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cw: sad vibes all around and italics for lyrics and some memories. that’s it i think. this was written in like an hour with ‘cigarette smoke’ by olivia rodrigo playing on repeat and also i was remembering some things of my last relationship while writing this so some things did happen irl. not proofread whatsoever but if i happen to see some mistake later on trust it’ll be fixed!
hope you enjoy. comments, likes, and reblogs are always appreciated
‘cigarette smoke […] clings to my clothes, seeps into my bones’
the mid-september weather welcomed you as you stepped out of your house for the first time in what felt like forever. your eyes felt as puffy as they seemed to be and your shirt was clinging uncomfortably on your shoulders
you felt weird, like you were floating mid air as you started your run, not fully feeling the ground beneath your feet as you picked up the pace to the rhythm of the songs you were blasting in your headphones
it was an impromptu decision, going out for a run after a long week of staying home under the covers basically inhaling whatever little food you had at home
truth was, you weren’t okay. even if you tried to fool your godfather—and a little of yourself—you both knew the breakup had done a big deal of damage to whatever pace you’d picked up and enjoyed in the past two years
it was fairly early—4 am to be exact—and even though the day was barely starting, it felt like you had been awake for a week straight. you barely slept and barely ate, surviving off pure sadness and that air of tiredness that floated above you
you tried to clear your mind—that was the whole purpose of that sudden decision of going out for a run at 4 am—but the memories just came to your mind, clouding whatever little bit of stability you had left
‘whatever happens, we’ll stick together’ trinity mumbled under her breath, linking her pinky with yours, ‘second year ends soon, after that we can go up to new york for a couple days and enjoy a full weekend just the two of us’
you shook your head at the memory, trying to will away the tears that were forming in your eyes and the inevitable new tear that appeared in your heart
you picked up the pace, running over and over again through your street, passing the damned lavender house you used to say would be yours in a couple years time
‘i know mrs jones wants to retire in a couple of years and move down to florida to be near her daughter and grandchildren’ you mindlessly mentioned one day while you walked hand in hand with trinity down the street a random april day
‘maybe it’ll be ours to start our own family’ she smiled at you, softly squeezing your hand as if it was just a simple comment. but even though your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest you decided to pretend it didn’t have that impact on you and kept walking, a small smile adorning your face
the tears were flowing freely down your face by that point, and unknowingly, you had stopped in front of the house to just stare at it
it was way past 6 by the time you noticed you had been standing there staring straight to the house and you finally got the courage to leave when mrs jones stepped outside, greeting you and offering a cup of coffee for you to start your day
‘it’s a real quiet house […] five beers in the fridge and the second car’s gone’
you realized you hated being home when you walked inside and finally realized how quiet it was and how empty it felt
you stood in the kitchen door for a couple of minutes, staring straight into the now empty fridge door that used to be full of pictures of your relationship until you finally shook your head and walked to grab some cold water
the first things you saw were the unopened beers she had left in the back of your fridge and scoffed out a dry laugh at the absurdity of the situation
the cold water went down your throat with a delicious burn you didn’t know you missed and you didn’t think twice before you walked straight to the shower to wash away the sadness and sweat that adorned your skin
everything you were doing felt like automatic actions. shower, brush your teeth and hair, get dressed, eat, wash the dishes, rinse and repeat
your phone rang a couple times before you decided to check it, seeing texts from jack, your godfather, asking how things were going, but you just turned it off and tossed it on the nightstand. laying back on your bed and staring at the ceiling you started reminiscing about everything that had gone down in those last months, a routine you seemed to be mastering as the days went by
you didn’t notice when you fell asleep, but by the time you woke up it was very bright outside. you checked the time and groaned, it was past 2 pm and you had promised jack you’d help him box some old stuff to store it in his garage
you stood up and changed out of your home clothes to make your way outside to where your car was parked
you stopped dead in your tracks as you realized you were opening the passenger door instead of the driver’s one and blinked fast before going around the car to open the correct door and make your way to jack’s house
‘i regret you and how long i stayed […] i thought that we played the perfect couple ‘til you didn’t want the part’
everything felt like a chore. waking up, doing your morning routine, cooking, eating, even drinking water felt almost impossible to do
your body felt heavy, the devastating mixture of tiredness and sadness slowly catching up to you and dragging you down to a place your saddest thoughts were waiting to welcome you with open arms
every step you took felt heavy. that heaviness that felt final and was charged with every single emotion you had held in for a long time
you checked the time for what felt like the millionth time. you had agreed to meet up with trinity after her shift, taking advantage of the couple free days you had ahead thanks to jack and the schedule he had amazingly crafted for a quick trip to the beach
your phone buzzed, a text from trinity coming through
‘sorry, can’t go rn. garcia finally had some free time to teach me the sutures we were talking about. ily, see you tomorrow <3’
you huffed in annoyance, blocking your phone, and turned to look at your suitcase. ‘whatever,’ you thought, ‘i better start unpacking’
you noticed a picture you had up on a shelf. whitaker’s face was scrunched up in a happy expression, trinity was holding up her middle finger, and you were mockingly biting dennis’ cheek. a soft smile crept up on your face as you remembered that day. it had been a rare day when the three of you were off at the same time so, naturally, an impromptu trip to the arcade downtown was born and you remembered that day as if it had been yesterday. your smile soured the moment you remembered that it had been the day where you and trinity had tried on a bunch of different beach outfits, pretending to model them so whitaker could give you both his opinions about each of them a couple weeks before you had to cancel the trip you were so excited for
‘some nights can be so fucking lonely but it’s better than begging you to stand up for me’
you used to hate sleeping alongside someone else. you loved your bed and that it was entirely yours up until the moment trinity santos waltzed into your life and used you so much as her personal cuddle pillow that you ended up loving it enough that you couldn’t really fall asleep without her holding you
it felt like a slap to your face the first night you had to spend fully on your own right after the breakup
and it felt like life or the universe or whatever loved to slap you whenever you as much as placed a finger on your bed
that loneliness you used to welcome with good energy now threatened to swallow you whole. your bed felt a thousand times bigger and colder than before. and you hated that. you hated that the love you once appreciated had damaged that receptivity for being alone, twisting it to the most horrible feeling of loneliness you never thought you’d ever feel
it was a particularly hard day. your photos app had shown you some suggested pictures of what had been some of the best moments in your relationship
you loved staying home during winter time because you had the chance to stay warm while admiring the beautiful snow falling down on the ground
but it was one of those rare occasions you agreed to go out for a drive in the late afternoon. after a couple of hours you arrived to the beach, and as soon as you left the car it started to snow
it felt like an out of body experience, seeing snow fall down on the beach. it was a beautiful sight
trinity wasted no time in grabbing some snow and throwing it at you, starting a small snow throwing game in the middle of the beach
before you knew it she pulled you to her, your chest pressed against hers before she brushed the hair put of your face and pulled you into a kiss
and even though it was freezing, you swore you could melt right then and there
you felt the tears come up to your eyes and even though you tried to make them go away, you failed tremendously. you walked out to the kitchen and yanked open the fridge door, opening one of the beers and taking a big swing, relishing the burn of the alcohol down your throat
you grabbed the rest of the cans and sat down on the floor, opening one after the other. you didn’t realize when you walked into your bathroom, two cans of beer still in your hands, and turned on the shower
it was all an automatic action, you took off your clothes and got under the shower before opening the two beers left and drinking them under the stream of water. by the time you finished them the situation seemed to dawn on you and you let out a dry chuckle
‘i regret you and what i let slide, i resent you for taking her side’
you remember as clear as day the moment it all started to go downhill
it was a fairly normal day. the pitt was bustling with a lot of patients and back-to-back traumas in little time. robby walked out of trauma one after asking you to please tell trinity to finish her charting while she taught her portion of the r1s and medical students
you walked out of the trauma room five minutes after, walking around the er to look for trinity and tell her what robby had asked you to
you finally caught a glimpse of her back making her way into the south corridor that led straight to one of the many staircases in the building. you quietly walked after her and were about to call her name when you noticed garcia pulling her into a tight hug before she softly squeezed trin’s waist
you walked backwards, heart on your throat, and went back inside the er. dana saw your expression when you reached the nurses’s station but you avoided her and walked straight out to the ambulance bay
it hadn’t been the first time you noticed something between the both of them but that didn’t make it hurt any less. the first time had been some pictures of the both of them from the time they were together, trinity had said she hadn’t had the chance to delete them, but in more than one occasion you saw her gazing at the pictures before locking her phone or closing the app. there was another occasion where she called trin to let her know something about her surgical fellowship, you didn’t understand why she was still entertaining the conversations, but when you brought it up she just shrugged and casually said they were friends, and that ‘friends talk about work stuff’
the tipping point was the constant occurrences of those ‘friendly’ situations and when you finally exploded she looked at you like you were being unreasonable. that was the first real and deep crack in your relationship
you sighed, rubbing your eyes, and turned to your side to force yourself to fall asleep
‘it’s bone dry, bitter and hollow. you’ll be miles away tomorrow. why’d i try at all?’
the decision was taken and no matter how much jack or dana or robby or anyone really begged you, you were finally leaving pittsburgh behind
your third year of residency was wrapping up and with it came new opportunities career-wise
you had applied for a transfer to different residency programs and were more than happy to hear back from mass gen to start as early as you could. they had loved your curriculum and everything you had accomplished in your three years as a resident at ptmc and you were more than happy to leave behind a place that had torn you to pieces for a new place where you could have the chance to piece yourself back together
you knew your last month was going to be an emotional and complicated one, saying goodbye often was, and while you were ready a part of you was desperately trying to cling on to what you did know, the people that you loved and that loved you. but a change was necessary
the last shift felt like a big bad joke. everything that could go wrong, went wrong, and everything that you wanted to go right, didn’t go that way
after you did your night rounds and successfully handed over every single one of your patients, princess and perlah clung to your sides, hugging you and messing with your hair
selfishly, a part of you was happy. your friends had kindly planned a small goodbye party for you in the break room. the table was filled with all your favorite snacks and you laughed when you noticed the string made of poorly edited cutouts of your face with party hats
you thanked everyone, giving out and receiving hugs from everyone present. well, almost everyone
trinity was looking at you with an expression you didn’t know how to interpret, leaning against the door and holding a red cup to her lips
mel and langdon pulled you out of the little staring contest between the two of you to give you a small gift bag. you hugged them and opened the gift, seeing a small picture album filled with pictures of everyone present from the three years you had spent together
you felt your eyes fill with tears. not only because of the gift but because of everything that had happened in less than six months; the end of your relationship, the sadness that lingered, and the decision of leaving behind the place you’d learned to call home and the people you’d learned to call family
your heart felt impossibly heavy during the flight to massachusetts but the moment you walked into what you would slowly turn into your new home, your heart felt a little less heavy
unpacking everything didn’t feel like a chore. it felt fun, light, and necessary. it was the first time in almost two months you felt something else other than the never ending sadness
nervousness for what lay ahead of you
and still sadness for what you had left behind
‘tell me something honest so the memories turn dark. the memories go dark. go dark’
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you start to wonder if you’re ready for a second chance at love
wc: 6.3k
cw: hospital gala situation, jolex wedding!! therefore grey’s people cameo and dialogue usage from that episode, realizations, two idiots in love istg they just don’t say it, and, as always, doctor talk that may not be accurate
“i feel ridiculous,” you stared at yourself in the mirror. the store was almost empty, which wasn’t surprising since it was eleven in the morning
“you look good,” dana chimed in from the sofa she was sitting on next to lena, her usually tied hair falling loose down to her shoulders
“i look ridiculous, dana” you turned to her
“you don’t.” she rolled her eyes, “but maybe yellow shouldn’t be your main option”
you smoothed down your dress, “right?” you turned to the side, checking the dress’ cut on you. “don’t really think this cut is either.”
“i’ll go find you some other dresses. i’ll be right back” she winked at you, walking away to the other side of the store to find you some other options
“so,” lena started, looking up from her phone, “do you have a date for this little soirée, or is this an alone kind of event?”
you rolled your eyes affectionately, “come on, lena. just because jack and i are going together doesn’t mean it’s a date” you put your hands on your hips, a small smile on your face, “this is a work event, and we’re just friends”
“yeah, right.” she sighed, “it’s funny to me how much the board is taking advantage of the fact you’re a part hospital owner, it kinda attracts donors”
you laughed, shaking your head. “i also happen to be an excellent doctor, thank you very much”
“you also are a very beautiful, single woman who has a perfectly eligible, single man as her date, even if it’s for a work event” she winked at you just as dana walked to you with four different dresses for you to try
“oh, i like that green one” lena pointed at the second dress but your eyes drifted immediately to the dark purple one dana was holding
“i knew that dress would be the one” dana whistled at you when you walked out of your room, rollers still on your head
“i have you to thank for it” you modeled the dress for her and ellie, who was sitting on the couch with the biggest smile on her face
“you look really pretty, mommy.” your heart warmed at her words, “like the prettiest princess in the whole world”
“thank you, baby” you blew her a kiss, “be good for auntie dana, okay?” she nodded, “i’ll go in a bit, so make sure to brush your teeth before going to bed, okay?” she nodded again
the doorbell rang and ellie got up, “i’ll get it” she walked over to open the door where jack was standing, checking his watch, “hey, jack! i like your suit”
“oh, hey, baby bug” he leaned down to take her up in his arms, “is your mom ready yet?”
ellie scrunched her nose, “not really, she has some weird thing in her hair”
“they’re called rollers, baby bug” you said softly as you finished taking off the rollers so your hair could fall around your face in a perfectly styled blow-out. “someday you’ll learn how to use them” you walked over to them and pressed a kiss to her cheek before doing the same to jack, “hey, you. you’re early”
“i’m not,” he chuckled, giving you a side hug, “i’m right on time.” he checked his watch, “actually, we’re going to be late” he put ellie down so she could walk to her room, “you look really good”
you felt your face grow hot, “thanks.” you took a step forward, getting even closer to him than before so you could fix his jacket. after you did, you softly ran your hands down to his chest and you noticed how his neck slowly got redder by the second, “you also clean up really nice.” you smiled at him, patting softly at his chest before stepping back. you cleared your throat before adding, “i’ll go grab my purse so we can leave”
you walked into your room and dana took the chance to walk towards him, “so, when are you finally gonna ask her out?” she raised her eyebrows, “i got big money on that happening anytime this month”
he let out a dry chuckle, “trust me, she doesn’t see me that way”
dana shook her head with a smile on her face, “you are so blind, jack abbot. get your head out of your ass”
you walked out of your room, fully ready, and said, “ready to go?”
jack nodded, without being able to get a word out. dana, standing besides him, leaned to the side, whispering in his ear, “you are so fucked”
dana evans was many things, a kind woman, an excellent mother, a great cook, and one of the best, if not the best, nurse jack abbot had ever met
also, unfortunately for him, she managed to always be right
jack was in fact very freaking fucked. he suspected it the first time he saw you back when he was sent on that forced vacation and you moving to pittsburgh had only made it completely clear. he felt a pull towards you, like an invisible string tied around your hearts tugging you closer and closer until it inevitably brought you two together
he remembered the first time he saw you clear as day. he saw you in a hotel bar, you were wearing a dark purple tank top and a long white skirt, a fruity drink in your hand. you were laughing hard at some entertainment performance they had on the tiny stage
that feeling had been sitting on his chest ever since he saw you getting inside the er for your first shift at ptmc. you walked in looking exhausted and wearing a pair of sweats alongside a long-sleeved dark purple shirt, the same color of the tank top you had worn all those years before and also the same color of the dress you were wearing tonight
yeah, he was definitely fucked
he was standing by the bar nursing a glass of whiskey while watching you talk with one of the donors when adamson walked to stand next to him, “seeing something nice?”
jack hummed, “who would’ve thought you’d successfully make me come to one of these things?”
adamson huffed, “as if you were a man that could be convinced of doing something.” he popped one almond in his mouth, “we both know why you’re here” he tipped his head towards where you were standing, laughing at something one of the other doctors had said. jack could only throw his drink back, drinking the rest of it
“i have no idea what you are talking about” he shrugged, looking at you making your way towards them, a smile creeping up on his face
“good evening, gentlemen.” you smiled at them, seeing adamson let out a chuckle, “what’s so funny?”
“nothing,” he shrugged, “this just brings back some fond memories.” he paused, “if you’d excuse me, i see some good friends of mine over there”
“go ahead, we’ll see you in a bit” you gave him a wink and a soft pat on the shoulder. you turned to jack, “oh my god, the resemblance is uncanny” you shuddered, “so, what has been going on? fill me in on everything!” he smiled at you but didn’t say anything, “what?”
he shook his head, “nothing,” the starting melody of a slow song started playing and he offered you his hand, “care to dance with me, ma’am?”
“why not, sir?” you smiled and grabbed his hand, walking to the middle of the room to dance around the other doctors in the room
you grabbed his hands and moved them down to your waist, winking at him before wrapping your arms around his neck so the both of you could continue swaying to the rhythm of the song and, despite your better efforts, you couldn’t stop the memories of your and mark’s wedding
you suddenly pulled back, seeing the confused look on jack’s face. “you okay?”
you shook your head, feeling your eyes sting. “no—yes, i’m fine.” you paused, “i just need a bit of air. i’ll be right back”
you walked out of the room, leaving jack alone in the middle of the dance floor
he was confused but chose not to go after you, if you had left him there you must have a good enough reason why
the night chill bit you as soon as you made your way out of the hotel and to the parking lot. you sighed, “what the hell am i doing?”
“i have an answer for that question” you jumped a bit when you heard someone talking behind you, “nobody knows what they’re doing half the time”
“you scared me” you rubbed your chest, “you can’t sneak up on people like that”
“neither is leaving one’s date in the middle of the dance floor”
you shook your head, “he’s not my date, though.” you scrunched your nose, getting a cigarette box and a lighter out of your dress pocket, tilting the box towards him you asked, “want one?”
“since when do you smoke?” he asked back
“i don’t smoke,” you pulled one out, placing it between your lips and lighting it. “not really. it’s just some—uh, casual smoking” you winked at him, blowing out the smoke
“casual smoking doesn’t really exist, sloan” you shook your head with a smile, “but whatever, you’re a highly intelligent doctor so you know the risks”
you shrugged, “yeah.” you took another drag of the cigarette in your hand, “am i a bad person?”
“why do you ask that?”
“i don’t know” you had a sad smile on your face, “i feel like i am.” you turned your head to look at him, stomping on the cigarette to put it out, “i wanna ask you something, but it’s, uh, a very personal question”
“go ahead”
“were you ever married?” you saw a sad smile creeping up on his face
“yes, i was.” you turned to you, “she was the love of my life, we were married for over fifty-five years.” you nodded, looking down at your shoes. “it almost killed me when she died.” you looked up with a saddened expression, “cancer”
“i’m so sorry” you put your hand on his shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze
“it’s okay,” he had a sad smile on his face, softly squeezing your hand on his shoulder. “she didn’t suffer, and she died surrounded by people who loved her” he sighed, “i never found love again but—i know it’s possible. i know it’s possible for you and i know it’s possible for jack.” your eyes were filled with tears, “did you know he lost his wife years ago?”
“he mentioned it once,” he looked at you, “we got drunk after ellie fell asleep. he was considerably drunker than me,” you huffed out a laugh, “and he just, started talking about her” you shook your head with a smile, “honestly, it felt like hearing me talk about mark, it’s painfully obvious he loves her”
“and it’s painfully obvious he also loves you” you bit your lip and shut your eyes closed to avoid crying as adamson walked back inside, leaving you alone leaning against the side of a car
“what am i doing?” you rubbed your forehead, letting out a deep breath
“i was beginning to think you’d left me in there with all those boring people” you heard jack’s voice behind you
“for fucks sake” you jumped again, hand on your chest. “you people have to stop sneaking up on me, it’s gonna make me have a fucking heart attack and die”
“what, and cigarettes won’t?” he asked you with a teasing smile and you shot a warning glance at him. “okay,” he put his hands up, “won’t mention it again”
you shook your head, biting back a smile. “sorry about that,” you pursed your lips, “the whole leaving you alone thing. you weren’t alone, though” you wiggled your eyebrows, “what about dr davis?”
you both chuckled, “nah, she’s an old friend” you raised an eyebrow with a teasing smile, “we went to med school together”
“oh, i know who to go to for embarrassing college stories” your smile grew, “you having fun?”
“i’d have more fun if you hadn’t left me alone.” he answered with a teasing tone, “wanna tell me why?”
you scrunched your nose, “sorry again” you mumbled, “it just—it brought back some memories, that’s all”
he grabbed your hand and squeezed it, “it’s okay. wanna go back inside for a drink?”
you smiled softly, “how about we get out of here? i’m starving”
he nodded, “i know the perfect place” he pulled you to his side by your hand, “come on, let’s go”
“i have to admit, this burger is delicious” you cleaned the corners of your mouth with one of the napkins in front of you
“i love being right” he mumbled with a half-full mouth
“you’re disgusting.” you chuckled, “stop talking with a full mouth” you both laughed, finishing the rest of your food, “i’ll be right back, i have to go pee”
you walked into the diner’s bathroom, and after you finished, you washed your hands and checked your phone
lady d - 3 new messages
grey sloan badass docs [group chat] - 15 new messages
“you have got to be kidding me!” you excitedly said into the phone as you read the email with the invitation for alex and jo’s wedding
‘yeah, we’re not’ alex answered and jo excitedly laughed, showing you the ring
“oh my god, alex! it’s beautiful” you smiled, “i’m so happy for you guys!”
