cy

Letter to my younger self

dear body i know it’s been a while since i showed you the love you deserve and for that i am sorry when i look at you i am quick to see the flaws the rolls and the stretch marks and the scars i don’t always see all of the amazing things you do you are beautiful and strong you have seen me through the best and worst days of my life you never give up on me even when i push you too hard you let me dance and sing you let me laugh and cry you are a home when our surroundings are foreign you are so so beautiful squishy and soft and smooth i’m sorry for all the times i’ve torn you down for the ways i’ve spoken about you both to you and to others in 2018 i promise to care for you better to love you harder to give you more of what you need and less of what i want love you and i will continue to try to show you that as we grow together

This year has taught me that despite how naturally it may come to you to give your all to each person you come across, the harsh reality is that not everyone is going to replicate that and sometimes you need to practice self care and reign it in; to only give effort to those who do the same for you or else they will continue to take advantage. This year has taught me not to give your heart away so easily because not everyone means every word they say like you do and besides, you are the one who deserves your affection first and foremost. The best decision you could ever make is to learn to love yourself because not only will you feel the full strength of someone else’s love if it should happen but be so content in your own damn skin that if you should have to spend the rest of your life with yourself alone, it will not phase you. This year has taught me that romantic love should never be the center of your universe even when you are madly in love because it can fall apart as quick as it came together and although tragic, you’re going to need other support systems- whether it be your friends or your art or running until your lungs are on the verge of collapse- to build you back up from the ground that you will spend many nights on rocking your teary eyed self to sleep. This year has taught me that you cannot be broken. The bad days will come around more often than you would like and are sometimes so paralyzing you forget what it is you are living for but yet, here you are today- alive, breathing, hoping; optimistic about the new year because while yes, it might take time and effort and sometimes tears, you will always bounce back after hitting the ground but it is up to you to make that commitment and vow to keep trying.  This year has taught me that constant conversation is not necessarily communication. There are people who will understand you with a single nod or even in your silence and then there are those who will never pick up on how close you are to crying despite how many times they have looked into your eyes or how many times your wobbly voice has been on the verge of collapse while trying to choke out sentences. This year has taught me that the early hours of the morning can be your best friend or your worst enemy. While late night TV wrapped up in blankets talking to your favourite person can be heavenly, the nights you will lie in your bed as your brain throws rocks of ‘what is my purpose’ and 'why am I even trying’ at your face tend to happen just as often. Either way, a cup of hot chocolate can go a long way; add extra marshmallows when in desperate need of a hug.  This year has taught me that your worth should never be defined by your body or your brain because both have the potential to be changed by powers outside of your control. The next time you find yourself pinching at your hips, frowning at the number on a scale or beating yourself up for having a bad day, remind yourself that you are human and it is impossible to not only be perfect but to be at 100% every single day. We all need a break from the constant climb that is life and it is okay to walk if that’s what your body needs. Most importantly, remember that your body is just a shell and who you are will always reside outside of that. This year has taught me that friendships can be just as tricky, intimate and heartbreaking as relationships. There are good times and bad times but you need not worry about the severity of what threatens to break your bond because if it’s destined to last, the times you go long periods without talking to one another will not break it and nor will much else. Although the distance can hurt, have faith in the fact that when two people want to make something work, no distance can ever divide your friendship. Most importantly of all, this year has taught me that life is all about change and the more you try to fight or control that, the more you will disturb your inner peace. Let people go as easily as you let them come because those who are meant to be by your side will always be drawn back no matter how far they wander or for how long. In a world where the only constant we can rely on is the rising and setting of the sun, make sure to wake up each morning with a huge smile on your face regardless of whether you are about to face the best or worst day of your life because someone once told me that “life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it,” and I have never looked back since.

some days, i abandon myself to the thought that i do not deserve to be loved.  those days, with my teeth clenched and forehead frowned, I scratch from the insides of my strength pieces of self love and care. those days, I know I have to live up to the encouraging words I dedicate others. those days, I try my fucking hardest to follow my own advice: to love one self.

you are the ‘c’ of a quadratic function. ax²+bx+c. yes, that last factor is you. now, suppose ‘c’ has any numerical value, positive or negative, other than zero (other than zero because you are alive right now) and 'ax²’ and 'bx' are the other people; your parents, your brothers and sisters, your friends, your lover. these people disappear when 'x’ is at zero, right? the function would also equal zero but, as i said earlier, you are the 'c’ of this quadratic function. in your case, the numerical value of 'c’ is never zero. you always have a value. and sometimes, when 'x’ is at zero, ‘c’ will still have a value and you will be the only person who is going to be there, for your own self. so, take care of yourself. the art of self care is very difficult to master at times and still, you are the 'c’ of this quadratic function. you will always have a value.

A quick note to distinguishing common geriatric conditions:

We are all just people chasing people. We’ve become revolving doors in an attempt to find a person that makes love feel real. One person spins in and we let them in and guide them to the elevator. It’s as though each wall we have built around our hearts is synonymous with the floors of our hotel. What level will they get to? The goal is the top. The penthouse. It’s where the deepest parts of us reside. Protected by the security guards and the 112 floors laying below. Another person walks in, they get inside, they make it to floor 12. The higher the floor the more homie it gets. It’s less of the standard ice machines and blankets you don’t dare sleep underneath And more filled with stocked up fridges and comforters that you’re sure are dry cleaned after each Stay. Higher up, it’s less of a room and more of a suite. Higher up, and you get a view of a city that bustles, but here you feel at home. Another one comes, the door doesn’t really stop spinning, as one comes in, one leaves. You wonder if you should shut the hotel down, it simply costs too much if they don’t stay on the upper most floors. *ding ding* Another one must have checked in, you wonder if your tower is too tall, you speed her up to the 56th floor. She likes the stay she claims. You’re hesitant. But you bring her to a more “permanent,” floor. You call to check in on her stay, silence. You try daily, surely she’s out exploring all the hotel has to offer. Silence. Silence. Silence. Empty phone calls and unanswered memos. Silence floods you like the dark floods the unoccupied home. Suddenly there’s an answer and you know that her stay has come to an end. You ask for a follow-up. A review. You want to know what went wrong. Did home feel like a prison? Or was it just not luxurious enough? Did you find a better stay? Deep down I know that they’re seeking a hostel and I am a home. Permanency is not a word that is understood by this generation. *ring ring ring * Someone’s calling. They ask if there’s room. The cost is not a problem. You stare at the city below. How do you answer? Are you open or closed? Are you content being a hostel or are you determined to be a home? “Hello, miss, I’ve heard such good things about this place, it looks beautiful, I’d pay anything to stay here.” You blink back into reality. And the cost? Is it more expensive to them to put so much into something they end up leaving behind or more expensive to you to give all you can to make the stay as pleasurable as possible and you have nothing to show for it? “Ma'am?” There’s room, we have a place on the 100th floor, I’m sure you’ll love. “Great, I’ll take it!” You grease the door, you try to follow up with that review.. we are all people chasing people, round and round we go.. When it stops nobody knows.

"I just feel like women: they have minds and they have souls as well as just hearts, and they have got ambition and they have got talent as well as just beauty. And I'm so sick of people saying that love is all what women fit for. I'm so sick of it. But I'm... I'm so lonely."

“A dream is not the same as your talents. Your dream is something you want to achieve, even if you are not good at it. You think about your dream when you are eating, and even when you are sleeping. My dream is what makes me feel good.”