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Matty was on the floor of your shared house in Los Angeles, his back against the cold wall of the living room, knees pulled to himself

He wasn't crying, that would've been productive you thought. It would be something at least, instead, he was just staring fixedly at the window of the room, not even once switching his gaze to something else. It was a really rainy, really cloudy morning, a cozy weather, perfect to stay at home, only if the tension inside of your living room wasn't so suffocating.

Two days, only two days since Matty had been back from his leg tour, you should be happy, you missed your boyfriend, and he had missed you so much, so, why weren't you?

During this past tour you had attended a couple of shows, but of course, you had your own job, your own life where you two live, so this time you were more back home rather than being always on the road along with the band, which it had been a complete torture for Matty to endorse all this time without you.

 That wasn't the thing though.

Two weeks ago, George had called you. It wasn't unusual, you were pretty much close to the rest of the boys, the time although, was a bit unexpected. 

It was late at night, after a long concert they had, you'd think that they were all really tired, but George had called you for a specific reason. 

George apologized, that was the first thing he had said to you, which caused you an immediate wave of concern. 

The subject in question was Matty. 

In fact, you had found a bit strange all the weird messages your boyfriend had sent you that specific night, but you didn't think much of it, he had probably just gotten drunk with the boys, just that. For your mischance, that wasn't the case.

George's tone wasn't the happiest, and you had heard him take a long deep breath before finally telling you what was really happening. 

Matty had been sober from heroin for six years now, since 2017, you and the people around him had always been so supportive of  him, and all you wanted was for him to be safe and healthy. 

He had never once, in these past six years, given a hint that he wanted to start using again, and Matty had said it before, when he is in a relationship, it's easier for him to stay in line and forget about any substances, you were his biggest anchor for the past years. 

So, you definitely didn't see it coming. 

In the phone call, George told you that a couple of days ago, someone from the crew had been using backstage, Matty somehow, had gotten himself using it too, no one was really expecting this, nor was able to stop him, they only saw his high state afterwards, the same one they all recognized from so many years ago. 

George apologized to you so uncountable times, mainly because he had only called you days after it had happen, and for even letting it happen. 

He had thought it was just a one time thing, and that Matty would never do it ever again, George and the rest of the boys would talk to him and tell him to not do it ever again, but unfortunately, despite everybody's efforts, Matty had been using it everyday since then, every night afterwards the shows. 

George called you four days after the first time. 

You were heartbroken for Matty, god, you really were. At the time you couldn't fly to be at Matty's side, so you had to wait two more weeks until he was finally back home. 

The worst of it, is that he hadn't told you himself, and he wouldn't if you hadn't brought it up last night, because he knew, he knew you would be sad and disappointed, but mostly you were so concerned.

Last night when you confronted him with it he had been so quiet, despite it, he reached for you in bed all night, clinging onto you while you were sleeping, and you had felt it. 

And now, this morning, he had been equally quiet, it made you feel unbelievably overwhelmed. 

At the same time you wanted to scream in his face, just to get at least one bit of reaction, you also wanted to comfort him, because afterwards, that was your sweet boy. Arguing with him wouldn't help the situation, actually, it would only make it worse. 

For a long time your relationship had been a bit dysfunctional. It was definitely  something that wasn't healthy, but you two loved each other so much, so you didn't really do anything about it. 

While Matty was so unbelievably dependent on you, always so needy and completely reliant on your opinion, he loved you so much, it was unattainable for him to live without you.

 You, although, consistently felt the need to look after him, because you were utterly aware of the dependency he had on you, and god, it wasn't something good for either of you, but what could you even do about it?

You wondered if he had thought of you before doing it, or during it, in his high state, more specifically if he had thought of what you would think or how you would react.

You paced through the living room, impatient and anxious. Did he even have one single thought crossing his mind at that moment? 

“Matty—” You started talking, but stopped yourself, looking at him while he covered his face with his two hands. 

“God Matty, at least say something please.” You begged, with a tiny tone of frustration, that you were so sure he had understood. 

Silence. Only that, you couldn't really bare this anymore, it was so fucking umbarable for you, the tormenting silence of this the past two days. 

“I can't do this anymore.” You ran your hands through your hair. “I—I really can't Matty. 