‘please tell me ellie and you’ll be here’ jo pleaded and you faked a thinking expression before smiling and nodding, ‘oh my god, yes! thank you so much’ she squealed, ‘you have to send me ellie’s sizes, zola, sofia and she will make the prettiest flower girls!’ she clapped very excited, ‘look, i gotta go, but–call me soon’ she blew you a kiss before walking away
‘look, you can bring a plus one’ alex said softly, ‘maybe that doctor that works with you over there’
“alex!” you exclaimed, looking side by side. “lower your voice!”
‘you lower your phone volume!’ he rolled his eyes, ‘look, do whatever you want just—you have to be here’
“i will” you smiled, “i wouldn’t miss it for the world”
‘bring your friend’ he smiled, ‘god knows you’ll need the company, you’ve missed a lot of things’
“like what?” you asked
‘amelia and hunt have children now’
“they what!?”
‘yeah, hunt is fostering a kid and amelia is sponsoring his mother.’ he shrugged, ‘it’s a lot, but it’s probably the first time i’ve seen hunt so level headed’
“damn”
‘i also was very high when they first got the kid’ he chuckled, ‘that’s an awesome story. look i gotta go, but call me to rsvp or whatever’
“wait, alex—he hung up on me” you sighed, “whatever”
you walked out of the break room, seeing the slow flow of patients. “finally, the cutest doctor finishes her phone call” she teased you without looking up from her tablet
“you know it, lena. gotta take advantage of company time to chit chat with family” you winked at her, taking the pen from her scrub pocket, “what’ve you got?”
“concussed kid in central five, pregnant woman with abdominal pain in central six, central seven and eight are free, both trauma rooms are empty, and triage is s-word” she listed off her head
“basically, a beautiful start of a shift” you smiled, scrunching your nose, “i’ll go upstairs, but call me if anything comes through those doors”
“wanna know my favorite case from last night?” you asked and dana nodded, “woman vs bat”
“what do you mean bat?” she looked up from her computer with a confused expression
“baseball bat” you nodded and you two broke into laughter a few seconds later, “it was crazy. the poor woman went to a batting cage as a date and ended up with an exploded bat on her abdomen”
“what?”
“exactly.” you drank from your water bottle, “i mean, the guy kinda explained that the batter was jammed but it doesn’t make sense to me how the whole thing went down” you shrugged “the surgery was amazing, though”
“bottom line, it was a crazy night” she sighed, “i wonder what the day has for us”
you fixed your bag on your shoulder, “don’t know, lady d. i just wish you all the luck in the world.” you saw jack walking out of the locker’s hallway, “i gotta go. i’ll see you at shift change” you blew her a kiss, “love you, d” she nodded, winking at you
“hey, rabbit” you walked up to him
“i see you’re stepping up on the nickname game” he smiled at you, throwing his arm around your shoulders
you chuckled, “sorry, ellie called you jack rabbit a couple days ago. it just slipped out”
“i like it,” he smiled, “so, what are you up to? i thought you’d be home by now”
you stopped walking, standing in front of him, “i got a wedding invite from one of my friends back in seattle,” you sighed and put your hands in your pockets, “and they might’ve mentioned taking you with me.” he looked surprised, “i know. the only one you’ve actually met is jackson, this is not his wedding,” you clarified, “he’s actually divorced and his ex-wife is also one of my best friends and i am rambling” you let go of your bag strap and hid your face behind your hands
“bee,” he put his hands around your arms, “come on.” you peeked out of two of your fingers, “when’s this wedding?”
you lowered your hands, “in two weeks. you know, you don’t have to if–if you don’t want–”
“hey, no, bee.” his hands traveled up to hold your face, “i’d love to. when do we leave?”
“this is a bad idea. this is a terrible idea, dana” you threw your head back and huffed, “why did i invite him? i should’ve just told alex and jo he said no” you drank the rest of your wine
“this might be the best idea you’ve ever had, sloan.” she sipped her wine with a smile on her face, “besides, he agreed on the spot so, why do you think it’s a bad idea?”
“because, d. it just is,” you ran your hand down your face, “why did i think going to a wedding on the other side of the country with jack freaking abbot would be a good idea?” you groaned, “god, i panicked when we were dancing at the hospital gala because it brought back the memory of my wedding. what is an actual wedding going to bring back?”
“i think you’re overthinking it, honey” dana sat you down next to her, “i don’t think jack abbot would’ve said yes if he didn’t actually want to go with you. besides, didn’t you say it was your friend’s idea?”
“god, no!” you groaned again, getting up so you could start pacing around the room again. “this is dating territory. he’s meeting my friends! i can’t do this dana, i can’t. i’ll tell him the wedding got cancelled or something”
“you’re panicking for no reason”
“and you’re enjoying this way too much” you sat down again, “what am i going to do?”
“you are going to go to that wedding with el and jack, you’re going to have a great time with your friends back home, and you’re going to come back”
“you make it sound so simple”
“because it is, bee” she teased, sipping more of her wine and pouring more on your glass, “just go have fun, what’s the harm?”
“i can’t believe you’re here!” amelia hugged you so tight you felt like you couldn’t breathe, “who’s the hottie over there?”
“amelia!” you chuckled, “it’s so good to see you”
“yeah, it is.” she brushed you off, “now, answer the question”
you shook your head and smiled, “he’s a work friend”
“how much of a friend are we talking about?” she asked with a teasing tone
“amelia!” you softly slapped her shoulder, “come on, i’ll introduce you. but, you’ve gotta tell me about your strange love life and living arrangements after”
“deal” she smiled and grabbed your hand, pulling you with her to the small bar, where jack was standing
“rabbit,” he turned around, “bee”
“so cute, animal nicknames.” amelia teased, “amelia shepherd, nice to meet you” she held out her hand
“jack abbot” he shook her hand, “nice to meet you, too.”
you heard someone call your name from the other side of the venue. you turned around and saw two girls running up to where you were standing, “oh, my girls” you leaned down to their height, “you’re so grown, how have i missed you”
“we’ve missed you two, auntie bee” zola said and you hugged them tighter than before
“where’s my baby sister?” sofia asked
“she’s over there,” you pointed at the dessert table, “stealing some brownies for me and her. go over there and help her”
“okay!” they said in unison and jogged over there
“you’re here!” you heard april’s voice near you
“of course i’m here” you hugged her, “you look so pretty, apes. where’s my baby?”
“harriet’s with ruby and matthew’s parents” she smiled, holding your hands in hers, “i haven’t seen el, where is she?”
“she’s running around with the rest of the kids. oh,” you turned and pulled jack to your side, “this jack abbot. jack this is april kepner, harriet’s mom”
“oh, it’s so nice to meet you. you have a beautiful baby” he shook her hand with a smile
“he met her when jackson took her to pittsburgh for ellie’s birthday” you gave her a soft smile
april nodded, looking over your shoulders to where the wedding planner was yelling at someone, “sorry guys, enjoy–i’ll be right back”
“so, you freak out yet?” you bumped his hip with yours
“what are you talking about?” he chuckled, “we’ve been here less than an hour and a lot has happened, this is the most fun we’ve ever had”
“is this the weirdest wedding you’ve ever been to or is there another one that takes the crown?” you sat down next to jack. truth is, you were happy, and even though nothing had gone according to april’s plan, you could see that jo and alex couldn’t be happier
“i will have to think about it” he looked at you as if he was actually thinking if he had ever been to a weirder wedding or not, “i’m having fun, actually.” he smiled, “you guys have a lot of weird things happen to you, but you still take it like champs and try to see the good side”
you laughed, “did you know that we used to call the hospital seattle grace-mercy death for a while after the shooting and also after the plane crash?” you turned to look out to the sky, “because, you know, everyone eventually died”
“i’m glad you didn’t, i wouldn’t have met you.” you softly hit his shoulder, “what? it’s the truth”
“i’m glad i met you too, rabbit” you pressed a kiss on his cheek, “come on,” you saw maggie waving at you to go over there, “mag’s calling us”
“okay, so,” she sighed, “mer got ordained on the internet. yeah, it’s weird how many things you can do on your phone, whatever, point is, she’s gonna get those two married and then we can go to jackson’s place and celebrate”
“sounds good to me. what about the kids?” you asked her
“mer said the sitter will be waiting at home and i’m sure you can drop ellie off with them and go back to jackson’s” you nodded
“you know what? hell, yeah. i need a good drinking night with the coolest doctors i know,” you turned to jack, “no offense”
“none taken” he squeezed your hand, “we should go over there, she’s telling everyone to get closer”
the three of you walked over to stand next to amelia and hunt, you quickly squeezed her hand and fully turned towards mer, alex, and jo to finally see them get married
“for the longest time, ferryboats made me sad.” meredith started, a big smile on her face, “but from now on i’ll look at them the way my husband did. i will see the beauty, i will see the wind, the air, the sea, the motion.” you felt jack’s arm around your shoulder so you leaned back, your back to his chest, “i will see the possibility because of the two of you. i have never seen two people bring out better in each other. and if the two of you can take this day and turn it into lemonade,” everyone chuckled, “then you can do anything.” she took a deep breath, “so, alex karev, do you want to marry jo wilson?”
“i do.” alex nodded, the biggest smile you had ever seen on his face, and put the ring on her finger
“jo wilson, do you want to marry alex karev?”
“i super do” she smiled, putting the ring on his finger
“by the power vested in me by the internet, i now pronounce you married. you may kiss the bride.”
everyone clapped and cheered seeing alex and jo share their first kiss as a couple and you felt tears running down your face
“yeah, this is definitely the weirdest wedding i’ve ever been to” you laughed at jack’s words
“i am so hungover” you mumbled under your breath, forehead pressed down against the table, “i’m never drinking again”
“here you go, bee” you felt jack’s hand rubbing up and down your back, when you looked up you saw him offering you a cup of coffee
“thank you” you sipped the coffee and hummed at the taste, “i am never drinking again”
“you said that twice”
“shhh,” you put your index finger against his lips, “don’t talk too loud”
“bee, come on, open your eyes” he ran a hand through your hair and you shook your head. “well, at least take these pills and drink your coffee, we gotta go pick up ellie from your friend’s”
“lower your voice” you popped in the pills and passed them with the coffee, “mer can take care of ellie—oh no, mer has to work today” you groaned, “can you pick her up? i’ll go to the hospital so i can get a banana bag”
“okay, bee” he nodded, pressing a kiss on the top of your head, “go change, i’ll take you.” you nodded softly before getting up
the drive over to the hospital felt endless and when you walked in you were greeted with a half-full er and a lot of new faces
“hello, miss. my name is dr helm—”
“helmouth, i remember you from alex’s wedding—yesterday” you mumbled, “i need a banana bag, i—uhg, i’m very hungover” you hid your eyes with your hand, “and i have to leave soon”
“don’t worry, your boyfriend already picked your daughter up” mer’s voice made you snap open your eyes, “i like him, he brought me coffee and brought the kids some muffins” she smiled, “helm, please bring me an iv kit and a banana bag” the blonde nodded and opened and closed her mouth like she wanted to say something but ultimately decided not to and walked away
you chuckled softly, “he’s not my boyfriend, but he’s pretty good”
“bee, if you don’t make him your boyfriend, i’ll set him up with someone else. maybe even me” she raised her eyebrows and had a teasing smile on her face, “thanks, helm” she said, taking the kit from her hands, “for whatever’s worth, he seems like a great guy, and you deserve that” she patted your thigh, “page me when the iv bag is empty” you nodded and she walked off with helm for another case
you sighed and closed your eyes, letting out a huff. you decided to check your phone and saw a picture of jack having breakfast with ellie, a big smile on both their faces. you couldn’t help the smile that was growing on your face at the thought that you could get used to that
“hey, d” you smiled, opening your door, “thank you for coming, how are you doing?”
she hugged you, “always, sweetie. it’s sad lena couldn’t make it”
“yeah, she said something about having to go to dinner with her mother-in-law” you chuckled, “she said that with an eye roll”
dana chuckled and sat down at your kitchen table, “yeah, tell me about it.” you offered her a beer and she nodded, “thanks.” she took the first sip of the beer in her hand, “did you meet the new fellows?”
you nodded, “yeah,” you sipped your beer, “dr emery walsh is—interesting.” you chuckled, “she reminds me of an old friend, she seems cool”
you placed a peanut bowl on the table, “i met her a week ago, you know,” dana grabbed a peanut, “when you were in your little romantic escapade with a certain night attending”
you shook your head, drinking more beer, “not you too, d” you saw her expression and sighed, “my friends were bothering me endlessly about him, and how he is with me and my daughter”
“speaking of her, where is ellie?”
“she’s at a friend’s house” you smiled, “one of the girls at school is having a movie night at her house and they seem to be good friends, probably is the first friend ellie has made,” she looked a little hurt, “i mean friends her own age. it’s one thing having friends that are your age and another one to have ones that are your mom’s age”
dana chuckled, “i remember when my kids started school and made their first friends,” she sipped her beer, “it feels like it was yesterday” she sighed and sat up straight, “now, tell me everything. how was the wedding?”
“it was weird.” you saw the question in her face, “not a bad weird, a normal for me weird” you sighed, “the wedding planner had an allergic reaction to something she ate, the gps link was wrong and sent everyone else to the wrong place, the bride and groom went missing for a long while, and the ceremony ended up being aboard a ferry boat” you sipped the last of your beer, “that is the kinda weird i’m used to. at least the after party was at my friend jackson’s place and he footed the bill, so i got insanely drunk and ended up in the er for a banana bag the next day”
“you really know how to have fun, don’t you?” she chuckled, drinking the last of her beer
“i sure hope so,” you opened two new beers, placing one in front of her. “i was a hardcore party girl all throughout my residency up until the moment i got pregnant”
“i wouldn’t have guessed that considering your extensive resume”
you chuckled, “i have multiple facets, dana dearest”
“i can see that” she shook her head, “so, how was everything with jack?”
“he was great, he’s always great. i hate him–” you rambled and sat with a leg up, your knee against your chest
“–no, you don’t.” dana interrupted you, “you have feelings for him”
your face fell and you were taken aback, “what?”
“you have feelings for him.” she lowered her beer and took your hands on hers, “and i’m willing to bet you fully realized it when you were at the wedding” your eyes filled with tears at her words, “no, honey. i–don’t cry”
“i’m sorry, d. you’re right” you bit your lips to try to avoid crying, “it’s just that,” you took a deep breath, “i think i’m in love with jack,” she smiled knowingly, “and i feel so—guilty. for years all i’ve wanted is for mark to come back. to wake up one day and realize that it was all just a fucking nightmare, that it wasn’t real, that he wasn’t a coward,” you let out a dry chuckle, “because that is what he was, a fucking coward. he left me alone,” you licked your lips before continuing, “he died and left me all alone. and now i feel so guilty about falling in love with jack, because it feels like i am leaving mark behind”
“but you’re not, honey.” she softly wiped the tears from your cheeks, “no matter what, he will always be your husband”
“i just feel so guilty.” you started crying again, “i ca-i can’t do this dana, i can’t give jack what he wants”
“you can.” she held your face on her hands, softly rubbing your cheek with her thumb, “because it is also what you want”
it was one of those rare slow and kind of quiet nights that the pitt handed you on a silver platter. you had talked to lindsey, the surgical floor night shift charge nurse, telling her you needed to step out for a second and to call you immediately if anything was wrong with any of your patients. she just smiled at you, softly squeezing your hand to let you know everything would be okay
the night chill bit through your scrubs and undershirt. it was almost the beginning of september–and fall time for that matter–and the late summertime weather at night was chilly enough to seep under your clothes and make you shiver
you appreciated being alone up on the roof, it helped you to have a clear enough head so you could be able to think about how your life had drastically changed in the past six years; your marriage, lexie’s and mark’s deaths, your daughter’s birth, owning part of a hospital, doing two fellowships at the same time, moving to the other side of the country, and falling in love again
thinking about everything made you feel like you were going to puke. you sighed, running your hands through your face and hair, and put your hands on the trail, eyes squeezed shut. “i thought the roof was strictly for late night burritos” you didn’t say anything and kept looking out to the city, “or maybe burgers, even some milkshakes–”
“–can you please not,” you let out a deep breath, “not now, please”
“bee, what’s wrong?”
“what are you doing here?”
“i asked lindsey and she told me you were here” he walked up to stand next to you, “are you okay?”
“yes. no. i don’t know” you sighed and paused, “i lost a patient tonight,” you shrugged, “so i’ve had better nights before. and a lot has happened to me in these past years,” you chuckled, “i don’t know, it’s a lot” you huffed out a breath, “what about you? what brings you to this fine place tonight?” you turned around, pressing your back against the railing
“downstairs is kinda slow, it seems people are pretty healthy and at home for once” he shrugged, “so i went up to ask if you wanted to grab something to eat but you weren’t there. and then lindsey told me you came up here” he stopped and shrugged, hands inside his pockets
“thank you”
“no problem, bee” he winked at you and you smiled, you opened and closed your mouth as if you wanted to say something but chose not to when your phone started to sound like crazy
you pulled it out of your scrub pocket, seeing lindsey’s name adorning your screen, “yeah?” you sighed, “okay, i’ll be right back down”
“everything okay?”
“yeah, it’s—uhm, one of my patients is awake and asking for the doctor” you had a small smile on your face, “see you later?” he nodded and you started walking to the roof’s door. you paused and truly considered what you were about to do. after you let out a huff, you turned right back around and walked back to where jack was standing
“what’s wrong, bee?” you saw his confused expression and took the chance, taking his scrub top in your hands to pull him in for a kiss
he was frozen in place, not believing what was happening, but snapped out of it to pull you in closer by your hips, reciprocating the kiss. your lips danced together for what felt like eternity and when you finally pulled back, you pressed your forehead against his and mumbled against his lips with a smile on your face. “i’ll see you later, rabbit”
you start to wonder if you’re ready for a second chance at love
wc: 6.3k
cw: hospital gala situation, jolex wedding!! therefore grey’s people cameo and dialogue usage from that episode, realizations, two idiots in love istg they just don’t say it, and, as always, doctor talk that may not be accurate
“i feel ridiculous,” you stared at yourself in the mirror. the store was almost empty, which wasn’t surprising since it was eleven in the morning
“you look good,” dana chimed in from the sofa she was sitting on next to lena, her usually tied hair falling loose down to her shoulders
“i look ridiculous, dana” you turned to her
“you don’t.” she rolled her eyes, “but maybe yellow shouldn’t be your main option”
you smoothed down your dress, “right?” you turned to the side, checking the dress’ cut on you. “don’t really think this cut is either.”
“i’ll go find you some other dresses. i’ll be right back” she winked at you, walking away to the other side of the store to find you some other options
“so,” lena started, looking up from her phone, “do you have a date for this little soirée, or is this an alone kind of event?”
you rolled your eyes affectionately, “come on, lena. just because jack and i are going together doesn’t mean it’s a date” you put your hands on your hips, a small smile on your face, “this is a work event, and we’re just friends”
“yeah, right.” she sighed, “it’s funny to me how much the board is taking advantage of the fact you’re a part hospital owner, it kinda attracts donors”
you laughed, shaking your head. “i also happen to be an excellent doctor, thank you very much”
“you also are a very beautiful, single woman who has a perfectly eligible, single man as her date, even if it’s for a work event” she winked at you just as dana walked to you with four different dresses for you to try
“oh, i like that green one” lena pointed at the second dress but your eyes drifted immediately to the dark purple one dana was holding
“i knew that dress would be the one” dana whistled at you when you walked out of your room, rollers still on your head
“i have you to thank for it” you modeled the dress for her and ellie, who was sitting on the couch with the biggest smile on her face
“you look really pretty, mommy.” your heart warmed at her words, “like the prettiest princess in the whole world”
“thank you, baby” you blew her a kiss, “be good for auntie dana, okay?” she nodded, “i’ll go in a bit, so make sure to brush your teeth before going to bed, okay?” she nodded again
the doorbell rang and ellie got up, “i’ll get it” she walked over to open the door where jack was standing, checking his watch, “hey, jack! i like your suit”
“oh, hey, baby bug” he leaned down to take her up in his arms, “is your mom ready yet?”
ellie scrunched her nose, “not really, she has some weird thing in her hair”
“they’re called rollers, baby bug” you said softly as you finished taking off the rollers so your hair could fall around your face in a perfectly styled blow-out. “someday you’ll learn how to use them” you walked over to them and pressed a kiss to her cheek before doing the same to jack, “hey, you. you’re early”
“i’m not,” he chuckled, giving you a side hug, “i’m right on time.” he checked his watch, “actually, we’re going to be late” he put ellie down so she could walk to her room, “you look really good”
you felt your face grow hot, “thanks.” you took a step forward, getting even closer to him than before so you could fix his jacket. after you did, you softly ran your hands down to his chest and you noticed how his neck slowly got redder by the second, “you also clean up really nice.” you smiled at him, patting softly at his chest before stepping back. you cleared your throat before adding, “i’ll go grab my purse so we can leave”
you walked into your room and dana took the chance to walk towards him, “so, when are you finally gonna ask her out?” she raised her eyebrows, “i got big money on that happening anytime this month”
he let out a dry chuckle, “trust me, she doesn’t see me that way”
dana shook her head with a smile on her face, “you are so blind, jack abbot. get your head out of your ass”
you walked out of your room, fully ready, and said, “ready to go?”
jack nodded, without being able to get a word out. dana, standing besides him, leaned to the side, whispering in his ear, “you are so fucked”
dana evans was many things, a kind woman, an excellent mother, a great cook, and one of the best, if not the best, nurse jack abbot had ever met
also, unfortunately for him, she managed to always be right
jack was in fact very freaking fucked. he suspected it the first time he saw you back when he was sent on that forced vacation and you moving to pittsburgh had only made it completely clear. he felt a pull towards you, like an invisible string tied around your hearts tugging you closer and closer until it inevitably brought you two together
he remembered the first time he saw you clear as day. he saw you in a hotel bar, you were wearing a dark purple tank top and a long white skirt, a fruity drink in your hand. you were laughing hard at some entertainment performance they had on the tiny stage
that feeling had been sitting on his chest ever since he saw you getting inside the er for your first shift at ptmc. you walked in looking exhausted and wearing a pair of sweats alongside a long-sleeved dark purple shirt, the same color of the tank top you had worn all those years before and also the same color of the dress you were wearing tonight
yeah, he was definitely fucked
he was standing by the bar nursing a glass of whiskey while watching you talk with one of the donors when adamson walked to stand next to him, “seeing something nice?”
jack hummed, “who would’ve thought you’d successfully make me come to one of these things?”
adamson huffed, “as if you were a man that could be convinced of doing something.” he popped one almond in his mouth, “we both know why you’re here” he tipped his head towards where you were standing, laughing at something one of the other doctors had said. jack could only throw his drink back, drinking the rest of it
“i have no idea what you are talking about” he shrugged, looking at you making your way towards them, a smile creeping up on his face
“good evening, gentlemen.” you smiled at them, seeing adamson let out a chuckle, “what’s so funny?”
