Aleah ♡ Free Palestine

Like— I got sick when I was 16. I pushed myself to go to school, do theater, work a job I loved, spend time with my friends and family, etc etc etc because no one fucking told me that I wasn't guaranteed to bounce back from crashes and rolling PEM. I asked if what I was doing was dangerous and was told no.

So I became moderate at 18. I used so much energy and suffered so much to do school and a dual enrollment program and then I couldn't graduate. I learned what having friends was like, then watched them all move on when I couldn't. I learned what it felt like to have a job and be useful and that I wanted to work in a library for the rest of my life, and now I'll never get to work again. I had a year of the freedom of driving anywhere I wanted with music blasting, and now its not safe for me to drive. I planned and allowed myself to hope for a future I'll never have. I started wanting to live again, and quickly stopped being able to.

Idk. I wish so often that I got to experience an adult life before life became my bedroom. My friends are quickly growing into people so different from the high school kids i knew bc thats what you're supposed to do, and I just don't have the life experience to grow up in the same way. I won't make more irl friends or learn what it's like to be in a romantic relationship because I'm trapped inside. I'll never know what it's like to live completely independently or go to college or have any of the pivitol young adult experiences, but I was old enough when I got sick to know about and want those things so badly, and I'm at the perfect age to watch everyone I've ever known get the things I'll never have. In a sick, maladjusted way, I almost wish I got sick younger. Like maybe if I lost everything when I was 15 and friendless and didn't care much about living anyway I wouldn't have had so much fucking hope to lose and it wouldn't hurt so bad.