twice just going to his locker at you finally left when the bell rang.

when his teacher asked why his eyes slowly trailed to you, who stared back at him innocently. unknown that you were the reason why he was late and got detention, for the fourth time now.

he could only shut up and take the yellow slip from his teacher. sliding into his desk in the back and staring out into the window in annoyance. why did he need to avoid you?

today was worse. worse than riki could ever imagine. he headed for his locker after fifth period and watched as you walked down the hall to your cheer practice as you always did afterschool. again, a little weird how much riki knew about you. anyways. he hurried to his locker and put in the code, opening it quickly. he grabbed a couple of his textbooks needed for homework and his soccer bag.

as soon as he closed the locker door, he almost had a heart attack. you were standing right there with you back facing him looking into a small magnetic mirror attached to the door of your locker.

you were applying another layer of strawberry chapstick, the one you carried everywhere and put on during first period, third period, and right after lunch by your locker.

so he was definitely surprised to see you standing right in front of him, puckering your lips and looking into the mirror. completely oblivious of riki standing behind you with a shocked expression saying ‘what the fuck!’ you didn’t even notice him staring at you for a full on five minutes.

riki would never admit it but you weren’t such an eye sore as he tried to convince himself all last night.

you were actually nice to look at. well-rounded and cute features that complimented your face. your hair was right in front of his face, the fruity fresh scents of strawberry and peach shampoo filling up his senses. without him even knowing, riki’s frown turned into a small smile.

your perfectly formed curls with a white headband, all sitting nicely on your shoulders made you look like a character from a 60’s cartoon. they moved side to side as you checked yourself out in the mirror, putting riki into a trance. but he snapped out of it as you put the cap back on of your chapstick, signaling him to return to his main goal: get to practice on-time.

he kept his eyes forward and tried to play it cool. walking down the hall, he just prayed you didn’t catch him ogling you for the past ten minutes.

unfortunately, by the time he got to the field, the coach had already started warm-ups and without the excuse of heeseung’s presence, riki only earned the team four extra laps to run. which no one was happy to do. god—how much he hated you right now.

——

i hate her knobby knees.

——

heeseung informed riki that the whole soccer team was required to attend the school’s pep rally as a part of the athletics committee. wanting to spend his friday night off doing better things (aka playing video games in heeseung’s basement until four a.m.), he continuously urged his friend to sneak out.

“what if we just slip out during the principal’s speech?” riki suggested to an unamused heeseung who already accepted his fate.

“if we get caught—our asses are DONE FOR. my uncle’s gonna kill us and definitely tell my mom.” heeseung seemed dead serious about refusing riki’s request, leaving the younger boy to only sit on the bleachers and wait for the soccer team to be announced.

after what felt like hours of speeches and addresses by the principal, teachers, and staff, a bunch of school-color, short uniforms filled the gym. it was the school’s cheerleaders, girls and boys all wearing color coordinated uniforms with scarily happy smiles plastered on their faces.

a single face stood out to riki. one that’s been distracting him in class, keeping him up at night, and keeping him in the hallways. his eyes immediately fell upon you, disregarding the other twenty girls and guys wearing the same outfit. you were the only one that caught his eye and he couldn’t tell why. was it cause of the locker interaction earlier today?

you were skipping in with a cute grin on your face, those stupid pearly whites blinding riki once again. you had pom pom in your hands, waving your arms in the air and saying hi to the crowd.

you didn’t spare riki a glance even once, unintentionally of course—how could you see him in a sea of hundreds of students! but he didn’t mind. at least it meant he could stare at you the entire time the cheerleaders introduction was happening.

what surprised riki was that you walked to the center as everyone got into formation. you were center stage. your smile was warm and lit up an entire room, the entire crowd beginning to feed into every word you said. when you said “go—!” they said “—team!”

then music suddenly started to play and the cheerleaders started a routine. one that you guys probably practiced a million times before. riki could see the nervousness in your face, hiding behind that smile you held so proudly.

he noticed your knees, you had skin tone band-aids all over them. underneath were obviously bruises, cuts, maybe even scars. people might’ve thought they were ugly but riki couldn’t help looking at them.

not like he was a sadist or anything but the bruises made you look more real. like you weren’t just another carbon copy of these cheerleaders who had perfect lives and appearances like the girls surrounding you.

you were different. something about you gave riki a hint that there was more to you than being a shallow popular girl.

you wouldn’t make fun of the so-called losers with the jocks behind the science building during lunch, their cheerleadering girlfriends joining in just because they can. or disregard the entire meaning of attending school to just dance in a tight outfit and fluffy pom poms in front of the entire school.

