forget I said anything

turned out the lights going to bed, said "the dark is so cool," which my girlfriend understood and appreciated

it's like a common transphobic brainworm to think cis people that don't clock you are just stupid but like w/ time I have developed what is sort of the opposite impression when it comes to trans people that are really bad at clocking other trans people. Like it's kind of enlightened and sage like. a purer vision of the world + sex. unencumbered.

sister is also trans + not transitioning in part because she still lives w/ the rest of the family. you would think me doing my thing would help her out or w/e but I think she just saw how the rest of the family treated me and got freaked out that they might treat her the same way. woops!

I can imagine a version of myself that like tweaked a little for social context and neuroses became passively into bugchasing like I could keep all the present preoccupations and that would just precipitate if the right conditions were met

w/o my phone at work it's just been boredom thinking about sex and death all day like mosstttly the former thank god. I'm like an extra in a john waters movie

D took her kitchen island when she moved out and now I am getting like phantom pains but for counter space

it's funny that I quit drinking so quickly in part because I am so baseline disorganized that it was obvious 'functional alcoholic' was not an option really really early on.

I hate that I've been reading a lot more since my phone broke lol

I feel like 'crashing out' used to mean you did something life ruining, not that you cried in bed

the trouble w/ being kind of cis passing is that you spend all this energy working through things and like getting used to being very publicly queer, then you're less publicly queer and this is treated is treated as a win meanwhile it's becoming easier and easier to slip back into being afraid of people knowing you have weird sex

it is kind of awkward working through being in a very legibly gay relationship w/ a woman if only because I already spent so much time very openly awkwardly loudly transing my gender like you would really think I would be used to it.

not that I am like too too closeted or anything but I forget that having 'they' in my instagram bio makes me effectively totally publicly out to anyone under 35. was talking to an acquaintance abt job stuff and he said it'd be tough being nonbinary as an electrician and there was a beat or two where I was just like ??? when did I tell you that. I forgot that I did tell you that. also it's obvious.

I feel like I have a running list in my head of 'cool autists' and the process of deciding if any given person makes the list involves a lot of uncomfortable inferences that would like be probably rightfully regarded as bigoted if put to words