Navigating heartbreak. Again.

I read a comment on Reddit recently that was so beautiful. Eloquent. Articulate. The essence of heartbreak and moving on. How you become a different person, and they become a different person, and you're no longer longing as the previous person for the previous person.

He has no self control when he's drunk, and he stopped reaching out long before I told him I was blocking his number. I know that means I wasn't who he wanted long before then.

I had a physical on Friday. I filled out the screening questions the night before, and a nurse called me to make sure I wasn't going to kill myself. I felt really bad for her, how comfortable she was broaching the subject. I assured her I was doing okay. The questions are vague, I wasn't going to harm myself, I was going to be at my appointment.

I can't kill myself, too many people rely on me, but everyday I wish something bad would happen to me so I wouldn't have to think anymore. I can't stand to be here. I just have to decide if I'm going to sell my house. I could use the money, but I love this house. I love this space, and this neighborhood. But my fear of leaving no longer outweighs my fear of staying.

I'm going to have a strong heart to heart with the friend I'm visiting. Options to weigh, and she can weigh in nicely since she made that decision for herself already.

He began lecturing me about what I was ever doing in the first place, that *he* was and still is engaged (no he isn't and no he wasn't), that all of the people in his life were either covering for him or he had them convinced, too (because every person in his life told me they were not together). I can't begin to understand how this random man thinks he knows so much when they weren't friends.

It made me furious to have it brought up so publicly. Not because I have anything to hide, but because it's just so random for people to be thinking about. We're coming up on 10 months no contact and 2 1/2 years of not being together. It makes me sad to know I'm still so stuck, but it doesn't feel like it's been that long. I do feel like I'm finally in a place where I know I don't want to be with him. That I can't be.

I saw the child at the gym. Twice now in the last couple weeks. She left as I was changing the first time. I had to leave the second time. I couldn't focus. I've never seen her that late. I worry I'm losing my solitude, that I'll have to reconsider my schedule. I can't be around her. Maybe this is the universe pushing me to make another change.

I pulled the hood of my sweater up trying to hide my face as best I could. I know he knew I was there. I know he knows my car. I don't know if he looked at me, because the few times I looked at him, he wasn't. I think he saw me see him. He might've looked at me when he was at the cables.

At one point, I paused my music to read something. I heard him singing. I don't know what, I could tell it wasn't to the song playing overhead. I decided not to listen. He can't carry a tune anyway. I wondered if he was drunk. Why would he be singing? A little part of me wishes I had figured the song out, but I know it's better that I didn't.

I finished my last set and walked quickly to gather my things. I left as fast as I could out to my car. Sat for a moment, took a drink of water because my mouth became so dry, and promptly sped out of the lot.

I don't want to dream about him anymore.

I don't want to dream about him anymore.

I don't want to dream about him anymore.

I used ChatGPT for the first time the other day. I gave a prompt about being heartbroken about the not-quite-infidelity-but-still-a-massive-betrayal-of-my-trust-and-serious-moral-deficit issue, and not knowing what to do or how to feel about it. I saw a video a few days prior about AI taking over, and how someone who works with AI saying something along the lines of this: humans can be creative with ways in which to carry out mass murders, but AI is exponentially smarter, and there is absolutely no way for a human not even remotely close to that level of intelligence to even begin to predict the ways in which AI would come up with killing us. I say that to say this: ChatGPT so effortlessly and succinctly walked me through how to begin healing from this mess in less than 5 minutes. I've been bouncing my theatrics off a close friend and my therapist for the last 7 and 3 years, respectively.

It told me I can still love him and recognize that he isn't safe for me. His behavior crossed a line. I'm not overreacting. He doesn't align with who I am or what I deserve, and holding this boundary is strength, not a punishment. I'm coming to terms with grief, mourning the loss of our relationship but also the person I thought he was.

It says our breakup lacked emotional closure (100%). My nervous system still remembers the highs (our time together was a HIGH). And my imagination continues to circle back to him because I haven't replaced my future with him in my head. I had an incredibly vivid dream where I was completely in control, and I CHOSE to will him into it so I could kiss him. I could feel his hand on my face.

I continue to think about him everyday, maybe a little less often throughout the day, but every few weeks, it hits me like a brick. I'm so sad right now. I sat sobbing for a little bit because I saw his brother is awake. That almost always means he's there. The brother lives a few blocks from me.

I went out for a night of fun. I saw someone who looked interesting. I tried to segway into talking with him through his friends, but it didn't work too well. I thought he would be like every other guy who would stare and/or approach me because of my dancing, but he didn't. Even when I formally introduced myself, he didn't take the initiative to take lead. I'm actually not offended if he doesn't find me personally attractive, or if he just maybe was intimidated. I don't know.

What I do know is that I partly understand why men who hold themselves to a certain worth feel the need to seek the attention of women they otherwise would expect to have attention from but didn't get, and they want to make doubly sure it wasn't a truly missed connection. I spent time searching his friends and finding him. He's younger than I expected.

I don't know how to feel. I'm in Greece. I wanted to text him about a funny encounter I had, but I couldn't.

I found a new song to put on repeat. He's not (always) my first or last thought. Time passes and the hole is beginning to fill. We're just living, and who knows if he misses me, but at least he's leaving me alone. It used to kill me, but not (quite) anymore.

And I wonder if he's actually thinking of me like he always said he did. If I have a small space in the dark corner of his thoughts, too. Does actually he wonder how I'm doing, who I'm with, what I'm doing, if I'm thinking of him.

Now I'm wide awake. I didn't want to be home this weekend. I didn't want to be doing nothing while thinking of him. I wanted to be away from here and just... I don't even know. All I can think about is him. I imagine he's with the child right now. I can't text him to find out. I can't even text him just to check in.

I keep telling myself he doesn't care, so why should I? I keep telling myself he's doing just fine without me, so why am I so miserable?