You didn't really understand yourself when you had said it, you didn't mean it like you were leaving, it was just a disclosure of how you have been feeling for a long time. Matty on the contrary, saw it immediately like it was a threat, meaning you were leaving him, that seemed to quite get a reaction from him. 

He snapped his head, looking at you, with desperate eyes. “No, no, no, baby—” Matty sobbed, while  getting up off the floor.

At the minimum warning you gave him, he reacted like that, and it was a cycle, he would cry, you would feel like the worst person ever, and at the same time, you didn't want to see him suffer, not one bit, so you just apologized, you both cried and promised to never argue again or shout out things that could harm one another. 

Matty knelt in front of you, his arms around your legs, completely bawling his eyes out, stumbling into words, fucking christ, you thought. 

Tears welling up your eyes, you ran your hand softly on his damp curls, from the bath he had taken an hour ago. 

“Matty, please get up.” You said whispering, your hand caressing slowly the top of his head. Feeling suddenly so subconscious and horrible with yourself. 

"Please. Please, I know. I know I fucked up. I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll do anything. I'll go back to meetings every day  I'll — please, don't — I can't do this without you. I can't. You know I can't." Matty sobbed against you, gripping harder against your legs, tears started rolling down your face, you knelt next to him.

You just wanted to hold him, tell him you didn't mean it to say it that way, even if you did, just anything to not see him in this state.

"I'm not leaving you. I'm not. But I can't keep doing this the way we've been doing it Matty.” You said to him, as you cupped his face in your two hands, making him look at you. He looked smaller, with a puffy face, and red eyes, while his body was shaking. 

You took a deep breath, looking into his eyes, one of his hands grabbed slightly your wrist, as he kissed the inside of your pulse, holding it tight against his chest after. 

“I will be better baby, I swear I will.” Matty promised you, between long desperate sobs. 

It was agonizing seeing him like this, it really was such a torture. 

“Matty, please, look at me, love.” You said in a small whisper, bringing your free hand to his jaw, lifting his head slightly a bit, just so he could look you in the eye. 

“I love you more than anything in this world, but please —.” You said, before stopping yourself with a sob escaping your lips. 

“You have to promise me, please don't do it ever again baby.” You said, your eyes betraying you, as tears rolled down your face again, after you had just cleaned your face minutes ago. 

Matty would do anything for you, that was the thing, you knew he would. 

This was all for you. 

As his lips parted slightly, he stayed silent for a couple of seconds, not trusting his voice immediate, he just looked at your beautiful voice, the tears rolling down your  cheeks, how you were also trembling, there was a certain intimacy in it, when you both were just hurting and suffering so much. 

You sat in your bedroom, on the edge of your bed. A room that once felt so familiar, seemed like a distant place now.

You messed with your hands, nervously picking at the cuticles of your fingers, you could only look down, you couldn't bear to look at him.

You didn't know how to feel, it was a mix of emotions, nervous, anxious, at the same time you were a bit excited; you felt a low warmth in your belly. 

The only light in the room came from a single candle, on your nightstand. A warm yellow flame that made the space feel extra cozy, which, you needed a grounding presence in that moment.  

Matty could sense your tension, he himself was equally nervous, after all, even with the whole edgy rockstar thing he had going on, both of you were still just two teenagers, both nervous, about to lose their virginity. You knew for sure if you wanted to do it with someone, it was with Matty, without a doubt. 

It was a rainy afternoon, the pouring rain made everything seem more melancholic, which didn't help with the wistful sensation you were feeling but didn't quite know or describe why. You wondered if he felt the same way, what could be crossing his mind in that moment?

Your house was empty, only with you two there, your parents were at work, and would only be home many hours later. 

Matty knelt down in front of you, taking your hands on his, and kissing them softly.

“We don't have to do anything you don't wanna do love.”  He whispered to you, his eyes locking in yours. 

You felt nervous, so nervous, but you wanted to do it, you really wanted, it seemed scary, god it really did, but you trusted Matty. 

“I-I want to do it Matty.” You whispered back, bringing your hand to his face, caressing his cheek softly, your fingers feeling his warm skin. “I trust you.” You said. 

You trusted him more than anything in the world, after all, you were giving your body to him, something so precious. 

Matty took your hand that was placed on his cheek, kissing your palm, your fingers, then placing another hand on your waist... He crashed his mouth to yours, as you gasped softly to the sensation, but you let him take control.

