ADULTING IS HARD.

I did find this: http://www.daniellelaporte.com/11-things-to-do-and-not-do-when-youre-burned-out/

Basically says, sleep, eat, be generous, etc... and it also says... 

I should stop making lists. And stop that project you’re working on. 

Now I just have to fill up my time... 

I’ll go play minecraft.

That felt good.

There's this guy at work. He is older than me, though not by much. He's smart, knowledgeable. His expertise is valuable. He's dependable. He's respected.

He's also a sexist asshole.

I worked with him for almost a year. And I hated every fucking minute of it.

When we first started working together, we seemed like a great team. Our skills are similar, and where it wasn't, we balanced each other out. He was also, in that way of startups are where lines are blurry, he was sorta my boss.

It started innocently enough. In conversations about how to approach the project we were working on. Talking about what we were going to do. Talking about how to do it.

It seemed we always got into these endless discussions that had an undercurrent of passive aggressiveness. To others, it seemed like a passionate conversation about our jobs. We both had strong opinions and thoughts and found ourselves sharing them with each other.

It turned into weekly hour long arguments. Then daily. At first it was the big aspects of the project, which to be honest require that kind of discussion. But months in, the arguments were about the little things. The inconsequential things. Everything. Was. An. Argument.

I kept thinking it was just our personalities. Then I thought it was because the cultural differences in our methods of communicating. Then I thought it was because of the topic. But... turns out he only did this to me. In meetings with others, he was respectful, he held back, he fucking compromised.

And I talked to colleagues and friends. And some said oh it isn't that bad, others said I should go to my superiors and discuss the issue. What would I say though? There was nothing specific I could complain about. Just that we argued a lot. And being a female in a tech industry, how exactly do you think that was going to come across as? I didn't want to be the whiny dev.

So I tried to adapt. I tried to change my communication methods. I compromised more. And more and more. I picked my wars. Then my battles. Then only skirmishes. And then I gave up.

And I dealt with it. I just took it. I wanted to finish the project I was on. I had pride. I could make it work.

I didn’t realize how hard that affected me. How hard it was to put up with someone constantly battering your confidence. Questioning your knowledge. How hard it was to be the victim of sexism. The victim of a person that only went that far with you.

Because that fucking asshole. I was the only woman he had to work with. He didn't behave so obnoxiously with anyone else.

He constantly questioned every single one of my decisions. Questioned my reasoning. He didn't trust me, my knowledge, my process.

I spent all those endless fucking hours trying to so hard to get along and work together to achieve a goal. Hours of pretending to have civilized conversations when all I wanted was to rage quit.

I had to compromise. I had to give in. I had to figure out how to get my point across. He did none of those things.

God. He disagreed on things so unimportant and inconsequential simply because he could. And when he agreed with me, it was almost resigned. Because there was no other solution. Because he couldn't think of a better one. Or the times when he agreed and it sounded like he was doing me a charity. Like *he* was picking his battles.

All those arguments in front of our colleagues, our bosses. We looked like fucking children scraping over the last cookie.

It made me so ashamed and embarrassed. He had this air to him, like he was always right. Like he was the one that knew the right way.

Often I was just the other voice that he drowned out because he talked so fucking loud and would rant on for so long I'd forget my fucking point.

God it was so exhausting. So frustrating.

I felt so small. I felt deflated. I felt powerless. 

All my years of experience meant nothing. The knowledge I had was insufficient. The methods I’d developed to achieve success were a failure. My ideas, my solutions, all were useless. 

Months and months of the same. Constantly. Constantly. Just. Making me so angry. Making me feel like I was insignificant. 

I found out recently he was made officially the boss of the entire department. Hah. Any thoughts I had of going back.... no fucking way. I'm not putting myself through that again.

Silence for the last little bit I know.

I was feeling so good last week that this didn't even seem necessary. But like everything, I suppose it needs to balance out.

I think I've come to the realization that if I were to quit my job today and turn into a stay-at-home mom, I'd probably be happy. But I don't want to, or have ever wanted to be a stay at home mom. I want to go back to work. I want to feel useful and creative and feel that sweet sense of achievement after doing something.

And so my struggle to figure out wtf is wrong with me continues. Or if I'm being gentle with myself: figure out why I'm so tired. Potato/Potahto.