no, you were nowhere near those areas during lunch, riki saw you spending the time in the classroom, taking a nap to catch some extra z’s before the last two classes of the day or listening to music and researching choreography for the cheerleaders. in class, you always participated. you paid attention and studied, even helping the other struggling students in your free time.

maybe it was the way you helped him yesterday morning, answering his question and cutting off the teacher’s potential wrath. or you simply smiling at him the moment after.

either way, he found himself clapping for you after you finished your dance, enjoying your performance and rather disappointed to find it so short. heeseung was confused, wasn’t riki just giving suggestions on how to sneak out of here five minutes ago? now he was smiling and clapping like his own girlfriend was out there dancing in front of the crowd?

why did you make riki feel this weird? this good feeling he had whenever he saw you? he had to force himself to hate you to avoid his true feelings from spilling out.

and then, riki realized what the indescribable feeling—that takes over him as a whole every moment he lays his eyes on you—really was. he didn’t hate you.

he hated how you made him feel.

“oh ms. y/l/n! i thought you were transferring next week?” the teacher spoke.

“oh i apologize, my counselor decided to move me today, so i would not miss any more material than necessary.” you replied with such sweetness. you were apologizing for a ‘mistake’ that wasn’t even your fault.

all of the students, girls and boys, stared in awe at your almost gleaming presence. “well no worries—for the better if anything! why don’t you go sit down in any empty seat,” the teacher continued, gesturing to the class.

you bowed and scanned the room for an empty seat. there was one by the front of the class, but felt uncomfortable with feeling pressured to raise your hand for every question. especially when there was an obviously smart looking kid sitting in the seat beside it—meaning you would be constantly competing with him for #1.

so you settled for the other one in the back, next to some sleeping kid. all the students’ eyes fell upon you as you made your way to the back row. they all knew your name, your face, everything!

not only were you ranked second of the entire school (first being yang jungwon), you were known to be the school sweetheart. always helping other students study, participating in volunteer work, a member of student council, and on both the tennis and volleyball team.

your résumé was quite impressive. not to mention in the social surroundings as well. every boy wanted to go out with you and every girl wanted to be your friend. there was just a special bubble you seemed to be in that everyone wanted to join!

click. clack. click.

riki’s mind was playing tricks on him, replaying the little clicks your heels made in that gym last friday. but just then the prominent vanilla scent flooded his senses.

he lifted his head, taking a deep breath and losing his head for possible scare methods. until he was met with a familiar yet unfamiliar face.

you didn’t even notice that your unknown seat partner had woken up, too focused on taking notes. riki observed your neatly arranged desk. your pastel colored pencil case at the top, with two notebooks laid out in front of you. the math textbook was next to those and you were writing at the speed of light. in the most neatest handwriting riki had ever seen!

to be fair, he’s only ever seen heeseung and jake’s writing which were not much to compare to.

his eyes slowly wandered from your organized desk to your sparkly gel pen writing formula after formula. he soon found himself admiring looking directly into your eyes, realizing he was caught staring.

“can i help you?” you whispered, staring straight back at the frozen boy.

riki was speechless for the first time ever. no snarky comments or insults. no eye rolls or scoffs.

he was star-struck.

you titled your head to the side, smiling. you noticed a faint rosy blush on his cheeks as he looked at you with wide eyes. the tension could’ve been cut with a knife, so you took the chance to do it first.

“oh! actually i wanted to thank you!” you exclaimed and bent down to your backpack, rummaging through the bag.

“thank me?” riki finally spoke, narrowing his eyebrows. he sat up straight, facing you with his entire body and completely disregarding the teacher’s lecture in the front of the class.

you popped back up and turned to him with your school id in hand. “i listened to your advice and smiled ‘like i always do’” you put air quotes around riki’s words from the gym.

riki leaned in slightly to look at the little plastic card on your shared desk. you had such a natural yet cheery smile that almost put one on his face from just looking at it. but he stopped himself.

instead he looked up to see your face, inches away from his.

your attractive scent filled his senses and he could see the little sparkles decorating your eyelids. his eyes naturally trailed from your brightly-lit eyes to your rosy cheeks and down to your freshly glossed lips. as if on cue, your lips curled into a small smile and he found himself entranced.

flustered, he quickly cleared his throat and pulled back. he acted like there was something terribly wrong with his throat. just then, he did actually start choking a bit. enough for the entire class to go silent and turn back to yours and riki’s desks.

“mr. nishimura? are you alright back there?” the teacher asked, clearly unamused at the boy who always sleeps in class.

“are you okay? do you want some water?” you subconsciously put a hand on his arm in order to get his attention.

which you certainly did…!

riki froze and looked down at your hand.

your hand. on his arm.

he immediately stopped “choking” and awkwardly realized the entire class watching him. “oh…n-no i’m okay.” smooth.