“nothing,” he shrugged, “this just brings back some fond memories.” he paused, “if you’d excuse me, i see some good friends of mine over there”
“go ahead, we’ll see you in a bit” you gave him a wink and a soft pat on the shoulder. you turned to jack, “oh my god, the resemblance is uncanny” you shuddered, “so, what has been going on? fill me in on everything!” he smiled at you but didn’t say anything, “what?”
he shook his head, “nothing,” the starting melody of a slow song started playing and he offered you his hand, “care to dance with me, ma’am?”
“why not, sir?” you smiled and grabbed his hand, walking to the middle of the room to dance around the other doctors in the room
you grabbed his hands and moved them down to your waist, winking at him before wrapping your arms around his neck so the both of you could continue swaying to the rhythm of the song and, despite your better efforts, you couldn’t stop the memories of your and mark’s wedding
you suddenly pulled back, seeing the confused look on jack’s face. “you okay?”
you shook your head, feeling your eyes sting. “no—yes, i’m fine.” you paused, “i just need a bit of air. i’ll be right back”
you walked out of the room, leaving jack alone in the middle of the dance floor
he was confused but chose not to go after you, if you had left him there you must have a good enough reason why
the night chill bit you as soon as you made your way out of the hotel and to the parking lot. you sighed, “what the hell am i doing?”
“i have an answer for that question” you jumped a bit when you heard someone talking behind you, “nobody knows what they’re doing half the time”
“you scared me” you rubbed your chest, “you can’t sneak up on people like that”
“neither is leaving one’s date in the middle of the dance floor”
you shook your head, “he’s not my date, though.” you scrunched your nose, getting a cigarette box and a lighter out of your dress pocket, tilting the box towards him you asked, “want one?”
“since when do you smoke?” he asked back
“i don’t smoke,” you pulled one out, placing it between your lips and lighting it. “not really. it’s just some—uh, casual smoking” you winked at him, blowing out the smoke
“casual smoking doesn’t really exist, sloan” you shook your head with a smile, “but whatever, you’re a highly intelligent doctor so you know the risks”
you shrugged, “yeah.” you took another drag of the cigarette in your hand, “am i a bad person?”
“why do you ask that?”
“i don’t know” you had a sad smile on your face, “i feel like i am.” you turned your head to look at him, stomping on the cigarette to put it out, “i wanna ask you something, but it’s, uh, a very personal question”
“go ahead”
“were you ever married?” you saw a sad smile creeping up on his face
“yes, i was.” you turned to you, “she was the love of my life, we were married for over fifty-five years.” you nodded, looking down at your shoes. “it almost killed me when she died.” you looked up with a saddened expression, “cancer”
“i’m so sorry” you put your hand on his shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze
“it’s okay,” he had a sad smile on his face, softly squeezing your hand on his shoulder. “she didn’t suffer, and she died surrounded by people who loved her” he sighed, “i never found love again but—i know it’s possible. i know it’s possible for you and i know it’s possible for jack.” your eyes were filled with tears, “did you know he lost his wife years ago?”
“he mentioned it once,” he looked at you, “we got drunk after ellie fell asleep. he was considerably drunker than me,” you huffed out a laugh, “and he just, started talking about her” you shook your head with a smile, “honestly, it felt like hearing me talk about mark, it’s painfully obvious he loves her”
“and it’s painfully obvious he also loves you” you bit your lip and shut your eyes closed to avoid crying as adamson walked back inside, leaving you alone leaning against the side of a car
“what am i doing?” you rubbed your forehead, letting out a deep breath
“i was beginning to think you’d left me in there with all those boring people” you heard jack’s voice behind you
“for fucks sake” you jumped again, hand on your chest. “you people have to stop sneaking up on me, it’s gonna make me have a fucking heart attack and die”
“what, and cigarettes won’t?” he asked you with a teasing smile and you shot a warning glance at him. “okay,” he put his hands up, “won’t mention it again”
you shook your head, biting back a smile. “sorry about that,” you pursed your lips, “the whole leaving you alone thing. you weren’t alone, though” you wiggled your eyebrows, “what about dr davis?”
you both chuckled, “nah, she’s an old friend” you raised an eyebrow with a teasing smile, “we went to med school together”
“oh, i know who to go to for embarrassing college stories” your smile grew, “you having fun?”
“i’d have more fun if you hadn’t left me alone.” he answered with a teasing tone, “wanna tell me why?”
you scrunched your nose, “sorry again” you mumbled, “it just—it brought back some memories, that’s all”
he grabbed your hand and squeezed it, “it’s okay. wanna go back inside for a drink?”
you smiled softly, “how about we get out of here? i’m starving”
he nodded, “i know the perfect place” he pulled you to his side by your hand, “come on, let’s go”
“i have to admit, this burger is delicious” you cleaned the corners of your mouth with one of the napkins in front of you
“i love being right” he mumbled with a half-full mouth
“you’re disgusting.” you chuckled, “stop talking with a full mouth” you both laughed, finishing the rest of your food, “i’ll be right back, i have to go pee”
you walked into the diner’s bathroom, and after you finished, you washed your hands and checked your phone
lady d - 3 new messages
grey sloan badass docs [group chat] - 15 new messages
“you have got to be kidding me!” you excitedly said into the phone as you read the email with the invitation for alex and jo’s wedding
‘yeah, we’re not’ alex answered and jo excitedly laughed, showing you the ring
“oh my god, alex! it’s beautiful” you smiled, “i’m so happy for you guys!”
‘please tell me ellie and you’ll be here’ jo pleaded and you faked a thinking expression before smiling and nodding, ‘oh my god, yes! thank you so much’ she squealed, ‘you have to send me ellie’s sizes, zola, sofia and she will make the prettiest flower girls!’ she clapped very excited, ‘look, i gotta go, but–call me soon’ she blew you a kiss before walking away
‘look, you can bring a plus one’ alex said softly, ‘maybe that doctor that works with you over there’
“alex!” you exclaimed, looking side by side. “lower your voice!”
‘you lower your phone volume!’ he rolled his eyes, ‘look, do whatever you want just—you have to be here’
“i will” you smiled, “i wouldn’t miss it for the world”
‘bring your friend’ he smiled, ‘god knows you’ll need the company, you’ve missed a lot of things’
“like what?” you asked
‘amelia and hunt have children now’
“they what!?”
‘yeah, hunt is fostering a kid and amelia is sponsoring his mother.’ he shrugged, ‘it’s a lot, but it’s probably the first time i’ve seen hunt so level headed’
“damn”
‘i also was very high when they first got the kid’ he chuckled, ‘that’s an awesome story. look i gotta go, but call me to rsvp or whatever’
“wait, alex—he hung up on me” you sighed, “whatever”
you walked out of the break room, seeing the slow flow of patients. “finally, the cutest doctor finishes her phone call” she teased you without looking up from her tablet
“you know it, lena. gotta take advantage of company time to chit chat with family” you winked at her, taking the pen from her scrub pocket, “what’ve you got?”
“concussed kid in central five, pregnant woman with abdominal pain in central six, central seven and eight are free, both trauma rooms are empty, and triage is s-word” she listed off her head
“basically, a beautiful start of a shift” you smiled, scrunching your nose, “i’ll go upstairs, but call me if anything comes through those doors”
“wanna know my favorite case from last night?” you asked and dana nodded, “woman vs bat”
“what do you mean bat?” she looked up from her computer with a confused expression
“baseball bat” you nodded and you two broke into laughter a few seconds later, “it was crazy. the poor woman went to a batting cage as a date and ended up with an exploded bat on her abdomen”
“what?”
“exactly.” you drank from your water bottle, “i mean, the guy kinda explained that the batter was jammed but it doesn’t make sense to me how the whole thing went down” you shrugged “the surgery was amazing, though”
“bottom line, it was a crazy night” she sighed, “i wonder what the day has for us”
you fixed your bag on your shoulder, “don’t know, lady d. i just wish you all the luck in the world.” you saw jack walking out of the locker’s hallway, “i gotta go. i’ll see you at shift change” you blew her a kiss, “love you, d” she nodded, winking at you
“hey, rabbit” you walked up to him
“i see you’re stepping up on the nickname game” he smiled at you, throwing his arm around your shoulders
you chuckled, “sorry, ellie called you jack rabbit a couple days ago. it just slipped out”
“i like it,” he smiled, “so, what are you up to? i thought you’d be home by now”
you stopped walking, standing in front of him, “i got a wedding invite from one of my friends back in seattle,” you sighed and put your hands in your pockets, “and they might’ve mentioned taking you with me.” he looked surprised, “i know. the only one you’ve actually met is jackson, this is not his wedding,” you clarified, “he’s actually divorced and his ex-wife is also one of my best friends and i am rambling” you let go of your bag strap and hid your face behind your hands
“bee,” he put his hands around your arms, “come on.” you peeked out of two of your fingers, “when’s this wedding?”
you lowered your hands, “in two weeks. you know, you don’t have to if–if you don’t want–”
“hey, no, bee.” his hands traveled up to hold your face, “i’d love to. when do we leave?”
“this is a bad idea. this is a terrible idea, dana” you threw your head back and huffed, “why did i invite him? i should’ve just told alex and jo he said no” you drank the rest of your wine
“this might be the best idea you’ve ever had, sloan.” she sipped her wine with a smile on her face, “besides, he agreed on the spot so, why do you think it’s a bad idea?”
“because, d. it just is,” you ran your hand down your face, “why did i think going to a wedding on the other side of the country with jack freaking abbot would be a good idea?” you groaned, “god, i panicked when we were dancing at the hospital gala because it brought back the memory of my wedding. what is an actual wedding going to bring back?”
“i think you’re overthinking it, honey” dana sat you down next to her, “i don’t think jack abbot would’ve said yes if he didn’t actually want to go with you. besides, didn’t you say it was your friend’s idea?”
“god, no!” you groaned again, getting up so you could start pacing around the room again. “this is dating territory. he’s meeting my friends! i can’t do this dana, i can’t. i’ll tell him the wedding got cancelled or something”
“you’re panicking for no reason”
“and you’re enjoying this way too much” you sat down again, “what am i going to do?”
“you are going to go to that wedding with el and jack, you’re going to have a great time with your friends back home, and you’re going to come back”
“you make it sound so simple”
“because it is, bee” she teased, sipping more of her wine and pouring more on your glass, “just go have fun, what’s the harm?”
“i can’t believe you’re here!” amelia hugged you so tight you felt like you couldn’t breathe, “who’s the hottie over there?”
“amelia!” you chuckled, “it’s so good to see you”
“yeah, it is.” she brushed you off, “now, answer the question”
you shook your head and smiled, “he’s a work friend”
“how much of a friend are we talking about?” she asked with a teasing tone
“amelia!” you softly slapped her shoulder, “come on, i’ll introduce you. but, you’ve gotta tell me about your strange love life and living arrangements after”
“deal” she smiled and grabbed your hand, pulling you with her to the small bar, where jack was standing
“rabbit,” he turned around, “bee”
“so cute, animal nicknames.” amelia teased, “amelia shepherd, nice to meet you” she held out her hand
“jack abbot” he shook her hand, “nice to meet you, too.”
you heard someone call your name from the other side of the venue. you turned around and saw two girls running up to where you were standing, “oh, my girls” you leaned down to their height, “you’re so grown, how have i missed you”
“we’ve missed you two, auntie bee” zola said and you hugged them tighter than before
“where’s my baby sister?” sofia asked
“she’s over there,” you pointed at the dessert table, “stealing some brownies for me and her. go over there and help her”
“okay!” they said in unison and jogged over there
“you’re here!” you heard april’s voice near you
“of course i’m here” you hugged her, “you look so pretty, apes. where’s my baby?”
“harriet’s with ruby and matthew’s parents” she smiled, holding your hands in hers, “i haven’t seen el, where is she?”
“she’s running around with the rest of the kids. oh,” you turned and pulled jack to your side, “this jack abbot. jack this is april kepner, harriet’s mom”
“oh, it’s so nice to meet you. you have a beautiful baby” he shook her hand with a smile
“he met her when jackson took her to pittsburgh for ellie’s birthday” you gave her a soft smile
april nodded, looking over your shoulders to where the wedding planner was yelling at someone, “sorry guys, enjoy–i’ll be right back”
“so, you freak out yet?” you bumped his hip with yours
“what are you talking about?” he chuckled, “we’ve been here less than an hour and a lot has happened, this is the most fun we’ve ever had”
“is this the weirdest wedding you’ve ever been to or is there another one that takes the crown?” you sat down next to jack. truth is, you were happy, and even though nothing had gone according to april’s plan, you could see that jo and alex couldn’t be happier
“i will have to think about it” he looked at you as if he was actually thinking if he had ever been to a weirder wedding or not, “i’m having fun, actually.” he smiled, “you guys have a lot of weird things happen to you, but you still take it like champs and try to see the good side”
you laughed, “did you know that we used to call the hospital seattle grace-mercy death for a while after the shooting and also after the plane crash?” you turned to look out to the sky, “because, you know, everyone eventually died”
“i’m glad you didn’t, i wouldn’t have met you.” you softly hit his shoulder, “what? it’s the truth”
“i’m glad i met you too, rabbit” you pressed a kiss on his cheek, “come on,” you saw maggie waving at you to go over there, “mag’s calling us”
“okay, so,” she sighed, “mer got ordained on the internet. yeah, it’s weird how many things you can do on your phone, whatever, point is, she’s gonna get those two married and then we can go to jackson’s place and celebrate”
“sounds good to me. what about the kids?” you asked her
“mer said the sitter will be waiting at home and i’m sure you can drop ellie off with them and go back to jackson’s” you nodded
“you know what? hell, yeah. i need a good drinking night with the coolest doctors i know,” you turned to jack, “no offense”
“none taken” he squeezed your hand, “we should go over there, she’s telling everyone to get closer”
the three of you walked over to stand next to amelia and hunt, you quickly squeezed her hand and fully turned towards mer, alex, and jo to finally see them get married
“for the longest time, ferryboats made me sad.” meredith started, a big smile on her face, “but from now on i’ll look at them the way my husband did. i will see the beauty, i will see the wind, the air, the sea, the motion.” you felt jack’s arm around your shoulder so you leaned back, your back to his chest, “i will see the possibility because of the two of you. i have never seen two people bring out better in each other. and if the two of you can take this day and turn it into lemonade,” everyone chuckled, “then you can do anything.” she took a deep breath, “so, alex karev, do you want to marry jo wilson?”
“i do.” alex nodded, the biggest smile you had ever seen on his face, and put the ring on her finger
“jo wilson, do you want to marry alex karev?”
“i super do” she smiled, putting the ring on his finger
“by the power vested in me by the internet, i now pronounce you married. you may kiss the bride.”
everyone clapped and cheered seeing alex and jo share their first kiss as a couple and you felt tears running down your face
“yeah, this is definitely the weirdest wedding i’ve ever been to” you laughed at jack’s words
“i am so hungover” you mumbled under your breath, forehead pressed down against the table, “i’m never drinking again”
“here you go, bee” you felt jack’s hand rubbing up and down your back, when you looked up you saw him offering you a cup of coffee
“thank you” you sipped the coffee and hummed at the taste, “i am never drinking again”
“you said that twice”
“shhh,” you put your index finger against his lips, “don’t talk too loud”
“bee, come on, open your eyes” he ran a hand through your hair and you shook your head. “well, at least take these pills and drink your coffee, we gotta go pick up ellie from your friend’s”
“lower your voice” you popped in the pills and passed them with the coffee, “mer can take care of ellie—oh no, mer has to work today” you groaned, “can you pick her up? i’ll go to the hospital so i can get a banana bag”
“okay, bee” he nodded, pressing a kiss on the top of your head, “go change, i’ll take you.” you nodded softly before getting up
the drive over to the hospital felt endless and when you walked in you were greeted with a half-full er and a lot of new faces
“hello, miss. my name is dr helm—”
“helmouth, i remember you from alex’s wedding—yesterday” you mumbled, “i need a banana bag, i—uhg, i’m very hungover” you hid your eyes with your hand, “and i have to leave soon”
“don’t worry, your boyfriend already picked your daughter up” mer’s voice made you snap open your eyes, “i like him, he brought me coffee and brought the kids some muffins” she smiled, “helm, please bring me an iv kit and a banana bag” the blonde nodded and opened and closed her mouth like she wanted to say something but ultimately decided not to and walked away
you chuckled softly, “he’s not my boyfriend, but he’s pretty good”
“bee, if you don’t make him your boyfriend, i’ll set him up with someone else. maybe even me” she raised her eyebrows and had a teasing smile on her face, “thanks, helm” she said, taking the kit from her hands, “for whatever’s worth, he seems like a great guy, and you deserve that” she patted your thigh, “page me when the iv bag is empty” you nodded and she walked off with helm for another case
you sighed and closed your eyes, letting out a huff. you decided to check your phone and saw a picture of jack having breakfast with ellie, a big smile on both their faces. you couldn’t help the smile that was growing on your face at the thought that you could get used to that
“hey, d” you smiled, opening your door, “thank you for coming, how are you doing?”
she hugged you, “always, sweetie. it’s sad lena couldn’t make it”
“yeah, she said something about having to go to dinner with her mother-in-law” you chuckled, “she said that with an eye roll”
dana chuckled and sat down at your kitchen table, “yeah, tell me about it.” you offered her a beer and she nodded, “thanks.” she took the first sip of the beer in her hand, “did you meet the new fellows?”
you nodded, “yeah,” you sipped your beer, “dr emery walsh is—interesting.” you chuckled, “she reminds me of an old friend, she seems cool”
you placed a peanut bowl on the table, “i met her a week ago, you know,” dana grabbed a peanut, “when you were in your little romantic escapade with a certain night attending”
you shook your head, drinking more beer, “not you too, d” you saw her expression and sighed, “my friends were bothering me endlessly about him, and how he is with me and my daughter”
“speaking of her, where is ellie?”
“she’s at a friend’s house” you smiled, “one of the girls at school is having a movie night at her house and they seem to be good friends, probably is the first friend ellie has made,” she looked a little hurt, “i mean friends her own age. it’s one thing having friends that are your age and another one to have ones that are your mom’s age”
dana chuckled, “i remember when my kids started school and made their first friends,” she sipped her beer, “it feels like it was yesterday” she sighed and sat up straight, “now, tell me everything. how was the wedding?”
“it was weird.” you saw the question in her face, “not a bad weird, a normal for me weird” you sighed, “the wedding planner had an allergic reaction to something she ate, the gps link was wrong and sent everyone else to the wrong place, the bride and groom went missing for a long while, and the ceremony ended up being aboard a ferry boat” you sipped the last of your beer, “that is the kinda weird i’m used to. at least the after party was at my friend jackson’s place and he footed the bill, so i got insanely drunk and ended up in the er for a banana bag the next day”
“you really know how to have fun, don’t you?” she chuckled, drinking the last of her beer
“i sure hope so,” you opened two new beers, placing one in front of her. “i was a hardcore party girl all throughout my residency up until the moment i got pregnant”
“i wouldn’t have guessed that considering your extensive resume”
you chuckled, “i have multiple facets, dana dearest”
“i can see that” she shook her head, “so, how was everything with jack?”
“he was great, he’s always great. i hate him–” you rambled and sat with a leg up, your knee against your chest
“–no, you don’t.” dana interrupted you, “you have feelings for him”
your face fell and you were taken aback, “what?”
