in the sixth months after graduating from college, with my very expensive degree from a good college, i ate nothing but bread. i worked at a bakery / cafe / restaurant and got half off one meal per shift but it was still too expensive even then. but at the end of every night we would throw out all the bread loaves that hadnāt sold, which was most of them, every night. we would fill up ten boxes to give away to a shelter and then we could take anything we could carry, and i couldnāt afford a half off deconstructed sandwich, but i could fill the cabinets of my apartment with bread. everyone who worked there was just like me, subsisting on discarded, overpriced bread.Ā
(when the managersā backs were turned i was taught to leave the trashbags of bread behind the dumpster rather than inside it, because it was locked after everyone left to prevent people from stealing from it. we would say we were going out to stack chairs and instead stack prepackaged salads prepared that morning in the narrow space between wall and dumpster, but thatās not what this is about.)
we were working valentineās day, a little bit miserable about it, because customers are somehow worse on a holiday about love, and even if we were single we didnāt want to be here, and most of us had people weād rather be spending the day with, and the snappish, hardass manager was working that day, and everyone could not wait for the day to be over.Ā
we had a boxes of those bakery tissue sheets around and i was twisting it in my hands and i thought about how the first night my uncle spent with my aunt he had to get up early for work but didnāt want to wake her and the whole thing hadnāt been planned, exactly, so he (a roofer by trade and a golden glove boxer by sport) went into the kitchen and took some paper towels and twisted them between his big, scarred hands until it formed a sweeter shape and when my aunt work up it was to a paper towel rose on her pillow.Ā
so i used a couple sheets of bakery tissue to make a rose and walked up to my coworker who stared at me with a rictus smile and i gave it to her, trying not overthink if it was a weird thing to do. her smile slipped and she asked āyou made this?ā holding it carefully, like it wasnāt something her two year old son could have made with his pudgy hands, and i shrugged and got more milk from the back.Ā
then another coworker held the steamer too long when frothing milk, not on accident but because he was irritated, so i rolled another rose and tucked it in his apron pocket as i walked by. then it was just one more of us up front and it was nothing, thirty seconds of twisting paper to take the stack of cookies out of her hands and hand her a tissue paper rose, her lined face lifting into a grin as she proudly tucked it into the chest pocket of her shirt and i may as well have been standing in front of the ovens for how hot my face felt.Ā
it was such a silly thing to do, i felt ridiculous, giving away hastily constructed tissue paper roses on valentineās day, clumsy artful garbage. then one of the servers walked by and noticed and so i made her one too, and then other servers came by, leaning over the glass, and complimenting the flowers with big eyes, and i laughed and made more, still not sure if it was sincere, but even if it wasnāt, i figured making them one and handing it over was better than saying no.Ā
then i went to the back again and the dishwasher yelled outĀ āwhereās mine? what about us?ā and he was too sweet to ever be anything less than sincere, so someone kept an eye on the door to the managerās office as i stood in the sweltering kitchen and rolled clumsy tissue paper roses, enough for everyoneĀ
and by the time the day ended, everyone had one, everyone wore one, tucked in their shirt or their apron or stuck in their hair or taped to the top of their pen. everyone was a little less miserable, smiling like we were all on in on the joke, although i donāt think any of us knew the punchlineĀ
this story doesnāt have a punchline either. i just sometimes think of how much better some crumpled tissue paper made things and think that it can be that easy, sometimes, if weāre sincere and donāt overthink it too much
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