His fingers interlaced on your long hair, not pushing, just to bring you closer to him.  He crawled over you, his body a warm shield above yours, and pulled back just enough to meet your eyes. His thumb traced your cheekbone.

You could already feel he was hard, his length against your tight, aching. 

"Tell me if anything feels wrong. Tell me if you want to stop." You nodded, and he kissed your forehead before his lips found yours again — slower this time, like he was memorizing the shape of you.

You felt your whole body burning, not literally, but he was definitely making you feel so many different things right now. 

Matty placed a pillow below your head, just so you could feel a bit more comfortable.

His lips met yours again, as his tongue slid inside your mouth. Your hands slid up his back, fingers catching on the fabric of his shirt. He hummed against your mouth, a small sound of approval, and broke the kiss just long enough to tug it over his head. You watched him for a second — the way the low light of the candle traced his shoulders…

Then he was back, one hand braced beside your head, the other resting on your hip. His thumb traced a slow circle against your skin where your shirt had ridden up, and your breath hitched.

"Okay?" he murmured, lips brushing yours.

You nodded, and he kissed the corner of your mouth, then your cheek, then that spot just below your ear that made your fingers curl into the sheets.

You liked how he was always so attentive, and wanted to make sure that you were okay at every second possible. 

He finally took your shirt slowly and carefully, tossing it gently on the floor, he then took a look at you. You blushed, you suddenly felt so conscious that he was going to see every part of you, but fuck, he just stared at you like you were the most beautiful painting he had ever seen in his life. 

He kissed your neck, then placed gentle kisses in your collarbone, making you shiver to the sensation of his lips on your skin. 

Before parting to your breasts, he looked at you once, looking for your approval.

“Can.. Can I lick them?” He asks, almost shy, you giggled at the sight of him being so timid in front of you.

A soft pant is stolen from your lips at the question. Wordlessly you bring your hand to the back of his head, your fingers entangling in his hair as you guide him forward. 

He bit delicately one of your nipples, then began to suck it, while his hand gave attention to the other breast, pinching the opposite nipple. Your body arch slightly, a  reaction to the touch,  he licked your nipples, kissed, sucked…

 You took small breaths to ground yourself, he finally lifted his head to look at you, you were a bit flushed, he brought his lips to yours,  and you messily kissed. Your hands in his messy dark curls, fingers twined in his hair, as he groaned against your mouth.

“I- I think I want to suck you baby..” He tells you, a bit breathless against your mouth, you blushed, you were so sure he could see it. 

Does he know how to do it? Definitely not, it was obviously his first time, but he would learn, he wanted to make you feel as good as possible.

You nodded slightly, as you couldn't bring yourself to trust any sound that could escape your mouth, although he wanted to hear you say it. 

You swallowed hard, your voice barely above a whisper. "I would like that.” A smile tugged at his lips — relieved, although a little shy, as he pressed a kiss to your knuckles before letting go of your hand. He shifted down the bed, his lips trailing a path down your stomach as he went.

He unbuttoned your pants, pushing them off, a bit clumsier, while maintaining eye contact with you, which you avoided, looking at the ceiling instead. He took your panties gently, tossing them on the floor next to the rest of your clothes. 

When he settled between your legs, he looked up at you — and the sight of him there, pupils dark, cheeks flushed, hair falling into his eyes — made your chest tighten.

He hesitated for just a second, fingers grazing your inner thigh. "Tell me if I'm bad please." he mumbled, half-joking.

 You could tell he was nervous, even when trying to look confident, but this was all so new for the both of you, he wanted to make you feel good, so good for him.

You let out a breathy laugh. "I trust you."

That seemed to steady him. He nodded once, then ducked his head.

The first touch of his mouth was tentative — a clumsy kiss, unsure of pressure or placement. He pulled back, frowning slightly, adjusting. Then he tried again, slower this time, finding a rhythm that made your hips twitch.

His tongue traced your clit, he was tasting you for the first time and wanted to memorize the shape of it. Your hand found its way into his hair, fingers threading through the strands, not pulling, just holding on.

He paused, breath warm against you. "Like that?"

You could barely form words. A sound — something between a hum and a gasp — escaped your throat, and he took it as encouragement. He dipped his head again, more confident now, finding a rhythm that made your back arch slightly off the mattress. 