“you have feelings for him.” she lowered her beer and took your hands on hers, “and i’m willing to bet you fully realized it when you were at the wedding” your eyes filled with tears at her words, “no, honey. i–don’t cry”
“i’m sorry, d. you’re right” you bit your lips to try to avoid crying, “it’s just that,” you took a deep breath, “i think i’m in love with jack,” she smiled knowingly, “and i feel so—guilty. for years all i’ve wanted is for mark to come back. to wake up one day and realize that it was all just a fucking nightmare, that it wasn’t real, that he wasn’t a coward,” you let out a dry chuckle, “because that is what he was, a fucking coward. he left me alone,” you licked your lips before continuing, “he died and left me all alone. and now i feel so guilty about falling in love with jack, because it feels like i am leaving mark behind”
“but you’re not, honey.” she softly wiped the tears from your cheeks, “no matter what, he will always be your husband”
“i just feel so guilty.” you started crying again, “i ca-i can’t do this dana, i can’t give jack what he wants”
“you can.” she held your face on her hands, softly rubbing your cheek with her thumb, “because it is also what you want”
it was one of those rare slow and kind of quiet nights that the pitt handed you on a silver platter. you had talked to lindsey, the surgical floor night shift charge nurse, telling her you needed to step out for a second and to call you immediately if anything was wrong with any of your patients. she just smiled at you, softly squeezing your hand to let you know everything would be okay
the night chill bit through your scrubs and undershirt. it was almost the beginning of september–and fall time for that matter–and the late summertime weather at night was chilly enough to seep under your clothes and make you shiver
you appreciated being alone up on the roof, it helped you to have a clear enough head so you could be able to think about how your life had drastically changed in the past six years; your marriage, lexie’s and mark’s deaths, your daughter’s birth, owning part of a hospital, doing two fellowships at the same time, moving to the other side of the country, and falling in love again
thinking about everything made you feel like you were going to puke. you sighed, running your hands through your face and hair, and put your hands on the trail, eyes squeezed shut. “i thought the roof was strictly for late night burritos” you didn’t say anything and kept looking out to the city, “or maybe burgers, even some milkshakes–”
“–can you please not,” you let out a deep breath, “not now, please”
“bee, what’s wrong?”
“what are you doing here?”
“i asked lindsey and she told me you were here” he walked up to stand next to you, “are you okay?”
“yes. no. i don’t know” you sighed and paused, “i lost a patient tonight,” you shrugged, “so i’ve had better nights before. and a lot has happened to me in these past years,” you chuckled, “i don’t know, it’s a lot” you huffed out a breath, “what about you? what brings you to this fine place tonight?” you turned around, pressing your back against the railing
“downstairs is kinda slow, it seems people are pretty healthy and at home for once” he shrugged, “so i went up to ask if you wanted to grab something to eat but you weren’t there. and then lindsey told me you came up here” he stopped and shrugged, hands inside his pockets
“thank you”
“no problem, bee” he winked at you and you smiled, you opened and closed your mouth as if you wanted to say something but chose not to when your phone started to sound like crazy
you pulled it out of your scrub pocket, seeing lindsey’s name adorning your screen, “yeah?” you sighed, “okay, i’ll be right back down”
“everything okay?”
“yeah, it’s—uhm, one of my patients is awake and asking for the doctor” you had a small smile on your face, “see you later?” he nodded and you started walking to the roof’s door. you paused and truly considered what you were about to do. after you let out a huff, you turned right back around and walked back to where jack was standing
“what’s wrong, bee?” you saw his confused expression and took the chance, taking his scrub top in your hands to pull him in for a kiss
he was frozen in place, not believing what was happening, but snapped out of it to pull you in closer by your hips, reciprocating the kiss. your lips danced together for what felt like eternity and when you finally pulled back, you pressed your forehead against his and mumbled against his lips with a smile on your face. “i’ll see you later, rabbit”
you start to wonder if you’re ready for a second chance at love
wc: 6.3k
cw: hospital gala situation, jolex wedding!! therefore grey’s people cameo and dialogue usage from that episode, realizations, two idiots in love istg they just don’t say it, and, as always, doctor talk that may not be accurate
“i feel ridiculous,” you stared at yourself in the mirror. the store was almost empty, which wasn’t surprising since it was eleven in the morning
“you look good,” dana chimed in from the sofa she was sitting on next to lena, her usually tied hair falling loose down to her shoulders
“i look ridiculous, dana” you turned to her
“you don’t.” she rolled her eyes, “but maybe yellow shouldn’t be your main option”
you smoothed down your dress, “right?” you turned to the side, checking the dress’ cut on you. “don’t really think this cut is either.”
“i’ll go find you some other dresses. i’ll be right back” she winked at you, walking away to the other side of the store to find you some other options
“so,” lena started, looking up from her phone, “do you have a date for this little soirée, or is this an alone kind of event?”
you rolled your eyes affectionately, “come on, lena. just because jack and i are going together doesn’t mean it’s a date” you put your hands on your hips, a small smile on your face, “this is a work event, and we’re just friends”
“yeah, right.” she sighed, “it’s funny to me how much the board is taking advantage of the fact you’re a part hospital owner, it kinda attracts donors”
you laughed, shaking your head. “i also happen to be an excellent doctor, thank you very much”
“you also are a very beautiful, single woman who has a perfectly eligible, single man as her date, even if it’s for a work event” she winked at you just as dana walked to you with four different dresses for you to try
“oh, i like that green one” lena pointed at the second dress but your eyes drifted immediately to the dark purple one dana was holding
“i knew that dress would be the one” dana whistled at you when you walked out of your room, rollers still on your head
“i have you to thank for it” you modeled the dress for her and ellie, who was sitting on the couch with the biggest smile on her face
“you look really pretty, mommy.” your heart warmed at her words, “like the prettiest princess in the whole world”
“thank you, baby” you blew her a kiss, “be good for auntie dana, okay?” she nodded, “i’ll go in a bit, so make sure to brush your teeth before going to bed, okay?” she nodded again
the doorbell rang and ellie got up, “i’ll get it” she walked over to open the door where jack was standing, checking his watch, “hey, jack! i like your suit”
“oh, hey, baby bug” he leaned down to take her up in his arms, “is your mom ready yet?”
ellie scrunched her nose, “not really, she has some weird thing in her hair”
“they’re called rollers, baby bug” you said softly as you finished taking off the rollers so your hair could fall around your face in a perfectly styled blow-out. “someday you’ll learn how to use them” you walked over to them and pressed a kiss to her cheek before doing the same to jack, “hey, you. you’re early”
“i’m not,” he chuckled, giving you a side hug, “i’m right on time.” he checked his watch, “actually, we’re going to be late” he put ellie down so she could walk to her room, “you look really good”
you felt your face grow hot, “thanks.” you took a step forward, getting even closer to him than before so you could fix his jacket. after you did, you softly ran your hands down to his chest and you noticed how his neck slowly got redder by the second, “you also clean up really nice.” you smiled at him, patting softly at his chest before stepping back. you cleared your throat before adding, “i’ll go grab my purse so we can leave”
you walked into your room and dana took the chance to walk towards him, “so, when are you finally gonna ask her out?” she raised her eyebrows, “i got big money on that happening anytime this month”
he let out a dry chuckle, “trust me, she doesn’t see me that way”
dana shook her head with a smile on her face, “you are so blind, jack abbot. get your head out of your ass”
you walked out of your room, fully ready, and said, “ready to go?”
jack nodded, without being able to get a word out. dana, standing besides him, leaned to the side, whispering in his ear, “you are so fucked”
dana evans was many things, a kind woman, an excellent mother, a great cook, and one of the best, if not the best, nurse jack abbot had ever met
also, unfortunately for him, she managed to always be right
jack was in fact very freaking fucked. he suspected it the first time he saw you back when he was sent on that forced vacation and you moving to pittsburgh had only made it completely clear. he felt a pull towards you, like an invisible string tied around your hearts tugging you closer and closer until it inevitably brought you two together
he remembered the first time he saw you clear as day. he saw you in a hotel bar, you were wearing a dark purple tank top and a long white skirt, a fruity drink in your hand. you were laughing hard at some entertainment performance they had on the tiny stage
that feeling had been sitting on his chest ever since he saw you getting inside the er for your first shift at ptmc. you walked in looking exhausted and wearing a pair of sweats alongside a long-sleeved dark purple shirt, the same color of the tank top you had worn all those years before and also the same color of the dress you were wearing tonight
yeah, he was definitely fucked
he was standing by the bar nursing a glass of whiskey while watching you talk with one of the donors when adamson walked to stand next to him, “seeing something nice?”
jack hummed, “who would’ve thought you’d successfully make me come to one of these things?”
adamson huffed, “as if you were a man that could be convinced of doing something.” he popped one almond in his mouth, “we both know why you’re here” he tipped his head towards where you were standing, laughing at something one of the other doctors had said. jack could only throw his drink back, drinking the rest of it
“i have no idea what you are talking about” he shrugged, looking at you making your way towards them, a smile creeping up on his face
“good evening, gentlemen.” you smiled at them, seeing adamson let out a chuckle, “what’s so funny?”
“nothing,” he shrugged, “this just brings back some fond memories.” he paused, “if you’d excuse me, i see some good friends of mine over there”
“go ahead, we’ll see you in a bit” you gave him a wink and a soft pat on the shoulder. you turned to jack, “oh my god, the resemblance is uncanny” you shuddered, “so, what has been going on? fill me in on everything!” he smiled at you but didn’t say anything, “what?”
he shook his head, “nothing,” the starting melody of a slow song started playing and he offered you his hand, “care to dance with me, ma’am?”
“why not, sir?” you smiled and grabbed his hand, walking to the middle of the room to dance around the other doctors in the room
you grabbed his hands and moved them down to your waist, winking at him before wrapping your arms around his neck so the both of you could continue swaying to the rhythm of the song and, despite your better efforts, you couldn’t stop the memories of your and mark’s wedding
you suddenly pulled back, seeing the confused look on jack’s face. “you okay?”
you shook your head, feeling your eyes sting. “no—yes, i’m fine.” you paused, “i just need a bit of air. i’ll be right back”
you walked out of the room, leaving jack alone in the middle of the dance floor
he was confused but chose not to go after you, if you had left him there you must have a good enough reason why
the night chill bit you as soon as you made your way out of the hotel and to the parking lot. you sighed, “what the hell am i doing?”
“i have an answer for that question” you jumped a bit when you heard someone talking behind you, “nobody knows what they’re doing half the time”
“you scared me” you rubbed your chest, “you can’t sneak up on people like that”
“neither is leaving one’s date in the middle of the dance floor”
you shook your head, “he’s not my date, though.” you scrunched your nose, getting a cigarette box and a lighter out of your dress pocket, tilting the box towards him you asked, “want one?”
“since when do you smoke?” he asked back
“i don’t smoke,” you pulled one out, placing it between your lips and lighting it. “not really. it’s just some—uh, casual smoking” you winked at him, blowing out the smoke
“casual smoking doesn’t really exist, sloan” you shook your head with a smile, “but whatever, you’re a highly intelligent doctor so you know the risks”
you shrugged, “yeah.” you took another drag of the cigarette in your hand, “am i a bad person?”
“why do you ask that?”
“i don’t know” you had a sad smile on your face, “i feel like i am.” you turned your head to look at him, stomping on the cigarette to put it out, “i wanna ask you something, but it’s, uh, a very personal question”
“go ahead”
“were you ever married?” you saw a sad smile creeping up on his face
“yes, i was.” you turned to you, “she was the love of my life, we were married for over fifty-five years.” you nodded, looking down at your shoes. “it almost killed me when she died.” you looked up with a saddened expression, “cancer”
“i’m so sorry” you put your hand on his shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze
“it’s okay,” he had a sad smile on his face, softly squeezing your hand on his shoulder. “she didn’t suffer, and she died surrounded by people who loved her” he sighed, “i never found love again but—i know it’s possible. i know it’s possible for you and i know it’s possible for jack.” your eyes were filled with tears, “did you know he lost his wife years ago?”
“he mentioned it once,” he looked at you, “we got drunk after ellie fell asleep. he was considerably drunker than me,” you huffed out a laugh, “and he just, started talking about her” you shook your head with a smile, “honestly, it felt like hearing me talk about mark, it’s painfully obvious he loves her”
“and it’s painfully obvious he also loves you” you bit your lip and shut your eyes closed to avoid crying as adamson walked back inside, leaving you alone leaning against the side of a car
“what am i doing?” you rubbed your forehead, letting out a deep breath
“i was beginning to think you’d left me in there with all those boring people” you heard jack’s voice behind you
“for fucks sake” you jumped again, hand on your chest. “you people have to stop sneaking up on me, it’s gonna make me have a fucking heart attack and die”
“what, and cigarettes won’t?” he asked you with a teasing smile and you shot a warning glance at him. “okay,” he put his hands up, “won’t mention it again”
you shook your head, biting back a smile. “sorry about that,” you pursed your lips, “the whole leaving you alone thing. you weren’t alone, though” you wiggled your eyebrows, “what about dr davis?”
you both chuckled, “nah, she’s an old friend” you raised an eyebrow with a teasing smile, “we went to med school together”
“oh, i know who to go to for embarrassing college stories” your smile grew, “you having fun?”
“i’d have more fun if you hadn’t left me alone.” he answered with a teasing tone, “wanna tell me why?”
you scrunched your nose, “sorry again” you mumbled, “it just—it brought back some memories, that’s all”
he grabbed your hand and squeezed it, “it’s okay. wanna go back inside for a drink?”
you smiled softly, “how about we get out of here? i’m starving”
he nodded, “i know the perfect place” he pulled you to his side by your hand, “come on, let’s go”
“i have to admit, this burger is delicious” you cleaned the corners of your mouth with one of the napkins in front of you
“i love being right” he mumbled with a half-full mouth
“you’re disgusting.” you chuckled, “stop talking with a full mouth” you both laughed, finishing the rest of your food, “i’ll be right back, i have to go pee”
you walked into the diner’s bathroom, and after you finished, you washed your hands and checked your phone
lady d - 3 new messages
grey sloan badass docs [group chat] - 15 new messages
“you have got to be kidding me!” you excitedly said into the phone as you read the email with the invitation for alex and jo’s wedding
‘yeah, we’re not’ alex answered and jo excitedly laughed, showing you the ring
“oh my god, alex! it’s beautiful” you smiled, “i’m so happy for you guys!”
‘please tell me ellie and you’ll be here’ jo pleaded and you faked a thinking expression before smiling and nodding, ‘oh my god, yes! thank you so much’ she squealed, ‘you have to send me ellie’s sizes, zola, sofia and she will make the prettiest flower girls!’ she clapped very excited, ‘look, i gotta go, but–call me soon’ she blew you a kiss before walking away
‘look, you can bring a plus one’ alex said softly, ‘maybe that doctor that works with you over there’
“alex!” you exclaimed, looking side by side. “lower your voice!”
‘you lower your phone volume!’ he rolled his eyes, ‘look, do whatever you want just—you have to be here’
“i will” you smiled, “i wouldn’t miss it for the world”
‘bring your friend’ he smiled, ‘god knows you’ll need the company, you’ve missed a lot of things’
“like what?” you asked
‘amelia and hunt have children now’
“they what!?”
‘yeah, hunt is fostering a kid and amelia is sponsoring his mother.’ he shrugged, ‘it’s a lot, but it’s probably the first time i’ve seen hunt so level headed’
“damn”
‘i also was very high when they first got the kid’ he chuckled, ‘that’s an awesome story. look i gotta go, but call me to rsvp or whatever’
“wait, alex—he hung up on me” you sighed, “whatever”
you walked out of the break room, seeing the slow flow of patients. “finally, the cutest doctor finishes her phone call” she teased you without looking up from her tablet
“you know it, lena. gotta take advantage of company time to chit chat with family” you winked at her, taking the pen from her scrub pocket, “what’ve you got?”
“concussed kid in central five, pregnant woman with abdominal pain in central six, central seven and eight are free, both trauma rooms are empty, and triage is s-word” she listed off her head
“basically, a beautiful start of a shift” you smiled, scrunching your nose, “i’ll go upstairs, but call me if anything comes through those doors”
“wanna know my favorite case from last night?” you asked and dana nodded, “woman vs bat”
“what do you mean bat?” she looked up from her computer with a confused expression
“baseball bat” you nodded and you two broke into laughter a few seconds later, “it was crazy. the poor woman went to a batting cage as a date and ended up with an exploded bat on her abdomen”
“what?”
“exactly.” you drank from your water bottle, “i mean, the guy kinda explained that the batter was jammed but it doesn’t make sense to me how the whole thing went down” you shrugged “the surgery was amazing, though”
“bottom line, it was a crazy night” she sighed, “i wonder what the day has for us”
you fixed your bag on your shoulder, “don’t know, lady d. i just wish you all the luck in the world.” you saw jack walking out of the locker’s hallway, “i gotta go. i’ll see you at shift change” you blew her a kiss, “love you, d” she nodded, winking at you
“hey, rabbit” you walked up to him
“i see you’re stepping up on the nickname game” he smiled at you, throwing his arm around your shoulders
you chuckled, “sorry, ellie called you jack rabbit a couple days ago. it just slipped out”
“i like it,” he smiled, “so, what are you up to? i thought you’d be home by now”
you stopped walking, standing in front of him, “i got a wedding invite from one of my friends back in seattle,” you sighed and put your hands in your pockets, “and they might’ve mentioned taking you with me.” he looked surprised, “i know. the only one you’ve actually met is jackson, this is not his wedding,” you clarified, “he’s actually divorced and his ex-wife is also one of my best friends and i am rambling” you let go of your bag strap and hid your face behind your hands
“bee,” he put his hands around your arms, “come on.” you peeked out of two of your fingers, “when’s this wedding?”
you lowered your hands, “in two weeks. you know, you don’t have to if–if you don’t want–”
“hey, no, bee.” his hands traveled up to hold your face, “i’d love to. when do we leave?”
“this is a bad idea. this is a terrible idea, dana” you threw your head back and huffed, “why did i invite him? i should’ve just told alex and jo he said no” you drank the rest of your wine
“this might be the best idea you’ve ever had, sloan.” she sipped her wine with a smile on her face, “besides, he agreed on the spot so, why do you think it’s a bad idea?”
“because, d. it just is,” you ran your hand down your face, “why did i think going to a wedding on the other side of the country with jack freaking abbot would be a good idea?” you groaned, “god, i panicked when we were dancing at the hospital gala because it brought back the memory of my wedding. what is an actual wedding going to bring back?”
“i think you’re overthinking it, honey” dana sat you down next to her, “i don’t think jack abbot would’ve said yes if he didn’t actually want to go with you. besides, didn’t you say it was your friend’s idea?”
“god, no!” you groaned again, getting up so you could start pacing around the room again. “this is dating territory. he’s meeting my friends! i can’t do this dana, i can’t. i’ll tell him the wedding got cancelled or something”
“you’re panicking for no reason”
“and you’re enjoying this way too much” you sat down again, “what am i going to do?”
“you are going to go to that wedding with el and jack, you’re going to have a great time with your friends back home, and you’re going to come back”
“you make it sound so simple”
“because it is, bee” she teased, sipping more of her wine and pouring more on your glass, “just go have fun, what’s the harm?”
“i can’t believe you’re here!” amelia hugged you so tight you felt like you couldn’t breathe, “who’s the hottie over there?”
“amelia!” you chuckled, “it’s so good to see you”
“yeah, it is.” she brushed you off, “now, answer the question”
you shook your head and smiled, “he’s a work friend”
“how much of a friend are we talking about?” she asked with a teasing tone
“amelia!” you softly slapped her shoulder, “come on, i’ll introduce you. but, you’ve gotta tell me about your strange love life and living arrangements after”
“deal” she smiled and grabbed your hand, pulling you with her to the small bar, where jack was standing
“rabbit,” he turned around, “bee”
“so cute, animal nicknames.” amelia teased, “amelia shepherd, nice to meet you” she held out her hand
“jack abbot” he shook her hand, “nice to meet you, too.”
you heard someone call your name from the other side of the venue. you turned around and saw two girls running up to where you were standing, “oh, my girls” you leaned down to their height, “you’re so grown, how have i missed you”
“we’ve missed you two, auntie bee” zola said and you hugged them tighter than before
“where’s my baby sister?” sofia asked
“she’s over there,” you pointed at the dessert table, “stealing some brownies for me and her. go over there and help her”
“okay!” they said in unison and jogged over there
“you’re here!” you heard april’s voice near you
“of course i’m here” you hugged her, “you look so pretty, apes. where’s my baby?”
“harriet’s with ruby and matthew’s parents” she smiled, holding your hands in hers, “i haven’t seen el, where is she?”