“good.” the teacher replied coldly and returned to the lesson.

“are you sure?” you inquired yet again, your hand remaining in place.

what the hell was wrong with him? why did he feel sweaty and weird? why couldn’t he think? why was he stuttering like an idiot in front of you, trying to think of an answer?

more importantly, why did he care?

he blinked back his honest thoughts and shielded them with his cool-guy persona once again.

“yeah. i’m fine.” he brushed off, a little colder than he wanted.

you withdrew your hand. the corners of your lips faltering a little at his harsh tone. if there was one thing you knew, it was to know when you were not wanted. riki noticed the slight change in your face though, you didn’t want to show your hurt expression but he could tell from your eyes that you didn’t expect his reaction.

however, riki continued with his tough-guy act. he folded his arms and slumped back in his chair, acting as if he didn’t have a care in the world. when in all honesty, he did care. he cared a lot—about what you thought for some weird reason.

you took his response as a sign to cut the conversation short “anyways, i owe you one with the whole picture thing,” you whispered and retracted the school id. riki’s eyes betrayed his actions though, following your adorable id picture all the way to your pencil pouch and you zipping it up in there.

you simply returned to your note-taking as if your interaction didn’t just completely obliterate riki’s world. your eyes stayed on the blackboard ahead the rest of class, not even sparing a little glance to your seat partner. riki peeled his eyes off you and forced himself to stare out the window.

what was he looking at? nothing. absolutely nothing.

he just tried to think about something. anything!

but the clouds began floating together to form mushy hearts. birds flew by, four pairs of two all resting on a tree branch by couple. and what was that now? a rainbow?!

god, it must be the sleep deprivation kicking in, riki thought.

“just do it! i swear i will do it myself if you don’t,” your best friend chaewon complicated. she was spread out on the cafeteria lunch table, clearly overreacting in your opinion.

“i’ll do it after break, trust trust,” you assured and kept your eyes on the mushy carrots on your plate.

jungwon groaned at your blatant lie, “oh come on! you said that last time!” he was right. you’ve been delaying your confession for about three breaks straight, coming up with a stupid excuse each time.

first it was that the year was an all-time stressful one where your crush was apparently “too focused on his studies.” but your friends knew better. especially when they saw jake sim playing video games during bio everyday.

next was that you claimed he was sick and the confession would just “add stress to his aching pain.” chaewon and jungwon genuinely could not take that one seriously, both overhearing from his friends sunghoon and heeseung that he was just on an extended family trip to jeju island.

most recently, you blamed it on no time! you just never seem to bump into him at school! LIE.

jungwon stared at you dumbfounded while chaewon turned your head for you to show jake laughing with his friends across the cafeteria.

he looked perfect. the rays of sunlight lightly illuminated his figure as he had that oh-so charming smile. his soft dark hair and bangs slightly hiding his eyes, but not enough for you to miss his sparkling gaze. the loud chatter of the cafeteria was suddenly quieter when all you could hear was his sweet voice laughing.

“here she goes again,” chaewon sighed, watching her best friend go head over heels this damn boy for the eighth time today.

the school bell snapped you out of your trance, watching as he and his friends got up to leave. before doing so, he grabbed his tray as well his friends, gathering the little wrappers and napkins they all used.

“dude—you don’t have to do that,” his friend commented, nodding towards the exit.

“yeah, but it doesn’t hurt,” jake smiled and quickly finished cleaning up. on his way out, he threw all the trash into the garbage can and piled the trays by the counter, before flashing a grin to the cafeteria ladies who all adored him.

that’s what you liked about jake the most.

of course, he was the most handsome boy you’ve ever laid your eyes on. but he was the sweetest too. you would know—because that’s how you first met him.

back in freshman year, you were completely lost on the first day, all your middle school friends going to a different high school than you. hugging your textbooks close to your chest and trying to keep a low profile, you wandered the entire school in search of your first class.

where the hell was class d-4?

taking a moment to look at the room number plates, you stood in the middle of the hall. suddenly, four boys or so rushed by you and one of them bumped into your shoulder causing you to lose control of your books.

they fell onto the floor as you rushed to pick them up. you didn’t even give the boys another glance as you assumed they were already gone. ‘so this is how high school is’ you internally grumbled and rolled your eyes.

but when you reached to grab your last textbook, another hand already picked it up. the figure was rising to his feet, you subconsciously followed.

“i’m so sorry about my friends, they’re playing this stupid game and—” the boy started, but you almost tuned his words out.

you looked at the boy standing in front of you. his shaggy dark hair and awkward stance while holding one of your textbooks. he nervously held the back of his neck and continued explaining his friends’ antics and apologized.

surprised was an understatement.

