Just Some Thoughts

I need weed I need it

I want I die

My ultimate goal in life

The only thing that I’m looking forward to

They’ll say but my life problems aren’t difficult

And they’re right they’re not

But that’s precisely why they’re my problems

I just hate living

I should’ve killed myself that day

Saved myself the failure that was to come

The failure that I’ve become

One of these days I’ll die hopefully soon

The first times around i convinced myself

Maybe you should live

But now I’m such a loser

I’m so weak

That killing myself would just be better

I should have enough money to pay for a funeral too

So I don’t really feel bad

This is the best way for me to get somewhere

At least I’ll be in heaven

Or even better hell

Or I’ll just decompose and be one with the earth

That’s probably the most logical answer

But people will always find greater meanings in things

I’m going to love being dead

People always say suicide is bad

But as someone’s who so excited about dying

I strongly disagree

There’s a certain joy in knowing that you took your own life

It’s a sense of control

Finally a sense of controlling my life

At least I got to control it at the end

I’m so misunderstood

No one has ever been able to understand me

People have tried but failed

On the surface I am simple

But deep down I’m so complicated

It’s kinda scary to be a psycho

But at least I found something that’s good for me

I’m usually not happy anymore

I only feel happiness at one point in my day

When I’m planning my death

Only then do I smile

I smile so big

From ear to ear

No one has ever seen me smile so big

I love it

I’ve never loved anything more than my death

Never looked forward to anything more

I seem to have a tendency to love things that would destroy me

And this does it the best

Tonight I broke down and I’m so happy about it

I’ve finally come to terms with my actions

Come to terms with my reasonings and desires

I miss 216A In a way that place saved me

I’m glad in remembered and looked through my folder tonight

I miss my blue knife the most though

These tough memories of me at my weakest points just tell me I need to die

I’ve been lying to myself that I don’t want this

I jumped onto the slightest thought of my own death

And ruined my life just so I can get closer to achieving it

Imagine I told someone this

I’d get sent to the hospital ASAP

If I do I’m going to demand room 216A again

Every day, living my life as a complete loser with nobody and nothing to lose,

I bring myself closer to my greatest goal

My own death and I love it 🥰

I am truly sick how do I even explain this to someone deadass

Like I just realized this all tonight

I remembered my thoughts and my countless spirals during that time

Then my thoughts before and after

From the beginning to the “end”

But the “end” never actually came and I guess I have never actually gotten over it

I never stopped wanting to die

So when I was slightly reminded of it

I jumped onto it because my life has been so shitty

And the rest is history

At least this time I will actually reach the end

My suicide will be so glorious that absolutely no one will know about it

That’s the best way for me to go

I hope there are only 10 people at my funeral and that no one finds out

Getting rid of my social media was probably the best thing I could’ve done

Well I can’t wait I wish I could stop the inevitable

Well I do try to stop I keep trying to find faith

Faith in life faith in the stuff that would tell me

Hey someone cares don’t kill yourself

But life hasn’t offered me anything satisfactory for staying

Honestly I just get more sad and have more reason to want to die

I know I need help

But I also know I need to die

I can’t go through this spiraling process a second time

I might as well kill myself now

I have no one to turn to though

Absolutely no one

And honestly I like it that way

Subconsciously I probably created this all by myself

Subconsciously I haven’t been able to live with myself in years

I’ve been searching for the perf opportunity and it came

I pushed myself back into this hole because I’m secretly always craving suicide

That desire to have everything stop is so satisfying

I’m sorry for all the ppl I’ve hurt along the way

I guess that’s what happens when you begin a journey to your own death

I’m especially sorry for my family because there was literally nothing they could do about it

I’ve been sabotaging my own life because a part of me hates myself for being happy