The struggle lately is that I am feeling so incredibly indecisive. I am now capable of doing tasks, and caring for myself, so I suppose I've graduated to "functioning human". Every time I get a burst of energy I go and try to dive back into job-related information, learning new things, etc. But then I get tired all over again. Like today. Where all I want to do is chase the sun coming in through the windows like a cat and curl up with a book.

And I get it. I'm on leave. Enjoy the damn leave. But I'm not. I'm sitting here figuring out how long this is going to take and what else can I possibly do with my time, and oh my god I'm so bored and feel so scared.

Because what I'm feeling is so foreign. Usually fear for me is a very clear emotion. Coming out was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life (and it took two years of therapy to even get there) and still, I was very clear on what the fear was: loosing my family. The worst case scenario is, I ended up without family support --a deathly feeling for me, since family means the world.

But this fear is not like all my other fears. It's new.

It's fear tinted and shaped by indecisiveness, hesitation, lack of energy, insecurities, lack of confidence and so much shame. It's a new kind of fear because it's so fuzzy and boundary-less. It seeps in to all aspects of my life, and I hate it.

I've never, ever, felt this kind of fear.

It isn’t that you don't know what to do, or which choice to take, no. I can see all the paths and all the choices and all their consequences, but it all seems so far away. It feels like I'm seeing it all through layers of water. Very few things and emotions can get through it. Where I am, on the other side of the blurry glass, everything related to my job is blurry and far and unachievable. Rationally I know I'll get through it. Emotionally? It feels like I'm years away from figuring out.

So in talking to my therapist, we tried to figure out what exactly was causing all that fear. And boy... its been a while since I've felt so blank and empty. I couldn't get through the exhaustion, I felt myself repeat over and over that I was tired. Tired of people pretending, of feeling small and inconsequential and feeling inadequate. Turns out the exhaustion is still there.

And so my therapist suggested I continue writing. And in proper therapy fashion we have to backtrack way back to when I started feeling like this and suggested I try writing Impact Statements.

This is when you write how an event, a person, a situation, whatever, impacted you. So I did. And you know what came out? Anger. Grief.

There’s a lot to sort through. Quite a bit about my life, about me and my wife --which I’m not ready to share yet. 

talking to a financial person at your bank about your future

Progress.

Its making me a bit shaky and giddy, though that might be the coffee I'm drinking. Here's the thing though. I had a lightbulb moment this weekend. It came amidst confusion and fear that I am doing the absolute wrong thing for my life, my career and my family, but I suppose that's to be expected.

Let’s see if I can put it into words. 

The original reason I took a break from work was because I was tired.  I was not effective at work. I was producing a quarter of my usual output. Projects stretched, code just wasn’t coming forth. I dreaded starting on new tasks. Simple bugs took me hours to fix. I got distracted easily. The amount of eye rolling I did was beyond my usual. I was jaded, bitter and mostly annoyed, all the time.

Why did I stay?

They pay incredibly well. They like me quite a bit. The people there are mostly great. The work can be challenging. The projects are sometimes really damn interesting (and sometimes you want to poke yourself in the eye). There was always room for growth, for a career change. Most initiatives I took were accepted and embraced openly. I liked the people there. It was close to home. And really, its for a good cause. You could feel good about what you did. 

My output does not come in a linear form. I have ups of crazy bursts of energy, I have plateaus, I have lows where days are harder than others. I always bounce back. 

But at The Job, very slowly and steadily my confidence eroded. I was not able to stay up-to-date, nah, I stopped giving a shit about the Shiny New Tech™ that we're supposed to be using. I lost the excitement of loosing yourself in learning something new, creating something with it, and sharing that with others. My skills got pushed into a corner and got old. The new junior kid started producing 150% more than I did. Their attention span was 100%, mine 5. Everyone always seemed to know more than I did. 

By the time I thought about changing jobs, a cursory look at what was available made me cringe and hide. How do you look at a job description and think to yourself you can compete? How do you willingly leave a job that you know won't fire you, that supports your lifestyle and allows you to do anything you want??

Cue leave of absence.

My first thought after leaving was to try to get back all that motivation, learn something new, accomplish something with this free time. Get My Shit Together. And it did, for about a day or two. But then it sapped away. The tiredness was the only thing I could feel. The crushing sense of failure, the panic attacks, the exhaustion. Escaping the only possible option, loosing myself in stories, in the fake-pretend.

