iHuneey's

Dear Next, 

I have a message for you. I wanna tell you about a side of him no one in this entire world has seen but me. But first I wanna tell you about the side he will show you first. 

He will love you, no doubt. He will give you the feeling as if you were the only woman in this entire universe. He will hold your hand and you will feel like you own all treasures that this world offers. He will hug you and you will feel powerful. He will sweet talk you into everything. You won’t doubt any decisions you make, because you know you have his back. He will smile at you and you will melt. He will stay the whole night on the phone, hearing your breath while you’re asleep and he won’t get bored. You will wake up to the sound of his breath on the other side of the phone and you will feel whole again.

He will love you, no doubt and you will love him too. 

When he has the feeling that you’re his and that nobody can do you apart, you will see his true face. He will tell you to stop wear the red dress you’re actually obsessed with, because he doesn’t like it. He will tell you to put make up on to look more beautiful. He will tell you that your hair most be longer, thicker, shinier. He will take away every single drop of your self confidence, because how couldn’t you when he was this entire time truthful? He will tell you that he doesn’t like your mother and he will shout to you so badly that in this right moment you won’t understand what is actually happening. You will be afraid, but you won’t be able to let go of him. I mean, he hugged you, he loved you, he is your treasure. Right? 

‘Ich will nicht, dass du dich so anziehst, so siehst du doch aus wie eine Schlampe!’ ‘Was glaubst du, wer du eigentlich bist?’ ‘Du bist scheiße, genauso wie alle anderen.’ ‘Ich dachte du wärst anders, doch du bist wie jede andere Frau da draußen.’ ‘Ich will jetzt endlich auflegen, ich halte dich nicht mehr aus’ ‘Lässt du mich jetzt endlich gehen? Diese 5 Minuten länger mit dir machen es auch nicht mehr aus.’ ‘Ich will dich nicht sehen, geh mir aus den Augen’ ‘Ich will nicht mit dir reden, ich hab kein Bock auf dich’

Und trotzdem bin ich diejenige, die scheiße ist. Ich bin diejenige, die sich falsch verhält. Ich bin doch die, die ihn zuerst provoziert. Ich bin doch diejenige, die ihn so wütend macht, dass ich ihn so aus der Fassung bringe, Ich bin Schuld. Ich, ich, ich. 

Doch so will ich nicht mehr behandelt werden. Ich verdiene es nicht so schlecht behandelt zu werden. Wirklich nicht. 

So there is something that is making me crazy these last days. I’ve thinking about honesty. Are we really honest to ourselves and to the people around us? The more I thought about it, the more I became unhappy with the results. 

Because I am not honest. I am neither honest to myself, nor to people I have to be honest with. 

 I am not honest to my boyfriend, who thinks that I’m the happiest girl on earth with him. I can’t talk to him, I can’t tell him my deepest thoughts and wishes. I can’t open my heart to him. I just can’t talk to him, without analysing his reaction and the things he might say to me. I can’t just tell him, that I can’t stand him and can’t stand the way he is behaving and talking to me. I can’t tell him, that I have a online blog. A blog I’m telling everyone about our relationship. I can’t tell him, that I was devastated last weekend, because my ex got married. I can’t tell him, that I’m not sad about the fact that he is married, but about the fact that he has done so many things in these last three years and I’m still here. Not one stop forward in my life. I can’t tell him, that this is eating me inside and that this is the reason I loose sleep every damn night. I can’t tell just call him, and scream to him, that I don’t want him anymore. I can’t stand his laugh. I can’t stand the way he is, that he can’t show a fly how he feels about them. I can’t stand him talking to me, I can’t stand his jokes. His fucking not-so-funny jokes. I just can’t stand him. I can’t tell him, that the fact he is being such a pussy and not manly enough to tell his father about us is making me sick. HE IS MAKING ME SICK. It’s making me sick, that he enjoys joking about how I look, or the way I choose my clothes and the way I put make up on. 

I can’t imagine marrying this guy. This guy, that I have all these negative thoughts about and he isn’t even seeing it. How could someone be so dumb and not realise that the person he is talking to every single day is not even standing him anymore?! 

So this is for you babe. I don’t love you, and this is the fucking truth. I don’t want someone who is so egoistic and self-centred like you are. 

I want someone who laughs about my jokes, who loves me the way I am. I want someone who realises when life is bad to me. I want someone who loves me, and is not afraid to show it. I want someone, who wants to tell the whole world about us and not someone who is already thinking about marrying a second woman. I want a soft hearted man, someone who wants to fight for me and fight for my happiness. I want someone who does all these things. All these things I’m already doing for him and he isn’t even seeing it. 

I’m so angry. I’m so angry with this world. I don’t deserve all this bullshit that is happening to me. I’m a good person. I’ve never done anyone any harm. I’ve always been there for everyone who needed me. Why am I being treated like shit? Why is the world punishing me for being good!? 

I don’t get it. I don’t understand it anymore. Bad people get everything they wish for, and the good one are punished for being good. They say Karma is a bitch and I say Karma is a fucking lie. A lie that is told to the good people, so that they don’t dance out the line. They tell that lie, so that they stay in that fucking line, while the bad ones have a fucking party.

Should I be a badass girl? Is this what the world is trying to tell me?! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANNA TELL ME? Should I be bad? Should I treat them all wrong? Should I lie, and break people’s hearts?! 

What should I do? I’m lost, I’m lost and I don’t know anymore what is good for me. I’ve always been good to people, I never broke someone’s heart, I never treated anyone wrong. I’ve always been honest and friendly. I’ve always been there for everyone. But there’s no one there for me. No soul. 

I’m lonely. I’m alone. I’m alone and I can’t do anything about it. 

This is the first time in months to feel the need to write my feelings and thoughts down, and this is never a good sign. This means I don’t have someone I could talk to and tell what goes on in my head. I just have you, people I don’t know and probably will never know. 

I’m with this someone, I love him - no questioning. But there is something else I feel that comes with this love. I can’t really define it. 

You know what?! Fuck this. Fuck everything. Fuck people who make you feel that way. Fuck all of it. Fuck all of them. Whatever they say, don’t listen to them. You’re worth it. You’re a fucking warrior. There is no one like you. Don’t you dare to believe that you’re somehow not loved. You are loved. I LOVE YOU. And there are plenty of me out there loving you. You just have to cut off all these toxic people out of your life. They are the poison that ruin your happiness. THEY ARE, not you, baby. 

Better days are coming. Always know that. 

You know all these texts I wrote about him? How much I needed him in my world? How much I’m missing him? How time didn’t change the feelings I had for him? How I thought that the love I have for him, was growing with time and not passing? How I wrote, that I wished I could see him for one last time just to tell him all this? 

Well, I did it. 

I saw him. I talked to him. It was the same face I’ve always known. The same strong hands, the same scar. Everything just the same. 

But then I realized something. I realized that he wasn’t the same at all. That all this was just an illusion. My mind was messing with me. My mind was playing with me, trying to convince me, that all I’m seeing is just what I was missing. 

It was the same face, but not the same laugh. It was the same hands, but not the same warm touch. It was the same mouth, but not the same kiss. It was the same eyes, but not the same look. Not the same soul. Not the same warmth. Love. Attraction. Words. Gestures. Thoughts. Goals. Dreams. 

It just wasn’t him - not anymore.  And I’m happy about it. Happy that I had the chance to see all this. To not wonder, to not ask myself all the ‘what ifs’.