It clings onto the sadness and anger that I have for myself and this world

It whispers ruin everything and then kill yourself

Wow I can’t believe I’m releasing all this

So the blue knife has been a reoccurring theme for me

I’ve loved knives for a while now

I used to cut myself for fun in middle school

I’d cut my arms and literally show it

Then I really cut myself badly once in 9th grade and my mom saw

Yeah that was bad had a scar for a while

Then I fell in love with my blue knife

The knife I almost killed myself with

Oh what I’ll do to have it back with me

I’ll just get a new one

Sometimes when I experience death

Under certain gruesome circumstances

It sparks a spiraling process in me

One in which every night I think about my own death

I don’t want to die naturally

I want to take my own life

It’s way more thrilling that way

These thoughts I can never bring up to the surface

I shut them down

The passive suicide ideation has never died down

But the active is usually pretty well tamed

I can’t wait for my own lonely death

It’ll be so satisfying for the blue knife to win

This is where my destiny lies

I have no life

I have no future

I am a total loser

I have no friends

I only have loneliness

I am sick and 216A is my only home

It’s either I spiral down that road now

Or I just go on my own

I don’t need anymore destruction

maybe the blue knife will win this time

I love blue knives and they love me

No matter what happens I’m always alone

Always was always will be

I prefer being this way

Maybe this is why I destroy everything

I’m addicted to feeling alone

I love being sad and alone

Not talking to ppl

To me it’s a waste of time

Sometimes I do find comfort in it

But I don’t actually like it

There’s no point of caring about people

Not anymore not ever

One inconvenience to them and they’re gone

It’s ok it’ll always be this way

Same as my uncle

I’m destined to die alone

Can’t wait till that happens

But at least I’ll be happy I guess

No one can handle me at my worst

So no one can have me at my best

And at my best I’m supposed to be alone

Right now I have to be at my best

Я знал одну принцессу

Её называли Тени бу 

Она было красавица

И взяла моё сердца 

В этой жизни она самая

Хорошая, красивая и ласковая

Ласковая девушка это она

За неё болит моя душа

Радост она приносить всем 

Мы все её уважаем 

Я её так сильно люблю 

Ничего плохое ей не позволю

Она такая Сильная

Замечательная и Великолепная 

Для меня только есть она в этом мире

Я хочу с ней быть в паре

Ей в этом мире только удача 

Она моя яркая звёздочка

Я её люблю навсегда 

Чтобы она была только рада

Free is when I’m with you

Free is when I kiss your soft lips.

Free is when I hold your soft hands

Free is when I hug you tight

Free is when I run my hand through your hair

Free is when I can talk to you about anything

Free is when I see your bright smile

Free is even I look into your glowing eyes

Free is when I cuddle and snuggle

Free is when it’s me and you against the world

I’ll never be free again

I’ll always be trapped by the demons

The demons I let win this battle

One person had faith in my success

One person saw the good in me

One person wanted what’s best for me

One person motivated me to be the best

One person was there for me cheering me on

All I did was push that person back

Could I really not handle all the good they gave

Am I that weak

I am so pathetic

I was blessed with this person

But I cannot appreciate my blessings

I cannot do anything right ever

Who THE FUCK AM I ANYMORE

I worked so hard in building myself for YEARS

for FUCKING YEARS

And one bad event

Well actually a series of them

And I decide to just ruin everything

What in the world is wrong with me

One person I love

How could I let them down like this

How could I let myself down like this

I worked so hard, they worked so hard

And what did I do? Act so fcking weak

I worked on myself so hard

To gain so much confidence

I believed in myself too

But look at me now

Let down the one person who cared

The one person who wanted me to be happy

One person who saw what no one else did

Saw things I know I had underneath

For myself I started to work on them

And I loved how happy it made them

That’s why I kept doing it

To make me happy, make us happy

But one triggering bad event

And I let it all burn

My egg is golden

It shines so bright

It’s so delicious

It radiates positivity and sunshine

I love absorbing it all

I never wanted to crack my egg

I never wanted to lose it

I am the true face of evil for what I did