And then when I tried regaining some of that motivation, tried wanting to get better... and I couldn’t, because I was so fucking tired, I got angry. I kept thinking, how can you not want to dive into this? How is it that you're not excited about The Shiny New Tech™ ? Why can't you accomplish the simplest of tasks? How can you like laying down all day, every day, watching the minutes tick by? How can you justify being unemployed for two months, causing you, your career, and your family hardship that is absolutely unnecessary?

Vicious circle. Try telling yourself its okay to bum around for weeks on end in the middle of all that shit.

But then. Then. 

This weekend. In the middle of a conversation with The Wife, plagued by all the self doubt in the world, I realized that maybe, just possibly, the issue wasn't all my fault.

And holy shit that's when I realized that I was so mothereffing angry. At The Job. That fucking job.

I have never been able to put into words, what exactly is wrong with it. There's really nothing bad about it. It's a dream opportunity.

But now I want to laugh at myself for trying to say that with a straight face. It is not fucking dream-like. There is one very large issue with it: they have no passion whatsoever. And passion is a privilege, not a requirement when you work; and demanding they have some is like complaining about the water being warm in the desert. 

But the thing is... nobody at The Job gives a shit. They collect their very large paycheques, clock their 9-to-5s and go home. Rinse & repeat. Project Managers are afraid of being fired. Top management throws people under the bus constantly. Innovation isn't a collaborative venture, its someone's decision that trickles down leaving people with up-to-the-minute tasks that suck the life out of everything. Decisions are constantly challenged. Secrecy is the norm. Communication is as common as lakes on Mars. I have only ever cheered once after finishing a project--in three years! most times you are relived its over.

It fucking sucks.

If they were to exercise that 'stay only if you're passionate' thing they do over at A Big Tech Company where they offer a really good severance package and a glowing letter of recommendation, to see who's stays and who leaves... I guarantee you more than half the staff would be gone.

That job sapped whatever little excitement I had about the industry I've worked in for 10 years.

There's some I should have been doing for myself. Learning new things, adapting to the changes, all that good stuff. Truth is that I've only ever wanted to give my best during my work hours. I'm the kind that will work 90 hours a week if the project needs it, because we want to finish, because we want to see it live. Because we are proud. I'm not one to go home and spend my free time messing around building yet another To Do App with The Shiny New Tech™. I have been in the industry 10 years and have managed just fine, so while this is a valid reason for me feeling like my confidence is sapped, I think mostly The Job just killed my motivation to even try it _during work hours!_

Because the truth is that I don't care about anything anymore. I'm too tired to learn something new. I'm too tired to build something with what I know. Because I don't want to build anything. There is nothing at The Job that makes me proud. There’s nothing there they want hard enough, passionately enough. Chug along folks, that’s the motto. 

And maybe that's the issue isn’t it? I feel like I sold my soul to the devil. Good money & stability for my pride and self worth.

The Job and all the upper echelons stopped selling me their idea years ago. And I am a really good follower. Inspire me to a goal and I'll make sure we get there. 

And they are not and I'm wasting my fucking time.

One whole week since the last day I was at work. 

I have 7 weeks left. I feel like I’m running out of time. What a ridiculous notion.  Still, I do. 

I have all sorts of disjointed thoughts today.  So here goes some bullet points.

I really should eat at regular times.  I’m having lunch late.  Spend half the day starving. 

Laundry is still sitting on the corner. We’re not at emergency undies stage yet... so I may delay this a bit longer. Did the dishes though. I felt guilty to have my wife come home to that mess. 

I’ve been writing again. My stupid fanfic story. One of the things on the list I wanted to do. Seems like endlessly sitting around watching that show only encourages your imagination. 

Talking of which. Honest confession time. I totes am addicted to this show.  And I mean, I spend hours online. Reading fanfic, looking through fanart, etc.  It’s an obvious way for me not to pay attention to myself.  And it keeps me entertained. (5 minute episodes twice a week, its basically torture) I know I should stop.  I’m sure I’ll get bored of it.  Already feeling it a bit.  Specially the more invested I get in doing my own thing. 

This helps.  Writing helps.

Going out helps. Going out to the park in the middle of the day is actually amazing.  Sat under a tree and wrote.  No wifi yay.  Lots of mellow people doing the same.  Lots of kids having the time of their lives in the playground. 

I like it. Will do it again. 

Started thinking of biking around the city. Seeing how far I can go.  Biking along lakeshore maybe. 

Anyways. Today is meh. Take it.  Leave it.  If only I could shut up that voice that says I’m running out of goddamn time.

Pizza is ready.