SINK OR SWIM

“Maybe home is nothing but two arms holding you tight when you’re at your worst.”

Having a lapse doesn’t make you a failure at recovery. It’s okay that you’re struggling, and more than that, it’s normal. I don’t say that to justify lapsing or use as a cop out when things get difficult. I say it as a reminder that your recovery doesn’t have to be perfect in order to produce results. That said, no one’s recovery is perfect. Everyone has set backs and reverts to old behaviors — not because we’re weak or incapable, but because recovery is one the most difficult things someone battling a mental illness can face. Your behaviors helped you cope with trauma and incredible emotional pain. They allowed you to numb out and they kept you afloat when you felt like you were drowning. Letting go of something that helped you survive for so long isn’t easy, and it doesn’t happen over the course of a few days or months. It’s terrifying and painful and unbelievably challenging, and it takes time. So be compassionate with yourself and your process. You’re doing the best you can to fight your demons and heal, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. You’re not a failure. You’re human and you’re struggling and that’s okay. And regardless of where you’re at in your recovery, you’re enough.

you ask what I have done with my life. why I am 22 with so many unfinished selves. so many futures I could not commit to. but you don’t know how much of my time has been spent keeping myself alive.