You felt his warm breath against you, making you shiver, his tongue tracing your folds, sucking slightly, licking your wetness.

He kept that same pace, as you felt your first orgasm so close, you gasped, your hips rolling against his face. 

“God.. I'm so close Matty.. please.” You said, between breaths, and it really didn't take you that long, Matty did a good job keeping that same pace he learned you liked. 

You came in his mouth, your cum on his tongue, as he did his best to suck and lick everything. He made a small content sound against your pussy, as he finished to clean you up, finally climbed to you again, licking his lips. 

You gently caressed his check, with a content smile. “Fuck, Matty..” You whispered to him. 

“Good?” He asked, waiting for your approval like a happy puppy, he wanted to make sure he did everything right. 

You nodded, your head still spinning but you managed to look at him, you brought your lips to his, kissing him, you could feel your taste in his mouth. 

“Can I blow you Matty?” You asked, with a bit more of confidence

His erection was aching even more than before, he brought his hand to his boner, to grasp himself as a chance to relieve the pain. God, he imagined the sensation of your mouth in his dick, he was almost cumming in his jeans just to the thought of it. 

“Y-Yeah.” He answered. 

He stumbled his hands into the zipper of his pants, trying to take his skinny jeans the quicker as possible, the friction of the jeans rubbing his erection. Once he took his pants, tossing them aside, he crashed his lips on yours, in a messy tangle of tongues, he brought one of his hands to his length beneath the boxers, stroking himself. 

You nervously get up, sitting on the bed as Matty watches you, you slowly undress him from his boxers, as he takes small breaths in anticipation. 

He awkwardly sat next to you, you really didn't know how it would be the better way of doing this. 

“I don't really know how to-” You said while getting up, standing in front of him and then deciding to get on your knees. 

You looked up, he was as nervous as you, and so fucking hard, you nodded with your head, before looking at his tucked up erection. 

“Just.. Do whatever you think is good, baby.” He told you, trying to coach you. 

You stroked him down once, your cold fingers around his hard length. You run your thumb around the tip, smearing the precum, and you licked it, tasting him, you payed attention to the tip first.

He moans slightly to the sensation, bringing one of his hands to your hair. 

Your hand pumps up and down, twisting at the wrist, you like to hear his little sounds, how he holds his breaths, choking on them. 

You suck on it, you do your best to bring your mouth down to his length, trying to fit everything in your mouth, what you couldn't, you stroked it with your hand. 

“Oh god, fuck-” He moaned as his hand guide your head to go a bit deeper. 

You drag up, making him hit the inside of your cheek, as you felt him closer and closer to cum. 

“Shit, baby you should probably-” Matty began to say, not sure if you wanted him to cum in your mouth.

You had came in his mouth, so, you wanted him to cum in yours too, you stroke him down to the edge, making him twist and cum in your mouth. Matty gasped, throwing his head back, soft sounds leaving his mouth.

You tried your best to get everything you could in your mouth, and even if you weren't able to, you sucked almost everything, licking your lips, and your fingers covered in his orgasm. 

You two had made a bit of a mess, you tried to clean the majority of it, before climbing to his lap, your clit rubbing against his thigh. 

He places his hands on your waist, bringing his head up to look at you, with a cheeky, tired smile.

“You were so good for me baby.” 

“Y-Yeah?” You asked him a bit shyly, before kissing him, his hands caressing your waist. 

He was still hard as a rock, you could feel it. You rubbed your clit once again in his thigh, as you let a slight moan escape your lips.

“I want to fuck you so bad..” He whispered in your ear, making you completely shiver. “D-Do you want that?” He asked.

You nodded with your head, you wanted him inside of you, you wanted him to fuck you.

“Do you have a..? You asked, as he gets what you were asking. 

“Oh, y-yeah, yeah, definitely,” He said. “Let me just..” Matty said as he sat you on the bed, getting up, looking for his pants, he definitely had brought condoms with him. 

He looked in the pockets of  his jeans, taking one condom and sitting with you on the bed again. 

He rips it open, nervously, you could see his hands shaking. He strokes himself once, before rolling the condom through his length, you felt a heated feeling in your belly just to the sigh of it. 