“—anyways i apologize on the behalf of my friends and all this,” he softly laughed. you couldn’t help but crack a small smile at his rambling, lightening the mood.

“ok good you’re smiling!” he noted and let out a sigh of relief. the last thing he wanted to do was make any enemies on the first day of a new high school.

“yeah and i forgive you, don’t worry. it wasn’t even your fault, i was standing in the middle of the hall,” you replied and looked at where both of you were now standing. it was true, your body was quite literally in the middle where people were trying to pass by.

“i was just trying to find my class,” you continued and looked back at the small post-it on one of your textbooks that read the room number you were in desperate search for.

“oh d-4?” he asked calmy and titled his head to the side like a puppy.

a faint blush painted your face as the boy widened his eyes awaiting your response. he really did look like one of those golden retrievers you would stay up all night looking at on tiktok.

“yeah…algebra?” you hesitated. “yeah yeah ms. park’s! i have her first period too, c’mon that’s where my friends were going,” he answered enthusiastically and lead the way down the hall.

he walked with your textbook still in his hands and began small talk, introducing himself and asking for your name. the two of you got a little close that year, thanks to the class.

jake would always say hi in the halls and the courtyard, whether he was alone or with his friends. as he got popular when joining the varsity soccer team in sophomore year and gaining more friends, he remained loyal to you in his acknowledgements towards you.

you were surprised when on the first day of senior year, he ran up next to you.

“hey y/n! how was your break?” he exclaimed with such interest. he still had his shaggy dark hair and that puppy-like habit of tilting his head when asking a question.

so if you two were that friendly, why was it so hard to confess your deep-rooted feelings for him?

wait, it wasn’t. cause what’s the worst that could happen…?

“y’know what, i’m going to do it,” you blurted. jungwon and chaewon stopped in the hall, running back to you and holding onto your shoulders.

“i should’ve recorded that—fuck!” chaewon shouted, catching the attention of passing by students.

“wait are you serious? like actually? actually!” jungwon repeated and started jumping up and down as if he just asked to be the best man at your wedding or something.

“yes. dead serious. today, after fifth period and before he walks to the field for soccer practice,” you nodded your head and looked straight, determined look in your eyes and all.

“should i be alarmed that you know his everyday whereabouts?” jungwon muttered.

“who cares! she’s finally doing it!” chaewon celebrated and jungwon whispered a “ok true,” getting giddy with her.

“wow i did not think you guys would be this hyped,” you raised your eyebrow at your best friends who were probably happier than you were.

“now this means we wouldn’t have to hear your delusional thoughts anymore!” jungwon exclaimed and raised both his arms in the air. chaewon joined in, “no more stalking and obsessing!”

“oh fuck you guys!”

the entire fifth period, you thought about how you would confess to your crush: jaeyun sim.

writing a love letter? too complicated.

asking him out on the spot? too risky.

texting him? too scaredy-cat.

before you knew it, the bell was ringing and passing period began which meant you had ten minutes to locate and find jake first and quickly tell him your feelings. luckily, there were a couple boys on the soccer team in your class so you just needed to discreetly follow them to the field.

and that’s exactly what you did. until a familiar figure was only a few steps away from you. you hid behind the bleachers as him and his friends were on the field getting ready.

you took a couple breaths and tried to collect your thoughts. what would you even say? ‘hey jake! could i talk with you for a second? so basically ive been in love with you since freshmen year wh—’

“isn’t she so cute!”

the voice you loved so much felt like a betrayal now. you peeped your head above the bleachers to see jake showing his friends something on his phone.

“much cuter than mine, bro i swear she’s the devil,” one of his friends mentioned and leaned in to see something on jake’s phone.

what were they talking about? more importantly, who?

“not mine—she’s an angel, i love her! her birthday’s next week,” jake smiled fondly, as if he were in love.

your heart shattered at the very sight. not that he was happy, but that he was…talking with heart eyes about a girl. one that was obviously not you, your birthday being months away.

“what’s her name?” someone asked, you narrowed your eyes to try to catch a glimpse of the photo but he casually put his phone back in his pocket before you could.

“layla!” he answered gleefully and laid down on the grass, thinking about his favorite girl.

you bit your lip, turning around and walking away from the field. your chest felt heavy and there was apparent discomfort spreading throughout your body. how could you be so blind?

of course, jaeyun sim would have a girlfriend! after all he was cute, sweet, athletic, smart, and popular! he had you fawning over him for the past three years, but obviously you weren’t the only one. did that mean he picked up other girls’ textbooks and walked them to class? fuck.

defeated, you decided to ditch your sixth period and walked to the parking lot instead. you pulled out your phone, texting the group chat.

