If You Hate Me, I’ll Love You More

Se davvero ci tieni anche se le vostre strade si sono separate, gli auguri che abbia imboccato il bivio della felicità.

Se non è andata come speravi, ma ci tieni davvero, gli auguri lo stesso l’amore che merita e che gli riempia il cuore di sorrisi.

Se davvero ci tieni ad una persona la lasci libera di andare, se è quello che davvero vuole. E sorriderai anche tu alla sua libertà,

per quanto, siamo sinceri: fa male e cazzo quanto fa male. Ma questo non deve essere affar loro.

Se davvero vuoi bene ad una persona, ti verrà d’istinto augurarle il meglio e mai il peggio. Volere cose negative è una velata forma di egoismo misto rancore.

Umana, sí. Valida, sempre.

Niente più pensieri, rimorsi, freni. Niente più dolore…

Agisco d’istinto, buono o cattivo che sia. Al diavolo le conseguenze o chi mi circonda.

- Non è vero, ho bisogno di te così.

- Con una al bordo di una crisi di nervi? Non mi reggo più nemmeno io, figuriamoci chi mi sta intorno.

Oh I care so much that

maybe the best thing

to make us happy

- Hm… potrei essere stata giusto un po’ distratta.

- Perdi colpi

- Colpa tua questa volta.

- E io che c’entro?

- Mi hai distratta.

- Ma non facevo niente, cantavo… dai seriamente che ho fatto?

- Perché pensavo a te, e distrattamente ascoltavo la canzone. Scemo.

- Pensavi a me. Ma ero accanto a te

- E ti pensavo.

- Perché?

Siamo fatti della stessa sostanza

Non tanto casualmente.

Dimmi, ci pensi mai?

Then I make sure that

Sento che mi manchi. La sento pervadere ogni centimetro del mio corpo.

So che mi manchi, ma

La mia testa va in muto. In errore. Si spegne non sa cosa fare.

Come se mi trovassi a fissare un muro vuoto.

Sì. Mi manchi perché senso il cuore che lo sussurra facendolo risuonare a gran voce nei miei pensieri.

Reality and Superstition

He knew, sometimes better than I do, what I was going through. He had the right eyes. Those green eyes, able to feel and see the feral war I have engaged against my self. He stared at my self-destruction behaviour. I know It was not his job to save me from it.

But.

The days I got to know him. The moment he wanted me to let him in, to see the Demon I was feeding in my mind (or was it feeding on my mind). The very second he hugged the Demon (me) whit his reassuring smile and comprehensive words. When he made me feel seen for who I really was and how I wanted to be seen. When he saw in me someone I had not and couldn’t see in a very long time.

Then.

The voices in my head went a little quieter. The weight on my heart lifted a bit. And the heart itself started feeling something. Something she hadn’t been feeling in years.

Hope.

Hope to see the end of the tunnel. Hope to see the light. Hope that I was able to make it out alive. Hope that the damage in me was not that serious. He made me feel like I wasn’t alone with the Demon. He said I was the one and only warrior that could defeat it, but he, he would be my sword. I will always agree with that. It was on me. And maybe I was ready to fight and win this time.

On a random Monday, he chose to leave. Maybe he left me for someone else, everybody does. (Story of my life). Actually I don’t really care to know the truth about it, but safe to say:

“I gave peace a chance. It was you. You gave me a taste of that peace of mind I had been craving for so long and I thought it would be the hint I needed to find again the strength in me to get out of the darkness I was lost in.

While I was lost in my own darkness, you came in like a firefly.

But on a random Monday, you stopped glowing. Once again peace left my mind and I went back thinking I’m hopeless.

I don’t blame you. My weaknesses, my fault. But your presence was a valid reason to fix my thoughts willingly, to think I was not completely alone and lost. That I could find my self again, that I was able to make myself back up on my feet. Loosing you will not be the end of me, but we both know I can’t let go so easy and that’s why things will be just a little harder.