He takes a deep breath, as he awkwardly looks at you again, he wasn't sure how you would want to do this. You lay down, and he takes the sign, as he crawls, once again, above  you. Before he places himself inside of you, he locks his eyes on yours, your chests pressed against each other. 

“If you want to stop at any moment, or if I hurt you even a tiny bit– please tell me baby, and we will stop.” He said to you.

“I know baby, okay...” You said, taking his hand in yours, and intertwining your fingers in his, as a way of grounding yourself, he squeezes your hand. 

Matty takes a deep sigh, and takes his hand to his length to guide it to your entrance. He pushes his hips, as he places himself inside of you, you shivered to the sensation. He stays like that for a bit, looking into your eyes for any bit of discomfort, once you nodded to him that you were okay and he makes sure you aren't uncomfortable, he begins to slowly thrust. 

It was a strange, but good feeling, it was just so new to the both of you. 

“G–God, so tight..” He mumbles against you, as his head drops into your chest. 

Soon enough he finds a comfortable and stable slow rhythm to begin, although you tried your best to keep yourself calm and collective, you started to feel tears running down your cheeks. 

You take a deep breath, throwing your head back, it didn't feel bad, it was just an overwhelming feeling that you couldn't bear, Matty although, notice your visible silence.

He looked at you, seeing the tears rolling through your face and completely froze, stopping in the same moment. 

“H–Hey, baby, are you okay?” He asks, as he places one of his hands against your cheek. 

He was so fucking worried, terrified he was hurting you, and didnt have any idea of  what he should do now. 

“II'm okay, I'm sorry,” You said, with a trembled voice. “It feels good baby, I'm just- I just feel a bit weird.” 

“Please baby, tell me if I'm hurting you, i-i'm concerned..” He tells you, as his other hand cups your cheek, now caressing your face with both hands. 

You place a soft kiss on his lips. “I'm okay Matty, seriously, it's just.. so new, but please keep going.”

He doesn't dare to move in the next seconds, but he wipes your tears, and intertwines one of his hands in yours again, as he begins to slowly thrust again.  

It was a slow place, his eyes locked on yours, and everything felt so deeply intimate. Tears continue to roll through your cheeks, and he holds you, grounding you, as you gradually start to find a pleasant feeling.

He places himself deeper inside of you, as you both gasp . It was a bit difficult to adapt to the feeling, but he was attentive to any tiny signal that you weren't feeling well.

“G-God, Matty…” You moan, as he starts to thrust at a deeper pace and faster pace.

“Fuck baby.. y-you feel so good for me, so so good.” He mutters,  praising you. 

He squeezes your hand, filling you entirely as your hips meet. Matty’s head dips forward with a deep groan, feeling himself pulse inside you. 

He didn't cum immediately, he was trying to hold on for a bit more. The feeling of him being completely inside of you was a bit painful, but so pleasant, you were holding your breath, while choking softly, trying to ground yourself. 

“F-Fuck baby, y-you feel so g-good, oh god..” He moans, he could barely hold himself at that moment.

You took a deep unhurried breath, trying to adjust to the feeling that was coming next, squeezing even tighter his hand. He could feel the orgasm coming, he wanted to be looking at you, meet your gaze and see every bit of a reaction. 

“M–Matty, I think I'm gonna–” You mumbled, as you felt yourself so close to cumming.”

“Fuck– baby i–i  i'm gonna–”

Matty can't even properly finish his sentence, as his hand squeezes harder around yours, and he spills into the condom. 

Very shortly after, you finally, also come, letting a big pleasant gasp escape your lips, your eyes roll, as you throw your head back, trying to breath properly, gasping for air.

You both felt deeply exhausted, and so fucking relieved. His head stays resting on your chest, as you feel his hot breath against your skin, trying to also respire properly. You felt completely worn out, the warm candle illuminating your bedroom, while you stared at the wall. The room was silent, the only thing you could hear was Matty's heartbeat and frantic respiration.

Neither of you deared to move or say a single word, as he stayed buried inside of you.

He was slightly sweating, of course, his damp forehead and dark curls, you ran your head softly through them. 

“I love you so much..” He mumbled to you, in a deep, tired voice. 

“I love you too Matty..” You answered, in a whisper. 

You weren't crying anymore, although he had teary eyes when he lifted his head, staring deep into your eyes.