“she’s running around with the rest of the kids. oh,” you turned and pulled jack to your side, “this jack abbot. jack this is april kepner, harriet’s mom”
“oh, it’s so nice to meet you. you have a beautiful baby” he shook her hand with a smile
“he met her when jackson took her to pittsburgh for ellie’s birthday” you gave her a soft smile
april nodded, looking over your shoulders to where the wedding planner was yelling at someone, “sorry guys, enjoy–i’ll be right back”
“so, you freak out yet?” you bumped his hip with yours
“what are you talking about?” he chuckled, “we’ve been here less than an hour and a lot has happened, this is the most fun we’ve ever had”
“is this the weirdest wedding you’ve ever been to or is there another one that takes the crown?” you sat down next to jack. truth is, you were happy, and even though nothing had gone according to april’s plan, you could see that jo and alex couldn’t be happier
“i will have to think about it” he looked at you as if he was actually thinking if he had ever been to a weirder wedding or not, “i’m having fun, actually.” he smiled, “you guys have a lot of weird things happen to you, but you still take it like champs and try to see the good side”
you laughed, “did you know that we used to call the hospital seattle grace-mercy death for a while after the shooting and also after the plane crash?” you turned to look out to the sky, “because, you know, everyone eventually died”
“i’m glad you didn’t, i wouldn’t have met you.” you softly hit his shoulder, “what? it’s the truth”
“i’m glad i met you too, rabbit” you pressed a kiss on his cheek, “come on,” you saw maggie waving at you to go over there, “mag’s calling us”
“okay, so,” she sighed, “mer got ordained on the internet. yeah, it’s weird how many things you can do on your phone, whatever, point is, she’s gonna get those two married and then we can go to jackson’s place and celebrate”
“sounds good to me. what about the kids?” you asked her
“mer said the sitter will be waiting at home and i’m sure you can drop ellie off with them and go back to jackson’s” you nodded
“you know what? hell, yeah. i need a good drinking night with the coolest doctors i know,” you turned to jack, “no offense”
“none taken” he squeezed your hand, “we should go over there, she’s telling everyone to get closer”
the three of you walked over to stand next to amelia and hunt, you quickly squeezed her hand and fully turned towards mer, alex, and jo to finally see them get married
“for the longest time, ferryboats made me sad.” meredith started, a big smile on her face, “but from now on i’ll look at them the way my husband did. i will see the beauty, i will see the wind, the air, the sea, the motion.” you felt jack’s arm around your shoulder so you leaned back, your back to his chest, “i will see the possibility because of the two of you. i have never seen two people bring out better in each other. and if the two of you can take this day and turn it into lemonade,” everyone chuckled, “then you can do anything.” she took a deep breath, “so, alex karev, do you want to marry jo wilson?”
“i do.” alex nodded, the biggest smile you had ever seen on his face, and put the ring on her finger
“jo wilson, do you want to marry alex karev?”
“i super do” she smiled, putting the ring on his finger
“by the power vested in me by the internet, i now pronounce you married. you may kiss the bride.”
everyone clapped and cheered seeing alex and jo share their first kiss as a couple and you felt tears running down your face
“yeah, this is definitely the weirdest wedding i’ve ever been to” you laughed at jack’s words
“i am so hungover” you mumbled under your breath, forehead pressed down against the table, “i’m never drinking again”
“here you go, bee” you felt jack’s hand rubbing up and down your back, when you looked up you saw him offering you a cup of coffee
“thank you” you sipped the coffee and hummed at the taste, “i am never drinking again”
“you said that twice”
“shhh,” you put your index finger against his lips, “don’t talk too loud”
“bee, come on, open your eyes” he ran a hand through your hair and you shook your head. “well, at least take these pills and drink your coffee, we gotta go pick up ellie from your friend’s”
“lower your voice” you popped in the pills and passed them with the coffee, “mer can take care of ellie—oh no, mer has to work today” you groaned, “can you pick her up? i’ll go to the hospital so i can get a banana bag”
“okay, bee” he nodded, pressing a kiss on the top of your head, “go change, i’ll take you.” you nodded softly before getting up
the drive over to the hospital felt endless and when you walked in you were greeted with a half-full er and a lot of new faces
“hello, miss. my name is dr helm—”
“helmouth, i remember you from alex’s wedding—yesterday” you mumbled, “i need a banana bag, i—uhg, i’m very hungover” you hid your eyes with your hand, “and i have to leave soon”
“don’t worry, your boyfriend already picked your daughter up” mer’s voice made you snap open your eyes, “i like him, he brought me coffee and brought the kids some muffins” she smiled, “helm, please bring me an iv kit and a banana bag” the blonde nodded and opened and closed her mouth like she wanted to say something but ultimately decided not to and walked away
you chuckled softly, “he’s not my boyfriend, but he’s pretty good”
“bee, if you don’t make him your boyfriend, i’ll set him up with someone else. maybe even me” she raised her eyebrows and had a teasing smile on her face, “thanks, helm” she said, taking the kit from her hands, “for whatever’s worth, he seems like a great guy, and you deserve that” she patted your thigh, “page me when the iv bag is empty” you nodded and she walked off with helm for another case
you sighed and closed your eyes, letting out a huff. you decided to check your phone and saw a picture of jack having breakfast with ellie, a big smile on both their faces. you couldn’t help the smile that was growing on your face at the thought that you could get used to that
“hey, d” you smiled, opening your door, “thank you for coming, how are you doing?”
she hugged you, “always, sweetie. it’s sad lena couldn’t make it”
“yeah, she said something about having to go to dinner with her mother-in-law” you chuckled, “she said that with an eye roll”
dana chuckled and sat down at your kitchen table, “yeah, tell me about it.” you offered her a beer and she nodded, “thanks.” she took the first sip of the beer in her hand, “did you meet the new fellows?”
you nodded, “yeah,” you sipped your beer, “dr emery walsh is—interesting.” you chuckled, “she reminds me of an old friend, she seems cool”
you placed a peanut bowl on the table, “i met her a week ago, you know,” dana grabbed a peanut, “when you were in your little romantic escapade with a certain night attending”
you shook your head, drinking more beer, “not you too, d” you saw her expression and sighed, “my friends were bothering me endlessly about him, and how he is with me and my daughter”
“speaking of her, where is ellie?”
“she’s at a friend’s house” you smiled, “one of the girls at school is having a movie night at her house and they seem to be good friends, probably is the first friend ellie has made,” she looked a little hurt, “i mean friends her own age. it’s one thing having friends that are your age and another one to have ones that are your mom’s age”
dana chuckled, “i remember when my kids started school and made their first friends,” she sipped her beer, “it feels like it was yesterday” she sighed and sat up straight, “now, tell me everything. how was the wedding?”
“it was weird.” you saw the question in her face, “not a bad weird, a normal for me weird” you sighed, “the wedding planner had an allergic reaction to something she ate, the gps link was wrong and sent everyone else to the wrong place, the bride and groom went missing for a long while, and the ceremony ended up being aboard a ferry boat” you sipped the last of your beer, “that is the kinda weird i’m used to. at least the after party was at my friend jackson’s place and he footed the bill, so i got insanely drunk and ended up in the er for a banana bag the next day”
“you really know how to have fun, don’t you?” she chuckled, drinking the last of her beer
“i sure hope so,” you opened two new beers, placing one in front of her. “i was a hardcore party girl all throughout my residency up until the moment i got pregnant”
“i wouldn’t have guessed that considering your extensive resume”
you chuckled, “i have multiple facets, dana dearest”
“i can see that” she shook her head, “so, how was everything with jack?”
“he was great, he’s always great. i hate him–” you rambled and sat with a leg up, your knee against your chest
“–no, you don’t.” dana interrupted you, “you have feelings for him”
your face fell and you were taken aback, “what?”
“you have feelings for him.” she lowered her beer and took your hands on hers, “and i’m willing to bet you fully realized it when you were at the wedding” your eyes filled with tears at her words, “no, honey. i–don’t cry”
“i’m sorry, d. you’re right” you bit your lips to try to avoid crying, “it’s just that,” you took a deep breath, “i think i’m in love with jack,” she smiled knowingly, “and i feel so—guilty. for years all i’ve wanted is for mark to come back. to wake up one day and realize that it was all just a fucking nightmare, that it wasn’t real, that he wasn’t a coward,” you let out a dry chuckle, “because that is what he was, a fucking coward. he left me alone,” you licked your lips before continuing, “he died and left me all alone. and now i feel so guilty about falling in love with jack, because it feels like i am leaving mark behind”
“but you’re not, honey.” she softly wiped the tears from your cheeks, “no matter what, he will always be your husband”
“i just feel so guilty.” you started crying again, “i ca-i can’t do this dana, i can’t give jack what he wants”
“you can.” she held your face on her hands, softly rubbing your cheek with her thumb, “because it is also what you want”
it was one of those rare slow and kind of quiet nights that the pitt handed you on a silver platter. you had talked to lindsey, the surgical floor night shift charge nurse, telling her you needed to step out for a second and to call you immediately if anything was wrong with any of your patients. she just smiled at you, softly squeezing your hand to let you know everything would be okay
the night chill bit through your scrubs and undershirt. it was almost the beginning of september–and fall time for that matter–and the late summertime weather at night was chilly enough to seep under your clothes and make you shiver
you appreciated being alone up on the roof, it helped you to have a clear enough head so you could be able to think about how your life had drastically changed in the past six years; your marriage, lexie’s and mark’s deaths, your daughter’s birth, owning part of a hospital, doing two fellowships at the same time, moving to the other side of the country, and falling in love again
thinking about everything made you feel like you were going to puke. you sighed, running your hands through your face and hair, and put your hands on the trail, eyes squeezed shut. “i thought the roof was strictly for late night burritos” you didn’t say anything and kept looking out to the city, “or maybe burgers, even some milkshakes–”
“–can you please not,” you let out a deep breath, “not now, please”
“bee, what’s wrong?”
“what are you doing here?”
“i asked lindsey and she told me you were here” he walked up to stand next to you, “are you okay?”
“yes. no. i don’t know” you sighed and paused, “i lost a patient tonight,” you shrugged, “so i’ve had better nights before. and a lot has happened to me in these past years,” you chuckled, “i don’t know, it’s a lot” you huffed out a breath, “what about you? what brings you to this fine place tonight?” you turned around, pressing your back against the railing
“downstairs is kinda slow, it seems people are pretty healthy and at home for once” he shrugged, “so i went up to ask if you wanted to grab something to eat but you weren’t there. and then lindsey told me you came up here” he stopped and shrugged, hands inside his pockets
“thank you”
“no problem, bee” he winked at you and you smiled, you opened and closed your mouth as if you wanted to say something but chose not to when your phone started to sound like crazy
you pulled it out of your scrub pocket, seeing lindsey’s name adorning your screen, “yeah?” you sighed, “okay, i’ll be right back down”
“everything okay?”
“yeah, it’s—uhm, one of my patients is awake and asking for the doctor” you had a small smile on your face, “see you later?” he nodded and you started walking to the roof’s door. you paused and truly considered what you were about to do. after you let out a huff, you turned right back around and walked back to where jack was standing
“what’s wrong, bee?” you saw his confused expression and took the chance, taking his scrub top in your hands to pull him in for a kiss
he was frozen in place, not believing what was happening, but snapped out of it to pull you in closer by your hips, reciprocating the kiss. your lips danced together for what felt like eternity and when you finally pulled back, you pressed your forehead against his and mumbled against his lips with a smile on your face. “i’ll see you later, rabbit”
cw: sad vibes all around and italics for lyrics and some memories. that’s it i think. this was written in like an hour with ‘cigarette smoke’ by olivia rodrigo playing on repeat and also i was remembering some things of my last relationship while writing this so some things did happen irl. not proofread whatsoever but if i happen to see some mistake later on trust it’ll be fixed!
hope you enjoy. comments, likes, and reblogs are always appreciated
‘cigarette smoke […] clings to my clothes, seeps into my bones’
the mid-september weather welcomed you as you stepped out of your house for the first time in what felt like forever. your eyes felt as puffy as they seemed to be and your shirt was clinging uncomfortably on your shoulders
you felt weird, like you were floating mid air as you started your run, not fully feeling the ground beneath your feet as you picked up the pace
to the rhythm of the songs you were blasting in your headphones
it was an impromptu decision, going out for a run after a long week of staying home under the covers basically inhaling whatever little food you had at home
truth was, you weren’t okay. even if you tried to fool your godfather—and a little of yourself—you both knew the breakup had done a big deal of damage to whatever pace you’d picked up and enjoyed in the past two years
it was fairly early—4 am to be exact—and even though the day was barely starting, it felt like you had been awake for a week straight. you barely slept and barely ate, surviving off pure sadness and that air of tiredness that floated above you
you tried to clear your mind—that was the whole purpose of that sudden decision of going out for a run at 4 am—but the memories just came to your mind, clouding whatever little bit of stability you had left
‘whatever happens, we’ll stick together’ trinity mumbled under her breath, linking her pinky with yours, ‘second year ends soon, after that we can go up to new york for a couple days and enjoy a full weekend just the two of us’
you shook your head at the memory, trying to will away the tears that were forming in your eyes and the inevitable new tear that appeared in your heart
you picked up the pace, running over and over again through your street, passing the damned lavender house you used to say would be yours in a couple years time
‘i know mrs jones wants to retire in a couple of years and move down to florida to be near her daughter and grandchildren’ you mindlessly mentioned one day while you walked hand in hand with trinity down the street a random april day
‘maybe it’ll be ours to start our own family’ she smiled at you, softly squeezing your hand as if it was just a simple comment. but even though your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest you decided to pretend it didn’t have that impact on you and kept walking, a small smile adorning your face
the tears were flowing freely down your face by that point, and unknowingly, you had stopped in front of the house to just stare at it
it was way past 6 by the time you noticed you had been standing there staring straight to the house and you finally got the courage to leave when mrs jones stepped outside, greeting you and offering a cup of coffee for you to start your day
‘it’s a real quiet house […] five beers in the fridge and the second car’s gone’
you realized you hated being home when you walked inside and finally realized how quiet it was and how empty it felt
you stood in the kitchen door for a couple of minutes, staring straight into the now empty fridge door that used to be full of pictures of your relationship until you finally shook your head and walked to grab some cold water
the first things you saw were the unopened beers she had left in the back of your fridge and scoffed out a dry laugh at the absurdity of the situation
the cold water went down your throat with a delicious burn you didn’t know you missed and you didn’t think twice before you walked straight to the shower to wash away the sadness and sweat that adorned your skin
everything you were doing felt like automatic actions. shower, brush your teeth and hair, get dressed, eat, wash the dishes, rinse and repeat
your phone rang a couple times before you decided to check it, seeing texts from jack, your godfather, asking how things were going, but you just turned it off and tossed it on the nightstand. laying back on your bed and staring at the ceiling you started reminiscing about everything that had gone down in those last months, a routine you seemed to be mastering as the days went by
you didn’t notice when you fell asleep, but by the time you woke up it was very bright outside. you checked the time and groaned, it was past 2 pm and you had promised jack you’d help him box some old stuff to store it in his garage
you stood up and changed out of your home clothes to make your way outside to where your car was parked
you stopped dead in your tracks as you realized you were opening the passenger door instead of the driver’s one and blinked fast before going around the car to open the correct door and make your way to jack’s house
‘i regret you and how long i stayed […] i thought that we played the perfect couple ‘til you didn’t want the part’
everything felt like a chore. waking up, doing your morning routine, cooking, eating, even drinking water felt almost impossible to do
your body felt heavy, the devastating mixture of tiredness and sadness slowly catching up to you and dragging you down to a place your saddest thoughts were waiting to welcome you with open arms
every step you took felt heavy. that heaviness that felt final and was charged with every single emotion you had held in for a long time
you checked the time for what felt like the millionth time. you had agreed to meet up with trinity after her shift, taking advantage of the couple free days you had ahead thanks to jack and the schedule he had amazingly crafted for a quick trip to the beach
your phone buzzed, a text from trinity coming through
‘sorry, can’t go rn. garcia finally had some free time to teach me the sutures we were talking about. ily, see you tomorrow <3’
you huffed in annoyance, blocking your phone, and turned to look at your suitcase. ‘whatever,’ you thought, ‘i better start unpacking’
you noticed a picture you had up on a shelf. whitaker’s face was scrunched up in a happy expression, trinity was holding up her middle finger, and you were mockingly biting dennis’ cheek. a soft smile crept up on your face as you remembered that day. it had been a rare day when the three of you were off at the same time so, naturally, an impromptu trip to the arcade downtown was born and you remembered that day as if it had been yesterday. your smile soured the moment you remembered that it had been the day where you and trinity had tried on a bunch of different beach outfits, pretending to model them so whitaker could give you both his opinions about each of them a couple weeks before you had to cancel the trip you were so excited for
‘some nights can be so fucking lonely but it’s better than begging you to stand up for me’
you used to hate sleeping alongside someone else. you loved your bed and that it was entirely yours up until the moment trinity santos waltzed into your life and used you so much as her personal cuddle pillow that you ended up loving it enough that you couldn’t really fall asleep without her holding you
it felt like a slap to your face the first night you had to spend fully on your own right after the breakup
and it felt like life or the universe or whatever loved to slap you whenever you as much as placed a finger on your bed
that loneliness you used to welcome with good energy now threatened to swallow you whole. your bed felt a thousand times bigger and colder than before. and you hated that. you hated that the love you once appreciated had damaged that receptivity for being alone, twisting it to the most horrible feeling of loneliness you never thought you’d ever feel
it was a particularly hard day. your photos app had shown you some suggested pictures of what had been some of the best moments in your relationship
you loved staying home during winter time because you had the chance to stay warm while admiring the beautiful snow falling down on the ground
but it was one of those rare occasions you agreed to go out for a drive in the late afternoon. after a couple of hours you arrived to the beach, and as soon as you left the car it started to snow
it felt like an out of body experience, seeing snow fall down on the beach. it was a beautiful sight
trinity wasted no time in grabbing some snow and throwing it at you, starting a small snow throwing game in the middle of the beach
before you knew it she pulled you to her, your chest pressed against hers before she brushed the hair put of your face and pulled you into a kiss
and even though it was freezing, you swore you could melt right then and there
you felt the tears come up to your eyes and even though you tried to make them go away, you failed tremendously. you walked out to the kitchen and yanked open the fridge door, opening one of the beers and taking a big swing, relishing the burn of the alcohol down your throat
you grabbed the rest of the cans and sat down on the floor, opening one after the other. you didn’t realize when you walked into your bathroom, two cans of beer still in your hands, and turned on the shower
it was all an automatic action, you took off your clothes and got under the shower before opening the two beers left and drinking them under the stream of water. by the time you finished them the situation seemed to dawn on you and you let out a dry chuckle
‘i regret you and what i let slide, i resent you for taking her side’
you remember as clear as day the moment it all started to go downhill
it was a fairly normal day. the pitt was bustling with a lot of patients and back-to-back traumas in little time. robby walked out of trauma one after asking you to please tell trinity to finish her charting while she taught her portion of the r1s and medical students
you walked out of the trauma room five minutes after, walking around the er to look for trinity and tell her what robby had asked you to
you finally caught a glimpse of her back making her way into the south corridor that led straight to one of the many staircases in the building. you quietly walked after her and were about to call her name when you noticed garcia pulling her into a tight hug before she softly squeezed trin’s waist
you walked backwards, heart on your throat, and went back inside the er. dana saw your expression when you reached the nurses’s station but you avoided her and walked straight out to the ambulance bay
it hadn’t been the first time you noticed something between the both of them but that didn’t make it hurt any less. the first time had been some pictures of the both of them from the time they were together, trinity had said she hadn’t had the chance to delete them, but in more than one occasion you saw her gazing at the pictures before locking her phone or closing the app. there was another occasion where she called trin to let her know something about her surgical fellowship, you didn’t understand why she was still entertaining the conversations, but when you brought it up she just shrugged and casually said they were friends, and that ‘friends talk about work stuff’
the tipping point was the constant occurrences of those ‘friendly’ situations and when you finally exploded she looked at you like you were being unreasonable. that was the first real and deep crack in your relationship
you sighed, rubbing your eyes, and turned to your side to force yourself to fall asleep
‘it’s bone dry, bitter and hollow. you’ll be miles away tomorrow. why’d i try at all?’
the decision was taken and no matter how much jack or dana or robby or anyone really begged you, you were finally leaving pittsburgh behind
your third year of residency was wrapping up and with it came new opportunities career-wise
you had applied for a transfer to different residency programs and were more than happy to hear back from mass gen to start as early as you could. they had loved your curriculum and everything you had accomplished in your three years as a resident at ptmc and you were more than happy to leave behind a place that had torn you to pieces for a new place where you could have the chance to piece yourself back together
you knew your last month was going to be an emotional and complicated one, saying goodbye often was, and while you were ready a part of you was desperately trying to cling on to what you did know, the people that you loved and that loved you. but a change was necessary
the last shift felt like a big bad joke. everything that could go wrong, went wrong, and everything that you wanted to go right, didn’t go that way
after you did your night rounds and successfully handed over every single one of your patients, princess and perlah clung to your sides, hugging you and messing with your hair
selfishly, a part of you was happy. your friends had kindly planned a small goodbye party for you in the break room. the table was filled with all your favorite snacks and you laughed when you noticed the string made of poorly edited cutouts of your face with party hats
you thanked everyone, giving out and receiving hugs from everyone present. well, almost everyone
trinity was looking at you with an expression you didn’t know how to interpret, leaning against the door and holding a red cup to her lips
mel and langdon pulled you out of the little staring contest between the two of you to give you a small gift bag. you hugged them and opened the gift, seeing a small picture album filled with pictures of everyone present from the three years you had spent together
you felt your eyes fill with tears. not only because of the gift but because of everything that had happened in less than six months; the end of your relationship, the sadness that lingered, and the decision of leaving behind the place you’d learned to call home and the people you’d learned to call family
your heart felt impossibly heavy during the flight to massachusetts but the moment you walked into what you would slowly turn into your new home, your heart felt a little less heavy
unpacking everything didn’t feel like a chore. it felt fun, light, and necessary. it was the first time in almost two months you felt something else other than the never ending sadness
nervousness for what lay ahead of you
and still sadness for what you had left behind
‘tell me something honest so the memories turn dark. the memories go dark. go dark’
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cw: sad vibes all around and italics for lyrics and some memories. that’s it i think. this was written in like an hour with ‘cigarette smoke’ by olivia rodrigo playing on repeat and also i was remembering some things of my last relationship while writing this so some things did happen irl. not proofread whatsoever but if i happen to see some mistake later on trust it’ll be fixed!