TWO WONS = ONE RIGHT !! 😈😈😈

you soooo #missionfailed og won WHAT SPILL WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED chae aka the better won HUH NOOOOOOOO you soooo he apparently has a girl! omg kill myself!! hahahaha…hahaha chae aka the better won

og won ummm i didn’t consent to that

chae aka the better won 🫥 ANYWAYS im so sorry y/n HE FUMBLEDDDD og won jake DOESNT have a girl tho???? you yea he does i heard him and his friends talking abt HOW CUTE his girlfriend was. chae aka the better won AW HELL NAH

og won bros using her own memes now no no sunghoon told me during third that they’ve all been trying to set him up with jay’s cousin but he liked someone else or smth you THIRD???!!!! AND YOU DIDNT THINK TO TELL ME THIS DURING LUNCH?!?!? chae aka the better won jungwon. smhsmh og won SORRY SORRY but y/n. he’s single. you ok but then who tf is layla???? og won … who’s gonna tell her chae aka the better won y/n im going to hold your hand when i say this…that’s his dog. og won pls tell me u didn’t think layla was the “girlfriend” you oh fuck chae aka the better won

og won OKAY WHY AM I STILL GETTING SLANDERED

wait. did you just fuck yourself over?

“let’s break up.”

the words sounded so natural across the phone. you held the screen to your face, hoping to mishear the previous sentence. your boyfriend of two years had just muttered the most daunting words of any long-term relationship.

“y/n?” he called out, breaking the uneasy silence.

“y-yeah sorry, what did you say?” you asked without a second thought.

he knew you heard him. he could see your softened face, tears forming in the corners of your eyes. his heart broke just at the thought. he wanted to take the words back, brush it off as a joke or pretending he never said anything at all.

but it was for the better. better for him, and for you.

he knew it was.

“i think we should break up,” he reworded, praying that would somehow soften the heartbreaking blow.

“hee…” you began but couldn’t get any words out. mostly because you didn’t know how to respond. how do you respond to the love of your life saying he wants to call it quits after two years? on the phone nevertheless.

“i-i just think that…i can’t be there for you. i can’t be the person that you wan—that you need.” he cuts you off as if he had rehearsed this breakup speech a hundred times before.

“but you are the person i want. and need. hee, you’re the only person that i want and need in my life,” you repeated, almost pleading.

at this point, there were tears threatening to escape your eyes and a tremble approaching your voice. you swallowed your emotions, determined to get over this roadblock in your relationship.

conversations and almost-breakups like this had happened before. plenty in the first few months of your relationship when heeseung grew distant from time to time due to the constant traveling for tour, never ending practices, and back to back schedules everyday.

back then, you had proposed it. you were unsure whether you could keep up with heeseung’s restless life, unable to see yourself as a part of it. you had called heeseung in the middle of the night which was the early morning for him since he was across the world from you.

crying uncontrollably, you whimpered apologies in between sobs because you knew it wasn’t his fault. if anything, you knew what you were getting involved in when you fell in love with an idol. but you didn’t know it was going to be this hard.

heeseung was the perfect boyfriend. he was always accommodating, incorporating you in his busy life and schedule without a doubt.

he would leave messages for you to wake up to and voicemails when he knew you were at work or asleep. he would text in between practices and you would be the first one to see his new photo shoots and dance videos.

waking up extra early to accommodate your calls go your availability, when it should be the over way around. he would slip out to the balcony and call you for hours before getting ready for the day. his members would catch him sometimes, teasing him for how head over heels he was.

he comforted you over the phone for three hours, letting you tell him your worries about the relationships and both validating them while reassuring you that you two would make it work.

he was right.

the two of you had been ‘making it work’ for the past two years. surpassing your initial concerns, your relationship had become both an escape from your outside lives and a home.

whenever heeseung was having a hard day, he looked at his lock screen and would be reminded of why he worked so hard and who he’d come home to at the end of the day. you would always remind him, “a bad day is just one day, tomorrow will be a fresh start.”

he smiled at his little reminders of you on his phone lock and home screen, the matching charm that dangled from his phone, his favorite polaroid of you living in his wallet, and matching keychains attached on his duffel travel bag.

meanwhile, you woke up everyday to a little ‘good morning’ paragraph from heeseung to start your day. it would ensure heeseung that you would wake up everyday with a smile on your face. his sweet words full of compliments and love simply reminded you that you were finally with the love of your life.

after a particularly shitty day, you would go to sleep early and await the next morning for his text. or he would send random photos of small posters, food, figurines, plushies, or even landscapes with the same caption.

bambi-hee loml attachment: 1 image reminded me of u i miss u a lot :(

while heeseung convinced you to let go of your worries two years ago, why couldn’t you do the same now?