hope you enjoy. comments, likes, and reblogs are always appreciated
‘cigarette smoke […] clings to my clothes, seeps into my bones’
the mid-september weather welcomed you as you stepped out of your house for the first time in what felt like forever. your eyes felt as puffy as they seemed to be and your shirt was clinging uncomfortably on your shoulders
you felt weird, like you were floating mid air as you started your run, not fully feeling the ground beneath your feet as you picked up the pace
to the rhythm of the songs you were blasting in your headphones
it was an impromptu decision, going out for a run after a long week of staying home under the covers basically inhaling whatever little food you had at home
truth was, you weren’t okay. even if you tried to fool your godfather—and a little of yourself—you both knew the breakup had done a big deal of damage to whatever pace you’d picked up and enjoyed in the past two years
it was fairly early—4 am to be exact—and even though the day was barely starting, it felt like you had been awake for a week straight. you barely slept and barely ate, surviving off pure sadness and that air of tiredness that floated above you
you tried to clear your mind—that was the whole purpose of that sudden decision of going out for a run at 4 am—but the memories just came to your mind, clouding whatever little bit of stability you had left
‘whatever happens, we’ll stick together’ trinity mumbled under her breath, linking her pinky with yours, ‘second year ends soon, after that we can go up to new york for a couple days and enjoy a full weekend just the two of us’
you shook your head at the memory, trying to will away the tears that were forming in your eyes and the inevitable new tear that appeared in your heart
you picked up the pace, running over and over again through your street, passing the damned lavender house you used to say would be yours in a couple years time
‘i know mrs jones wants to retire in a couple of years and move down to florida to be near her daughter and grandchildren’ you mindlessly mentioned one day while you walked hand in hand with trinity down the street a random april day
‘maybe it’ll be ours to start our own family’ she smiled at you, softly squeezing your hand as if it was just a simple comment. but even though your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest you decided to pretend it didn’t have that impact on you and kept walking, a small smile adorning your face
the tears were flowing freely down your face by that point, and unknowingly, you had stopped in front of the house to just stare at it
it was way past 6 by the time you noticed you had been standing there staring straight to the house and you finally got the courage to leave when mrs jones stepped outside, greeting you and offering a cup of coffee for you to start your day
‘it’s a real quiet house […] five beers in the fridge and the second car’s gone’
you realized you hated being home when you walked inside and finally realized how quiet it was and how empty it felt
you stood in the kitchen door for a couple of minutes, staring straight into the now empty fridge door that used to be full of pictures of your relationship until you finally shook your head and walked to grab some cold water
the first things you saw were the unopened beers she had left in the back of your fridge and scoffed out a dry laugh at the absurdity of the situation
the cold water went down your throat with a delicious burn you didn’t know you missed and you didn’t think twice before you walked straight to the shower to wash away the sadness and sweat that adorned your skin
everything you were doing felt like automatic actions. shower, brush your teeth and hair, get dressed, eat, wash the dishes, rinse and repeat
your phone rang a couple times before you decided to check it, seeing texts from jack, your godfather, asking how things were going, but you just turned it off and tossed it on the nightstand. laying back on your bed and staring at the ceiling you started reminiscing about everything that had gone down in those last months, a routine you seemed to be mastering as the days went by
you didn’t notice when you fell asleep, but by the time you woke up it was very bright outside. you checked the time and groaned, it was past 2 pm and you had promised jack you’d help him box some old stuff to store it in his garage
you stood up and changed out of your home clothes to make your way outside to where your car was parked
you stopped dead in your tracks as you realized you were opening the passenger door instead of the driver’s one and blinked fast before going around the car to open the correct door and make your way to jack’s house
‘i regret you and how long i stayed […] i thought that we played the perfect couple ‘til you didn’t want the part’
everything felt like a chore. waking up, doing your morning routine, cooking, eating, even drinking water felt almost impossible to do
your body felt heavy, the devastating mixture of tiredness and sadness slowly catching up to you and dragging you down to a place your saddest thoughts were waiting to welcome you with open arms
every step you took felt heavy. that heaviness that felt final and was charged with every single emotion you had held in for a long time
you checked the time for what felt like the millionth time. you had agreed to meet up with trinity after her shift, taking advantage of the couple free days you had ahead thanks to jack and the schedule he had amazingly crafted for a quick trip to the beach
your phone buzzed, a text from trinity coming through
‘sorry, can’t go rn. garcia finally had some free time to teach me the sutures we were talking about. ily, see you tomorrow <3’
you huffed in annoyance, blocking your phone, and turned to look at your suitcase. ‘whatever,’ you thought, ‘i better start unpacking’
you noticed a picture you had up on a shelf. whitaker’s face was scrunched up in a happy expression, trinity was holding up her middle finger, and you were mockingly biting dennis’ cheek. a soft smile crept up on your face as you remembered that day. it had been a rare day when the three of you were off at the same time so, naturally, an impromptu trip to the arcade downtown was born and you remembered that day as if it had been yesterday. your smile soured the moment you remembered that it had been the day where you and trinity had tried on a bunch of different beach outfits, pretending to model them so whitaker could give you both his opinions about each of them a couple weeks before you had to cancel the trip you were so excited for
‘some nights can be so fucking lonely but it’s better than begging you to stand up for me’
you used to hate sleeping alongside someone else. you loved your bed and that it was entirely yours up until the moment trinity santos waltzed into your life and used you so much as her personal cuddle pillow that you ended up loving it enough that you couldn’t really fall asleep without her holding you
it felt like a slap to your face the first night you had to spend fully on your own right after the breakup
and it felt like life or the universe or whatever loved to slap you whenever you as much as placed a finger on your bed
that loneliness you used to welcome with good energy now threatened to swallow you whole. your bed felt a thousand times bigger and colder than before. and you hated that. you hated that the love you once appreciated had damaged that receptivity for being alone, twisting it to the most horrible feeling of loneliness you never thought you’d ever feel
it was a particularly hard day. your photos app had shown you some suggested pictures of what had been some of the best moments in your relationship
you loved staying home during winter time because you had the chance to stay warm while admiring the beautiful snow falling down on the ground
but it was one of those rare occasions you agreed to go out for a drive in the late afternoon. after a couple of hours you arrived to the beach, and as soon as you left the car it started to snow
it felt like an out of body experience, seeing snow fall down on the beach. it was a beautiful sight
trinity wasted no time in grabbing some snow and throwing it at you, starting a small snow throwing game in the middle of the beach
before you knew it she pulled you to her, your chest pressed against hers before she brushed the hair put of your face and pulled you into a kiss
and even though it was freezing, you swore you could melt right then and there
you felt the tears come up to your eyes and even though you tried to make them go away, you failed tremendously. you walked out to the kitchen and yanked open the fridge door, opening one of the beers and taking a big swing, relishing the burn of the alcohol down your throat
you grabbed the rest of the cans and sat down on the floor, opening one after the other. you didn’t realize when you walked into your bathroom, two cans of beer still in your hands, and turned on the shower
it was all an automatic action, you took off your clothes and got under the shower before opening the two beers left and drinking them under the stream of water. by the time you finished them the situation seemed to dawn on you and you let out a dry chuckle
‘i regret you and what i let slide, i resent you for taking her side’
you remember as clear as day the moment it all started to go downhill
it was a fairly normal day. the pitt was bustling with a lot of patients and back-to-back traumas in little time. robby walked out of trauma one after asking you to please tell trinity to finish her charting while she taught her portion of the r1s and medical students
you walked out of the trauma room five minutes after, walking around the er to look for trinity and tell her what robby had asked you to
you finally caught a glimpse of her back making her way into the south corridor that led straight to one of the many staircases in the building. you quietly walked after her and were about to call her name when you noticed garcia pulling her into a tight hug before she softly squeezed trin’s waist
you walked backwards, heart on your throat, and went back inside the er. dana saw your expression when you reached the nurses’s station but you avoided her and walked straight out to the ambulance bay
it hadn’t been the first time you noticed something between the both of them but that didn’t make it hurt any less. the first time had been some pictures of the both of them from the time they were together, trinity had said she hadn’t had the chance to delete them, but in more than one occasion you saw her gazing at the pictures before locking her phone or closing the app. there was another occasion where she called trin to let her know something about her surgical fellowship, you didn’t understand why she was still entertaining the conversations, but when you brought it up she just shrugged and casually said they were friends, and that ‘friends talk about work stuff’
the tipping point was the constant occurrences of those ‘friendly’ situations and when you finally exploded she looked at you like you were being unreasonable. that was the first real and deep crack in your relationship
you sighed, rubbing your eyes, and turned to your side to force yourself to fall asleep
‘it’s bone dry, bitter and hollow. you’ll be miles away tomorrow. why’d i try at all?’
the decision was taken and no matter how much jack or dana or robby or anyone really begged you, you were finally leaving pittsburgh behind
your third year of residency was wrapping up and with it came new opportunities career-wise
you had applied for a transfer to different residency programs and were more than happy to hear back from mass gen to start as early as you could. they had loved your curriculum and everything you had accomplished in your three years as a resident at ptmc and you were more than happy to leave behind a place that had torn you to pieces for a new place where you could have the chance to piece yourself back together
you knew your last month was going to be an emotional and complicated one, saying goodbye often was, and while you were ready a part of you was desperately trying to cling on to what you did know, the people that you loved and that loved you. but a change was necessary
the last shift felt like a big bad joke. everything that could go wrong, went wrong, and everything that you wanted to go right, didn’t go that way
after you did your night rounds and successfully handed over every single one of your patients, princess and perlah clung to your sides, hugging you and messing with your hair
selfishly, a part of you was happy. your friends had kindly planned a small goodbye party for you in the break room. the table was filled with all your favorite snacks and you laughed when you noticed the string made of poorly edited cutouts of your face with party hats
you thanked everyone, giving out and receiving hugs from everyone present. well, almost everyone
trinity was looking at you with an expression you didn’t know how to interpret, leaning against the door and holding a red cup to her lips
mel and langdon pulled you out of the little staring contest between the two of you to give you a small gift bag. you hugged them and opened the gift, seeing a small picture album filled with pictures of everyone present from the three years you had spent together
you felt your eyes fill with tears. not only because of the gift but because of everything that had happened in less than six months; the end of your relationship, the sadness that lingered, and the decision of leaving behind the place you’d learned to call home and the people you’d learned to call family
your heart felt impossibly heavy during the flight to massachusetts but the moment you walked into what you would slowly turn into your new home, your heart felt a little less heavy
unpacking everything didn’t feel like a chore. it felt fun, light, and necessary. it was the first time in almost two months you felt something else other than the never ending sadness
nervousness for what lay ahead of you
and still sadness for what you had left behind
‘tell me something honest so the memories turn dark. the memories go dark. go dark’
cw: sad vibes all around and italics for lyrics and some memories. that’s it i think. this was written in like an hour with ‘cigarette smoke’ by olivia rodrigo playing on repeat and also i was remembering some things of my last relationship while writing this so some things did happen irl. not proofread whatsoever but if i happen to see some mistake later on trust it’ll be fixed!
hope you enjoy. comments, likes, and reblogs are always appreciated
‘cigarette smoke […] clings to my clothes, seeps into my bones’
the mid-september weather welcomed you as you stepped out of your house for the first time in what felt like forever. your eyes felt as puffy as they seemed to be and your shirt was clinging uncomfortably on your shoulders
you felt weird, like you were floating mid air as you started your run, not fully feeling the ground beneath your feet as you picked up the pace
to the rhythm of the songs you were blasting in your headphones
it was an impromptu decision, going out for a run after a long week of staying home under the covers basically inhaling whatever little food you had at home
truth was, you weren’t okay. even if you tried to fool your godfather—and a little of yourself—you both knew the breakup had done a big deal of damage to whatever pace you’d picked up and enjoyed in the past two years
it was fairly early—4 am to be exact—and even though the day was barely starting, it felt like you had been awake for a week straight. you barely slept and barely ate, surviving off pure sadness and that air of tiredness that floated above you
you tried to clear your mind—that was the whole purpose of that sudden decision of going out for a run at 4 am—but the memories just came to your mind, clouding whatever little bit of stability you had left
‘whatever happens, we’ll stick together’ trinity mumbled under her breath, linking her pinky with yours, ‘second year ends soon, after that we can go up to new york for a couple days and enjoy a full weekend just the two of us’
you shook your head at the memory, trying to will away the tears that were forming in your eyes and the inevitable new tear that appeared in your heart
you picked up the pace, running over and over again through your street, passing the damned lavender house you used to say would be yours in a couple years time
‘i know mrs jones wants to retire in a couple of years and move down to florida to be near her daughter and grandchildren’ you mindlessly mentioned one day while you walked hand in hand with trinity down the street a random april day
‘maybe it’ll be ours to start our own family’ she smiled at you, softly squeezing your hand as if it was just a simple comment. but even though your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest you decided to pretend it didn’t have that impact on you and kept walking, a small smile adorning your face
the tears were flowing freely down your face by that point, and unknowingly, you had stopped in front of the house to just stare at it
it was way past 6 by the time you noticed you had been standing there staring straight to the house and you finally got the courage to leave when mrs jones stepped outside, greeting you and offering a cup of coffee for you to start your day
‘it’s a real quiet house […] five beers in the fridge and the second car’s gone’
you realized you hated being home when you walked inside and finally realized how quiet it was and how empty it felt
you stood in the kitchen door for a couple of minutes, staring straight into the now empty fridge door that used to be full of pictures of your relationship until you finally shook your head and walked to grab some cold water
the first things you saw were the unopened beers she had left in the back of your fridge and scoffed out a dry laugh at the absurdity of the situation
the cold water went down your throat with a delicious burn you didn’t know you missed and you didn’t think twice before you walked straight to the shower to wash away the sadness and sweat that adorned your skin
everything you were doing felt like automatic actions. shower, brush your teeth and hair, get dressed, eat, wash the dishes, rinse and repeat
your phone rang a couple times before you decided to check it, seeing texts from jack, your godfather, asking how things were going, but you just turned it off and tossed it on the nightstand. laying back on your bed and staring at the ceiling you started reminiscing about everything that had gone down in those last months, a routine you seemed to be mastering as the days went by
you didn’t notice when you fell asleep, but by the time you woke up it was very bright outside. you checked the time and groaned, it was past 2 pm and you had promised jack you’d help him box some old stuff to store it in his garage
you stood up and changed out of your home clothes to make your way outside to where your car was parked
you stopped dead in your tracks as you realized you were opening the passenger door instead of the driver’s one and blinked fast before going around the car to open the correct door and make your way to jack’s house
‘i regret you and how long i stayed […] i thought that we played the perfect couple ‘til you didn’t want the part’
everything felt like a chore. waking up, doing your morning routine, cooking, eating, even drinking water felt almost impossible to do
your body felt heavy, the devastating mixture of tiredness and sadness slowly catching up to you and dragging you down to a place your saddest thoughts were waiting to welcome you with open arms
every step you took felt heavy. that heaviness that felt final and was charged with every single emotion you had held in for a long time
you checked the time for what felt like the millionth time. you had agreed to meet up with trinity after her shift, taking advantage of the couple free days you had ahead thanks to jack and the schedule he had amazingly crafted for a quick trip to the beach
your phone buzzed, a text from trinity coming through
‘sorry, can’t go rn. garcia finally had some free time to teach me the sutures we were talking about. ily, see you tomorrow <3’
you huffed in annoyance, blocking your phone, and turned to look at your suitcase. ‘whatever,’ you thought, ‘i better start unpacking’
you noticed a picture you had up on a shelf. whitaker’s face was scrunched up in a happy expression, trinity was holding up her middle finger, and you were mockingly biting dennis’ cheek. a soft smile crept up on your face as you remembered that day. it had been a rare day when the three of you were off at the same time so, naturally, an impromptu trip to the arcade downtown was born and you remembered that day as if it had been yesterday. your smile soured the moment you remembered that it had been the day where you and trinity had tried on a bunch of different beach outfits, pretending to model them so whitaker could give you both his opinions about each of them a couple weeks before you had to cancel the trip you were so excited for
‘some nights can be so fucking lonely but it’s better than begging you to stand up for me’
you used to hate sleeping alongside someone else. you loved your bed and that it was entirely yours up until the moment trinity santos waltzed into your life and used you so much as her personal cuddle pillow that you ended up loving it enough that you couldn’t really fall asleep without her holding you
it felt like a slap to your face the first night you had to spend fully on your own right after the breakup
and it felt like life or the universe or whatever loved to slap you whenever you as much as placed a finger on your bed
that loneliness you used to welcome with good energy now threatened to swallow you whole. your bed felt a thousand times bigger and colder than before. and you hated that. you hated that the love you once appreciated had damaged that receptivity for being alone, twisting it to the most horrible feeling of loneliness you never thought you’d ever feel
it was a particularly hard day. your photos app had shown you some suggested pictures of what had been some of the best moments in your relationship
you loved staying home during winter time because you had the chance to stay warm while admiring the beautiful snow falling down on the ground
but it was one of those rare occasions you agreed to go out for a drive in the late afternoon. after a couple of hours you arrived to the beach, and as soon as you left the car it started to snow
it felt like an out of body experience, seeing snow fall down on the beach. it was a beautiful sight
trinity wasted no time in grabbing some snow and throwing it at you, starting a small snow throwing game in the middle of the beach
before you knew it she pulled you to her, your chest pressed against hers before she brushed the hair put of your face and pulled you into a kiss
and even though it was freezing, you swore you could melt right then and there
you felt the tears come up to your eyes and even though you tried to make them go away, you failed tremendously. you walked out to the kitchen and yanked open the fridge door, opening one of the beers and taking a big swing, relishing the burn of the alcohol down your throat
you grabbed the rest of the cans and sat down on the floor, opening one after the other. you didn’t realize when you walked into your bathroom, two cans of beer still in your hands, and turned on the shower
it was all an automatic action, you took off your clothes and got under the shower before opening the two beers left and drinking them under the stream of water. by the time you finished them the situation seemed to dawn on you and you let out a dry chuckle
‘i regret you and what i let slide, i resent you for taking her side’
you remember as clear as day the moment it all started to go downhill
it was a fairly normal day. the pitt was bustling with a lot of patients and back-to-back traumas in little time. robby walked out of trauma one after asking you to please tell trinity to finish her charting while she taught her portion of the r1s and medical students
you walked out of the trauma room five minutes after, walking around the er to look for trinity and tell her what robby had asked you to
you finally caught a glimpse of her back making her way into the south corridor that led straight to one of the many staircases in the building. you quietly walked after her and were about to call her name when you noticed garcia pulling her into a tight hug before she softly squeezed trin’s waist
you walked backwards, heart on your throat, and went back inside the er. dana saw your expression when you reached the nurses’s station but you avoided her and walked straight out to the ambulance bay
it hadn’t been the first time you noticed something between the both of them but that didn’t make it hurt any less. the first time had been some pictures of the both of them from the time they were together, trinity had said she hadn’t had the chance to delete them, but in more than one occasion you saw her gazing at the pictures before locking her phone or closing the app. there was another occasion where she called trin to let her know something about her surgical fellowship, you didn’t understand why she was still entertaining the conversations, but when you brought it up she just shrugged and casually said they were friends, and that ‘friends talk about work stuff’
the tipping point was the constant occurrences of those ‘friendly’ situations and when you finally exploded she looked at you like you were being unreasonable. that was the first real and deep crack in your relationship
you sighed, rubbing your eyes, and turned to your side to force yourself to fall asleep
‘it’s bone dry, bitter and hollow. you’ll be miles away tomorrow. why’d i try at all?’