“please say something,” you whispered at his loss for words.

“please—just tell me why, tell me why after all this time you’re suggesting this, did…did something happen?” you mumbled the last part, hoping to god that there was no ulterior motive in breaking up.

“no! no nothing happened,” heeseung exclaimed, immediately shutting down the negative possibilities developing in your mind.

“it’s just—i’m tired. i’m tired and i know you are too. we barely see each other anymore and that’s on me i know but even when we do, we’re both so used to being apart from each other that we don’t know what to do when we’re face to face.” he explained with a steady tone, waiting for you to stop him at any moment.

but you didn’t. instead, you bit your tongue, preventing any whimpers or sobs from leaving your mouth.

“it’s not your fault, y/n. honestly it’s mine, for being away all the time and being bus—” he continued, rambling towards the end.

“no it’s not. it’s not your fault.” you abruptly cut him off this time.

“it’s not your fault for following your dream, for wanting to sing and perform and live your life. i think that…i-i’m holding you back.” you admitted, your voice breaking slightly. you prayed he didn’t notice but of course he did.

“y/n. don’t say that. okay? you’re not holding me back. you’re the one encouraging me to do this, you’re why i’m pushing myself through eight hours of practice and fourteen hour flights. just so when i get home, i can make you proud.” he confessed with such sincerity.

you couldn’t hold it in anymore, bursting into tears and choked sobs traveling across the phone. heeseung listened as you tried to catch your breath but remained hopeless on the other end.

“breathe. you’re okay, it’s okay,” he comforted.

even though he was across the globe, his voice was the only thing pulling you back to reality.

“y/n. i don’t think it’s fair to you. i’m always leaving you waiting, holding, alone. i love you, which is why i know that you deserve better than this—than i can give you.” you never thought those three words would be used against you in any situation.

the heartbreaking moment couldn’t blind you from the fact he was right.

you woke up to those sweet text messages everyday, with a smile on your face. but to an empty bed.

the moment you open your eyes, you’re faced with heeseung’s spot on the bed. his pillow untouched, a small plushie sitting in his spot, occupying it until he got home. his bedside table that was slowly collecting dust, a simple picture frame with you two on your first anniversary.

his voice would always be comfort for you. but it was no match to his warm hugs at the apartment entrance, when neither of you could wait any longer to hold each other. or when he hold your hand through bustling crowds at his friends’ parties.

you knew he was friends with everyone at the party, getting ‘heeseung! you made it!’ and a dap-up at every turn. but he would keep a hand on you through it all. no matter if it was a pinky hold, a hand on your lower back, or your waist, he always reminded you that you were his first priority.

“can we talk about this in person…?” you muttered, afraid for his answer. you fidgeted with your fingers, sitting on the edge of your shared bed and staring at the collection of memories of your relationship scattered across the room.

his clothes, your pictures, pinned letters and notes littered with hearts and smiley faces. his scent that lingered in the bedroom, slowly fading from his extended absence.

“yeah, yeah of course…sorry i just said it out of the blue, but yeah we can talk about it in person—when i get home next week, we can talk.” he answered with a hurried voice. you could tell he was nervous and rushing himself.

“i gotta go, but i’ll call you later.” he sounded upset, as if the conversation didn’t play out as he wanted it to.

“heeseung. it’s okay, i understand and i love you.” you reassured him with a switch in tone.

his heart dropped at the mention of his full name. no more ‘baby,’ ‘love,’ or ‘hee.’ he didn’t realize how hurtful hearing his own name being called out would be.

the last three words stumbled out of your mouth like routine. you stopped yourself, taking a second to regret your automated response.

fuck.

it was hard to say the words he wanted to.

to ask why you didn’t call him by a nickname. to tell you it was a mistake and that he never wanted to break up. to say ‘i love you too.’ but it was too hard, so he didn’t.

instead he chose the easy way out.

“i'm gonna dip at lunch.” jake decided and laid back.

“same i have a bio test during fifth that i'm not trying to do,” heeseung added and leaned on the classroom’s wall.

it was routine for the older boys to accompany riki in his class before the bell rang since they all had class without him. riki’s classmates refused to even look to the back of the room where the delinquents were sprawled out.

jake was trying to paper football with sunghoon, having his legs on some poor kid’s desk and flicking a triangle “football,” made out of that same kid’s notebook paper.

sunghoon was half-playing with jake and half-on his phone. his additions to the conversation were the occasional “mhm” and “yeah i'm down.”

jay was sitting in front of riki, turned around with his arms resting on the chair. he continued speaking to heeseung, who was by the window, about their plans to ditch.

“um since when do you take bio?” jake asked, repositioning his little football before flicking it across the desk, through sunghoon’s goal.

“since forever—just haven’t been to actual class yet,” heeseung answered with a laugh.

“so riki, you gonna ditch with us?” jay asked the younger boy who was carving random drawings on his desk with an overly sharpened pencil.

“uh i don't know...my mom's been on my ass since i ditched on monday, she got a call from the school or something,” riki mumbled, keeping his eyes on the smudged lead in front of him.

he was still upset at how the school dean reported riki leaving the school premises during picture day. everyone else was doing it and he just happened to be the only one who got caught. maybe if he wasn't so distracted that day...

“you’re joking—they still do that?” jake asked.

“apparently.” he recalled that day, when he was waiting in line to get his picture taken so he could slip out unnoticed. unfortunately, his long last name prevented him from leaving in the morning like the rest of his friends and was stuck in the stuffy gym for more than three hours.

he thought it was pretty unproductive. on the school’s part. the students would all line up then go to class once done. but since they can’t monitor each student leaving, they’re giving everyone a one way ticket out of class!

moments before his impatience was going to kill him, he was distracted by a vanilla-scented girl who would click her heels nonstop.

aka, you.

after your little interaction, riki swiftly exited the gym, but not before turning to watch you take your picture through the door's window. you smiled softly, teeth showing naturally with your lip gloss shining under the reflective screen.

you easily listened to his advice, his scoff turning into more of a subtle smile. his eyes followed your figure hop off the black stool and pick up your freshly printed student id.

"hey!" a voice called from down the hall.

riki whipped his head towards the sound to see a man walking towards him, "why aren't you in class!" oh shit, it was the dean.

thus, he got detention and the dean called his mom to tattletale his "ditching." he blamed it on you. if you hadn't clicked your stupid little heels, he would have never talked to you and then would have never stood there outside the gym, out in the open for any hall monitors (or deans...) to come and catch him.

now he had to bail on his friends and was in deep shit at home. all because of you and your stupid heels. and stupid curls. and stupid vanilla-scented perfume. whatever!

jay continued talking about their afterschool activities and heeseung shared that his dealer just shipped new product. uninterested in the conversation, riki turned his head to the window. his eyes drifted outside where students were rushing to class.

he skimmed through the various students he never cared to look twice at. until a familiar figure emerged from the hurried crowd.

wait—soft and shiny hair, little black heels, and the freshly pressed school uniform that never looked this good on any other student. riki knew that girl anywhere.

you were chatting away with your friends, too immersed in whatever you were saying to notice the steps by the front of the building. your mouth was moving at the same speed as your legs. failing to see the four steps ahead of you, your little black heels tripped on the first one.

riki instantly stood up. pushing back his chair and desk and watching as you fell forward. the loud movement from his desk attracted the attention of everyone in the class, turning to watch their silent, mysterious classmate become the star of the spotlight. riki didn’t even notice though, his eyes glued to your clumsy figure.

“dude—!” jake exclaimed at the sudden movement.

“what the fu—” jay moved back.

luckily (not for riki), class president and top student, yang jungwon managed to step forward just in time to catch you. the scene played out like one from a kdrama, him swiftly turning you on your back and making you lock eyes with your savior.

riki watched from across the courtyard, three stories above, and through the window as you two smiled at each other before you awkwardly got to your feet. he watched as you patted his shoulder and rambled an apology.

your cheeks were flushed, a little embarrassed and maybe a little blushing. riki hoped it was only the first.

hold up.

why would he care if you were blushing. blushing for that goody-two shoes yang jungwon—who all the teachers and students adored. whatever. you should’ve fallen on your face, riki would’ve liked that better…yeah he totally would’ve.

“what the hell man!” heeseung asked, gripping onto his shoulder to question his outburst.

snapping out of his trance, riki turned to his friend and finally realized that everyone was staring at him. he wasn’t used to such attention.

“o-oh..uhh it’s nothing—i thought—nothing nevermind.” riki stammered, embarrassed. he quickly took his seat again and kept his head down to avoid any awkward glances. the class slowly returned to their conversations, ignoring the boy’s questionable actions.

“what do you mean nothing...” sunghoon spoke up, furrowing his eyebrows.

before his friends could continue hounding him for an answer, the front door slid open with a loud slam! everyone turned their heads to the teacher walking into the class. upon spotting the four misplaced boys, his demeanor immediately turned sour.