the decision was taken and no matter how much jack or dana or robby or anyone really begged you, you were finally leaving pittsburgh behind
your third year of residency was wrapping up and with it came new opportunities career-wise
you had applied for a transfer to different residency programs and were more than happy to hear back from mass gen to start as early as you could. they had loved your curriculum and everything you had accomplished in your three years as a resident at ptmc and you were more than happy to leave behind a place that had torn you to pieces for a new place where you could have the chance to piece yourself back together
you knew your last month was going to be an emotional and complicated one, saying goodbye often was, and while you were ready a part of you was desperately trying to cling on to what you did know, the people that you loved and that loved you. but a change was necessary
the last shift felt like a big bad joke. everything that could go wrong, went wrong, and everything that you wanted to go right, didn’t go that way
after you did your night rounds and successfully handed over every single one of your patients, princess and perlah clung to your sides, hugging you and messing with your hair
selfishly, a part of you was happy. your friends had kindly planned a small goodbye party for you in the break room. the table was filled with all your favorite snacks and you laughed when you noticed the string made of poorly edited cutouts of your face with party hats
you thanked everyone, giving out and receiving hugs from everyone present. well, almost everyone
trinity was looking at you with an expression you didn’t know how to interpret, leaning against the door and holding a red cup to her lips
mel and langdon pulled you out of the little staring contest between the two of you to give you a small gift bag. you hugged them and opened the gift, seeing a small picture album filled with pictures of everyone present from the three years you had spent together
you felt your eyes fill with tears. not only because of the gift but because of everything that had happened in less than six months; the end of your relationship, the sadness that lingered, and the decision of leaving behind the place you’d learned to call home and the people you’d learned to call family
your heart felt impossibly heavy during the flight to massachusetts but the moment you walked into what you would slowly turn into your new home, your heart felt a little less heavy
unpacking everything didn’t feel like a chore. it felt fun, light, and necessary. it was the first time in almost two months you felt something else other than the never ending sadness
nervousness for what lay ahead of you
and still sadness for what you had left behind
‘tell me something honest so the memories turn dark. the memories go dark. go dark’
cw: sad vibes all around and italics for lyrics and some memories. that’s it i think. this was written in like an hour with ‘cigarette smoke’ by olivia rodrigo playing on repeat and also i was remembering some things of my last relationship while writing this so some things did happen irl. not proofread whatsoever but if i happen to see some mistake later on trust it’ll be fixed!
hope you enjoy. comments, likes, and reblogs are always appreciated
‘cigarette smoke […] clings to my clothes, seeps into my bones’
the mid-september weather welcomed you as you stepped out of your house for the first time in what felt like forever. your eyes felt as puffy as they seemed to be and your shirt was clinging uncomfortably on your shoulders
you felt weird, like you were floating mid air as you started your run, not fully feeling the ground beneath your feet as you picked up the pace
to the rhythm of the songs you were blasting in your headphones
it was an impromptu decision, going out for a run after a long week of staying home under the covers basically inhaling whatever little food you had at home
truth was, you weren’t okay. even if you tried to fool your godfather—and a little of yourself—you both knew the breakup had done a big deal of damage to whatever pace you’d picked up and enjoyed in the past two years
it was fairly early—4 am to be exact—and even though the day was barely starting, it felt like you had been awake for a week straight. you barely slept and barely ate, surviving off pure sadness and that air of tiredness that floated above you
you tried to clear your mind—that was the whole purpose of that sudden decision of going out for a run at 4 am—but the memories just came to your mind, clouding whatever little bit of stability you had left
‘whatever happens, we’ll stick together’ trinity mumbled under her breath, linking her pinky with yours, ‘second year ends soon, after that we can go up to new york for a couple days and enjoy a full weekend just the two of us’
you shook your head at the memory, trying to will away the tears that were forming in your eyes and the inevitable new tear that appeared in your heart
you picked up the pace, running over and over again through your street, passing the damned lavender house you used to say would be yours in a couple years time
‘i know mrs jones wants to retire in a couple of years and move down to florida to be near her daughter and grandchildren’ you mindlessly mentioned one day while you walked hand in hand with trinity down the street a random april day
‘maybe it’ll be ours to start our own family’ she smiled at you, softly squeezing your hand as if it was just a simple comment. but even though your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest you decided to pretend it didn’t have that impact on you and kept walking, a small smile adorning your face
the tears were flowing freely down your face by that point, and unknowingly, you had stopped in front of the house to just stare at it
it was way past 6 by the time you noticed you had been standing there staring straight to the house and you finally got the courage to leave when mrs jones stepped outside, greeting you and offering a cup of coffee for you to start your day
‘it’s a real quiet house […] five beers in the fridge and the second car’s gone’
you realized you hated being home when you walked inside and finally realized how quiet it was and how empty it felt
you stood in the kitchen door for a couple of minutes, staring straight into the now empty fridge door that used to be full of pictures of your relationship until you finally shook your head and walked to grab some cold water
the first things you saw were the unopened beers she had left in the back of your fridge and scoffed out a dry laugh at the absurdity of the situation
the cold water went down your throat with a delicious burn you didn’t know you missed and you didn’t think twice before you walked straight to the shower to wash away the sadness and sweat that adorned your skin
everything you were doing felt like automatic actions. shower, brush your teeth and hair, get dressed, eat, wash the dishes, rinse and repeat
your phone rang a couple times before you decided to check it, seeing texts from jack, your godfather, asking how things were going, but you just turned it off and tossed it on the nightstand. laying back on your bed and staring at the ceiling you started reminiscing about everything that had gone down in those last months, a routine you seemed to be mastering as the days went by
you didn’t notice when you fell asleep, but by the time you woke up it was very bright outside. you checked the time and groaned, it was past 2 pm and you had promised jack you’d help him box some old stuff to store it in his garage
you stood up and changed out of your home clothes to make your way outside to where your car was parked
you stopped dead in your tracks as you realized you were opening the passenger door instead of the driver’s one and blinked fast before going around the car to open the correct door and make your way to jack’s house
‘i regret you and how long i stayed […] i thought that we played the perfect couple ‘til you didn’t want the part’
everything felt like a chore. waking up, doing your morning routine, cooking, eating, even drinking water felt almost impossible to do
your body felt heavy, the devastating mixture of tiredness and sadness slowly catching up to you and dragging you down to a place your saddest thoughts were waiting to welcome you with open arms
every step you took felt heavy. that heaviness that felt final and was charged with every single emotion you had held in for a long time
you checked the time for what felt like the millionth time. you had agreed to meet up with trinity after her shift, taking advantage of the couple free days you had ahead thanks to jack and the schedule he had amazingly crafted for a quick trip to the beach
your phone buzzed, a text from trinity coming through
‘sorry, can’t go rn. garcia finally had some free time to teach me the sutures we were talking about. ily, see you tomorrow <3’
you huffed in annoyance, blocking your phone, and turned to look at your suitcase. ‘whatever,’ you thought, ‘i better start unpacking’
you noticed a picture you had up on a shelf. whitaker’s face was scrunched up in a happy expression, trinity was holding up her middle finger, and you were mockingly biting dennis’ cheek. a soft smile crept up on your face as you remembered that day. it had been a rare day when the three of you were off at the same time so, naturally, an impromptu trip to the arcade downtown was born and you remembered that day as if it had been yesterday. your smile soured the moment you remembered that it had been the day where you and trinity had tried on a bunch of different beach outfits, pretending to model them so whitaker could give you both his opinions about each of them a couple weeks before you had to cancel the trip you were so excited for
‘some nights can be so fucking lonely but it’s better than begging you to stand up for me’
you used to hate sleeping alongside someone else. you loved your bed and that it was entirely yours up until the moment trinity santos waltzed into your life and used you so much as her personal cuddle pillow that you ended up loving it enough that you couldn’t really fall asleep without her holding you
it felt like a slap to your face the first night you had to spend fully on your own right after the breakup
and it felt like life or the universe or whatever loved to slap you whenever you as much as placed a finger on your bed
that loneliness you used to welcome with good energy now threatened to swallow you whole. your bed felt a thousand times bigger and colder than before. and you hated that. you hated that the love you once appreciated had damaged that receptivity for being alone, twisting it to the most horrible feeling of loneliness you never thought you’d ever feel
it was a particularly hard day. your photos app had shown you some suggested pictures of what had been some of the best moments in your relationship
you loved staying home during winter time because you had the chance to stay warm while admiring the beautiful snow falling down on the ground
but it was one of those rare occasions you agreed to go out for a drive in the late afternoon. after a couple of hours you arrived to the beach, and as soon as you left the car it started to snow
it felt like an out of body experience, seeing snow fall down on the beach. it was a beautiful sight
trinity wasted no time in grabbing some snow and throwing it at you, starting a small snow throwing game in the middle of the beach
before you knew it she pulled you to her, your chest pressed against hers before she brushed the hair put of your face and pulled you into a kiss
and even though it was freezing, you swore you could melt right then and there
you felt the tears come up to your eyes and even though you tried to make them go away, you failed tremendously. you walked out to the kitchen and yanked open the fridge door, opening one of the beers and taking a big swing, relishing the burn of the alcohol down your throat
you grabbed the rest of the cans and sat down on the floor, opening one after the other. you didn’t realize when you walked into your bathroom, two cans of beer still in your hands, and turned on the shower
it was all an automatic action, you took off your clothes and got under the shower before opening the two beers left and drinking them under the stream of water. by the time you finished them the situation seemed to dawn on you and you let out a dry chuckle
‘i regret you and what i let slide, i resent you for taking her side’
you remember as clear as day the moment it all started to go downhill
it was a fairly normal day. the pitt was bustling with a lot of patients and back-to-back traumas in little time. robby walked out of trauma one after asking you to please tell trinity to finish her charting while she taught her portion of the r1s and medical students
you walked out of the trauma room five minutes after, walking around the er to look for trinity and tell her what robby had asked you to
you finally caught a glimpse of her back making her way into the south corridor that led straight to one of the many staircases in the building. you quietly walked after her and were about to call her name when you noticed garcia pulling her into a tight hug before she softly squeezed trin’s waist
you walked backwards, heart on your throat, and went back inside the er. dana saw your expression when you reached the nurses’s station but you avoided her and walked straight out to the ambulance bay
it hadn’t been the first time you noticed something between the both of them but that didn’t make it hurt any less. the first time had been some pictures of the both of them from the time they were together, trinity had said she hadn’t had the chance to delete them, but in more than one occasion you saw her gazing at the pictures before locking her phone or closing the app. there was another occasion where she called trin to let her know something about her surgical fellowship, you didn’t understand why she was still entertaining the conversations, but when you brought it up she just shrugged and casually said they were friends, and that ‘friends talk about work stuff’
the tipping point was the constant occurrences of those ‘friendly’ situations and when you finally exploded she looked at you like you were being unreasonable. that was the first real and deep crack in your relationship
you sighed, rubbing your eyes, and turned to your side to force yourself to fall asleep
‘it’s bone dry, bitter and hollow. you’ll be miles away tomorrow. why’d i try at all?’
the decision was taken and no matter how much jack or dana or robby or anyone really begged you, you were finally leaving pittsburgh behind
your third year of residency was wrapping up and with it came new opportunities career-wise
you had applied for a transfer to different residency programs and were more than happy to hear back from mass gen to start as early as you could. they had loved your curriculum and everything you had accomplished in your three years as a resident at ptmc and you were more than happy to leave behind a place that had torn you to pieces for a new place where you could have the chance to piece yourself back together
you knew your last month was going to be an emotional and complicated one, saying goodbye often was, and while you were ready a part of you was desperately trying to cling on to what you did know, the people that you loved and that loved you. but a change was necessary
the last shift felt like a big bad joke. everything that could go wrong, went wrong, and everything that you wanted to go right, didn’t go that way
after you did your night rounds and successfully handed over every single one of your patients, princess and perlah clung to your sides, hugging you and messing with your hair
selfishly, a part of you was happy. your friends had kindly planned a small goodbye party for you in the break room. the table was filled with all your favorite snacks and you laughed when you noticed the string made of poorly edited cutouts of your face with party hats
you thanked everyone, giving out and receiving hugs from everyone present. well, almost everyone
trinity was looking at you with an expression you didn’t know how to interpret, leaning against the door and holding a red cup to her lips
mel and langdon pulled you out of the little staring contest between the two of you to give you a small gift bag. you hugged them and opened the gift, seeing a small picture album filled with pictures of everyone present from the three years you had spent together
you felt your eyes fill with tears. not only because of the gift but because of everything that had happened in less than six months; the end of your relationship, the sadness that lingered, and the decision of leaving behind the place you’d learned to call home and the people you’d learned to call family
your heart felt impossibly heavy during the flight to massachusetts but the moment you walked into what you would slowly turn into your new home, your heart felt a little less heavy
unpacking everything didn’t feel like a chore. it felt fun, light, and necessary. it was the first time in almost two months you felt something else other than the never ending sadness
nervousness for what lay ahead of you
and still sadness for what you had left behind
‘tell me something honest so the memories turn dark. the memories go dark. go dark’
cw: sad vibes all around and italics for lyrics and some memories. that’s it i think. this was written in like an hour with ‘cigarette smoke’ by olivia rodrigo playing on repeat and also i was remembering some things of my last relationship while writing this so some things did happen irl. not proofread whatsoever but if i happen to see some mistake later on trust it’ll be fixed!
hope you enjoy. comments, likes, and reblogs are always appreciated
‘cigarette smoke […] clings to my clothes, seeps into my bones’
the mid-september weather welcomed you as you stepped out of your house for the first time in what felt like forever. your eyes felt as puffy as they seemed to be and your shirt was clinging uncomfortably on your shoulders
you felt weird, like you were floating mid air as you started your run, not fully feeling the ground beneath your feet as you picked up the pace to the rhythm of the songs you were blasting in your headphones
it was an impromptu decision, going out for a run after a long week of staying home under the covers basically inhaling whatever little food you had at home
truth was, you weren’t okay. even if you tried to fool your godfather—and a little of yourself—you both knew the breakup had done a big deal of damage to whatever pace you’d picked up and enjoyed in the past two years
it was fairly early—4 am to be exact—and even though the day was barely starting, it felt like you had been awake for a week straight. you barely slept and barely ate, surviving off pure sadness and that air of tiredness that floated above you
you tried to clear your mind—that was the whole purpose of that sudden decision of going out for a run at 4 am—but the memories just came to your mind, clouding whatever little bit of stability you had left
‘whatever happens, we’ll stick together’ trinity mumbled under her breath, linking her pinky with yours, ‘second year ends soon, after that we can go up to new york for a couple days and enjoy a full weekend just the two of us’
you shook your head at the memory, trying to will away the tears that were forming in your eyes and the inevitable new tear that appeared in your heart
you picked up the pace, running over and over again through your street, passing the damned lavender house you used to say would be yours in a couple years time
‘i know mrs jones wants to retire in a couple of years and move down to florida to be near her daughter and grandchildren’ you mindlessly mentioned one day while you walked hand in hand with trinity down the street a random april day
‘maybe it’ll be ours to start our own family’ she smiled at you, softly squeezing your hand as if it was just a simple comment. but even though your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest you decided to pretend it didn’t have that impact on you and kept walking, a small smile adorning your face
the tears were flowing freely down your face by that point, and unknowingly, you had stopped in front of the house to just stare at it
it was way past 6 by the time you noticed you had been standing there staring straight to the house and you finally got the courage to leave when mrs jones stepped outside, greeting you and offering a cup of coffee for you to start your day
‘it’s a real quiet house […] five beers in the fridge and the second car’s gone’
you realized you hated being home when you walked inside and finally realized how quiet it was and how empty it felt
you stood in the kitchen door for a couple of minutes, staring straight into the now empty fridge door that used to be full of pictures of your relationship until you finally shook your head and walked to grab some cold water
the first things you saw were the unopened beers she had left in the back of your fridge and scoffed out a dry laugh at the absurdity of the situation
the cold water went down your throat with a delicious burn you didn’t know you missed and you didn’t think twice before you walked straight to the shower to wash away the sadness and sweat that adorned your skin
everything you were doing felt like automatic actions. shower, brush your teeth and hair, get dressed, eat, wash the dishes, rinse and repeat
your phone rang a couple times before you decided to check it, seeing texts from jack, your godfather, asking how things were going, but you just turned it off and tossed it on the nightstand. laying back on your bed and staring at the ceiling you started reminiscing about everything that had gone down in those last months, a routine you seemed to be mastering as the days went by
you didn’t notice when you fell asleep, but by the time you woke up it was very bright outside. you checked the time and groaned, it was past 2 pm and you had promised jack you’d help him box some old stuff to store it in his garage
you stood up and changed out of your home clothes to make your way outside to where your car was parked
you stopped dead in your tracks as you realized you were opening the passenger door instead of the driver’s one and blinked fast before going around the car to open the correct door and make your way to jack’s house
‘i regret you and how long i stayed […] i thought that we played the perfect couple ‘til you didn’t want the part’
everything felt like a chore. waking up, doing your morning routine, cooking, eating, even drinking water felt almost impossible to do
your body felt heavy, the devastating mixture of tiredness and sadness slowly catching up to you and dragging you down to a place your saddest thoughts were waiting to welcome you with open arms
every step you took felt heavy. that heaviness that felt final and was charged with every single emotion you had held in for a long time
you checked the time for what felt like the millionth time. you had agreed to meet up with trinity after her shift, taking advantage of the couple free days you had ahead thanks to jack and the schedule he had amazingly crafted for a quick trip to the beach
your phone buzzed, a text from trinity coming through
‘sorry, can’t go rn. garcia finally had some free time to teach me the sutures we were talking about. ily, see you tomorrow <3’
you huffed in annoyance, blocking your phone, and turned to look at your suitcase. ‘whatever,’ you thought, ‘i better start unpacking’
you noticed a picture you had up on a shelf. whitaker’s face was scrunched up in a happy expression, trinity was holding up her middle finger, and you were mockingly biting dennis’ cheek. a soft smile crept up on your face as you remembered that day. it had been a rare day when the three of you were off at the same time so, naturally, an impromptu trip to the arcade downtown was born and you remembered that day as if it had been yesterday. your smile soured the moment you remembered that it had been the day where you and trinity had tried on a bunch of different beach outfits, pretending to model them so whitaker could give you both his opinions about each of them a couple weeks before you had to cancel the trip you were so excited for
‘some nights can be so fucking lonely but it’s better than begging you to stand up for me’
you used to hate sleeping alongside someone else. you loved your bed and that it was entirely yours up until the moment trinity santos waltzed into your life and used you so much as her personal cuddle pillow that you ended up loving it enough that you couldn’t really fall asleep without her holding you
it felt like a slap to your face the first night you had to spend fully on your own right after the breakup
and it felt like life or the universe or whatever loved to slap you whenever you as much as placed a finger on your bed
that loneliness you used to welcome with good energy now threatened to swallow you whole. your bed felt a thousand times bigger and colder than before. and you hated that. you hated that the love you once appreciated had damaged that receptivity for being alone, twisting it to the most horrible feeling of loneliness you never thought you’d ever feel
it was a particularly hard day. your photos app had shown you some suggested pictures of what had been some of the best moments in your relationship
you loved staying home during winter time because you had the chance to stay warm while admiring the beautiful snow falling down on the ground
but it was one of those rare occasions you agreed to go out for a drive in the late afternoon. after a couple of hours you arrived to the beach, and as soon as you left the car it started to snow
it felt like an out of body experience, seeing snow fall down on the beach. it was a beautiful sight
trinity wasted no time in grabbing some snow and throwing it at you, starting a small snow throwing game in the middle of the beach
before you knew it she pulled you to her, your chest pressed against hers before she brushed the hair put of your face and pulled you into a kiss
and even though it was freezing, you swore you could melt right then and there
you felt the tears come up to your eyes and even though you tried to make them go away, you failed tremendously. you walked out to the kitchen and yanked open the fridge door, opening one of the beers and taking a big swing, relishing the burn of the alcohol down your throat
you grabbed the rest of the cans and sat down on the floor, opening one after the other. you didn’t realize when you walked into your bathroom, two cans of beer still in your hands, and turned on the shower
it was all an automatic action, you took off your clothes and got under the shower before opening the two beers left and drinking them under the stream of water. by the time you finished them the situation seemed to dawn on you and you let out a dry chuckle
‘i regret you and what i let slide, i resent you for taking her side’
you remember as clear as day the moment it all started to go downhill
it was a fairly normal day. the pitt was bustling with a lot of patients and back-to-back traumas in little time. robby walked out of trauma one after asking you to please tell trinity to finish her charting while she taught her portion of the r1s and medical students
you walked out of the trauma room five minutes after, walking around the er to look for trinity and tell her what robby had asked you to
you finally caught a glimpse of her back making her way into the south corridor that led straight to one of the many staircases in the building. you quietly walked after her and were about to call her name when you noticed garcia pulling her into a tight hug before she softly squeezed trin’s waist
you walked backwards, heart on your throat, and went back inside the er. dana saw your expression when you reached the nurses’s station but you avoided her and walked straight out to the ambulance bay
it hadn’t been the first time you noticed something between the both of them but that didn’t make it hurt any less. the first time had been some pictures of the both of them from the time they were together, trinity had said she hadn’t had the chance to delete them, but in more than one occasion you saw her gazing at the pictures before locking her phone or closing the app. there was another occasion where she called trin to let her know something about her surgical fellowship, you didn’t understand why she was still entertaining the conversations, but when you brought it up she just shrugged and casually said they were friends, and that ‘friends talk about work stuff’
the tipping point was the constant occurrences of those ‘friendly’ situations and when you finally exploded she looked at you like you were being unreasonable. that was the first real and deep crack in your relationship
you sighed, rubbing your eyes, and turned to your side to force yourself to fall asleep
‘it’s bone dry, bitter and hollow. you’ll be miles away tomorrow. why’d i try at all?’