“yah! you four—get to class!” the teacher shouted from the door, pointing to the obviously out-of-place seniors in a junior class.

startled but unmoved, the boys casually got to their feet and walked to the back door.

“im so sorry teach, we just love our riki so much!” jake fake apologized and bowed a whole ninety-degrees.

the other three began putting their hands together and bowing too, sarcastically muttering apologies to the teacher and the other students.

“GET OUT!”

“have fun learning algebra!” heeseung shouted with only his head peeking in from the back door. riki only laughed at his annoyingly loud friends as they ran out into the hallway.

as the teacher began class, he looked back out the window to see you long gone. instantly, he internally slapped his own face.

‘stop looking at the window, riki.’

‘why are you looking for her, riki.’

‘she likes jungwon, riki.’

‘STOP THINKING ABOUT HER, RIKI!’

riki kept his eyes shut and tried to calm his own crazy thoughts. he put his head down on his desk, ignoring whatever the teacher started blabbering about.

with the inviting warmth of the sunlight radiating through the window, he was slowly drifting to sleep when suddenly he heard the door open.

picture day.

the most useless day, riki liked to call it. he would’ve ditched today but his friends agreed to just take the pictures in the morning and skip afterwards. now he was stuck, standing in this stupidly long line for a two second picture that would be going nowhere except the yearbook. if only he could prevent that from happening too.

riki just slouched against the gym wall, counting the minutes in his head before the period was over. the gym was filled with mindless chatter and camera shutters from every corner.

with common last names, all his friends texted him that they finished hours ago. they had already jumped the school fences and we’re hanging out, leaving riki to be stuck in this humid gym alone.

alas, he closed his eyes in an attempt to at least catch a couple minutes of sleep in these boring moments.

click. clack. click.

his eyes shot open. ‘what the hell is that sound?’ he thought to himself and searched for the maker of the sound.

he looked straight ahead to see you continuously tapping your shoe while holding a compact mirror. you applied a thin layer of lip gloss while trying to arrange your delicate curls in the perfect formation.

riki watched from behind as you panicked when a single strand went the other way. you then pulled out a comb and started fixing your part in a hurry as if this line wasn’t going to take another two hours.

then you began practicing smiles—a toothy grin, no teeth, eye smile, and so on! riki couldn’t help but laugh a little when he saw how seriously you were taking this.

he could tell you worked extra hard this morning to look your absolute best. even though he didn’t really know why you would for a school picture?

he had spotted you around school before, your sweet vanilla scent catching his attention when you walked past him. your curls bounced when you practically skipped to class, clutching your pastel notebooks to your chest and that charming smile you always had when talking and laughing to your friends.

wait. why did riki know that? he shouldn’t didn’t care about some random girl in his grade that smelled like sweet syrup!

nope! it’s just the sleep deprivation.

while posing into your small mirror, you caught the glare of riki, locking eyes through the compact. embarrassed, you shut the mirror and shoved it into your pocket. you refused to look behind you and kept your eyes on some random girl’s head in front of you.

you knew riki. more like you knew of him.

he always hung out with such a questionable collection of people—lee heeseung, park jongseong, park sunghoon, and sim jaeyun. always getting caught ditching class or smoking behind the bleachers. you knew better to steer clear of any of their ways. they weren’t even at school half of the time. spending it all in detentions if they decided to come once in a while.

but weirdly enough, you had a soft spot for riki.

only because you remembered him in elementary school, when he was a smaller, sweeter kid who was known as a ‘dance prodigy.’ your friend had attended the same dance studio as him, so you would always see him when visiting to watch your friend.

you had admired his skill and confidence back then, even developing a small crush on the boy.

but your dreams were soon crushed when you overheard him liking some girl in his dance class. therefore, you hadn’t interacted with him since, only a few lingering glances of acknowledging each others’ presences but avoiding anything more.

you think it may because you’re the only person that remembers him from childhood and who he truly is.

but you could just be thinking too much into it.

luckily, your name was called the next second and you quickly walk away from that awkward interaction. you sighed, fixing your hair for one last time and trying a couple more smiles.

“just smile like you always do.” riki whispered as he walked past you towards the exit.

your body tensed up as his shoulder brushed past yours and he turned slightly to look at you one last time before leaving the gym.

for a second, you thought you were imagining him saying anything but knew you were not hallucinating when he looked back. you stood there thinking of what he meant by ‘always do’ before the photographer snapped you out of your trance.

“ms. y/l/n, please sit in the chair.”

hurriedly, you sat on the little black stool and aligned your feet with the markers taped on the gym floor. you moved a couple strands to frame your face how you wanted it and looked straight at the camera.

“okay…now smile.”

and you did. like you always do.