the decision was taken and no matter how much jack or dana or robby or anyone really begged you, you were finally leaving pittsburgh behind
your third year of residency was wrapping up and with it came new opportunities career-wise
you had applied for a transfer to different residency programs and were more than happy to hear back from mass gen to start as early as you could. they had loved your curriculum and everything you had accomplished in your three years as a resident at ptmc and you were more than happy to leave behind a place that had torn you to pieces for a new place where you could have the chance to piece yourself back together
you knew your last month was going to be an emotional and complicated one, saying goodbye often was, and while you were ready a part of you was desperately trying to cling on to what you did know, the people that you loved and that loved you. but a change was necessary
the last shift felt like a big bad joke. everything that could go wrong, went wrong, and everything that you wanted to go right, didn’t go that way
after you did your night rounds and successfully handed over every single one of your patients, princess and perlah clung to your sides, hugging you and messing with your hair
selfishly, a part of you was happy. your friends had kindly planned a small goodbye party for you in the break room. the table was filled with all your favorite snacks and you laughed when you noticed the string made of poorly edited cutouts of your face with party hats
you thanked everyone, giving out and receiving hugs from everyone present. well, almost everyone
trinity was looking at you with an expression you didn’t know how to interpret, leaning against the door and holding a red cup to her lips
mel and langdon pulled you out of the little staring contest between the two of you to give you a small gift bag. you hugged them and opened the gift, seeing a small picture album filled with pictures of everyone present from the three years you had spent together
you felt your eyes fill with tears. not only because of the gift but because of everything that had happened in less than six months; the end of your relationship, the sadness that lingered, and the decision of leaving behind the place you’d learned to call home and the people you’d learned to call family
your heart felt impossibly heavy during the flight to massachusetts but the moment you walked into what you would slowly turn into your new home, your heart felt a little less heavy
unpacking everything didn’t feel like a chore. it felt fun, light, and necessary. it was the first time in almost two months you felt something else other than the never ending sadness
nervousness for what lay ahead of you
and still sadness for what you had left behind
‘tell me something honest so the memories turn dark. the memories go dark. go dark’
there was a time in your life where you thought you would have one of those happy endings with mark; a happy and long-lasting marriage, a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a big backyard for your kids to run around and play, maybe even a couple of pets. you thought you’d get to have that happy ending
until that damn plane crash happened and your husband died a month before your daughter came into this world
there was a time in his life where jack abbot thought he would have one of those happy endings with his wife; a happy and long-lasting marriage, a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a big backyard for your kids to run around and play, maybe even a couple of dogs. he thought he’d get to have that happy ending
until his wife died and left him alone back in that dark hole he had fought tooth and nail to get out of in the first place
thanks to that dark twist of fate, your paths intersected. and even if neither of you thought you would have the opportunity to find love ever again, life always found a funny way to surprise you
tags/descriptions: former grey sloan doctor, mentions of death, mentions of the plane crash, reader has a daughter, mentions of jack’s leg, doctor talk that may not be accurate, vague to none physical descriptions, reader has various bug related nicknames, jackson and reader are besties, mentions of sex, possible smut, marriage, second chance at love kinda story
hey guys! i know i’ve been mia but these have been terrible days for my mental health due to a lot of things happening in my country but i’ve had this idea in my head for like a month because i was rewatching grey’s and it materialized into this
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there was a time in your life where you thought you would have one of those happy endings with mark; a happy and long-lasting marriage, a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a big backyard for your kids to run around and play, maybe even a couple of pets. you thought you’d get to have that happy ending
until that damn plane crash happened and your husband died a month before your daughter came into this world
there was a time in his life where jack abbot thought he would have one of those happy endings with his wife; a happy and long-lasting marriage, a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a big backyard for your kids to run around and play, maybe even a couple of dogs. he thought he’d get to have that happy ending
until his wife died and left him alone back in that dark hole he had fought tooth and nail to get out of in the first place
thanks to that dark twist of fate, your paths intersected. and even if neither of you thought you would have the opportunity to find love ever again, life always found a funny way to surprise you
tags/descriptions: former grey sloan doctor, mentions of death, mentions of the plane crash, reader has a daughter, mentions of jack’s leg, doctor talk that may not be accurate, vague to none physical descriptions, reader has various bug related nicknames, jackson and reader are besties, mentions of sex, possible smut, marriage, second chance at love kinda story
hey guys! i know i’ve been mia but these have been terrible days for my mental health due to a lot of things happening in my country but i’ve had this idea in my head for like a month because i was rewatching grey’s and it materialized into this
your friendship with jack develops slowly but sure
wc: 3.9k
cw: mentions of suicide, some grey's early seasons plot usage, mentions of death, medicine talk, not proofread, almost kiss, some romantic feelings here and there, jackson cameo!!
well, that was a lie, you obviously did. the day mark sloan asked you to marry him your life changed for the better
you loved him and you knew he loved you, he was the love of your life. but then he was ripped away from you and your family
you were a hundred percent sure you’d never feel romantic feelings for someone else ever again and then jack abbot walked into your life with an attitude and a wonky first impression. you didn’t blame him tho, he was genuinely curious about your career change choice, even if he didn’t display it the best he could
later on he tried to fix it. he’d leave you coffees at the start of your shift by dana’s desk at the nurses’ station or he’d buy you donuts under the blatant lie he’d bought them for everyone to eat on their free time—which was basically never since the er never truly rested—which led to a great friendship blooming between the two of you
dana and robby were always messing with you, making comments about how abbot’s semblance had changed since you first met him and though adamson tried to get them to slow down with the teasing, he also got his fix of seeing you blush whenever jack did anything remotely flirty
so, it wasn’t completely out of character for jack to ask you to eat some of the food he had delivered to the hospital on the roof when the er slowed down after a lot of ugly and grueling back-to-back cases. which was perfect, you had a chance to sit down and rest with pittsburgh’s weather slowly getting warmer
“so, after i removed the fork from her thigh he asked if he could take it home with him as a keepsake from their first date.” jack said mid bite, making you chuckle. “which, yeah sure, knock yourself out, still it was weird as hell”
you wiped your mouth with the napkin you had in hand before saying, “that’s not even close to the weirdest or like–most tragic thing i’ve seen at grey sloan” he nodded as to encourage you to keep going, taking a bite out of his burrito, “once,” you paused for a second to really think how to say it, “there was an accident, something about ferries crashing and so, we–the interns–were sent out to help triage the victims. i went with some of my friends and mer, the blond one—“
“the other owner—sorry, part owner or—wait both of them are. whatever. uh, the perky or the slightly grumpy one?”
“the slightly grumpy one.” you shook your head, “okay, uh. we went out and mer slipped and fell into the water. she kinda died and then came back”
he looked at you with a perplexed expression, “wait but that’s not weird, that’s downright depressing”
you let out an honest laugh, almost spitting out the bite of burrito in your mouth. you coughed and jack instantly started rubbing and softly patting your back to help you. you coughed one last time, covering your mouth before signaling to him that you were fine
“okay, you got a good point but” you lifted one finger “in my defense, i did say that wasn’t the weirdest thing. i still have way too many stories, even suicidal ones” you saw the expression on his face and quickly added while shaking your head, “oh my god, no, not mine”
jack and you burst into a fit of chuckles and for the first time in a while, your heart was beating so hard and fast just from being near him. you turned to him and really looked at him; the way his eyes crinkled with laughter, the stubble framing his jaw, his salt and pepper hair. he reminded you so much of mark it made your chest hurt
and, unknowing to you, jack felt the same way with you when he saw you or spent a while with you; the way your eyes got a glint whenever dana or lena or adamson or anyone said something funny, or the way your hair framed your face, your soft eyes whenever a med student nervously asked you a question. you reminded him of his wife and it also made his chest hurt
hurt with the what if—what if she hadn’t died? what if mark hadn’t been on that plane?—but also hurt with the guilt he had whenever he felt happy around you and suddenly remembered that the reason why life had brought you to the other’s life was the death of the person you each loved the most
his laughter slowly died down when he turned and saw you looking at him with such intensity he thought you’d be able to see what was running around in his mind but also with something else so he made a wild guess and tucked that stubborn strand of hair that had broken out of the messy ponytail you had done before entering a trauma a few hours earlier before he slowly leaned forward and you did too
just before you could press your lips together, your pagers started beeping loudly. you closed your eyes and licked your lips before sighing and leaning back, successfully breaking out the moment between the two of you
you stood up, quickly picking up the napkins and a bag with the trash from your food and walked towards the roof door. you paused before opening it and slightly turned around to see if he was walking behind you, when you saw him still sitting down where you had been minutes prior, you cleared your throat and said, “come on, jack. there’s a trauma waiting for us.” you opened the door and walked inside, rubbing your chest and letting out the breath you had been holding since you stood up from your place
it was your day off. therefore, no one was expecting to see you. you were supposed to be with your baby girl at home, watching a movie or baking or sleeping, especially sleeping. so it took lena by surprise when she saw you practically running inside the emergency room, pajamas on, a messy hairdo, and your baby in your arms
you walked in speaking too much too fast lena couldn’t make out your words due to your rambling, “ok, love, slow down so you can tell me what happened.” lena said softly, placing an arm around you and your baby to walk with you towards central 6
you made your best to slow down your breathing before saying, “i was in the kitchen doing the dishes and i-i-i heard a loud noise—” you stammered, “when i went to look, she had fallen down from her bed and i-i shouldn’t have left her alone, i-”
“i’m okay, mommy” ellie said with a slurred voice, almost asleep
“slow down, sweets. i’m sure everything’s fine” she took ellie from your arms, settling her down on the bed, “i’ll call a resident—”
“no. not a resident.” you interrupted her, shaking your head and wiping your runny nose with the back of your hand “call jack, please” lena nodded, grabbing a paper towel out of the box and offering it to you. you took it, using it to wipe the remaining tears off of your cheeks “thanks”
“no problem, dear. i’ll be right back” you nodded as she left the room, sitting down next to your daughter, who was laying sideways on the hospital bed entertained with a pen she had taken from lena’s scrub pocket
“what happened?” you turned your head around when you heard jack’s voice from behind you
“she fell and i don’t know how hard she hit her head or if she even hit it at all—”
jack walked over to you and your baby, taking her in his arms, “how are you, sweet princess?”
“i’m alright, jack” she answered, “i told my mommy i didn’t hit my head”
“mhm, and how did you fall?”
“i was dreaming i could fly and then i was on the floor” she shrugged and scrunched up her nose, making jack let out a soft giggle
“is that right? and what were you on, a bird or a plane?”
“don’t be silly, jack. i was flying on a unicorn” she said as if it was obvious and he laughed harder this time
“yeah, sorry, my bad” she was shaking her head with a smile on her face, toying with the stethoscope around jack’s neck
“i want you to do a ct” you said from where you were sitting, “i need you to do a ct”
“sweetheart, she’s fine—”
“please, just-“ you interrupted him, “just humour me. i need to know everything’s okay”
jack just nodded, placing ellie back on the bed. “wanna go for a ride, princess?”
ellie nodded, laying back down and telling jack everything about her dream. the ride up to radiology went by on a blur and before you knew it you were on the other side of the room, waiting for the images to come up
“sorry” you mumbled making jack turn to look at you, “i just—i was so scared, she’s never fallen off the bed.” you bit your lower lip and shook your head. jack softly placed a hand on your shoulder
“sweetheart, it’s okay. she’s okay, those things happen” he softly rubbed your back before pulling you into him to hug you when he saw your eyes filling up with tears again, “she’s fine, look” he pulled away when the images came up. you let out a sigh of relief when you saw everything was fine, “these are the cleanest images we could ever have”
you nodded but still, you started to sob again. jack pulled you into a tight hug, holding your head and rubbing your back. you spent a couple of minutes being held by him and you were eternally grateful the radiologist had stepped out when you had asked him as soon as you had gotten there
you sighed once again and let out a quick laugh, “sorry, i—” you laughed again, “i’m a freaking doctor and i panicked” you wiped your eyes, and he squeezed you harder
“you are a mom. it’s normal”
you shook your head, “if i hadn’t been so shaken up i would’ve seen she’s fine, maybe a bump in the forehead”
“it’s okay, you just had to be sure”
the ride back down was just like the one up and by the time you were settled in the pedes room for ‘observation’—as jack had ordered—your daughter was sleeping again. you were leaning back in the chair, catching a few minutes of sleep before she was discharged
“hey, you” you woke up from your nap when you heard lena’s soft voice as she walked into the room, “brought you some tea”
you took the cup from her hand, “thank you, lena.” you gave her a smile before sipping on the tea
“how’s the little princess?” she asked, leaning into the wall on her side
you gave her a tired look, “she’s doing fine. she’s been sleeping since jack left after we came back down from radiology. speaking of such, what time is it?”
“it’s a little over six. you’ve been out for like four hours” you widened your very tired eyes at that, which made lena let out a chuckle, “don’t worry, she hasn’t woken up, abbot’s been checking in every once in a while”
you nodded, rubbing the sleep from your eyes and yawned, “i’ll get going in a while. i want to let her sleep for a little more before going home”
lena smiled at you, squeezing your shoulder, “day shift’ll be here in a bit. rest for a bit more and i’ll ask dana to wake you so you can go home” you nodded, thanking her as she walked back out to the busy er so you took the chance to get your phone out and answer jackson’s texts
jack-son
⤷ wya - 6:27 am
⤷ i’ve called you like a million times, i have to tell you something - 6:28 am
⤷ also, wanna talk to my goddaughter when you get home - 6:28 am
you
⤷ hey, stranger - 6:48 am
⤷ sorry, we’re in the er - 6:49 am
⤷ el fell and hit her head so i panic rushed to the hospital - 6:49 am
⤷ also, it was supposed to be my day off so i was supposed to be sleeping - 6:49 am
jack-son
⤷ WHAT!? - 6:49 am
⤷ what happened to her!? - 6:49 am
you
⤷ she’s fine - 6:50 am
⤷ she was asleep and fell from her bed - 6:50 am
⤷ she doesn’t have a concussion, before you ask - 6:50 am
⤷ no biggie - 6:50 am
⤷ i just panicked - 6:50 am
jack-son
⤷ facetime me rn - 6:51 am
⤷ i’m so serious - 6:51 am
you rolled your eyes and stretched on your seat before pressing the facetime button and jackson picked up the call in the first ring, ‘why didn’t you tell me?’
“well, good morning to you too,” you rolled your eyes, “aren’t you a ray of sunshine?”
‘cut the sarcasm, bee. how is she?’
“she’s fine” you sighed, “i panicked and ubered here as you can notice due to my very cute outfit” you tilted the phone down to show your pajamas
jackson laughed, ‘really cute indeed, miss. did you get a head ct?’
“yes, i did” you let out a breath, “came back all clean.” you paused before adding, “apparently, jack’s been checking in on her throughout the night” you sighed, “she’s okay”
he hummed, ‘call me whenever she’s awake. i have to go pick up harriet from april’s, it’s my day off’ you heard a voice call him from behind and saw him motioning to the phone, ‘also, i have to tell you about this insanely thing that happened to me yesterday, i was—’
‘sorry, avery’ you could make out jo’s voice before you saw her face taking half the screen, ‘oh my god, hey sloan! how’s the little one?’
“hey, wilson” you gave her a small smile, “we had a little scare, but she’s doing fine.”
‘oh no, give her a ton of kisses from me please. i miss her a lot’ you smiled at the memory of jo taking care of your daughter more than once whenever you decided to pop by alex’s place. you liked her a lot and couldn’t be happier for both of them when alex told you they were finally together
“will do, wilson” you nodded and slightly turned your head when you heard the door being opened. jack was standing there, rubbing the hand sanitizer he had poured on his hands before entering the room, “guys, dr abbot’s here. gotta go”
‘call me when el wakes up, okay?’ you nodded at jackson’s request, ‘bye, bee, talk to you later’ he waved goodbye and you faintly heard jo saying no, wait. i want to see him before he hung up the call
you cleared your throat and said, “sorry. they wanted to know about ellie”
“it’s okay, bee” you rolled your eyes at his tone, “dana came in like half an hour ago and heard what happened to your girl. she wanted to come in here and take her for a spin through the er. adamson convinced her not to but she said she’d come in here to check on her”
“thank you, jack” you gave him a soft smile before sighing, “i’ll wake her up so we can get going”
“how are you going home?”
“i-i’ll uber there, i mean i ubered here.” you shrugged, “i panicked and didn’t think i could drive”
you felt like you were about to burst into tears. it was a fairly good day, the weather was great, you were on the second of four days off, and it was saturday. more importantly, it was your daughter’s fifth birthday
therefore, you were in your backyard trying to finish the decoration for the party you had planned a couple weeks before, your hair tied up in a very messy bun and the shirt you were previously donning was discarded to the other side of the outdoor table, leaving you in only a sports bra and a pair of pajama shorts
you finished inflating the balloons for the balloon arch ellie had requested you when your phone rang with a couple new texts
jack-son
⤷ open up the door - 11:17 am
⤷ it’s hot out here - 11:17 am
you rolled your eyes and walked out the garden’s side door, seeing jackson standing outside the front door with a puffer jacket and his bags holding harriet in his arms. “oh my god!” you squealed, jogging to take her from his arms, “i didn’t know you’d bring her! oh god, baby, look at you, you are so big now” you kissed her cheeks, making her burst with giggles
“hello, to you too” jackson pressed a kiss to the top of your head, “where’s my baby?”
you didn’t look at him as you answered, “jack has her. he asked to take her out for ice cream and the park so i could have the morning to finish the party decorations.” you could feel his eyes on you, a knowing look on them, “don’t look at me like that, okay? he’s just being a good friend and ellie likes him”
he laughed, saying under his breath “i know she’s not the only sloan who does”
“i heard you!” you exclaimed, walking back into your backyard
having jackson there meant a couple things. first, he was the one who finished the decorations for the birthday party, therefore you didn’t do anything else but play with harriet. second, he was cooking lunch for the three of you so you didn’t need to worry about what to eat. third, he was cleaning everything by himself, so you just laid on the couch watching tv with harriet while you tried to get her to sleep
the clock above your kitchen entrance read 2:40 pm, and you were starting to get antsy because jack hadn’t returned with your daughter yet
just before you were going to ask jackson to bring you your phone, the front door opened, “mommy!” ellie came in excitedly giggling, her eyes widening when she saw jackson’s back in the kitchen, “uncle jackson!”
“hello, baby sloan” she ran into his arms and he took the chance to pick her up, “i’ve missed you so so much” she giggled as he pressed little kisses on her cheeks
you were still sitting on the couch, harriet now fully awake in your arms. “how’d she do?”
“she was great, as always” he walked towards you, sitting down, “sorry it ran longer than expected, she wanted to try every single ride on the park, and then we picked up some lunch”
you smiled at him and harriet cooed, “yes, harriet. jack took ellie on a birthday trip around the park” you said with a low, baby tone. “thank you” you looked up, giving jack a small smile
he was about to say something when jackson came out of the kitchen with ellie on his arms, “hey, man” jack stood up, shaking jackson’s hand, “jackson avery”
“jack abbot” you stood up and walked over to leave harriet on the floor so she and ellie could play
“nice to finally put a face to the name” jackson said with a teasing tone and jack turned to you, face flustered
you rolled your eyes, shaking your head, “don’t be an ass”
“what? it’s the truth, or did you suddenly forget how you said he was a jackass like a hundred times when you first moved here?”
jack raised his eyebrows, and you shrugged, “what? you were”
he scratched the back of his neck, face redder than before, “yeah, i was”
“it’s okay, jack” you winked at him, patting softly his shoulder, “it’s all forgiven”
jackson bit back the smile that threatened to form on his face. you liked jack and jack liked you, it was so obvious. he just hoped the two of you would finally realize it
a few hours later, the sun had gone down, it was late and everyone had already gotten home. jack had offered to do the dishes after you all finished the last of the burgers, and after some thorough convincing, you had let him only if you dried them. it had been a fun time, considering both of you had remnants of soap bubbles on your faces while you drank a couple beers sitting on the living room couch
“so, what’s the story behind the nickname?” jack asked taking a sip of his beer
“bee?” you asked and he nodded. “mark used to call me bumblebee” you smiled at the memory, “i don’t really remember how or even why it started, he just” you took a small pause, “did.” you sipped your beer, “after mark successfully roped jackson into his service and we got close after he confessed that he was kinda scared of me,” you chuckled again, “he started calling me every single bug related nickname under the sun” you shook your head with a smile, “to mess with me, mainly. but after mark’s death and ellie’s birth, i knew he kept doing it to kinda keep alive something that meant a lot to me”
jack threw an arm over your shoulder and you leaned your head on his, “that’s very nice of him”
you smiled again, “don’t let him fool you, he’s a little shit” you scrunched your nose when you remembered, “one time, we were in the er. this big trauma comes in, and when i say big i mean it.” you licked your lips before continuing, “the ceiling of a restaurant came down and one of the customers ended up under some of the debris. turns out she had to have her spleen removed, and her nose was crushed” you shuddered a bit, “it was a hard watch.” jack nodded, “mark had the night off, so when they called for plastics to fix her nose, jackson was the one who walked in–”
“–let me guess, he didn’t let you do your job” jack interrupted you to add before sipping his beer
you let out a small chuckle, “yeah,” you nodded, “long story short, we spent like ten minutes fighting over who did their job first and then one of the attendings simply suggested doing it simultaneously.” you smiled, “we agreed, obviously. but we spent the whole time in the or bickering, they were so done with us”
jack turned to look at you, seeing the spark in your eyes as you recounted some other memories of your time back in seattle made a big grin build up on his face, “what?” you asked him with a smile on his face
he brushed a strand of hair out of your face, shaking his head. “nothing, you just–” his hand softly caressed your cheek, and you leaned into his touch, “i’m really glad i met you”
yousharknotpass
theartofmadeline
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2087
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